All the Shades of Her

Legs. The gentle dip of a waist, dimples at the base of an uneven spine. Shoulder blades like broken angel wings. The curve of a neck, tendons firm beneath unblemished skin. A freckle, just below the left ear. Dark hair tied up carelessly. Heavenly in the most unholy sense.

Charis.

I didn’t know she’d stayed the night. Or that she didn’t wear a shirt to bed. She slept with her back to me, on top of the covers. It had to be one of the few times she’d ever seemed at peace to me. I don’t know how long I looked at her, lying like that in the light of early dawn. I thought about all the things that could be. Maybe if I just reached out and touched her, felt the fragile landscape of her hips. Maybe if she wasn’t straight. Maybe if I was better suited to what she wanted.

Suddenly, she turned over, baring the other side of her body to me. Her eyes remained closed, her lips parted slightly. I tried not to look, not to indulge in her naked beauty, but I couldn’t help myself. My eyes wandered from her tranquil face to her full breasts, larger than they appeared when clothed. They traced the flatness of her stomach, down to the thin strip of dark fabric that hid her most vulnerable spot, stretched tight over the bones of her hips. Then her legs, long and thin and smooth and begging to be kissed.

“You’re staring.” My eyes flicked up to her face. Her eyes were open and a smile played on her full lips. Blood rushed to my cheeks, turning them crimson.

“Can you blame me,” I mumbled under my breath, averting my gaze. She laughed softly, turning on to her back and raising her arms above her head, stretching her skin taught over her frame. “You have no shame, do you?” I asked, frustrated. She was so goddamn insensitive.

“Nothing to be ashamed of, girl,” she replied as she settled back into a comfortable position. I sighed. “I don’t mind you checking me out.”

“I wasn’t checking you out!” I snapped angrily. She shrugged.

“Alright, then.” Charis laughed. She sat up, fumbling around the bed for the top she’d been wearing last night. She found it and pulled it over her head.

“Hungover?” I asked, sitting up too. She shrugged, massaging her shoulder.

“I have a mild headache,” she replied. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and pulled my curtains open. Sunlight streamed in, momentarily blinding me. “Do you mind if I smoke?”

“Sure, go ahead.” I replied, crawling over to sit next to her at the window. She opened it and searched for her carton of cigarettes. “Did you mean what you said last night?” I asked quietly. Charis had found her cigarettes and placed one between her lips.

“Huh?” She raised the lighter and ignited the end of the cigarette.

“You said-”

“Honestly, Evan, I can’t really remember much of last night.” She blew smoke towards the open window. “Anyway, I gotta go soon.”

I was astonished. She was impossible. It was always one step forward and two steps back; every time I got a little closer to Charis, she backed even further away. I didn’t want to push but love is exhausting, especially when you’re the only one putting anything in.

“Aren’t you staying for breakfast?” Charis shook her head.

“Reece is taking me downtown to this sweet-ass little café.”

“Reece?” I repeated disbelievingly. “Are you being fucking serious?” Charis nodded and turned to look at me.

“Yeah, why?” I stood up, running a hand through the loose waves of my hair.

“Charis, she left you by yourself at that fucking party. You were wasted, you could’ve choked on your own sick, someone could’ve taken advantage of you. Anything could’ve happened! And where was she? Nowhere to be fucking found, that’s where.” I was pacing angrily. Charis flicked her cigarette out the window and searched for her jeans.

“Look, Evan, Reece wouldn’t have left me by myself if she didn’t think I could handle it. I’m a big girl, you know.”

“If you’re so fucking big then why did you text me, huh?”

Charis hoisted her jeans up to her waist, fiddling with the button. “I wanted to talk about the other night at the lake.”

“What about it?” I asked, folding instantly. She shrugged.

“Just to make sure you’re cool with it.” My heart sank.

“Yeah, I’m cool. Totally. Totally cool.”

“Good, ‘cause I don’t want it to ruin our friendship,” Charis said, now pulling on her jacket and shoving her cigarettes in the pocket. “Where are my shoes?”

“Wow, I never knew you cared so much about the state of our fucking friendship. Never knew it was so sacred to you,” I said sarcastically.

“What the hell are you talking about?” she replied, clearly offended. I stared at her, hands on my waist. How could she be so oblivious to everything?

“Well, first off I do everything for you. And I mean everything. You’re drunk, I come and fix you up. I bring you home, make you food, hold your hair back while you puke up a goddamn lung. You want to go on one of your crazy adventures, I happily oblige. I follow you to the ends of the fucking earth and carry you back. But do you ever acknowledge it? No. You think that your friendship is thanks enough for all the shit I put up with. While you self-destruct I’m here gluing every piece back together. You never think about how I feel, what I want. You never listen to the things I say. You never tell me anything. Like, Reece; where the fuck did she come from? You were too busy stuffing yourself up her fucking asshole to inform me of a) her existence and b) the fact you were going to some party with her. You never work to keep me by your side: I’m not a luxury, I’m a fucking expectation and I’m sick of it.

“But you know what, you go and have your fucking breakfast with your bitch of a best friend and you enjoy it, while I sit here and think about how best to please you next time. Hey, you never know, maybe Reece will be the next lucky girl to take a bite of the forbidden fruit, and let’s fucking hope she doesn’t choke on it the same way I fucking have. Now get out.”

I stood, chest heaving, face flushed. Charis faced me, face blank and calm. I think I looked just as taken aback as she felt. She looked around, checking she had the rest of her things. Then she made her way towards the window, climbing out with a measured expression. As she straddled the frame she looked at me, eyes sombre.

“I hear everything you say.” Then she disappeared, climbing down the drainpipe attached to the wall. I rushed to the window, reaching it just as her feet touched the ground. She looked up at me.

“Fuck you,” I said, forcing back tears. I slammed the window shut and turned around. I stared at the unmade bed we’d shared the night before, where everything had been a thousand times less complicated.

-

The lake was eerily quiet as I stumbled on to the pebbly beach. It seemed dead when Charis wasn’t there. I threw myself down on the smooth stones, the bottle in my hand clinked against their hard surfaces. After spending most of the day crying in bed, I’d stolen a small bottle of vodka from the kitchen. Mom was asleep on the couch with the TV on mute. Reckless.

Now I lay, half-drunk and alone, on the beach by the lake. I contemplated going for a swim, but my better judgement decided drowning wouldn’t solve anything. I couldn’t think about anything but the walking hypocrisy of Charis Daughtry. I was a fool, of course I was. I shouldn’t expect anything more from her, I wanted too much from someone who just wasn’t able to give it all.

But at the same time, I was pissed off. It was classic donkey plus carrot plus string. She was taunting me with herself, pretending I had a chance when I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if she realised that I actually had genuine feelings for her, or if she thought I was chasing her for sexual gratification. Either way, she was fucking me over big time and there was nothing I could do about it.

Straight vodka really wasn’t my thing, but if Charis wanted dangerous then she’d get dangerous. That’s why she found Reece so appealing, anyway. That and the fact she was a portal to whatever else Charis wanted. But on the other hand, the only thing Charis needed to be my friend was support. Maybe I was being selfish, after all.

I wondered where Charis and Reece were at that moment. Talking, kissing, fucking in her bed. I thought about Reece touching her, caressing her skin, finding all the secret places that only I should know. Making her moan, making her scream, making her-

Voices. Familiar voices coming down the path. Not just familiar, Charis’ voice. And that sexy, alto tone that belonged to Reece. I staggered to my feet, lifting the bottle with me. I spanned the pebbles and hurriedly made my way into the trees that lined the edge of the beach, carrying my bottle of vodka. I peered through the branches in front of me.

There. Reece’s long legs strolling across the stones, no hurry, collected. Behind her, Charis, clearly drunk, followed behind. Reece was holding her hand, dragging her along at her tail. She turned and pulled Charis forward, she stumbled and tripped into Reece’s arms.

My breath caught as the distance between their mouths closed. Charis fumbled drunkenly with the button on Reece’s jeans, eventually freeing it and yanking the trousers down. My eyes were fixed and I couldn’t drag them away, couldn’t force myself to move from my position, to run out and stop them. I was frozen. Reece pulled Charis’ top over her head, revealing her beautiful, toned stomach. Further than I’d ever get. Reece was topless too, and their kiss never once broke or faltered as Charis reached round to unclasp Reece’s bra. It fell discarded at their feet. Together they sank to the pebbled ground, arms around each other, lips locked. Hands wandering to darker and more discreet places, places that I would never know.

And in the dark of the night in the trees by the beach, I felt my heart shatter into a hundred million pieces.