If Not for You

Steve felt his heart drop to his stomach, his blue eyes glazed over as he stared at the wreckage that was engulfed in a fiery blaze. The feeling of grief washed over him, there was nothing worse than to lose a comrade while in command let alone someone he had grown to care for. He began to relive moments he had shared with Billie, her beautiful smile that was unbelievably contagious to her ability to stay strong even in the face of adversity. It was the night they had spent in the old jazz club dancing and sharing stories that he could not get out of his mind, how he wanted to kiss her that night but he didn’t make a move. Instead he left things open ended with her angry over his hasty judgments.

“Cap where’s Billie she’s not answering,” Tony’s voice spoke in his ear.

“She was- she was in that helicopter,” he answers in a strained voice. So much of him was angry that she made such a sacrifice, he knew she stopped them from shooting at him any longer. He had to leave the roof, make sure the others were okay and within the safety of the jet. By all means if Billie sacrificed her life to save the others he wanted to be sure it was not in vain.

The team regrouped, Joseph grew worried when Captain showed up empty handed without Billie in sight. Then the massive Hulk strode towards the group holding what looked to be a somewhat irritated Billie. Tony saw the pair first and a smile broke on his face. It was when the Hulk stood before them, they saw that was a tinge of green to Billie’s skin, a layer of scales running up her neck speckling over her cheeks. Blood caked her mouth dripping down her chin. Her hair was beyond wild, much of it singed from the explosion. The Hulk towered over everyone else still holding Billie in his arms like little doll.

“Pretty lady,” the green giant spoke patting her head.

“That‘s very sweet but you can put me down now,” Billie says with a sigh. He grunted in displeasure and she gave him a fierce look causing the Hulk to set her down. Her legs wobbled slightly when they had to stand on their own. Captain was quick to be at her side and support Billie’s swaying figure. “Thanks I think I got it now.”

The Hulk began to transform back into Dr. Bruce Banner but a very exposed version of the brilliant man. Tony tossed his fellow scientist a pair of pants and Bruce quickly put them on. He looked to Billie afraid he may have hurt her. With the building closing in on detonation, the team had to quickly get into the jet along with the new passengers. Before they sat to buckle themselves up, Sergeant Joseph Vargas pulled Billie into an embrace even though it hurt him to do so.

“You smell like burnt hair but I don‘t care I fucking missed you,” he says relieved she was okay. Billie’s skin faded back to normal and she pulled away from her friend.

“You good?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Best be fool,” Billie says taking her seat. He sat in the seat next to her and nudged her arm gently to gesture to the other men they had rescued. It was then he introduced the group to her. Jay was excited to show her that one of the privates was a doppelganger of his dentist.

“Who does Plath remind you of?” Jay inquires with a big smile. Billie squinted looking at the man and she gave a nod.

“He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend,” she answers without much thought.

“He looks just like my dorky dentist--wait a second.”

“Hey maybe you can actually make it to Katie and Tom’s wedding this month,” Billie comments changing the subject rather quickly. She never spoke of past relationships nor did many know who she had relationships with.

“Back pedal here, did you date Dr. Marshall B?”

“It was short lived but yes, we done talking about it?”

“Wow, B, this is news, you actually are admitting to dating someone at some point. Why did you two break up? I could have been getting a discount.”

“One your insurance covered your visits, two, we had differing opinions on what kind of person I ought to be,” she states.

“That’s shitty,” Jay comments.

“Yeah I wouldn’t dwell on it, things ended in a civil manner and that was years ago. He‘s still a great dentist.”

“You would remain on good terms with people you’ve broken up with.”

“I just don‘t care enough to remain angry about things not going the way I‘d like them to go,” Billie comments as her eyes drifted to Steve. She brought her gaze back to the ground just as Steve looked up at her. “Honestly how often have you seen me pissed off?”

“Very rare, but I remember a certain time where you got into a heated argument with Mrs. Locke about world war two,” he states.

“Fuck that puta, that hack shouldn‘t be teaching history if she‘s just going to teach some watered down, narrow-minded version of a war that affected millions and millions of people.”

“I love that you were still student of the month and the principal didn’t suspend you for calling her a dumb bitch.”

“Of course he didn’t Principal Novak wasn’t about to suspend me for defending my ancestry as well as his, he offered me a soda and we talked about our family histories, that was the end of that,” Billie says with a hint of a smile. She remembered how great Principal Novak was and how even though he was such a hard ass to everyone she knew he could actually make a joke. It made her sad that he died before senior year graduation. He was a great man with a dark history, a large part of her took a liking to him because he reminded her of the grandfather she had lost in her youth. They were very different in mentality but similar in history. Billie looked up to the men in her family because each was rich with history of bravery and devotion to their respected family. It reminded her of how they would lay claim that they would never want her to be involved with any type of war being that it could leave a person feeling like they could never be whole again. She imagined the disappointment her father would instill within her for going against his wishes. Billie turned to look at Jay. “Please don’t tell anyone we know about this, if my father catches wind of it I---yeah just don’t.”

“Yeah, I get it, I wouldn’t anyways, he’d kill me because you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me.”

“This is true. You should really avoid that because this would have been a total waste of time for me,” she says with a soft smile. He chuckled in return, glad that not only did he and his men escape death but the fact his best friend was okay. The ride back was quiet for the most part, Bruce apologized for any possible harm he caused but Billie just reassured him that all was well. Upon reaching the helicarrier the once prisoners of war were treated at the medical docks for several torture induced injuries such as broken ribs, arms, and what not. Billie was left to clean herself up and rest in her quarters until the time came to go home.

Steve hadn’t even bothered to get out of his Captain America uniform before he sought out Billie. He was angry with her, so much of the emotions revolving around how idiotic she had acted, how he hated that she would sacrifice herself. The emotions had stewed too long on the way back and he would not let them go unnoticed. In this frustration he didn’t bother knocking on her door but instead barged in and slammed the door behind him. Billie looked up from her spot startled with the entrance and she stood to find out just what he had wanted.

“You had no right to do what you did! It was not your call to make and you could have cost us the mission!”

“The mission was to save them and we managed that,” Billie responds.

“You could have gotten yourself killed!” Steve retorts.

“Damn it you were the one that came to my house saying that I had to do this mission that it was more important than anything else that I was doing. Don’t give me this hypocritical bullshit now.”

“I saw that helicopter go down and thought you were dead.”

“Well I’m fine,” she states putting her hands on her hips holding her stance refusing to waver.

“Damn you, why did you do it? You‘ve made it very clear you hate me so why do it?” he questions.

“Because they were going to kill you.”

“You didn’t have to do it, I know you didn’t,” Steve says stepping closer towards her.

“Yes I did,” she argues. He reached up and touched the side of her face then pulled her into a kiss. It threw Billie off guard, and she dropped her defensive stance one hand now resting on Steve’s shoulder. Steve pulled away resting his forehead on hers and looking at her now closed eyes that showed just how full her eyelashes were.

“You have no idea what it was like to see that helicopter go own, thinking that it was you on board.”

A sigh escaped her lips and she looked down opening her eyes then brought her gaze back up to stare into his worried blue eyes. Billie moved her hand up and traced along his jaw line with her fingertips. It was a lot to take in, certainly the last thing she thought would happen when Steve stormed into her room. The most surprise came when she actually felt something when she kissed him. This fact unsettled her greatly and she let her hand go back to her side. Steve was unsure of her actions she had kissed him back, he knew that for certain but now she seemed to be elsewhere. He watched as she attempted to formulate words to say but she’d stop and place her right hand on the curve of her pout.

“I’m not very good with this sort of thing,” Billie finally spoke in an honest manner as she leant against the wall of the room. Steve had taken this as her rejecting his advances and stepped away from her. There was a knock on the door.

“Right well that’s okay, I’ll just go,” he mutters awkwardly as he headed to the door and opened it to reveal Tony. Tony had been looking down at his cellular device when the door opened not really paying attention.

“Hey Billie, I was wondering if you want have a drink and-- was I interrupting something?”

“No, I was just leaving.”

Steve walked past Tony and Tony turned to watch him leave a little curious what had him leaving in such a tizzy. When Steve was gone Billie let out indistinguishable noise that resembled a dying whale and something else. It entertained Tony greatly and he smiled at her wanting to get the scoop on what had just occurred.

“So what happened?” Tony questions.

“You spoke of a drink,” Billie mutters in response.

“That I did, that I did. Follow me and you shall receive.”

Billie didn’t saying anything else and merely followed Tony through the helicarrier. She did not understand herself, how she couldn’t properly speak to someone she thought was lovely. It wasn’t her area of expertise, never was. One of the many downsides of a stubborn personality that does not like to express affection or rather does not know how in a proper light. Her version of affection was little things that made the other person’s life easier not professing a need to be around said person. That was not her and that was the reason she had troubles being in any sort of relationship. This was the first time in a long time that she truly regretted her inability to say the right thing because she actually cared for Steve but her rationality driven brain refused to function. Billie hoped a drink would take the edge off of everything that had happened both on the mission and the kiss she had just shared with Steve Rogers. Her life seemed to only get more complicated and she was trying so dearly to simplify it into a manageable kind of chaos.