For All I Know

I walked into the cemetery for the first time since the funeral. I hung my head low, the snow in the cold December air blowing in my face. I hadn’t spoken to Claire since the day Ryan died. It had been damn close to a year. I had fought with myself to fight to get her back, but every time I got a chance, something was in the way. I tried going to the hospital, asking Nat where she was, if she had left Chicago. She wouldn’t give me an answer. I left Chicago as soon as the season wrapped up. Since Claire left me, I was playing like shit and I didn’t blame my teammates for yelling at me to step my game up. Truth was, I couldn’t. It only got worse when Ryan died, something I had to find out over the phone from Nat. Going home was the one thing I could think of to clear my head and get my head back in the game. That didn’t work out exactly the way I planned, as Claire popped up in almost every thought I had.

I felt horrible for cheating on her. I tried calling, texting, anything just to try to get her let me explain. It was the worst mistake of my life. Worse than that, I felt bad for breaking a promise I made with Ryan the last time I saw him.

**Flashback**

“Promise me something, Pat.” Ryan looked at me with a look of such sincerity, I knew that it was something important to him. I nodded slowly.

“Anything, buddy.”

Tears began to form in his eyes. He held his hand out and looked back and forth between his hand and me, his gaze finally landing on me. I took the hint and took his hand in mine. He blinked back a few tears before he spoke.

“Promise me you’ll take care of Claire. She loves you, I can tell. You make her happier than I’ve ever seen. Please, promise me you won’t hurt her.”

**End Flashback**

I knelt down by the headstone and felt tears well up in my eyes. I closed my eyes and felt the guilt of breaking that promise roll through me. I traced my fingers over Ryan’s name as I whispered, my words dripping with guilt.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry… ” I wiped my eyes, placing the lone carnation in my hands on the snow in front of the headstone. “Happy Birthday, buddy.”