Mess You Made

Sadie—

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you would be so kind as to stay seated and buckle your seat-belts, we are making our descent into Baltimore, Maryland."

I could feel my throat go dry. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I felt like my chest was collapsing. Why am I doing this? Why am I subjecting myself to being here again? My pulse began to race as my leg starts bouncing up and down nervously. My fingers curl over the arms of my chair as I force myself to keep my gaze away from the window.

I hear the person sitting beside me shift. "Don't like descending? Me neither."

I spare a glance at the man. He was in his thirties it looked, with a straight white smile and coal-black hair. I give a sour grimace. "Something like that."

Then our discussion ended as the flight attendant came back on and asked everyone to put their trays back into the seats and to hold down any loose belongings. I do so and grab my bag off the floor, placing it in my lap. I close my eyes as I felt the plane begin to move downward again.

"You here for business or pleasure?"

I open my eyes and look over at my neighbor again. I didn't know how to answer at first. But then I answered in the most honest way I could. "Business."

"What kind of business?"

This guy was really starting to tick me off with his questions. I can understand small-talk, but why do I need to lay out my life for this man? "Just...business." I give him a look that told him to end the conversation. Which he did, nodding his head curtly and turning his head back around so he was looking forward. My stomach churned as we dipped lower and lower.

It was only a mere ten minutes before the wheels were touching the ground. I felt my heart jump just like the wheels did as it touched asphalt. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God... My knuckles faded into white as I squeezed the arms of my chair again. I felt like I was gonna be sick.

"Are you all right?" the guys asks me. "You look quite pale."

I shake my head. "I'll be fine once this trip is over with."

He opens his mouth, but doesn't seem to be able to find the words to say, before just nodding and moving back again. I touch my hand to my forehead, enjoying the coolness of my palm, before the plane was slowing as we were stopping beside the gate.

"Thank you for joining us on Southwest Airlines, ladies and gentlemen. If you would do us the honor of making a formal line, we would be glad to see you off the plane and have a wonderful day."

Soon, everyone was standing up.

It felt like a whirlwind and one I couldn't seem to see through. Everything was a blur as I was hustled to my feet, the man beside me gone and heading off the plane. I move out from my row of seats and reach up to open the overhead compartment. My little red suitcase sat there. I tried to pack lightly since I didn't think, no, didn't want—to be here long. The wedding wouldn't be for awhile, but I knew Cassadee wanted to see me and I wanted to congratulate her in person.

That's it.

Soon I was off the plane. The entire way down the gate I felt like it was going to cave in and I would plummet to my death below. Which sounded a lot better than walking into the airport.

Once I got to the entrance into the airport, I stopped. Should I really be doing this? Should I really be here? Should I really risk the chance of seeing either of them again? And what if I did see them again? What would happen? What would their reactions be? What would they do? What would I do?

"Oi!" someone screams from behind me. "You're holding up the line!"

I snap out of it and walk forward. "Sorry!"

Then, I was in the airport. Men and women and children rushed by with suitcases in hand. People waved and hugged and kissed in greeting. I felt my heart crumble. I clear my throat and remind myself to not feel sorry for myself; I was the reason my life was so messed up.

I look up to find the signs that would guide me to baggage claim. I walked hesitantly but seemed to make it there within a few minutes. I was standing by the baggage train when I hear my name.

"Sadie!"

I look around once I hear it. About ten yards away, I see Cassadee and Rian running full speed toward me. Before I realized that I was actually doing it, my face was breaking out into a grin as I run forward and meet them halfway. "Cass!" I laugh out loud as we smack into each other in a hug. The wind was knocked out of both of us, but we didn't care. We just laugh again and squeeze each other. "Holy shit, it's been so long!"

"It really has!" she agrees as we pull apart. I then noticed I was smiling and how foreign it felt on my face. Yet it felt so good at the same time. "Man, you look...good!"

"I doubt it," I roll my eyes. "And Rian? Do I not get a hug from you?"

Said man's lips pull up into his dentist-scream-worthy smile. I smile wider as he comes forward and sweeps me into one of his engulfing hugs. "How ya doing kid?" he asks in my ear. He pecks my cheek before putting me down and moving back to Cass' side.

I shrug. "I'm as good as I can be."

That's when the luggage from my flight starts to come around. I walk over with them trailing behind me as they launch into what had been going on lately. They were kind enough to not mention the two names that I knew would be brought up. I just nodded and laughed at the appropriate times. My toiletry bag came around, my one bag that wasn't on the flight with me, and I grab for it as they finished up whatever story they'd been telling me.

Soon, we were walking out of the airport. I felt my throat close up as fresh oxygen hits me in the face. The sky was a bright blue and the air was fresh and crisp, not too hot and not too cold. I felt my heart drop. I was back in Baltimore.



"Sorry, but we're gonna have to make a pit stop at the studio," Rian says after we'd been driving for about fifteen minutes. "Everyone left and Zack is stuck without a ride."

I was able to breathe easy when that name started with a Z instead of a J.

Cass looks back at me. "Are you cool with us picking up Zack and taking him home before we head back to Rian's house?"

I nod. "Just as long as—"

"They aren't," she immediately smooths out that crease. "I promise." She gives me a small smile before turning back around. I look out the window of the car, breathing in and out slowly. I could handle this. Both of them said the two boys wouldn't be there. I have nothing to be scared about.

After another fifteen minutes, we were pulling into the lot of the studio. It was pretty vacant, save for a few cars, which none I recognized. Fortunately.

Rian swoops into a space and parks. We all get out and head inside. It was pretty normal for a recording studio. It was a different one then they'd usually used before, but it had a nice home-y feel to it. Rian shows his ID to say he was allowed in the back before Cass and I were following him back there. "Zack said he was in the recording room," Rian says. "This way."

He leads us down a hall before we come upon the room. The door was ajar with no one inside. "Shit," Rian sighs. "I'll check the bathroom. Cass, go ask Mike to see if Zack is in another room. And Sadie...uhm..."

"Just stay here," I finish for him. "I'll be fine. Just come back and get me when you find Zack."

They both smile at me before leaving me alone in the room. I take a deep breath, realizing that probably just a few hours prior, the two boys I had vowed to stay away from had been sitting in here, listening and writing and recording. I turn my head this way and that, noting the couch up against the wall, across from the sound board. The three swivels chairs in front of the sound board, which was parallel to the recording booths. I could see microphones and headphones and loose picks and a few guitars set up inside, here and there. It all reminded me of everything I'd left that I had to look away after only a few seconds.

As I go over to one of the swivel chairs to sit down, I notice a desk pushed up against the opposite wall from the couch. A lone plastic chair sat behind it and a notebook sat there, the edges rough and a few of the pages stuck out haphazardly like they'd been ripped out then stuck back inside.

I swallow before walking forward and sitting down in the chair.

I open the notebook, my heart stopping at the name printed on the back of the cover. Property of Alex Gaskarth. If this is Mike who stole this, then fuck you. I couldn't help but laugh at the last line. But then I was turning the pages and the smile was wiped off my face.

Each page had a different song or verse or melody on it. There were constant scribbles and crossed-out words or phrases and many, many rewrites. I even found the original copy of Daydream Away a few pages in that made my entire stomach just clench in the most horrific way. I immediately turn that page so I wouldn't have to look at it anymore.

Then, I come upon his newer songs. Songs that he was writing for their upcoming album.

And it felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart.

Lazy lover,
find a place for me again.
You felt it once before,
I know you did.
I could see it.

Backseat serenade,
dizzy hurricane.
Oh, God I'm sick of sleeping alone.

I bite at my bottom lip harshly as I turn the page. I could feel the indents of the pen going into the paper, could just see him staying up late at night, writing out these words ferociously.

This room's become a mausoleum filled with relics of regret,
paying dues to every moment wasted on words left unsaid.
Collisions of a finer love, I'd kill for one more way
to tell how you make me better every day.

If these sheets were the states and you were miles away,
I'd fold them end over end to bring you closer to me.
Because I don't sleep at all without you pressed up against me.
I settle for long distance calls, I'm lost in empty pillow talk again.

A shiver runs down my spine as I turn the page again, finding yet another song.

If there's something left to be learned, then my time is running,
why should I waste it all, wasted on you?
I shouldn't be trusted to live and let go
When the last of my cities have burned
Then what's left in nothing,
why did I waste it all, wasted it on you?
I couldn't be trusted to live and let go.

I felt my chest burst open. It felt like someone had set my skin on fire. I broke him. He's broken and there's no way to fix it. How can he go back from this?

I don't wanna say goodnight,
the city comes alive when we're together.
Why can't Thursday last forever?
I don't wanna say goodnight,
I've never been so sure.
Just do it for the memories,
do it for Baltimore.
And do it for me.

He wrote these. About me. Maybe not full songs, but snippets of songs. Little tidbits here and there, little anecdotes that he put in his songs that were about me. Hidden underneath the full melody, the notes, and the other words. But they were there. Staring me straight in the face.

I was a pawn in all of your plans,
you kept me busy.
Locked behind your chambered doors
when you felt frisky.
Until you got sick of me,
I was never good enough to be,
anything but a remedy
to all of you constant pressing needs.
And I never learned...

That one hurt the most. It was like he'd thrown everything I did—my cheating, my hidden feelings—back in my face. As if telling the world how I practically played him, had him dangling in front of me until I felt the need to have him again.

That's probably what hurt the most.

And then, I turn the page once again and come upon another song. Just the title had me knowing it wasn't going to be good. Thanks to You. My heart starts to pump louder in my ears. My blood ran cold as I read down the first line. That's all it took for my inner organs to rupture.

Thanks to you, I'm moving on.

Even though I begged myself not to, I read through the entire song. By the time I had finished, I was in tears. Salt water was tasted on my tongue as a sob bubbles out of my throat. I slap the notebook closed as I press a hand to my mouth. I squeeze my eyes shut to try and rid myself of the tears. It didn't really seem to work.

Then, I hear footsteps hurrying to the room. "Mike! Mike, you in there? Sorry man, but I left my notebook again and—"

I didn't hear the rest. I was scrambling out the chair as fast as I could and running to the other door in the room. As I do, my hand knocks against the edge of the desk. I mutter a bad word, vaguely hear as something metal clatters to the ground, then run to the door. I pull it open quickly before closing it behind me. It didn't close all the way, leaving a sliver of light in the closet. I peek out as Alex enters the room.

"Mike?" he asks. I felt my breathing stop. He looked...damn good. I'll admit he looked much skinnier than he had a year ago. And his eyes seemed to have that dead look in them. "Could-a sworn someone was in here." He looks this way and that and when his brown gaze glanced at the closet for a millisecond, my knees turned to jelly. "And now I'm talking to myself."

He looks over at the desk, making an 'A-ha!' motion. "There you are," he says, going over and grabbing his notebook. Then he stops dead, his face pointed to the floor.

I freeze as well. Why isn't he leaving? He should be leaving if he just came to get his notebook!

I watch as he crouches down, getting close to the floor. When he stands back up, my heart stopped beating for a few moments when I see what he was holding. It was my ring. The ring I wore almost every day. The ring Jack gave me for my birthday two years ago. Naissent libres was engraved on the inside of it. It had fallen off my hand when it hit the desk.

"Shit," I mouth out loud to no one.

I watch as Alex turns it over and over in his hand, his brows creasing deeper and deeper as time passed. Finally, he mutters one thing, one thing that set my flesh ablaze: "Sadie?"

Then, the door to the recording room was banging open and Alex was slipping my ring into his pocket. I curse myself as Rian loudly says, "Alex! What are you doing here?" he looked nervous, his gaze sweeping over the room, as if looking for me.

"Left my notebook," he says easily, holding up said object. "I was just leaving."

Cass smiles. "Ah. Ri and I are picking up Zack. He doesn't have a ride back to his hotel."

"Oh," Alex says. "I'll take him. I know how eager you two are to get back home to finish celebrating the engagement." He smiles, making it shown he was joking. "Where is Zack? I was just on my way out." I notice as his hand lightly touches the pocket where my ring was now concealed.

"Waiting outside," Cass says. A swallow was stuck in her throat. "I thought I'd left something so we came to check."

Alex nods. I could tell he seemed a bit skeptical. "Gotta get going. See ya tomorrow?"

They both nod before Alex was leaving. Even after he'd left the room, I could still smell his Axe. It seemed to linger in the air, tempting me to run after him. Once they were sure he'd gone, Cass and Rian both look around frantically. "Sadie?!"

I push the closet door open, revealing myself. "Hey."

They both droop in relief. "Shit," Rian breathes. "We had no idea—"

I shrug as I come out of the closet, feeling naked without my ring. "It's all right. I hid well. He had no idea I was here." That is, except for my ring. I gesture to the door, ready to get the hell out of here. "Shall we?"