For All I Know

I had just finished my shift, and walked through the halls of the hospital. I walked up to the nurses’ desk in the paramedic ward, and smiled at Nat. She was on the phone and nodded at me. When she hung up the phone, she came around from behind the desk. She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and we walked into the nurses’ lunch room. I placed the bag that was in my hand on the table and Nat went into the fridge. She looked over at me with a sad smile.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I want to celebrate this.”

She smiled and pulled out the cupcakes. She placed them on the table, while I pulled out the candles. Nat pulled two cupcakes out of the package. She reached across the table and gave my hand a light squeeze. I placed a candle on each of the cupcakes and lit them. I looked up and smiled at Nat. She smiled back at me. I closed my eyes and whispered softly.

“Happy birthday, Ryan.”

Nat and I blew out the candles and ate our cupcakes in silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence, it was comfortable. When I was finished my cupcake, I stood up from the table. Nat stood up and cleared the table.

“Are you gonna be okay?”

I nodded and slipped my coat on.

“Yeah, I’m just going to head over to the cemetery, then head home and watch Ryan’s favourite movie.”

She gave me a sympathetic smile and walked up to me.

“Did you want me to come over when I’m done?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I think I’ll be okay. Thank you for everything, Nat. You’ve been a real great friend this past year.”

She smiled and pulled me into a hug. “That’s what I’m here for.”

I smiled, pulling away, grabbing my purse and leaving the office. I walked out of the hospital, thinking of all that had happened since Ryan had died. I had moved out of Nat’s apartment and found one of my own. It was in a small building in a suburb of Chicago. I quit my job at the United Center and thankfully, Nat found me a job working in the employee cafeteria. Perhaps the biggest change I made was cutting Pat out of my life. I ignored his texts, calls, and tried to avoid all of the places he frequently went to. I occasionally would watch the Hawks play for the remainder of the season, but the feeling of watching the game without Ryan hurt, so I never made it through a whole game.

I drove to the cemetery. When I found a parking spot and stepped out of my car, I thought I spotted a familiar Tahoe. I stared at the vehicle for a few seconds, but then snapped out of my trance and walked through the cemetery. The only sound I could hear was the snow crunching beneath my feet. The closer I got to Ryan’s grave, I began to hear another sound. Someone was crying. The wind was beginning to pick up, so I took my glove off my one hand and felt my face to see if I was the one crying. After feeling nothing, I looked around me. My eyes found a man crouched down in front of a headstone. He was sobbing. Taking a few steps closer, I saw the man was in front of Ryan’s head stone. When the man lifted his head to look up into the sky, I got a glimpse of his face. My breath caught in my throat. Pat

I didn’t move any closer to him. I stood behind a tree, hoping he wouldn’t see me. I stood there and listened to him talk to the headstone, more importantly, to Ryan.

“I’m so sorry, Ryan. I’m sorry I hurt Claire. I never meant to do that. I broke your promise, and I don’t know how to make it better. She won’t speak to me. I have no idea where she is.” I heard him pause. With every word he spoke, I felt my heart break a little more.

There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of Pat. Even though he was around me more so for Ryan’s sake, I found myself falling for him. I fell fast and hard. I avoided him at all costs, not because I didn’t care about him anymore, but because I didn’t know what to say. I felt guilty for not calling him when Ryan was minutes away from saying his final goodbyes. I had no idea he made Pat that promise. Of course, it happened after he cheated on me. I had contemplated going back to Pittsburgh and giving it another shot with Jordan, but even after just a short time, I knew where my heart stood. The only thing that stood in the way, was both Pat and I had been apart for so long, that I didn’t know if he felt the same way anymore. I had tried to move on, gone on a few dates, but no one came close. I began to forget about him cheating and how much he hurt me, and focused on how much I missed him. I missed the little things. I missed the way he would say things so subtly, like buying my favourite food the day Ryan and I left for Pittsburgh. Thinking back, while he may have done the worst damage, I had still done my fair share of hurting him.

I leaned against the tree and closed my eyes, confused. I was still mad at him for what he did, but at the same time, I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. I felt a few tears escape my eyes as I heard him speak up once again.

“Since I can’t take care of you, I hope you can. I hope she’s happy.” I peeked my head around the tree and I saw him wipe his eyes. “I still love her, Ry, but I know I don’t deserve her. So, please take care of her. I know you leaving hit her hard. Help her keep her head up and be happy.” He stood up and shaked the snow off of his pants. “I love you, buddy.”

I watched Pat turn and he began to walk towards me. His head was down so he didn’t see me. I stood still in my spot. I didn’t know whether to walk up to him or stay hidden. I decided to stay hidden, not knowing exactly what to say to him. It had been too long. I kept myself hidden from Pat, with help from the tree. As soon as he was far enough away, I stepped out into the open. I watched him walk to his car and open the door. I wish I could find the words to say to him, but nothing came to mind. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. When I first saw him, I wanted to yell at him, still angry for cheating on me. But after hearing him talk to Ryan, my heart softened a little bit, and all will to scream went out the window.

I walked over to the headstone and instantly fell to my knees, sobbing.

“Oh Ryan,” I looked up into the clouds. “What am I doing? I love him, but I’m so mad at him at the same time.” I let the hot tears flow down my face as I poured my heart out. “I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. I know that stupid to think, living in Chicago, but it worked for the longest time. I want to move on, move past this but I can’t.” I picked up the carnation that Pat must have placed in front of the headstone and began to sob even harder.

“I’m so confused.”