Shattered Glass & Broken Hearts

The drive to the hospital was spent in complete silence, with neither Ronnie nor Emily speaking a word about what had happened earlier on in the morning. All Emily could think about was the way she’d felt so close to him – safe, comforted…Loved, even. And Ronnie?

All he could think about was the car accident from ten years ago, and how much he didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as Emily, let alone kiss her like he had this morning. He didn’t know why he’d been so shaken this morning, because God only knew he’d had the same nightmare a million times since the accident had happened. They had been so bad when he’d been locked up that the shrink had wanted him on pills to calm him down, but he’d refused. Taking more pills was the last thing he’d needed then, especially after kicking his habits for Emily’s memory.

“Ronnie,” she finally whispered as he pulled into what seemed like the only empty parking space outside the hospital’s main entrance. She licked over her chaffed bottom lip and then turned to face him slowly. “Are we going to talk?”

He swallowed hard. This wasn’t a conversation he was ready to have with her yet.

“I…” He swallowed again before he curled his hands into fists. “No. We’re not.”

Emily frowned, turning away from Ronnie again as she unbuckled the seatbelt before exiting the car without waiting for him. This was the side of Ronnie she had always hated – a side of him she’d rarely seen when they’d been together. Back then, he had never shut her out. He’d never tried to hide his feelings back then, but now? Now, it was all he seemed to do and if Emily was completely honest with herself, it was starting to grate on her nerves and her sanity.

Did he still love her? Or was it all just guilt that caused him to act the way he did? She didn’t know, but she knew that she needed to figure it out because hanging in limbo was driving her nuts.

“Emily, wait up,” she heard Ronnie’s voice calling after her as she walked towards the doors. Instead of stopping for him like she would have done in the past, she just clenched her hands in fists at her sides as she continued walking. If he wanted to shut her out, she had to do the same to him. She had to build up walls again because God only knew that things could never be the same even if it was all she wanted.

“Emily!”

His footsteps were getting louder and she let out a shriek when she unexpectedly felt herself being turned around to come face to face with him. He touched the side of her face almost cautiously before he thought better of it and dropped his hand to his side.

“I’m sorry, okay? It’s a fucked up situation,” he muttered under his breath. “I’m not trying to—”

“Exactly,” she cut him off. “You’re not trying Ronnie. And without trying, you’re never going to fucking get anywhere.”

She stepped back from him and then turned on her heels so that she could walk towards the hospital’s doors. Ronnie stayed motionless for several minutes, shocked that she’d brought herself to say something like that to him. He had to admit, he definitely hadn’t been expecting it.

The second Emily walked through the doors of the hospital, all thoughts of Ronnie vanished and all she could think about was Max. Her brother was somewhere in this hospital, laying in a bed hopefully recovering from an overdose she was angry he’d had. He had promised her; promised them all that the last time, he’d been finished.

That had been a lie, so how many other lies had Max told in the last few years since the drugs had supposedly been kicked to the curb for a healthier lifestyle? Emily wasn’t sure she truly wanted the answer to that question.

She walked to the receptionist’s desk and put on a tight-lipped smile as she asked for directions to Max’s room. It took several minutes to convince the woman that she was actually family without her I.D. on her, but finally the woman relented and directed Emily to take the elevator to the sixth floor, Room 637.

Emily was a nervous wreck as she stepped into the elevator, Ronnie not too far behind her now. He slipped into the elevator just as it was closing and turned his eyes in her direction, watching with sorrow as she paced back and forth for the duration of the ride. He could see in those brief moments how important Max was to her, regardless of their differences in the last few months.

“Maybe you should wait outside in the hallway,” she murmured once they emerged from the elevator. “I don’t know how he is and God only knows how he’ll react to seeing you. Especially like this.”

“I want to see him, Em,” Ronnie sighed.

“Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn’t have walked out on your friendship then,” Emily snapped angrily before she thought of how guilty it must have made him feel. “You should wait,” she quietly repeated her sentence before she pushed the door open, walking through and then closing it behind herself before she turned to see that Max was lying in his hospital bed.

His eyes were open; that had to be a good sign, right? Emily hoped so, she thought to herself as she walked over to his bed. His eyes didn’t stray from the ceiling and she froze when she saw the look of self-disappointment and bitterness written across his face instead of the soft, warm, almost childlike face of the brother she’d almost always known.

This was the Max he turned into when he was on drugs. It was the Max she hated and wished she’d never had to encounter.

“Go away, Emily.”

His voice was deadened and she couldn’t help but flinch when she heard the anger directed at her. It was clear that he was upset, but she wasn’t quite sure why he was so mad at her. Yeah, it had been awhile since she’d talked to him but…Surely he understood why, right?

“Max, you’re my brother,” she muttered. “I’m not going anywhere. I fucking drove through the middle of the night to get here and—”

“And now you’re going to walk right out that door and go back to your fucking life in California,” Max cut her off, turning his gaze towards her. “I don’t need you here, Emily, and I sure as fuck don’t want you here.”

She flinched for a second time. His words definitely stung her.

“Don’t talk to me like that,” she whispered as she sat down in the chair next to his bedside. “It’s the drugs. They¬¬—”

“I’m not high right now, Emily. So you can’t blame this on the drugs, and you can’t blame it on me being ‘out of my mind.’ So just fucking leave, okay? I don’t want you here!”

“Why?” She asked him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it despite the fact that he was trying to pull away from her. “Is it because you’re ashamed? You have nothing to be ashamed of, Max. People fall all the fucking time. Relapse…It’s just a blip, okay? You’ll get through it.”

“I almost died, Emily.”

His voice was deadened again as he spoke, this time his eyes meeting hers. “And for the first time in so fucking long, I wasn’t afraid of it. I felt okay with it. I actually didn’t mind dying, and I managed to fuck that up too, so…You’re wrong. I am ashamed, Emily. I’m ashamed that I fucking failed at even this.”

“Would you stop your fucking bitching and grow the fuck up?”

Emily’s eyes widened when she heard Ronnie’s voice. She’d been so concentrated on her conversation with Max that she hadn’t realized the hospital door had opened, but when she looked up, he was standing beside her chair, angry dark eyes cast towards Max as he crossed his arms tightly over his chest.

“You have no right to be here,” Max hissed. “You’re a fucking asshole. You abandoned—”

“Save it for somebody who gives a fuck, Max,” Ronnie cut Max off, shaking his head. “It’s time to fucking grow up and forgive and forget. Yes, I made mistakes…but clearly, you have too. And your first wasn’t this piss poor attempt at suicide, it was disrespecting the one person who’s always, always stood by your fucking side,” Ronnie narrowed his eyes, nodding at Emily. “Fucking apologize to her. Right now, Max. Or I’ll fuck you up worse than the drugs ever could.”

“What business is it of yours?” Max snapped. “And why the hell are you here, anyway? You walked away, Ronnie. You chose to leave our band, our friendship…Emily. You fucking threw it all away so don’t come back and act all high and mighty with me. I might love you like a brother but I’ll be damned if I’m not so pissed I could kick your ass.”

“Try it,” Ronnie challenged. “I’ll just beat your ass worse than you already are.”

“Stop it!” Emily exclaimed, squeezing her eyes shut. “Just…fucking stop it! Ronnie, get the fuck out. Max, grow up! This shit is ten years old, it’s time to put it to fucking rest!”

She was so tired of the fighting; so tired of being pulled in two directions. Emily’s heart wanted her to go to Ronnie; to see if maybe he would ever want to give a relationship with her another chance. The other part of her wanted to stay so far away from him that she’d never see him again, though she knew that part of her was only because of how Max had shit-talked Ronnie for the last ten years every chance he got. Her older brother was her hero; it hurt seeing him be so human right now, but she wanted nothing more than to live up to his expectations.

Maybe, she thought to herself, it was time for her to start making her own expectations out of life. Maybe she needed to stop trying to please Max; to stop trying to push Ronnie away, and maybe…Just maybe, then she could truly, fully move on from everything that had happened.