Heaven Nor Hell

I couldn’t stop smiling as I walked through the aisles of the local grocery store. Brian and I had been together for a little over a week, and had been near inseparable.

Tonight, we were going to a barbeque at Matt’s house, and I had promised everyone I’d make cupcakes again, so Elizabeth had dropped me off at the grocery store on her way to work. Brian and I planned on spending the day together before going to Matt’s, so he was going to pick me up from the grocery store, and take me back to his house.

I was currently standing in the baking aisle, and sighed as I realized the flour I needed was on the top shelf. I stood on my tip toes, huffing when I realized I still couldn’t reach. All of a sudden, an arm shot up out of nowhere, grabbing the bag I had been reaching for. I squealed as another arm wrapped tight around my waist, blushing as my eyes focused on the familiar monster tattoos that littered my boyfriend’s arm. I turned to look at him, my face twisted into a slight pout, as he grinned down at me.

“I could have reached it,” I glared playfully, my composure breaking as he leaned down to kiss my forehead.

“Sorry baby,” he whispered against my lips, pecking them softly, before standing straight again.

I rushed to gather the rest of the ingredients, and soon we were on our way to Brian’s house. We were fairly quiet on the ride there, and I debated with myself whether to talk to him about something I had been thinking about the past few days. After a few minutes of deliberation, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to ask for his thoughts.

“So I’ve been thinking…” I began, shifting my body so I was slightly facing him in my seat.

“About what baby?” Brian asked, reaching over to take my hand.

“Well…now that Zacky hired me, and I have a steady income, maybe it’s time I got myself a car. I don’t want to have to keep relying on you and Elizabeth to give me rides. It’s not very fair to either of you…”

“You know I don’t mind giving you rides, Lil,” Brian quickly interrupted me, giving me a sidelong glance as he drove.

“I know Bri, but you guys are going into the studio soon, and Elizabeth has work…I can’t rely on you both for rides. I need my own car.”

“Fair enough…but will you at least let me go with you when you get it, so I know you aren’t getting ripped off?” I quickly nodded my head.

“That would be great, because I know nothing about cars.”

“It’s a date!” I giggled as he lifted our intertwined hands to his lips, placing a soft kiss on my knuckles. We sat quietly for a few minutes, listening to the radio, before I heard a song I recognized.

“I love this song!” I squealed, reaching over to turn it up, ignoring Brian’s chuckles as I sang along with Sully Erna.

And I wonder
Day to day
I don’t like you
Anyway.

I don’t need your
Shit today
You’re pathetic
In your own way.

I feel for you…
Better fuckin’ go away.
I will behave…
You better fuckin’ go away.

I’m doing the best I ever did
I’m doing the best that I can
I’m doing the best I ever did…

I fell into a fit of giggles as Brian stared at me with wide eyes.

“The nun cursed!” Brian gasped, whining as I slapped his arm. By the time the song ended, we had pulled into Brian’s driveway. Brian helped me pack the groceries into the kitchen. I started to sort out the ingredients I needed for the cupcakes, while Brian put away the remaining groceries we had bought.

After we had finished putting away the groceries, I began collecting the bowls and other utensils I needed for the cupcakes. Brian had gone upstairs to change his clothes.

I laughed as the sound of Godsmack filled the kitchen. I turned around to find Brian leaning in the doorway of the kitchen, a wide smirk plastered across his face. He pushed himself off the wall, and walked closer to wrap his arms around my waist. Brian placed a kiss on my cheek, distracting me as he sneakily scooped some of the batter out of the bowl, licking it off his finger.

I immediately scolded him, pushing him away. Brian walked to the other side of the counter, and took a seat in one of the bar stools across from me. We were quiet as he watched me work, as he drummed his fingers on the counter in time with the music.

“Have you ever thought of opening up your own cupcake shop?” Brian asked suddenly. I stopped stirring for a second, looking at him in disbelief, before shaking my head.

“No...of course not,” I replied.

“Well why not? I mean, we don’t have a cupcake shop here in Huntington, and you have a business degree!”

“Brian, I just got that job with Zacky! I finally have a steady income. I thought I was being bold thinking about buying a car. I can’t just quit and open a store by myself!”

“People do it all the time!”

“And go bankrupt!”

“You wouldn’t!”

“There’s no guarantee of that!”

“I’ll help you Lil!”

“How are you going to help me when you’re in the studio, or on tour?!”

“I meant financially!” The bowl I had been holding slipped from my hands, as his words registered in my mind. I stood frozen, staring at Brian wide eyed, not believing his words.

I was broken from my trance at the sound of Pinkly’s paws padding along the linoleum floor. I quickly reached down to pick her up, and prevent her from getting into the batter, but I slipped, and fell to the floor. I groaned in pain, hearing Brian shout my name, before he carefully lifted me off the floor, and set me on the counter. I kept my head down, embarrassed, but was forced to look up as Brian gingerly cupped my face with his hands.

“Are you okay?” he whispered, pushing my hair back from my face. I merely nodded my head, wrapping my arms around his waist. The one thing I hated most about my emotions, was that no matter what, they seemed to be linked to my tear ducts. And this time was no different, as tears of embarrassment and fear began to run down my face. But Brian simply held my closer to his chest, placing soft kisses on top of my head.

Eventually, I pulled away, running my hands through my hair, wincing as I realized it was drenched in batter.

“I should take a shower,” I murmured, Brian nodded his head, caressing my face to remove any remaining tears.

“We don’t have to leave for a few more hours…why don’t you take a bath? That’ll help you relax,” Brian suggested. I simply shrugged my shoulders. While a bath sounded heavenly, I didn’t really want to leave Brian’s side. He sighed, kissing my forehead, allowing his lips to linger there, before he tentatively took me into his arms, and carried me to the master bathroom. He set me on the counter, before crouching in front of the large bath, testing the temperature. He then walked out of the bathroom, rummaging around in his room, before he returned with a set of clothes, and speakers.

“Here’s something you can change into after you’re done, instead of changing into your party clothes right away. And a set of speakers if you want to listen to music while you relax.” He set them next to me on the counter, before pressing a soft kiss to my lips.

“Take your time…I’ll be downstairs when you’re finished.” He kissed me one last time, before walking out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

By the time I slipped off my clothes, the bath tub was almost full, so I turned off the faucets. I began scrolling through Brian’s iPod, smiling as I came across Volbeat. I put them on shuffle, setting the speakers back on the counter, before slipping into the bath tub.

After relaxing, and washing the cake batter out of my hair, I stepped out of the tub, and dried myself off. I quickly slipped on the clothes Brian had left for me, and drained the tub.

I quietly walked down the stairs, and into the kitchen, noticing that Brian had cleaned up the batter mess. I didn’t see him on the main level, so I walked into the basement, looking in his music room.

I sighed as I realized he wasn’t there, and went to look somewhere else, but something caught my eye. In the corner of the room sat a large piano. I didn’t know how to play very well, but there was one song I play decently.

I slowly walked to the piano, and lifted the lid. The keys were slightly yellow, showing its age. I played a few chords, testing the tone. I sat on the stool, closing my eyes as I began to play.

How many ways can you break my spirit down again?
And how many times have I peeled my face up off the ground for you?
In case that you’re starting to think you can run my life, I’d think again.
Or cripple my faith when you judge and criticize me, but I’m still standing.

I don’t know if I can say
I’ve lived through everything,
But I’ve walked this earth alone
With bare feet broken in the snow.
And my father said to me
It never seems to be
A simple walk down an icy cold broken road.

Disgraced, and ashamed, afraid to walk the line again.
Controlled for too many years, but never once forgiven for my sins.
And I never thought I’d say
That I’m weaker today than I was yesterday.
But I’ll fight as I always fight with what’s inside of me,
This warrior spirit inside of me.

And time after time
A man who couldn’t be a man.
I’m alone but I’m alive
And been taught to believe what’s mean to be
Will be.

I guess I’ll never know
But I’ve been told
It’s an icy, cold, broken road…

I jumped at the sound of quiet clapping behind me. I slowly turned around to see Brian leaning in the doorway of the studio, a small smile on his face.

“You never told me you played,” he spoke softly, walking further into the room, and sitting next to me.

“I really don’t…that’s the only song I know how to play.”

“Where did you learn it?” he asked, running his hand through my damp hair.

“My father wrote it when I was young. I use to play it all the time to cope with his death. I’m surprised I still know how to play it.”

“Will you play it for me again?” I nodded my head, and he stood up from the bench, resting his hands on my shoulders.

I don’t know if I can say
I’ve lived through everything…