Down the Barrel

I woke up with a start. The blankets that had been on my bed when I fell asleep were now on the floor, and I was drenched in sweat. My hands were shaking as I brushed my hair back, and I was a little shaky as I stood up and walked to the bathroom to take a shower. I was hoping that the water would help to clean my body, along with my mind.

This same nightmare kept sneaking up on me. It had been months since the shooting, since I had seen my sister killed. But the flashback kept coming back. When I fell asleep, I could hear the gunshot, I could see the blood that splattered the walls, I could hear the screams and the clattering of desks as they were tipped over by terrified students. And I could feel the guilt. I could feel the helplessness that I felt on that day as my sister dropped to the floor dead.

My head was aching because of all the sleeping pills that I had swallowed the night before. I was hoping that they would help me sleep and take the nightmares away. But I guess I was wrong. The nightmares were still there. And I obviously shouldn't have taken so many, as I realized when a wave of nausea hit me.

I ran to the toilet and threw up, my head getting slightly light. I brushed the vomit off my lips with the back of my hand and got into the shower. The water was cold, but I didn't bother turning the temperature up. I felt more awake and alert. Which was not always a good thing, because it meant that my mind was free to wander back to that day.

It was the first time in days that I was completely sober. I had spent the past couple of days in a haze of weed and alcohol. It may have not been the best choice, but it was better than the alternative. I would rather be stoned while listening to my parents' blame game at home and sitting in the same room as all of it happened. All the blood was gone, but I could still imagine it. No matter how hard they might try to cover up that day, it would never be gone.



“We've gotta stop doing this. We're gonna get caught by my parents one of these days.” Even though Cameron was trying to sound serious and stern, there was a smile playing at his lips. We were both sitting on his bed with the door locked. He his back against the wall and his eyes closed. Smoke filled the space between us. He passed me the joint and I sat up to inhale. I quickly passed it back, then laid back down on his bed.

“Your parents won't be home for a couple of hours, though, right?”

He nodded and opened his eyes. They were bloodshot, but there was a playful light in them. The joint was put in the drawer of his bedside table, where he kept his ash tray. He got up off the bed, and I watched him as he turned the light off. The curtain on his window was closed seconds later, and the room was drained of light.

“Cameron, what are you doing? It's only five.”

“This.” Then I felt his body on top of mine and his lips on my own. He wrapped his arms around my waist and turned us over, so that I was beside him. I smiled into the kiss and put my hands on his chest.

We had been dating in secret for about 6 months, and the only person that I had told was Michelle. Now that she was gone, I had nobody to share this secret with besides Cameron. My parents would certainly not understand. And I didn't need to give them another reason to be fighting. They were already on the brink of a divorce. Michelle's death had been a reason to bring them closer together, but it had brought them further apart. I had gotten far too used to the sound of slamming doors and screeching tires.

All of a sudden, I felt like I was lifted up. My head felt empty, and I smiled as I realized that everything was just perfect. Life was perfect. My boyfriend was perfect. My situation was perfect. At least it seemed. All of the bad feelings just drained away.

I pulled away from the kiss and started laughing.

“What's so funny?” Cameron asked me, but he couldn't stop smiling, too. He turned on his bedside lamp and leaned against the wall again. He looked at me in amusement and smirked.

“I don't know.” I was a little out of breath when I finally stopped laughing. But I immediately started again. He joined me, and we stayed like that for several hours. I was still high when we heard his parents enter the house. Cameron immediately put out the cigarette that we had been sharing and got up to unlock the door. I greeted his parents as I walked out, trying my best to act like I wasn't completely stoned.

The sky was getting dark as I walked back home, and I stuck to the sidewalks in the neighborhood. I had to walk by the school on my way home, and my eyes immediately darted up to the classroom on the second floor where all of it had happened.

Then my eyes shifted to the plaque. There was a dark shadow cast over it, and a girl with black hair and a lip piercing that reflected the street lamp down the street was kneeling over the plaque. Her eyes were covered with heavy eyeliner. And, after a few seconds, I was able to recognize her in the dim light. I walked over to the plaque and sat down beside her.

“Hey, Alex.”