The Reckless and the Brave.

Darkness, that was all that there was. Only darkness. Sometimes sounds broke through the barrier, but they were to muffled to make sense of.

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Sounds were clearer now, no not sounds, voices. I heard voices. Voices that were trying to reach me. Unfortunately they didn’t make much sense. I tried to focus and listen to what they voices were trying to tell me, but once again the darkness was too strong and blocked them out again.

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“Alex?” It sounded like nothing more than a whisper but I could still hear it. “Alex can you hear me?” Alex, who is Alex? Am I Alex? Is that voice speaking to me? Alex…. Sounds familiar… Maybe I am Alex. But where am I? What’s going on? I tried to focus on the sounds again. The voice was still talking to me but I ignored it. Instead I focused on a soft beeping sound in the background. It sounded so…. peaceful. Suddenly I felt incredibly tired and I felt myself slipping away again.

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What’s going on? Where am I? Why can’t I move? I tried to lift my hand, but it felt like gravity was trying to suffocate me. I couldn’t move an inch, not even open my eyes or twitch a finger. I tried to speak, scream, anything to let them know I was here. But my lips didn’t move. No matter how hard I tried, I was trapped. Trapped inside my own body. That thought caused me to panic. I put all my effort in forcing myself to move. ‘Just a bit, only a millimeter, that’s enough’. I needed to feel some control, to know I wasn’t going to be like this forever.

Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by a scream. “He moved!” Someone yelled. “Alex… he…. His hand……” Relief washed over me as I let the darkness consume me again.

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“He’s not gonna like it you know.” “I know Rian, but what other choice do we have? What Alex has been doing is dangerous. Not just for himself, but also for us as a band.” “But Zack… how are we gonna do this? There is no way we can get Alex to go. You know Alex, the harder we push him, the harder he’ll fight us.”

“Well…. There is a way…. But I don’t think you’re gonna like it.” “And what’s that?” “We could… give him an ultimatum…” “What? Wait… you mean…? NO! No way! We can’t do that!” “Jack calm down! It’s what best. For everyone.”

My head was killing me. It felt like I got hit by a bus or something. “Could you shut up?” I groaned. “My head is killing me.” Rian, Jack and Zack froze and turned to me. “ALEX!” They all screamed and hurried over to the bed.

Hold on… a bed? What happened to the tour bus? I let my gaze wander across the unfamiliar, strangely clean, white room. Then I noticed the tubes and wires attached to my body. “What the hell happened?” I demanded slowly. “You…. You don’t remember?” Jack asked softly.

Before I could continue questioning them a doctor came in. “Ah Mister Gaskarth, finally awake I see.” He said and turned to my friends “Don’t worry, it’s not unusual he doesn’t remember exactly what happened. I’m sure it will come back in time.” “Yeah, whatever. What the hell is going on here?” I asked. “Where am I?” The doctor check a couple of things before answering. “You’re in the hospital. You made a pretty nasty fall, sprained your ankle and you took quit a blow to the head.”

He wrote down a few things and smiled up at me. “But it looks like you’re doing fine now. We need to keep you here for a few more days just to make sure, but after that you’re free to go. Oh and don’t put too much pressure on that ankle. It’s better know, but you still need to be careful with it.” And with that he left. Leaving me alone with my friends again.

“So..uhm..” Rian stammered. “What do you remember?” I frowned and thought back.

”You’re drinking again? You’ve barely recovered from last night.” Jack chuckled, but there was a hint of worry hidden in his voice. “Fuck off.” I grumbled, taking another swig from the bottle of… whatever in my hand. Jack shrugged, seeing I was in no mood to talk and left the bus.

I was glad to be finally left alone again, but apparently that was too much to ask, because not even a minute later a frowning Matt came in. “Really Alex? Again? What’s going on? It’s been weeks since the last time you were on stage completely sober. Get you act together, sound check is in 10.” He informed me, but didn’t make another comment on my drinking behavior. He too left the bus and after another quick sip I threw the bottle against the closed door both my friends had disappeared through earlier. The bottle smashed into a dozen pieces.

“Fuck you.” I snarled. I sat there for a couple of minutes, just staring off into space. Finally I got up, grabbed my sunglasses and headed outside too, ignoring the crunching sound of the glass underneath my shoes.

I saw a couple of people entering the building, preparing for sound check, but instead of following them inside like I should have I turned to walk the other way. My sight was a bit blurry due to the amount of alcohol in my system, but it was nothing I couldn‘t handle.

I wandered off to the back of the venue and leaned against the wall, half hidden in the shadows. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and check a couple of social media updates. “ALEX!” I jumped slightly, almost dropping my phone. “The fuck dude, sound check was supposed to start 20 minutes ago!” I sighed, annoying they’d found me. I looked up at my band mates with a blank expression on my face. Their expressions varied from annoyed to angry, but all with a hint of worry underneath.

I shrugged, stuffing my phone back in my pocket. “I didn’t feel like it.” “You didn’t feel like it?” Rian said slowly. “What the hell, Lex? What’s going on with you lately?” I shrugged again. “Nothing.” I tried to push passed them, but they wouldn’t let me. “Oh really? You’ve been acting like a complete asshole the past few weeks. You’re hardly ever sober anymore. We’re worried about you… and the band. This is effecting all of us.” “I…” I stuttered and suddenly I just exploded. “Oh fuck off!” I snarled. “There’s nothing wrong with me! You guys are what’s wrong! I’m just having fun. And don’t even fucking start with me on things that effect the band. I am the goddamn fucking band! You guys would be nothing without me!”

Ignoring the shocked expression on their faces I stormed off. Rian and Jack found me, hours later, at some party in a random hotel room, only minutes before the start of the show, piss drunk, but still a lot soberer than I’d been in months.

I shuttered at the memory. A wave of shame washed over me. I couldn’t believe I’d said that to them, my 3 best friends. I don’t know why I did it, guess I was just really dunk and very pissed off. “Alex?” Jack’s voice snapped me back to the present. “Uhm… I remember waking up the day we had a show in Chicago… And bits and pieces of that morning. Everything after lunch is… blank.” I hated lying to them, but I couldn’t admit that I remembered all those awful things I told them that day. “Do you remember anything after that?” Rain asked. I shook my head. “No. So what the hell happened?”

“You… You drank yourself in a coma.” He responded quietly. It felt like time had stopped. All I could hear was Rian’s last word echoing in my mind. “I what!?” I choked out. “You had way too much to drink that night. You collapsed during the show. You’re lucky the ambulance got there in time… if it had been a minute later… well there would have been a pretty good chance you wouldn’t have gotten out of that coma.”

I slowly sank back against the bed. “Alex?” Completely dazed I looked up at Jack’s face. “You need to stop this…. this…. Whatever it is you’re doing. Do you have any idea how much you scared us, we really thought we’d lost you for a second.” He whispered, sounded like he was about to cry. Cry.. Jack never cried… I made Jack cry? I didn’t say anything and just stared at his face.

Slowly I nodded. “Y-You’re right.” I said, my voice shaky. “I’m gonna stop drinking. I promise.” Jack gave me a small smile, but Rian and Zack had a determent look on their face. “We can’t trust you to do that Alex… At least not on your own.” Zack said.

I sat up a little straighter. “What are you saying.” I asked cautiously, not really sure where this conversation was heading. “Look Alex, we just want you to get better.” Rian interrupted quickly. “That’s why we think it’s better if you get some help with this.”

I looked around the room at my friends. “Guys what the hell are you trying to say?” The all looked at me with an uncomfortable expression. Then it downed on me. “NO! No way in hell!” I screamed, trying to get up, but the little tubes and wires attached to my body kept me from moving too much. “I’m not some alcoholic! I just….” My voice faltered, not sure how to continue. “Have been drinking way too much lately and haven’t been sober since the beginning of this tour?” Zack finished for me. I didn’t know how to respond to that, knowing he was right, but I still refused to go to rehab.

“No!” I said again, getting angry. “You can’t make me.” Zack sighed. “Look we really didn’t wanna do this, but you left us no choice.” I frowned. “What are you saying?” “What he is saying,” Rian said. “is that it’s either you go to rehab or you’re not a part of this band anymore.” I could feel my jaw drop. I tried to say something, but couldn’t force any words past my lips.

“Alex please, we’re worried about you.” Rian said softly, like he was talking to a little kid. “We just want you to get better as soon as possible.” I ignored him a scanned the room for Jack. He was a bit in the back, staring at the floor, like he didn’t really wanted to be a part of this discussion. “Jack?” I said softly and he looked up at me. “Please. I’ll stop drinking. I promise. Please don’t do this.” I pleaded with him, knowing that if I could persuade someone to take my side it was him. “Don’t make me leave.” I whispered softly.

Jack hesitantly took a step towards us. “Can I show you something?” He asked. “Just watch it. If after that you still don’t want to go, we won’t force you too.” Rian and Zack opened their mouths to protest, but closed it again when they saw what Jack handed me. On his phone he gave me was a video playing. It took me a second to realize it was one of our shows, the one in Chicago 2 weeks ago.

I watched myself on stage, guitar in hand, with a grin on my face. Suddenly I let go of the guitar, staggered forward and kept myself upright by holding on to the microphone stand. I could hear myself starting to say I was fine, but only seconds after I opened my mouth I collapsed and fell off the stage.

It was almost unreal to see, but I knew that was the reason I was laying here.

With shaking hands I gave Jack his pone back. “Alright.” I whispered, my voice shaky. “I’ll do it.”