Dark Side

It had only been two weeks since my date with Harry, and each day with the help of him and the others – who had of course been told, I had slowly been healing. When I woke up this morning, Harry had come into my room only to tell me our plans for today.

“We're going to throw away your supplies, and you are going to start your recovery. And I will be here each step of the way.” I felt a faint smile cross my lips as Harry stared at me with intention as his hands wrapped around mine, the ones that were strangled in my lap. I didn't know how to feel about this; I knew it should have been a good feeling but I felt like I was throwing away the life that I had grown accustomed to. The life filled with sharp silver glistening with crimson red liquid, an empty stomach with a body yearning to be perfect. I felt uneasy as I nodded in agreement.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Harry lifted my chin with his soft fingers, “Where are they?” There was a sharp pain in my stomach when he asked me that. I didn't want to let go; what would happen when I needed them?

I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. Harry pushed himself closer to me as he got our eyes to lock. “I can't, Harry. . .”

His frown affected me more than I would have liked it to. “Lana, you need to get better, and this is the first step. Just, please Lana, tell me where they are.”

“They are all that I have though. What happens when I need them?” I began to mumble on about my worries, I could feel a panic attack begin to arise in my chest. Harry quickly grabbed my face and kissed my forehead.

“Lana, you have me now. You also have your brother, you don't need to depend on those demons anymore, love. You are free.” My eyes twitched at those words – I was free?

Sighing I lifted my hand to the end of my bed, “Under my mattress in the tin box.” I wasn't going to tell him about the one in my drawer, I just wasn't ready to let go completely. I could depend on others just yet, it wouldn't happen. I watched as Harry yanked up my mattress and grabbed the tin box. Like I knew he would, he opened up the box and stared at the blood-stained razors that sprawled against one another. I didn't know it until I heard him sniff to know that he was crying. My heart broke at the sight of this.

Harry closed the box as I got up and wrapped my arms around him. I could feel his body shaking as his crying got more tense. He began to sink to the floor, and I went along with him. We leaned against my bed together as he cried, holding tightly onto me. He began to mumble things, his voice was raspy from the crying. “Lana, you can't anymore, okay? You just – you can't please Lana. For me, please.” And as his voice cracked at the last few words, that was when I realized how stupid and selfish I was being, no matter how strong my feelings were towards hurting myself, my feelings for Harry were so much stronger.

I nodded my head as my hand wiped away Harry's tears. My lips found his cheek while my arms wrapped tighter around him, “I'm so sorry Harry. I won't, I promise. Don't cry, please.” His crying began to lighten up as his eyes found mine again.

“You don't know how beautiful you really are, Lana.” I dropped my head in defeat, I couldn't fight with that face, those eyes. Not today, I wouldn't cause more pain for him, or for myself. And that made me feel different for once, but in the end it wasn't enough .

~

“We are not going to watch Hairspray, Louis. You made us sit through that movie for far too long on the bus!” Harry complained as he walked into the room with two cups of tea. Currently Niall and Louis were on the ground in front of the telly scoping through Liam and I's movie collection. Zayn sat in the love seat with Liam relaxing right next to him. I sat on the couch right besides them, curled up at the end nearest the end table.

Harry walked over and sat down besides me, handing me some tea. “Thank you,” I mumbled. I was still trying to get used to being around all of the boys every day. I usually stayed in my room reading books and sipping too much tea for my own good. But after Harry and I talked, he brought it up to Liam that I should get out more and not always hide in my room. At first I thought Harry told him about my recent relapsing, but Harry promised he wouldn't tell a single soul. And so now, after numerous long conversations about how guilty I should feel for not spending time with my own brother before he leaves again in a few months, here I sat, spending another day with Liam as well as all of the boys. I was trying my hardest to enjoy their presence, and after almost a month of constantly being around them, I was beginning to open myself up. But not completely.

I sipped my tea as Louis snapped his head around to glare at Harry, “You little twat, how dare you insult my love for Hairspray!” Louis held the movie close to his heart with a hurt look on his face.

Harry rolled his eyes, “You know those songs by heart already -”

“And the script, “ Zayn added.

Harry pointed to Zayn but kept his eyes on Louis, “My point exactly. This case it closed, choose another movie.” Louis groaned, falling onto his side as he clutched the movie in his arms.

“Aw let the boy watch his movie,” I intervened, blushing when all eyes turned to me. Louis sat up and squealed, crawling over to hug my legs.

“You are definitely my favorite!” I laughed, sipping my tea once again. The boys groaned, besides Niall, who had be agreeing with Louis from the start.

“Why are you all complaining?” I growled, “Louis, put the damn movie in.” Louis took my orders and soon pressed play. The lights were turned off before Louis plopped himself on the floor in front of my legs where Niall was also sitting.

As we watched the movie, everyone kept looking down at Louis who was smiling as he quoted Link's cheeky charmed words. I laughed when Louis began to chant along to the song “Without Love.” Niall swayed back and forth in his seat as he began to sing along.

“TRACY I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU WEIGH!” Louis grabbed Niall's face and forced a kiss onto his cheek. I flinched at the words, mentally slapping myself for even letting it get to me, but laughed when Niall let out a contagious giggled.

“WITHOUT LOVE,” Niall horrendously sang-scream as he threw his long arms in the air with much enthusiasm.

“Life is like the seasons without summer,” Louis grabbed Niall again, cackling as they tried to match themselves with what was happening in the movie. This continued out, gradually pulling in the rest of the boys to sing. I sat back and laughed, watching Zayn flip himself upside down on the couch as he grabbed onto Niall's hand. Liam was half on the floor and half on the couch as he cuddled into Louis' neck, singing to him. Niall laughed loudly, his head falling back against the end table.

“Dammit,” He laughed again, this time leaning forward to grab onto my leg. “Weyheeeyyy!” Niall giggled again; if you were to just walk into the room, you would have thought that he was proper fucked, but in reality he hadn't been drinking at all.

As soon as the scene where Link confesses his love for Tracy, Harry absentmindedly grabbed my hand, before realizing it and pulling away. “Fuck it,” He mumbled, looking at the screen before jumping up and screaming, “Trace! I wanna kiss ya!” He grabbed my face and pulled me up, pressing his lips against mine.

“LET ME OUT AT THE NEXT – WHAT!” Louis screeched, opening his eyes and stopping when he found the rest of the boys staring up at Harry and I. I choked back a gasp, pulling away quickly before sitting back down. I felt a blush creep up onto my cheeks as I peeked up at Liam who sighed and got back to the movie. I wasn't exactly sure how he felt, but when I saw him look back at Harry and give him a timid smile, I knew he didn't mind. But I did. I wasn't exactly ready for that to happen. I didn't want to fall for someone. Especially when that someone was Harry Styles.

“Well!” Niall laughed, “How about a scary movie, yeah?” The boys all agreed loudly as if changing the subject would help with the awkwardness that we all felt. As Louis put in Insidious, I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. My hands were pale white as my grip got harder on each other. I could feel the tenseness grow in my chest at the embarrassment. I now didn't want to be here, I wanted to be up in my room locked in my bathroom, tearing myself up. I closed my eyes and bit my lip as the telly got dark and the movie started.

I tensed even more when I felt a warm hand touch mine, effortlessly pulling my hands apart. I quickly opened my eyes and peered down. I didn't yank my hand away, because just the touch sen shivers up my spine and I quickly forgot about the kiss. Swallowing I looked up and watched as Harry's green eyes dove into my blue ones. He squeezed my hand lightly, I nodded slowly. I am okay. I kept my knees up at my chest as Harry slowly leaned into the couch, closer to me. I felt comfortable in seconds, my eyes closing instantly as I felt my head fall onto Harry's shoulder. I could have sworn that I heard Harry giggle. Maybe I was just dreaming it.