I've Abandoned Control

Parking in the corner of the park, I climbed out and jumped onto the hood of my truck. I laid back as I watched the sun set over the buildings downtown. I tried to clear my mind and push the news that she just told me aside but I couldn’t shut my mind off. I wasn’t ready to be a dad. The only father figure I had in my life was a family friend that hung out with my mom when Shannon and I were younger. He still kept in touch, but I never let him reach that permanent status. I’ve heard stories about my dad and what I have heard, I didn’t like. I never planned on having kids or even getting married for that matter. My life was perfect the way it was, it didn’t need anything extra coming into the picture to mess that up.

Snapping me out of my thoughts I heard a text message alert on my phone. I wasn’t checking it, not right now. I left it in the seat for a reason. I know Jana had to be worried about me. I shouldn’t have left her the way I did, but I had to go somewhere before I said or did something I would’ve regretted later. Hearing another text alert, I decided I would check it. There were a few I didn’t care about right this second, and only one from her. Jared, please come home. We need to talk about this. I love you. -J. So I climbed in my truck and made my way back to confront this issue we were both facing.

As I made my way through the doorway of the house, I seen her sitting on the couch staring out the window. She obviously had been crying judging by the redness of her eyes. She started to get up to meet me but I motioned for her to stay where she was. The last time I was standing before her, telling her about the Paige incident, brought back bad memories. Not just of what happened but of her leaving as well. I couldn’t imagine my life without her and I realized that when she left and I didn’t know if she was coming back to me or not.I told myself then, if she came back to me, I would never mess up again.

“Jana, I shouldn’t have walked out like I did. I’m sorry,” I said sitting down between her legs. The sadness that was evident on her face, that I caused, made me angry at myself. She deserved better than that. “Look, I know we haven’t talked about children or marriage before. So I don’t really know what you want to do.” She kept her head down as she scratched the polish off of her nails. “Jared, the only thing I know right now is I need you and your support.” Realizing then what I had to do, I reached up and tilted her head up to look at me. Looking into her eyes, I couldn’t hold the emotion in any longer. I felt the tears building in my eyes. “You know my dad wasn’t around when I was a kid. So I never knew what having a real father felt like. Jana, I love you… more than you know.” With that said I felt the tears fall freely down my face.

“Jared, I love you too. You are my world. I hope you understand that. But I am having this baby. Other options haven’t even crossed my mind.” she said as she looked down at me pushing the hair out of my eyes. I couldn’t believe she would assume I would ask her to give the baby up. Clenching my jaw, I pushed away the anger I felt at her assumption. I sat up on my knees, I needed to see her look at me. “Listen, I would never ask you to do something like that, okay? This….” I said as I touched her stomach, “is me and you. We’ll take it as it comes. I won’t be like my dad Jana, I won’t! I will be there for you and this baby! Do you understand? I love both of you.” As she wrapped both of her arms around my neck I moved up onto the couch and sat her on my lap. Pulling away from her I admired her beauty. Even in her state she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. In that moment, even under the circumstances, I was truly happy.