Unravelled

The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening – especially compared to the screams for attention coming out of Brody. “MAMA! I. Wanna. PLAY!”

“One second please, baby. Mama’s on the phone. Jonny? Are you there?”

“How old?”

“3. Turning 4 next month.”

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” Jonny said softly. “I miss you.”

“Yeah,” I whispered. “Tomorrow.” I hung up the phone and immediately started tickling Brody. “Way to ruin Mama’s surprise buddy!” I said as he started to giggle.

“Sorry Mama,” he got out in between adorable little laughs. “I just wanted to play with you!”

“I know,” I said with a grin. “And don’t apologize for stealing my attention. You deserve it. Mama hasn’t been very nice the past few months. We’ll play as much as you want.”

After a seemingly never ending game of hide and seek (which was very impressive considering the size of my apartment) Brody was finally starting to droop a little and I convinced him to go to bed. Once I got him settled and he fell asleep I took a picture of him all cuddled up with his toy elephant. Staring at the picture of my beautiful baby boy I couldn’t help myself – I attached the picture to an e-mail and typed out, “Please don’t hate me. And don’t hate him. Not until you hear the whole story. Don’t give up on us that easy.” I sent it to Jonny, changed into my pajamas and snuggled into Brody.
As I was cuddled up to him all I could think about was that this was how it was supposed to be. Yes, falling asleep with Jonny was nice. It had been comforting and had helped me forget how much I had missed Brody. But, yet, when it came down to it, I knew that after all of it, if I had to choose between Brody and Jonny – Brody was going to be coming first. I fell asleep hoping I wasn’t going to have to make that choice.

I woke up the next morning to somebody playing with my hair. “Mama, your hair got longer since I seen you last.”

“So did yours you goofball,” I replied, giggling. “You also got taller and learned more words and got smarter so I win.”

“Mama, stopppppp,” Brody replied giggling. “It’s not a compet…comp…”

“Competition?”

“Yeah that word! Can we have breakfast now, please? I’m hungry.”

“We sure can! What do you want?”

“PANCAKES AND EGGS AND BACON AND TOAST AND STRAWBERRIES AN-“

“Whoa buddy. Calm down. Let’s just go out. Wanna call Daddy?”

“Yes yes yes!” I picked up my phone and dialed Stefan’s number, handing the phone back to Brody.
“Hi, Daddy. We’re want breakfast. Yes. But I’m hungry nowwww! Okay.” He passed the phone back to me with a smug grin. “He’s on his way. Making a word go longer than it has to always makes him do what I want.”

I couldn’t help but burst out laughing at that statement. My not-even-four-year-old son was smarter than most men I had ever met. How was that even possible? I glanced at my phone and saw that it was already ten o’clock. I also noticed an e-mail and checked to see that it was a response from Jonny. “I’ll be home at 12. Come then.”

I quickly got Brody and myself ready. As soon as Stefan texted we headed out the door and down the street to the closest diner. We ate slowly, actually enjoying our time together for once and before I knew it, it was 11:45. “Are you good with having Brody for the afternoon? Jonny’s back today and we’ve got some talking to do. I should probably head out now actually.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Stefan said, actually with a small smile. “Go sort out your shit. I’ve got this little guy covered.”

I glanced down to see Brody staring – horrified – at Stefan. “You said a swear Daddy,” he whispered.

I started laughing and leaned down to kiss him on the top of the head. “You tell him buddy.
Swearing’s bad. Love you! I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Love you too, Mama!”

I hopped into the first cab I saw. As I got closer to Jonny’s apartment I was getting more and more nervous. I didn’t even know how the hello would go – where was his head at? How open was he actually going to be to listening to me?

I pulled up in front of his building just as my phone beeped. “Just come on up. Door’s unlocked.”
I paid the driver and took a deep breath as I stepped out of the cab. Without thinking I made my way to the door and let myself in. I walked into the living room to see Jonny sitting on the couch staring at me. He looked like shit and I couldn’t help but feel myself tear up. “I’m sorry,” I whispered as he stood up. “But, I think we might have to slow this thing down.”

I felt him smirk as he wrapped his arms around me. “Yeah. Maybe we should just start over completely? So, Brynn. Tell me about yourself.”

“Well, you see, there’s this boy. And I love him so much it hurts. And he loves me. And when it gets down to it – that’s really all there is.”

Jonny let go of me and stepped back, staring into my eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he whispered – and this was what I was not prepared for at all. He was hurt. He wasn’t mad or annoyed or indifferent. He was hurt. And that’s when I knew it was going to be okay.

“I left him behind, Jonny. You think I was proud of that? You think I wanted to brag about that?!”

“From the beginning, Brynn. Please.”

We sat down on the couch and I turned to him. “Okay. Don’t interrupt me. Don’t touch me. I’m going to cry but just let me get through it, okay?”

“Alright.”

“Okay. Well. When I was 14 I met this boy. He was 16 and mysterious and a bad boy and – most importantly – he had alcohol and drugs. I was a lost kid Jonny. I gave you an idea but you don’t know just how bad it was. I drank every day. Pot was nothing to me. I was 15 and experimenting with cocaine for fuck sakes. But Stefan was there. When you’re 14 and you have no mom and a dad who doesn’t give two shits you take what you can get. He told me he loved me. He gave me everything I wanted and all I had to do was have sex with him. I – stupid little girl that I was – convinced myself that that was love, Jonny. I was a mess. I was a party girl out of control but I had Stefan. Always. We were stupid but he was my everything. For five entire years. Then, my dad died. I was so strung out at the funeral that I couldn’t even tell you what I was wearing or who was there. That’s so embarrassing to me, you know? This man who worked his ass off to give me everything I could ever want was dead and I couldn’t even let go of my problems for ONE FUCKING DAY to say good-bye to him. He was a good dad. He just didn’t know how to show me that I was wanted. He worked and he made money and I always came second but I mean, I know somewhere in there he loved me. Then, one month to the day after the funeral I took a pregnancy test. I had been feeling weird for a while but always attributed to my dad’s death. When it came out positive, I panicked. It wasn’t real yet and I could still only think of myself – I couldn’t drink or do drugs if I was pregnant. I sat down with Alana and she was finally able to get through to me. A baby wouldn’t be awful. If nothing else, I get clean and give the baby up for adoption. I told Stefan I was pregnant and he lost it. Completely. He was convinced it wasn’t his and so I had obviously been cheating on him from the very beginning. Why wasn’t it his? His excuse was I didn’t get pregnant once in five whole years so obviously the two of us together couldn’t produce children. Jesus. Isn’t that just the stupidest thing you ever heard?!”

I cut myself off and laid down. I reached my feet out and rested them on Jonny’s lap. Taking a deep breath I started again. “So, he left. Didn’t want anything at all to do with a baby. I had the money left from my dad so I did the smart thing and checked myself into a rehab. Explaining my situation, they took pity on me and helped me to quit everything cold turkey while doing their best to keep the baby okay. By some miracle it actually worked. I stopped drinking, quit the drugs and gave birth to Brody – the only one next to me the whole way was Alana and I’m so unbelievably thankful for her. But, Brody. Oh man. Jonny he was so beautiful. Holding him for the first time was the most insane experience of my life. For the first time ever I understood a mother’s love. I just wanted to put him in a bubble and never let anyone or anything hurt him. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but be angry because I just couldn’t imagine ever leaving him, you know? How could my mother have left me behind? I decided in that moment that no matter what, Brody was mine. I was going to make sure he had the best life I could give him – and I could do it. I had the money and Alana as a support system. All three of us moved into a little apartment and we were making it work beautifully. I – somehow – was a natural mother. I never once complained about being tired or changing all the diapers. I loved every second of it. And then, Brody was a year old. We had a little birthday party and at the end of it there was a knock on the door. There was Stefan, standing at my door holding papers demanding a DNA test. And you know what? I was still fucked in the head. I saw him and everything that had happened just disappeared. Every awful thing he had said disappeared. We rushed the DNA test and within 4 months we were married. He had spent his time away both overdosing and doing a stint in rehab. He told me he was doing better and I was a 21 year old single mother who was still dealing with my own issues. He was my new drug. I needed him. And then all the shit hit the fan. For a solid year and a half it was chaos. Constant screaming, occasional hitting – from both of us, it was far from one sided. When it came to Brody though, he was absolutely incredible. If Brody was in the house, he did not raise his voice or his hand. Ever. So, I blamed myself. I was clearly the problem. If he was capable of loving Brody then there was something wrong with me. I started drinking again and very quickly became the mother I never wanted to be. I couldn’t look at Brody anymore without seeing Stefan. It isn’t that I didn’t love Brody – that was the issue. I was so in love with Brody that I didn’t want to do that to him. I thought he’d be better off with no mother than having a drunk as a mother. I convinced Alana I had to leave. Filed the divorce papers, left full custody of Brody to Stefan, picked up and moved to Chicago. Didn’t look back once. I didn’t tell Stefan where I was going and I was getting a fresh start. I missed my baby like crazy but I justified it by saying that if my mom could leave and stay gone forever, I could too. I could be strong. He didn’t need me anyway. And I was here – drinking, partying, living my life – the life I had been living before Brody,” I paused for a second and finally opened my eyes to look at Jonny. He was staring right at me as I opened my mouth and muttered, “And then I met you.”

“And then what? You decided to leave out one of them most important facts about you? You told me all about how your mom left you and how devastating that was for you. How you could you say all that knowing what you had done?!”

“There’s no explanation, Jonny. I know that isn’t what you want to hear but you didn’t know that version of me. I was awful. I was drunk ALL THE TIME. Brody would reach out for me and I would walk away. I resented him because he had all of Stefan’s love. I couldn’t be a mom to a kid that I could barely fucking look at! But leaving him behind opened my eyes, okay? Not being with him every single day, I realized how much I really loved him. I just thought it was too late. Then there were pictures of us from that charity thing and Stefan found out where I was and I was given another chance! I’m going to use it. Brody’s mine now. He’s moving here. I get him from September to June. Stefan gets him July and August. I’m raising him here. So he’s a part of my life now and he isn’t going anywhere. All that’s left it figuring out where we stand.”

“Can I have some time to think?” he asked softly. “Jesus, Brynn. You’re a MOM! I didn’t sign up for step-dad.”

“I know. I understand. I am definitely not forcing you into this. You just need to know the facts, alright? I can’t have people in his life that aren’t going to love him. He deserves that. So, think. Do your thing. Get back to me,” I said as I stood up. As I headed towards the door I heard, “Brynn, wait.”

I turned to see Jonny looking down at me only a few feet away. “I’m really going to try and process this okay? I’m not promising you anything but I’m really going to try and be understanding.”

“That’s all I’m asking,” I whispered, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek. “Call me when you’re ready.”