Holding On To You

Thinking back to all those memorable moments he had spent with her, it hurt.

He really didn’t know for how much longer he was supposed to have to live, day by day, with this feeling. This feeling that was slowly but surely eating him up inside.
How many days had it been? He had lost count. But he knew that more than a year had already passed by.

Actually, it must have been about one and a half years – and that may sound like a long time, but he still remembered everything as if it had happened just yesterday. He still remembered her in a way that made him feel like she had never left. But once the memory slowly faded and left him in the always returning cold of reality, he knew she was gone.

It was difficult to make himself realize that he needed to move on, but there was no use thinking she would return and take away the heart ache he was suffering from, because she most certainly would not come back. And in time, he finally did see that it might actually be a good thing for him to let go.

Or at least he tried to keep thinking that it would be the right thing to do.

He felt a slight pain in his chest as he dropped the letter into the post box. The letter that would be the last. He had written her so many times, always making sure to never let her forget that she would have a place in his heart until the day he’d drew his last breath. She just never answered back. Not one single time. Everyone used to tell him how foolish he was for still holding on, but he just couldn’t stop believing there was a chance for them.

But maybe they were right. Maybe his own excuses to why she had never sent him anything in return were indeed foolish. Maybe he had been blinding himself with all of it. He didn’t want it anymore.

“I’m letting go.” He whispered, sighing as he made a turn and began to walk back to his house. The sun had begun to set and the summer air was beginning to cool down a little, becoming the perfect temperature for spending time outside. Yet he wasn’t sure if he would still get into the right mood to take some time and enjoy it.

He just wished it wasn’t so hard for him, but he couldn’t deny how much it pained him.

-

He had spent the night working on the lyrics to one of his band’s new songs. It wasn’t like he was writing them on his own, they had been discussing it for long enough already. He just wanted it to be perfect, so he made a few changes. Once he was content with the result, he placed the papers back in the folder and then looked around the room to see if there was anything more he needed to clean up.

Anyone else would probably leave it until the next day when they were tired, but Matt just didn’t like messiness. Luckily, everything seemed just fine to him, so he just grabbed the folder and walked up to his bedroom, placing the important papers down on the desk, next to his laptop.
He yawned as he unbuckled his belt to free himself of his pants. He threw them onto the end of his bed before he laid down in it himself. He turned a few times before he found the right position to sleep in, but once he did, he let out a sigh.

There she was again.

Another night leaving him wishing she was right there beside him. He missed pulling her close when they had gone to sleep. He missed the smell of her hair every time he’d turn his head when she was resting hers on his chest. He could go on forever. But for a change, he was able to push the thoughts aside.

For once, he could make himself stop thinking about her, because he had finally truly decided that it was enough. He had spent enough time craving for her.

Things would get better now. He was sure of it.

--

A light frown appeared on Caylee’s face as she took her post out of the box and immediately spotted the letter Matt had sent her. She knew exactly what his handwriting looked like and seeing that he had written her again actually brightened up her day a little bit.

It had been weeks since he had last written anything, so this was indeed a surprise to her. She took the papers inside her apartment and closed the front door, leaving all the letters on the small table which stood just on the way to the kitchen. Only taking Matt’s letter with her she then went into her small living room and dropped down on the couch.

She realized the room was a mess as she finally looked around, she would really need to take care of it later. But first, she had to read what Matt had written.

Dear Caylee,

I know you were probably already wondering if I had stopped writing to you, seeing that it has been quite a while since you received my last letter. I would apologize for leaving you waiting. Well, if you were actually waiting for this, that is. But I just can’t. Now, I can’t even be sure if you ever read this, but I think I know you well enough and I think you wouldn’t just ignore these. Though, you have already managed to surprise me a lot. But this is not the point I was aiming for,…
I need to let you know that I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep spending every day dwelling on the past, on our past. I have explained my feelings in each letter that I sent, but I have finally come to realize that I am not doing the right thing. This is wrong. You made your choice by leaving, without saying a word – and it was just time for me to make my own. I am finally letting you go.
I should have done it long ago, but I just didn’t want to believe that you were gone for good. It hurts too much to live like this, when there obviously is no reason to at all, at least not anymore. I have no more hope for your return.
I thought this would be forever. I really believed that you and I would even get through this, but I have been a fool in so many ways!

I just wish you would have explained. I wish you would have given me just something to understand why all of this had to be this way. I am done trying now. I am done wondering what could have been.
I wouldn’t have thought I would ever be doing this. You were everything that I wanted, needed, but this is just too much, even for me. You know I tried.
I just can’t live with the fact that you haven’t. It was so easy for you to go.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop missing you, but I am willing to try. Either way, I am going to move on – and I will not look back one more time. This is it. It’s better this way.

Matt

Caylee stared at the paper in her hands in disbelief. The tears that had started to form in her eyes while she was reading were now rolling down her cheeks, getting more and more every second. She didn’t know it would effect her this way.

Usually, Matt’s letters left her feeling loved, really, really loved. They left her with a warmth in her heart that she didn’t know how to describe, though she felt guilty every time. This one made her feel different though. She was shocked, mainly because she just didn’t think this would happen at any point.

The guilt. It was all coming back up, as she sat there and for the first time realized what she had done to him. Of course she had always known, but it had never been this crystal clear.

She swallowed hard and wiped her cheeks, trying to stop the tears before she got up, placing the letter down on the table in front of her before she started to walk to her bedroom, quiet sobs filling her small apartment.

She walked over to her night stand and took out the letters Matt had written her before, it were quite a lot. She sat on the bed, her back against the wall as the tears again started to get worse. She wasn’t even able to describe her feelings anymore, it was like a tornado inside her turning everything into a complete mess.

The hours went on and on whilst Caylee was reading Matt’s words, but instead of leaving a smile on her lips as they usually did, they kept her tears rolling this time. After a while she felt too exhausted to keep reading, so she laid down on the bed. Her tears were finally getting less, but her thoughts kept driving her crazy. She knew she had to do something about the situation, there wasn’t any other way.

She just couldn’t let it go on like this.

--

A few days later, as the the night was drawing closer, Matt was getting ready to go out. He didn’t really need a lot, he wasn’t dressing more special than usual either – He just wanted to make sure he wouldn’t be too late. It had been quite a while since him and the guys had actually hung out and not done any work. So it was time for them to just have some fun again, before they got too caught up in the work and messed up their whole album.

He was really looking forward to it. He had finally begun to open up more again. Going out had always ended weirdly before Matt had made up his mind, he was sure this time he would actually enjoy it to the maximum.

Matt had just picked out his shirt and put it on, but was interrupted by the door bell ringing before he could continue getting ready. He frowned lightly, wondering who would still stop by. He wasn't expecting anyone, especially not the guys because they were all meeting up together in half an hour.

He quickly made his way down the stairs and to the front door. He opened it quickly since he had already taken a lot of time even getting downstairs, but who he saw when the door was opened left him feeling like his heart had just dropped all the way down to his feet.

His mouth was opened a tiny bit, but he didn’t find the words to speak and instead just stared at her. He couldn’t believe she was there on his front porch – He was pretty sure he must have been dreaming. She looked just like she had when he had last seen her. Her blond hair was still falling down over her shoulders as straight as always, her piercing blue eyes seeming almost magical. She was still as beautiful as he remembered, and it almost knocked him out.

“Hey…,” Caylee spoke, her voice soft – but she almost sounded scared.

When she spoke, Matt finally realized that just standing in shock and staring wasn’t useful. He pressed his lips together to a thin line for a moment, almost having to fight tears from forming in his eyes, almost.

“C-Caylee…;” Matt still found it hard to speak and she could tell by the look on his face how shocked and utterly confused he was. She herself tried to keep calm, she didn’t want the both of them to start freaking out.

“Can I…come in?” She asked carefully, trying to smile a little, but she couldn’t. Seeing him again brought back a lot of feelings, but she felt too guilty. She knew that this reunion would maybe not be a good thing.

Matt stepped aside and opened the door more to let her walk in, still feeling shocked. He watched her walk inside and closed the door after her, swallowing as he kept his eyes on her.

“What are you doing here? Why?…Why now?” He finally asked, not moving his gaze anywhere else.

Caylee looked up at Matt, who was a bit taller than herself. As the silence grew longer she started to get teary. Matt didn’t like the sight of that at all, even though he was completely unsure about what he was feeling, or supposed to feel.

“I had to. I just had to…finally come and talk to you. Your letter…I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take your goodbye.”

Another moment of silence went by while Matt stared at her, beginning to frown.

“You couldn’t take my goodbye??,” He said, his voice holding a sound that she couldn’t place. “After one and a half years of suffering I had to go through because you said your goodbye, you couldn’t take mine? After ALL this time?”

“Let me explain, Matt, please!” She pled.

“I don’t know what you think you can say to make this any better. It’s already gotten to its worst. You shouldn’t be here…,”

“Matt-“

“No! After I finally found a way to…to stop this pain, you think you can just show up here and rip the wound back open, just like that? Do you enjoy doing this to me??”

He couldn’t believe any of this was happening. How could she, after all this time, decide to come back just when he finally started to get better. It had been the hardest thing for him to ever go through, emotionally, and it seemed to never want to end.

“I realize I can’t expect you to be happy about this anymore, not after what I have done to you, but I had to come. I…I have to talk to you, Matt! I was suffering too! Every since I went away, my life hasn’t been the same, I have not been the same! Not without you…”

“I don’t understand-“ Matt frowned as she interrupted him again, looking right at her as tears started to slowly fall down her cheeks. It hurt. After everything that had happened, it still hurt him deeply to see her cry.

“I never really wanted to leave you, I just had to. I know this all won’t make a lot of sense right away, but…just let me try, okay? Please, I beg you, please, Matt. Give me a chance to explain myself.”

Matt swallowed lightly before he slowly nodded his head at her.

“Alright. We can talk…let’s just, sit down in the living room.” He said and began to walk toward the couch. Caylee followed right away and sat down next to him.

He believed he had never felt so strange before. He couldn’t tell what was going on with him, but he wanted to hug her, kiss her, just make her his own again and at the same time wanted her to leave and finally allow him to stop suffering. He wanted to let go of the confusion. He simply wanted everything to be okay, but he had been waiting for an explanation for too long. He had to hear it.

“I never told you anything that wasn’t true. I know you think that I didn’t love you, but I felt just the same way you did. I have never felt better than when I was with you. I…I never wanted us to end, either, because I knew I would never find that again, Matt. I was happy with you, you completed me.”

“So why did you leave??” Matt looked at her, his face still holding a frown. All of his emotions were trying to press tears out of his eyes just hearing her words, but he didn’t let them out.

“There is something I never told you, and…when you guys got signed and we all knew that your band had an amazing time ahead, I got scared. I got scared of so many things.”

There was another moment when nothing was said because Caylee paused and wiped a few tears off her cheeks. Her gaze was lowered for that time, but she knew that Matt was still looking at her, waiting for her to continue to speak. She sobbed softly, but quickly calmed herself down again.

“I was in Huntington earlier than I told you. Actually, I had been here before quite a while longer, but I wasn’t lying about moving here. Just…when I first got here I met…Brian.” She paused again, letting out a sigh. She looked at Matt and saw him obviously get even more confused.

“Haner?” He asked, and she simply nodded. Now Matt was expecting to get the worst of news.

“I never wanted to tell you this, but simply because I didn’t want to ruin your future, Matt. I couldn’t be with you while keeping this a secret, but I couldn’t tell you either. I knew you and Brian…probably, wouldn’t be the same again. But you dreamed of Avenged Sevenfold more than anything and it was coming true! I didn’t dare to ruin that for you, it would be better than you having me. I still don’t know if I made the right choice back then, or not, but I never meant to hurt you like this.” Her tears were still falling, and by that point, Matt found himself getting teary as well.

His confusion only just grew worse. He had heard what she had told him, but he was too focused on what she said about Brian to pay more attention to it.

“What is it? What…what did you keep from me?”

“Brian and I were…a couple, kind of. For quite a while. We weren’t really official, for whatever reason, he never told me. I never met any of you guys during that time, but…after I had been with him for some time, a new side of him…showed up.” Caylee was speaking through her tears by that point, sobbing slightly a few times while she spoke.

“Please, let me tell you this and don’t freak out, just..please, okay?” She asked him and he nodded.

“I got pregnant, from him. I hadn’t been with any guy before, at least not like that and he just didn’t take the news very well. He made me lose the baby. He…he didn’t, try to convince me to not have it, he just…showed how much he wasn’t okay with the idea of it all and…” She couldn’t actually tell him what exactly Brian had done, but telling by the way she was speaking and her sobs getting worse, Matt didn’t have to think a lot.

“I wanted to tell you when we were together. I wanted to tell you everything! He just…he wouldn’t let me, Matt. He threatened me when I brought it up and at one point, I couldn’t take it anymore. Do you…do you remember the day I looked so bad and…I told you I had been stupid and fell down the stairs?” She asked, swallowing as she slowly raised her head and looked over at him.

“Y-Yeah…I remember that…,” His voice had gotten a little weak. He didn’t want to hear her say what he was already thinking.

“He hit me. He knew exactly what would come if you knew about it, and he made me realize that I would destroy not only his future, but yours as well. You wanted it so much, Matt…I didn’t want to do that to you.” One more final sob. She looked at him and saw a few tears falling from his eyes.

“He-he…did that to you?”

Matt was in complete shock. He would have imagined every reason for her leaving, but not this. He couldn’t understand how one of his closest and best friends could betray him in such a way, and act like nothing was wrong for years.

In that moment, he was starting to forget what he had been through ever since she had been gone. He realized what she had been through as well – there was a feeling coming to show that he had never been feeling about the situation. Anger. Disgust. But he had all of his senses on her, he would take care of that later.

He closed the space in between the two of them and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to his chest like he had been wanting to do for ages. He felt her wrap his arms back around him as she cried against his chest. His tears were still falling as well as he held her close and buried his face in her hair.

“I’m so sorry for leaving you…I should have stayed.” She mumbled under her breath, still holding onto him tightly.

“It’s okay. It’s okay now, Caylee.” He replied, pressing his lips to her cheek.

It was killing him to have her crying in his arms and knowing what she had left him for. It was harder to take than what he had to deal with when she left all that time ago, but at least he had one thing more on his side now: Love.

He knew it was pure and true. The connection between them, it had held them together even while they were separated in such a messed up situation. He finally knew that he hadn’t been a fool for holding on, but that his heart had simply always known what it wanted and where it belonged.

“I love you. I won’t let you go again. We’ll…we’ll deal with this.” His voice came in a whisper as he had calmed down enough. He was caressing her back slowly to try and calm her down and it was showing effect.

For once, she felt content again. She felt safe and she just needed that comfort. She had had to deal with all of her emotion on her own for so long, it had been too much. Now there was hope, there was hope for both of them. Hope that finally everything was going to be alright.

The last thing he wanted to do was let go of her. The way she clung to him let him know that he shouldn’t anyway. And he would hold her for as long as it was needed – but he knew the next thing he would be doing afterwards was deal with his best friend.

He wasn’t going to let him get away with that, not after all they both had to go through.