Barely Breathing

Hello - Hedley
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Max had come back from his road trip and I found myself speaking a bit more to him. It was going on four weeks since things had ended with Chris, and I still found it hard to sleep at night. I looked through my bags, still unpacked from taking them from Chris’ and found a sweater, two times too big for me with the Canucks logo on it. It wasn’t mine.

He must have accidentally tossed it in when he was grabbing things of mine to give back to me. I pulled it over my head and noticed it still smelled like him, of course that would happen.

“Did you want to eat?” Max asked, leaning against the door frame of my room.

I sighed and sat down on the floor, “No” I said shaking my head, “I’m not hungry anymore”

I think he noticed me upset, which wasn’t anything new these days, so he came in and sat down across from me, “You seemed to be doing better. I actually saw you smile yesterday, did something happen?”

I shrugged, barely noticeable under the huge sweater, “I found his sweater” I said.

“Oh” was all he said. I looked up at him and I could see the pain he was feeling and holding back, giving me a smile as he saw me look. Through all of this, I forgot how much he cared about me, and all I cared about was the pain I was feeling.

“Max, I’m sorry” I told him.

“For what?”

I let out a deep breath, “For taking this all out on you. It takes two, and I was too consumed in how upset I was, I forgot what I did to you. I’m sorry”

He scratched the back of his neck and then gave a small shrug, “I got selfish, and it ended up hurting two people I care about. We’re both at fault I guess”

We both sat there for a few minutes, lost in thought. Suddenly, I did all I could think to do, I reached across and wrapped my arms around his neck. He was surprised, because for a few seconds, he kept his hands down but then I squeezed tighter and I felt his arms wrap around my waist. Suddenly I realized that was all I had been longing for these past few weeks, human contact, a hug, even if it wasn’t Chris.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I sat back and shook my head, “No. And I don’t know how long it will be before I am”

“Do you want to take a drive and talk?”

What did I have to lose at this point?

“Sure” I replied after a moment’s thought.

There was a buzz at the apartment door and Max put up his finger, “One second” he stood up and disappeared. I heard him open the door and let someone in. There wasn’t a lot of conversation, but the door shut again. I decided to stand up and check who it was, assuming he had come and left, but then Max met me in the hallway and gave me a nervous and sad look.

“Who was it?” I asked. I stepped into the living room and Chris stood cautiously close to the door, like he was ready to make a break for it if he had to.

“Chris?” I was confused and I looked over at Max who gave me a shrug, “I’ll be in the other room” he said before he disappeared and shut his bedroom door behind him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

He took a step forward, “I don’t know” he replied.

I took a step back, nervous to be too close to him, “Is there something you need? Did you want your sweater back? You must have noticed it was gone”

He shook his head before I could pull it off, “That isn’t why I’m here”

“Okay”

He was silent again, and I was getting frustrated, “Chris, talk to me. Why are you here?” my voice got a little louder, and more demanding.

“I miss you” he said quickly, “And I shouldn’t, but I do and I couldn’t stand how quiet it was and—“ he stopped abruptly and I felt my heart drop into my stomach.

“Oh” I replied.

He took a couple more steps closer, close enough so I could smell the soap from a recent shower so I took a few steps away and sat down on the couch, “I thought you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me” I said.

He nodded, “I was angry, it was in the heat of the moment. Can you blame me?”
I shook my head, “No”

“I heard you were upset, and miserable and somehow that made me feel upset and miserable when I think it’s exactly what you deserve but there’s still that part of me that can’t stand to see you broken, even though that’s how I felt when I found out what you did. Do you even understand how you made me feel?”

I felt tears brim my eyes and I slowly nodded, “I begged you to forgive me and you wouldn’t” I said quietly, “So I left it alone. I knew what I did, why do you think I felt completely broken?”
“It’s a vicious circle” he replied.

I couldn’t say anymore, I just gently wiped my eyes and took a breath in, “If that’s all you needed to say, you can go now. I can send your sweater with Max”

“Take a walk with me” he said.

I raised an eyebrow and met his eyes, “Why?”

“So we can talk. Figure this out.”

“Why do you want to figure this out?”

“Because I still love you. Despite all of it. Somehow I know how sorry you are. Somehow I’m willing to hear what you have to say, if you’ll hear what I have to say”

I felt like my heart was now going to burst out of my chest and I felt my lips turn into a smile, unconsciously, “Okay. Just let me change quickly”

I nearly ran to my room and changed into a v-neck t-shirt and jeans. I left my hair up in a bun and pulled my black peacoat over top, “Okay” I said reappearing in the living room, “Let’s go”

--

Walking next to him felt nice again, it felt right. It almost seemed surreal. It was quiet between us as we walked through the streets of Vancouver, but there was no awkwardness.

“You look tired” he suddenly said.

I nodded, “I haven’t been sleeping well”

“Me either” he replied.

I sighed, “I don’t want to push this too hard, but are we going somewhere with this or are we just going to—“

“I want to start over” he said, “I want to be able to trust you again”

“Okay” I agreed, “How do we do that?”

“Slowly” he said, “We can spend time together, see if the trust can be built back up. See if we can maybe get back to that relationship we once had”

I liked the idea, because it meant that he was back in my life again. The idea of slow was a scary concept for me, because we have already been together for so long, so I wasn’t sure if I knew how to do that, but I was willing to try, if it meant I could be with him again.

“I’m willing to try going slow, if it means you’re back in my life again”

His lips did curve into a small smile that he tried to hide, but that I noticed.

I stopped, turned to face him and put my hand out, “Hi, I’m Julie, pleasure to meet you”

He narrowed his eyes for a moment, but then caught on, “I’m Chris, pleasure to meet you too. Would you be so kind as to accompany me for a cup of coffee?”

My smile was uncontrollable, and I found myself laughing, “I would love to”