Dark Side

The way the boy greeted me was off, yet when he took my hand, I sort of. . . liked it. No, Lana, you can't be doing this, he's your brother's friend, not to mention, he's a famous boy from a famous band. And besides, he doesn't like you anyways. I bit my lip, erasing the thoughts from my head. I don't even know him, and he was just being nice.

I threw my luggage onto my bed and began to put things away. Dinner would be ready soon and I needed to unpack before then. As I began putting my things away, a tin box got caught on a shirt and flew out onto the ground, clattering to the ground. I quickly picked it up and shoved it under my mattress. I'll deal with you later. Out of my mouth came a sigh, I wasn't ready for any of this. Being home was as lovely as ever, but having to hide my actions even deeper than before was going to be hard. I figured with the boys being here, my mom would pay more attention to them and possibly ruining her house, but the way she and my brother both looked at me as I walked through the house and got used to the place again, I knew they were watching me intently. I got it, they cared about me, but I was fine, I was fine, I told myself that everyday, I just needed to prove it to them so they'd lay off of me now.

As I got up and went to put my laptop on my desk, I passed my reflection of the full-length mirror that hung right next to the door. I stared at myself, glaring at every inch of my body. I felt sick, I could already taste the bile in my mouth as my eyes scanned over the lumps on my body. I'd been told my everyone that I was skinny, and maybe I was, but in my eyes, all that I saw was fat, and ugliness. Scars that covered my arms, dark and red, forever going to last. I wasn't ashamed about anything that I did, because whenever I did it, I felt good, and that's all that I ever wanted, was to feel good. I lifted my shirt above my head and stared again, closer, this time. The scars on my hips were easy to see, I liked them, sort of. But I fancied them better on my arms than anywhere else. I frowned again, flicking the fat on my stomach. I felt disgusted, I felt like crying, and I felt a sob try to escape, but I swallowed it back down. Sighing, I stepped away from the mirror, done analyzing how ugly I was, and grabbed a short sleeved shirt from my drawers. After I put it on, I heard noises from downstairs and decided to leave my humble abode and check it out.

“It's mine, you titty twanker!” A voice screeched, and then a thump on the ground. I smiled to myself, thinking that these boys could be a good entertainment for these two months.

I heard a scoff, then, and another thump, “Louis, I swear if you don't give me the remote, you're ass will be shoved into the -” Liam was interrupted by the sound of my mother's voice.

“Now, Liam. . .”

“He started it!” Liam defended, as he stomped. I bit my lip and turned my head so I wasn't caught laughing. Shaking my head, I hopped from the last step onto the ground.

A clank of dishes hit my ears, “It's dinner time, go get your sister.” I entered the kitchen before Liam could get me. He smiled down at me right as the other boys stumbled to the table.

“She's right here,” Grabbing me in another hug he followed me to the table. As we all sat down, me sitting next to Harry and Liam, we passed the food around, and as I went for the bread, two of the boys stopped and stared at my arm. I realized it just then and snatched my arm away. Liam noticed and sighed to himself before taking his jacket off and handing it to me. I tried to ignore the fact that Niall and Zayn had just seen my arm and began to dig into my food. They wouldn't tell anyone, would they? No, they couldn't, it'd ruin their superstar image, knowing a girl who destroys herself because it likes to feel numbness. Especially being in a band with the boy who's sister is that way, a freak. But I don't think I'm a freak, I just want to feel good about myself, it's not so hard to understand.

“So, Lana,” Liam coughed, interrupting the awkward silence. I looked up at him with a timid smile, silently thanking him. He nodded in response. “How was Florida?”

Shrugging was something I'd grown accustomed to recently, not knowing what to say or how to respond is what I'd gotten used to. “It was pretty nice, there, very hot, sunny,” What else could I have talked about? The fact that just a year ago I was sick, that I was diagnosed with diseases that I couldn't even pronounce because of how nasty it made me feel? But I tried to act normal, as normal that I could be, and continued with my answer. “College was alright, I'm just glad that I'm done, back home with you guys.” Liam nodded, taking a sip of his wine.

“This is so good, Mrs. Payne,” Niall moaned as he chewed his food. The other boys chuckled as he blissfully enjoyed his meal. He looked like he enjoyed food often. My mom chuckled, rolling her eyes at him.

“Hey!” Zayn whined, glaring at Niall. In both of their hands was the last piece of bread. “It's mine!”

“No, I had it first!” Niall fought back. Zayn shook his head as he tried to pull it out of Niall's hands.

“Excuuuuse me?” Zayn grumbled with a shocked look on his face.

“Boys!” My mom laughed, raising her voice just a bit. “Split it in half for my heart's sake!” They both nodded, feeling extra stupid for not thinking of that in the first place. As the others began to talk about the most random off-topic things, I quietly sat there, eyeing my food, a questioning look on my face. An elbow then nudged into my side. I looked up to find Harry smiling at me.

“It's good, you'll like it I'm sure.” Slowly nodding, my shaky hands grasped the burger and with a swift motion I took a bite . I could taste the bile already begin sizzle on my tongue. This burger didn't taste the same, and I could feel my brain begin to explode, sending signals to my body to get ready for the binge and purge routine. I regrettably swallowed the food and tried to smile at my mom who stared at me intently. I finished with a few more bites before asking to be excused; my mom gave me a worried look and gestured over to Liam who looked at me with a small smile. I sighed, and took another bite before getting up, rinsing my plate and charging up to my room. As soon as I hit my personal bathroom, I turn the sinks on to cover the noise and threw everything up with just two tries. I felt so much better now, the disgusting after taste sent me to the sink where I rushed to brush my teeth. Soon after, I was lying on my bed, my stereo blaring Alkaline Trio, and I staring up at the ceiling with no interest at all.

A small knock interrupted my timeless thoughts, I yelled for whoever it was to come in as I turned down my music. The familiar face of my brother came into view as he entered my room and closed the door behind him. I sat up on my bed and padded the spot next to me. He leaped onto it with one stride, making me laugh only some.

“Now, tell me,” Liam side after a few seconds. “How are you?”

I sighed, running my hands threw my hair in stress. “I'm doing good, Liam, I told you.” His hands reached for my arms, where he slid the sleeves up to inspect them. I pulled away quickly, a glare on my face. “What are you doing?”

“I need to check everyday, Lana. Mom said I need to help keep an eye on you, and that's what I'm doing.”

I scoffed, pulling myself away from my brother. “Wow, you guys really don't trust me, huh?” I felt sick now, lying straight to his face killed me almost as much as lying to my mom did. I disliked everything that I was doing, but I couldn't stop it.

Liam let out an exasperated sigh, looking into my eyes, all over my face to try and find my bluff. But I hid that so well. “We do, we're just trying to keep you safe.” I groaned as I held out my arms. Slowly, Liam pulled the sleeves back up to check out my arms. I could see it in his face that he didn't like seeing my scars, his eyes glistened with sadness while his lips twitched at every ugly scar on my arm. When he was done, he slid the jacket back down and looked up at me. “I'm so glad that you're better, Lana.” I was pulled into a tight hug, where all that I could do was hug back.

“Yeah, me too, Liam, me too.”