Safe Haven

Sleep issues were never a problem for me. Mattress types, the idea of spending the night at other people’s houses, missing out on the recommended six hours never really bothered me. I could crash just as easily I could wake.

With a fifteen minute nap, I could bounce awake and be alert enough for afternoon classes without a problem after a harsh, long night of studying.

That was until I’d left my secrets in the hands of John O’Callaghan.

Throwing my arm over my eyes, I attempted to fall asleep again, but my mind wouldn’t have any of it.

I stared at the digital numbers on my clock, watching as the minutes flipped by until I heard my bedroom door creep open. Leaning up, I peered through the moonlight room to see a figure that I wasn’t expecting gripping the door knob. “Marlow?”

“What are you doing up, Ryder?” I asked, sitting up straighter, noticing Florence sitting at his feet.

“I had a bad dream.”

Sighing, I stared up at the ceiling, not sure what to do. I didn’t want Ryder around if John decided that he wanted to talk to me – and not knowing how he’d react made my anticipation that much worse. “Mom is probably still up,” I offered.

“She’s sleeping. I just checked.”

Sighing once more, I moved over and flipped the blankets back. “Get in.”

I closed my eyes, listening to the thumps of his sock-clad feet hitting the hardwood as he hurried over. When I didn’t feel the mattress shift under his weight, I opened my eyes to see him standing at the edge of the bed just watching me. “What are you doing?”

“Can Florence sleep in bed with us, too?” he asked meekly.

I stared at him, taking into consideration the innocence of his facial expression. “Fine.”

Within seconds, both monsters were cuddled into my bed, Ryder staring at me from the other set of pillows and Florence curled up in the space between the two of us.

“You should close your eyes, Ry. Don’t you have school in the morning?”

He only shrugged, twisting the corner of his mouth up.

Shaking my head, I actually attempted to catch some shut-eye, but I should have known that it was going to be impossible. John knew, or John would know, and then everything would change again.

Just as I felt the shakiness settling into my bones, Ryder reached over and rested his hand in the mess of my blonde hair.

“Did you have a bad dream, too, Marlow?” he asked when I allowed our eyes to meet.

Clearing my throat, I shook my head. “No. No, I didn’t have a bad dream. Why do you ask?”

He shrugged once again, his dark brown irises flickering over my face. “I don’t know... You look sad, is all.”

“I look sad?”

He nodded. “Mom says it’s okay to be sad sometimes.”

I stared at him, taking in the fair skin that he and I both shared, the way he looked so much like Sebastian had, the way that they both reflected my father’s side of the family. “I know. She used to tell me that all the time too.”

“You look sad all the time,” he commented, twisting a curl of my hair around his finger, just like he did with my mother’s hair when he was comfortable. “You can come to Jordan’s house with me sometimes… He’s really funny, and he has the Wii that we can play when his mom and brother says it's okay…”

“Thanks, Ryder, but I’m sure you and Jordan are probably too busy to hang out with me – a girl,” I offered.

“You’re an okay girl.”

I rolled my eyes in attempt to hide the way they looked glossy, suddenly feeling emotional. “I’ll be okay, Ryder.”

“That’s what Grandma Rosie said before she died.”

“I won’t die.”

“Promise?” he asked, sitting up to stare down at me. With a grim expression playing out on his face, he held out his extended pinky finger.

Hesitantly linking my pinky with his, I curled my finger. “Promise.”

Staring into the dark, I felt my heart beating painfully in my chest. Just by pinky promising a seven year old that I wouldn’t die made the reality that I’d tried killing myself seem all the more real.

Sometimes, when I didn’t want to face anything – which was more than I liked or was willing to admit – I couldn’t even believe that I’d gotten so close to death, only to be pulled back to life within minutes of never seeing, or feeling, or thinking again.

As Ryder curled back under the blankets and his breathing evened out, I felt myself even more awake than I had been before.



I didn’t hear from John the next morning as I expected. In fact, I didn’t hear from him all day, and I’d even called to tell Ray that I wouldn’t be able to make it in in anticipation of him coming over.

But that didn’t happen, and it was obvious that my mother knew something was up. By noon she’d noticed me staring out the windows that overlooked the driveway and by one she noticed the way I jumped every time the phone rang. “Marlow? Do you want to talk to me about something?”

“What- No. Why?”

She only arched an eyebrow at me, knowing that I knew exactly why she’d asked.

“I’m fine.”

She only stared after me a moment longer before getting ready to check on her store.

The truth was, I wasn’t fine. He had to know. There was no way he could miss it, no way around it, and I know for a fact that he read it because John was always the curious type when it came to the people he was close with – or was once close with.

No relief came from him knowing.

In fact, it set me even more on edge, to the point that I felt like I had the start of an ulcer forming in my stomach by the time four o’clock rolled around.

And just as seven ticked by, the telephone rang.

And somehow, as I helped Ryder with his homework and washed dishes, I just knew that the call was for me. Gut instinct hit me hard, knocking all the wind out of me and the glass casserole dish my mother cherished flew out of my hands with it, causing it to shatter on the floor.

As I shakily tried sweeping up all the pieces in a frantic rush, I managed to gather an audience. My mother was staring down at me, phone pressed to her shoulder as concern filled her eyes. Ryder had crawled over the counter to watch me and my father was cautiously investigating the damage done, not wanting to be overly prying.

“What happened?”

“Marlow broke your pan!” Ryder offered, giving her a serious look, waiting to see if she’d ground me.

“I can see that,” she replied, bending down to help me. “Phone call for you. Don’t worry about this, I’ll clean it up.”

I didn’t want her to clean up my mess. I wanted to clean it up. If that meant not having to face John, then, yes, I wanted to take the extra five minutes to prolong the inevitable. She was holding out the telephone though, and everyone had their eyes focused on me and the way I seemed so wound tight.

But it wasn’t John on the phone. In fact, it wasn’t anyone that I expected it to be: it was Jared.

“Marlow? Hey, it’s Jared…”

When I said nothing and didn’t offer any conversation starters, he pressed on. “I’m sorry to bother you, but have you seen John lately? He was supposed to be at band practice today, but he never showed.”

I felt my stomach sink.

“I saw him yesterday,” I admitted. “What do you mean, ‘he never showed’?” I asked as I wandered out of the room to avoid the stares.

“I mean that he didn’t show, Marlow. We’ve been trying to call him, but he’s not answering. We even called his parents, but they haven’t seen him either today,” Jared stated, his voice displaying the concern he felt.

Running my hands through my hair, I found myself hiding out in the bathroom just so I could talk without the fear of someone overhearing my conversation.

I had a few suspicions as to where he might be. “Did you check Ravenrot?”

“Of course. That was one of the first places we searched.”

Pinching my eyes shut, I felt a sudden stab of emotion in my stomach. “Then I don’t know where he would be…” I said, my voice barely coming out as a whisper.

“Marlow-” Jared started, picking up instantly the suspicion that I knew something more than what I was letting on.

“Just give him some time, Jared. I’m sure he’ll come around.” And I was sure that he would. He had a life, a band, a career that demanded his presence. He couldn’t just run away without losing it all, he couldn’t do it just being simply John. But whether he came back to me was debatable.

"What's going on, Marlow? John is gone and you're talking like you know exactly what's going on..."

"It's... complicated Jared. I think I know why John is gone, but I don't exactly know where he is," I admitted. "I'm sorry. I should go."

"Wait, Marlow!"

"I'll call you if he shows up or if he calls, I promise. You'll do the same?"

"What? Yeah. I can do that for you, but should we be worried?" he asked.

I buried my face in my free hand, unsure of what to say. "I don't know Jared. I honestly don't," I stated miserably.