Throw Your Fantasy Away to Fate

Its pouring rain outside as I lay in my new bed. Random bursts of thunder here and there. I wonder how long it'll take for me to get used to all of this. Living with my brother seems like hell. It's barley been a couple days and I'm already dreading it. I don't know the last time I haven't cried myself to bed.
Why wasn't I dead too? Why did I have to live? Questions that will always haunt me.
Since I'm not falling asleep, I decide to get out of bed and wonder around the silent house. I know that my brother and the rest of the guys are asleep- it's too quiet in here.
I step off my bed and slowly tip toe to my front door, opening it up just a crack. All I see is darkness. I think twice about stepping out of my room. The only light is coming from the bright moon, beaming from my window. I hate the darkness. Especially when I'm alone- it hate it.
I take a deep breath and finally walk out of my room. The wooden floor is cold with every step I take as I walk further and further into the dark house. My eyes adjust slightly so I know where I'm walking to. I don't know this house all that much yet, it is pretty big.
For some reason, I walk to Jaime's room. The child in me cries out for my older brother in this dark, rainy night. Even though he was hardly there for me while growing up, I remember the nights he was. I'll never forget them. Even now, with this huge grudge I have against him.
His door is closed and I reach to the cold, silver doorknob to open it. My hand stays on it for some seconds as I contemplate whether I should open it. What am I going to do if I do? What if he wakes up and sees me? Then I'll have to talk to him...
But maybe I want that. Maybe I do want to talk to him. I feel so alone.
So I do it.
I slowly turn the knob and softly push open the door. Anxious, I look straight to Jaime's bed. My heart sinks when I see no one in it.
He isn't home? He isn't home... Of course not...
For some reason, I start to cry. I walk into his room as the tears spill out of my eyes and directly head towards an old picture of what used to be our family. I grab the picture off his wall and sink down to the floor as more tears start to spill out of me.
I know I'm seven teen. I know I shouldn't be acting like this. I'm expected to get over it. I'm expected to be an adult now. I'm surrounded by adults, so I should be acting like one.
But I feel so alone...
I forcefully pull myself up from the floor and drag myself out of his empty room. Where he is, only God knows.
There's no one else I can go to now. No one. I don't know Mike, I don't know Vic, and Tony- I don't know him either.
Then why am I walking outside- to the condo?
He told me that he'd be there when no one else couldn't. He told me that I could talk to him if I needed someone.
And do I need someone. I really, really do.
Right before I walk out the door, I stop myself. I stare down at the picture of my family in my hands and sigh.
It's almost four in the morning.
He doesn't want to talk to some kid. To Jaime's kid sister. I don't want to bother him.
Instead, I walk back to my room and cover myself with the blankets that still contain the warmth they had before I left. I place the picture next to me on the side of my pillow and shut my eyes as the tears keep sliding down. The pain in my heart just won't go away. This loneliness is killing me.
And once again: Why couldn't I be dead? Why did I have to live?
There's no choice but to end it.

"Is she awake?"
"Obviously not, dumb ass. Her eyes are shut."
"Wow. You're so mean to me."
"Well- it's obvious!"
"No need for the dumb ass part!"
I open my eyes and watch Mike and Casey arguing while Mike holds the curtain to Tony's bunk back.
I scrunch my eyebrows together and clear my throat softly, the drowsiness slowly fading away.
"Look I-", Casey starts but then makes eye contact with me. "Oh."
Mike turns his head to me and smiles. "And she's awake! Mornin' sunshine!"
"You both are annoying as hell."
Mike frowns. "Why is everyone so uptight today.", he mumbles and walks away. Casey laughs and helps me out of the bunk.
"Mike is on his period.", he mumbles to me.
I laugh. "Love you, Mike."
He groans as he stares at his phone.
"Where's-"
"Jaime's in the bathroom. Tony- I- I don't know.", he shrugs. "Mike, Jaime, and I are on the bus. That's all."
I nod and turn back to the bunk, grabbing my phone.
Went to go grab you some breakfast! Angie is with me. Be back soon. -Tony
I smile to myself.
"Ay! We're heading out.", Mike yells.
I wave Casey and Mike off as they get out the bus.
I go to the back lounge and lay down on the black leather sofa, staring up at the ceiling.
So this is it? I have Tony back in my life? Everything goes back to normal now?
"Mornin'."
I look up and see Jaime drying his hair with a towel. He's in some shorts and random shirt, looking pretty tired. He lifts my legs up and takes a seat, placing them back down on his lap.
"How'd you sleep?"
"Good. I slept good.", I say with a smile.
"I was keeping an eye on you and Tony... Not gonna lie.", he says and rubs the back of his head. "I was a little paranoid. With you two sleeping in the same bunk and all.."
I prop myself up on my elbows and laugh. "We didn't do anything."
He covers his ears. "This is so weird. You're my sister. This is so weird!"
I move my legs off of his lap so I could sit next to him. "It's a small bunk.", I shrug.
He glares at me. "Gross."
I laugh and stare at my lap, playing with my fingers. "How do you feel about all of this?"
"Gross."
I laugh and nudge him. "Seriously Jaime, how? You're okay with it now?"
He stares at me for a while before letting out a sigh. "I can't do anything about it. I tried- and... It didn't go so well. I'm sorry, Paloma. You already know how sorry I am."
"I know. It's okay.."
"Just- I- you should have told me."
"You would have acted the same exact way, Jaime. We all know that."
"It just pisses me off, you know? I know I wasn't exactly the best brother in the world... So I didn't expect you to open up to me about anything. But Tony? The guy's my best friend..."
I lay my head on his shoulder. "I know. I'm sorry, Jaime."
He rubs my arm. "Don't. Tony is so- so in love with you, P. It's crazy. I want you to be happy. That's all I want. After everything that's happened, I just want you to be happy."
I smile at him. "I am."
He kisses my cheek. "Good."
I lay my head back down on his shoulder. A brother-sister moment? This is all so new to me.
"Just one thing, Paloma."
I look up at him. "Hmm?"
He sighs and looks down. "You're still eight teen. He's still a twenty-six year old guy. People are bound to find out about this- and they're not going to react to it in a nice way. You're still really young and I just want you to know that no matter what people say or do- keep your ground. You and Tony love each other. They don't know what you've been trough- they don't know shit. Just remember that."
I stare at him, thinking. I never thought about that. I never really thought about the people outside of this little group we have. I'm always around them- My brother, his band, the crew, Angie... No one else knows about Tony and I other than... Us. What's going to happen when people find out?
I think back to the day I saw my brother's band play live.
That huge crowd. All those people- all those fans.
My heart starts to race at the thought of what would happen if what Tony and I have unravels to them all.
What will it do to him?
"I'm back!", Jaime and I hear.
"Don't let words get to you, alright? As long as you have us- nothing else matters.", Jaime murmurs and rubs my back.
I nod and give him a smile before he walks to the front lounge.
Even though I shouldn't care what people say or think- its still in the back of my head as I walk up to Tony and give him a kiss.

Since their San Fransisco date was up next, Angie and and I decided to tag along with them. We both decided that it'd be easier to just leave today than last night. With everything that happened after all..
The bus was already pretty packed and Tony wasn't lying when he told me the bunks were small. If it weren't for him being so stubborn, I'd willingly fall asleep on the floor. But I guess I'm to blame for him not being able to leave my side now.
We arrived to San Fran in what seemed a short while. Tony and I caught up on almost everything that happened between that huge gap of our lives we didn't spend together. It was him and I in the back lounge- just talking. While the others were up in front, chatting. Angie and Mike had each other so I wasn't all that worried about how she'd feel on this tour bus with people she hardly knew.
"We don't play until later on.", Tony mumbles as he plays with my hair. I'm laying on his lap, staring up at him.
I nod. "That's good."
"Will you watch us play?"
I nod again. "I'll watch you play. Of course."
A smile appears on his face. "I've missed you so much."
He's told me that so many times I've lost count. Vice versa.
His hands land on my chest, as he runs his fingers over my breast, over my stomach, and onto my inner thighs, where he stops his hand there. My gaze goes from my thigh to his eyes as we make he contact with each other. A light smirk on his lips as he grips my inner thigh tighter, running his hand upward. "I've missed every inch of you..", he whispers.
My heart races at his touch. It's been so long.
I prop myself up on my elbows so I could reach his lips and press them on his. His hand keeps rubbing my inner thigh as I sit on his lap, cupping his face in my hands as we kiss. His thumb rubs against my jeans on the spot where I longed for him to touch for so long and a light moan escapes from lips and into his mouth.
He smiles, "I've missed that sound.."
This time, his whole hand presses against my jeans and I let out a squeaky whimper. "Fuck-", I mumble and quickly stuff my face into his neck.
His other hand rides up into the back of my shirt, unclamping my bra.
I'm so into the moment until I remember that we're not the only ones on this bus. "Tony-", I force myself to say.
"Mmm..", he groans.
I breathe heavily into his neck at his groans but then force myself to pull away. "No- we can't-", I stutter.
He bites his lower lip and sighs. "I'll be right back."
He gently lifts me off his lap and sets me back down on the sofa before walking to the front lounge.
I peek at what's going on and notice everyone start to leave. Jaime looks back into the back lounge and turns back at Tony, a blank face on his. Jaime makes eye contact with me and runs his hands through his hair before exiting the bus. And just like that- we're alone.
Tony walks back to me, a smirk on his face per usual, as he rubs his hands together.
"Now we can."
I laugh. "What the hell did you do?"
He takes a seat next to me, immediately placing his hand back to where it was before. "Told them to get out."
"Uh- for what?", I ask as he gets closer to my face.
"So you and I could spend some time alone. And since there's no other place to be alone with you- I told them to go get breakfast at the nearest fast food place."
Instead if kissing my lips, he aims for my neck.
I giggle. "And they listened?"
"I paid."
I pull away and laugh. "You paid for their breakfast?"
He shrugs. "Except for Jaime's."
"And why not?"
"He told me he didn't want me to pay him to leave me and you alone to have sex."
"Oh god.", I say and look down, my cheeks growing hot. "That's embarrassing."
His hand makes its way to my hips as he kisses my chest and collar bones. "Paloma, it is what it is. I'm the man who loves you and I'm the man who wants to have sex with you right now-"
"Tony..", I groan as he starts to rub his hand against my jeans again.
"I could make you scream so loud right now- scream my name just like you used to.. Remember that..."
"Mhmm..", I mumble as my eyes shut at his touch. Slowly, I start to lay down on the sofa as he makes himself comfortable on top of me.
"Remember how we would have that condo all to ourselves? Even your room... My car... Fuck- my car. That was great..", he mumbles against my skin and I feel his fingers unbutton my jeans. "You would scream my fucking name- no one cared. Just like right now... I'll make you scream.."
I feel his hand go into my jeans and rub against my panties. It's ridiculous how much I'm panting. I've missed him much- yeah, I've missed talking to him and holding him and seeing him- but his touch is something I'll never ever forget. It's different- I haven't had many partners through out my life, but I'm sure that even if I did, his would take the prize. It's like no other. "Tony..", I groan as his fingers start to crawl inside of my underwear. I grab a fistful of his hair as he starts to tease- whimpering out.
"I'll make you scream just like I used to...", is the last thing he says before he slides his finger in me.
"Fuck-", I call out and arch my back at the uncomfortable yet pleasurable feeling.
He groans as he starts to move his finger around me. "God... you're so...", he stuffs his face in my neck and without any warning, picks up his pace.
"Oh my- fuck!", I yell out and pull his hair. I feel his lips kiss behind my ear repeatedly which is only making this feel so much better than it already is.
He gently pushes another finger in me and I can already feel my climax coming. In little over a few seconds, my body shivers under his and just like he wanted- I'm yelling out his name.
Before I could say anything else, he lifts himself up and pulls his shirt off, unbuttoning his jeans.
"Don't stop screaming, baby-", he says quickly before he pulls my legs apart and slowly thrusts into me. He gives me no chance for recovery as he starts to move himself into me. "Fuck- I've missed you so much-", he groans. My eyes roll to the back of my head as he picks up pace, sending me into our own piece of heaven.
Soon, my shirt and bra are scattered on the floor along with the rest of our clothes. The buss being filled with the echoes of our moans.
Wonder how much money he gave them to leave? How ever much it was- made it totally worth it.

~

I've never felt so good.
I feel like one of those guys in a movie where their day is just going right as it should. Happy go lucky music playing in the back ground and birds start to chirp as he walks down the street- those types of guys. I feel like them.
Not only because I got laid with the one girl I've been wanting to get laid by- but because she's finally mine again. All mine. No one else's.
"Baby, you ready?", I ask as I finish up tying my shoes.
I stand up and watch as she brushes through her long, curls, making her way to me. "Mhm."
"Mhm?", I mock and chuckle.
She laughs and looks up at me, placing the brush down on my bunk. "Yes, Tony. I am ready. Do I look like I just had sex with a crazy guy?"
"No.", I say and wrap my arms around her waist, kissing her nose. "Looks like you just had sex with the most greatest and coolest guy ever."
She giggles and stares up at me. "Ding ding ding."
I laugh and hold her hand in mine as we make it out of the bus. We step off and I turn around to lock it before we leave.
"So many buses!", she says and stares down at the row of buses lined up.
"Yep, it's a lot, ain't it?", I say coming up behind her and holding her hand.
She nods and we walk to where some tents are set up. I notice some of the guys there so we approach them.
"Did you dicks have a good breakfast?", I say to Casey and them.
They look up at Paloma and I and laugh. "Oh yeah. Pretty sure you and Paloma did too, huh?"
Paloma shakes her head and laughs. "I'm going to Angie, alright?"
I nod and kiss her cheek before she leaves. I stare as she walks to Angie, her hips moving from side to side. Forever beautiful.
"You're in deep.", I hear Casey say.
"He's always been in deep.", Mike murmurs as he sips on his beer. "When it comes to young Palomita- you bet your ass Tone is in deep. Hella deep too, not just deep. Hella deep."
"Hella deep.", Casey repeats and stares at me with a serious face.
I laugh. "You guys are retards."
"What's gonna happen now? You and young Palomita are together again?"
I nod. "Thankfully, yeah. She has to leave today though.."
Mike nods. "With Angie, yeah."
"Damn. What's up with you guys and young girls? Y'all are men. I'm surrounded by pedos."
I shove him and Mike nudges his arm with his elbow. "Shut up, dick.", I laugh.
He laughs. "I'm kidding, bitch. You already know I'm comfortable with you and Pally. The whole crew is. Giving how you made the first few days of touring hell because of it-"
I laugh and nudge him again.
"But in all seriousness- dude, how's everyone else gonna react to it?"
My laugh fades and I look up at Casey, not really getting what he means. "Huh?"
Mike gives him a confused look.
Casey looks at Mike and me before sighing. "Tony, you do remember that Paloma is only eight-teen, right?"
I nod. "Yeah, duh I remember."
He clears his throat. "Okay... What happens when people find out that a twenty-six year old dude in a band is dating said eight-teen year old? Especially when said eight-teen year old is the bassists sister.."
I stay silent and lick my lips. "Uh..."
"You know people aren't gonna react... Nicely. Or understanding."
I look down at the ground as everything he says sinks in.
"Fuck.", Mike mumbles. "How come we never thought about that? I forgot we had fans for a second there."
"Forgot you had fans that find out almost everything about you guys? Yeah. They're gonna find this out. Not only the fans- but these people-", Casey turns around and motions at the buses and people around us.
I sigh and rub the back of my head. "Fuck.", I say barley above a whisper.
Casey pats my shoulder. "Dude- look, I didn't mean to cause any worry. I just want you to know that no matter what they say, you and Paloma will always love each other. She's more than just an eight-teen year old to you, remember that. She's your world. Just like Malorie is to me."
"But Mal isn't eight-teen..", I say quietly.
Mike nudges me and I look up at him, a hard expression on his face. "So fucking what? Age is just number, she's legal, you love her- case settled. You and Palomita are happy? Fuck the rest."
"Yeah man! You know better than to listen to stupid people bashing on you- fuck the rest. You have your girl finally, that's all that matters. Don't let anyone get to you, man."
I nod and smile up at them. "Yeah- yeah, for sure. I love Paloma, that's not gonna change. Not anytime or for anyone."
"Exactly. You don't owe anyone an explanation. This is your life- what do they know about what you and young Palomita been through?"
I nod. "Right. Guess we'll just see how everything plays out."
"For the best. Like it always does."
I nod and stare at Paloma as her and Angie and some other people talk.
Her fingers run through her hair as the breeze flows it back.
Who cares what people think, I have Paloma. I love her. They don't know shit about us.
Who cares... Right?

~

Tony and I walk hand in hand as he walks me to Angie's car. Jaime, Angie, and Mike tag along next to us. It's a cold, breezy night. Tony placed one of his warm jackets over my shoulders because he saw I was shivering.
It's been a long day. Angie and I mostly stayed inside the tour bus as the boys and the crew had to set up on stage. We weren't in the mood to walk around this time. When it was time for them to play, we made it up to side stage and watched. Seems like the crowds get bigger and bigger each time I watch. After they played, we all relaxed in the bus for a little while. Tony wanted me to meet some of his new friends but I told him maybe some other time...
Maybe when I feel like it's okay to tell people about us.
I didn't tell him that part. Just that I'm tired. He understood.
"Ay!", we hear someone yell.
We turn around and see three guys make their way towards us.
"Hey! Tino! Phil! Elmakias?", Jaime greets happily.
"Yes. It is I.", the bald one says.
"What's up, bros?", Mike says and greets them.
I let go of Tony's hand and make my way to Angie. He turns back to me and gives me a confused look. Before he could say anything, the three guys walk up to him, engaging in conversation.
"Yeah, we're actually just walking my sister to her friends car. They're leaving right now.", Jaime says and motions to Angie and I. Angie and I smile at them and they greet us nicely.
"Didn't know Hime had a sister?", Tino says, smiling.
Tony puts his arm around me and my heart skips a beat. "Yeah! Her name's Paloma. She's also my-"
I pull away from Tony. "We're all close to the band. Like family- well, Jaime is my brother.", I say nervously.
Phil nods. "Nice, nice. Well, it's nice to meet you two!"
"Nice to meet you guys too!", Angie says.
Tony sighs and rubs the back of his head. "Yeah... Well..."
"We should get going guys, they need to get on the road before it gets darker.", Jaime says.
"For sure man! See you guys later!"
They say their goodbyes and we turn around, continuing to walk to the car.
Angie nudges me as I walk next to her. "What happened?"
I shake my head and look down.
We reach her car and I quickly get in the passenger seat, rolling my window down. Tony's the first one to come up at it. Angie says her goodbyes to my brother and Mike.
"Paloma?"
I look up at him and smile. "Tony?"
He chuckles. "What happened back there?", he mumbles.
I shrug. "You were gonna tell them.."
"That you're my girlfriend?"
I sigh.
"That's it, isn't it? What's so bad about telling my friends that you're my girlfriend?"
"Tony... I- I don't think- I'm not comfortable-"
"Not comfortable?"
I sigh again and stare into his eyes. "I'm not ready for them to know about us. I'm not ready to tell everyone- I'm just- not now."
He stares at me blankly before nodding. He reaches in the car and cups my face into his hands. "I understand."
"I realized that you have all these friends and all these fans and I just don't think I'm ready for them to know about us. I'm barley getting used to Jaime knowing.."
He nods and pecks my lips. "It's okay, baby. I know. I agree with you."
"You do?"
He nods. "People aren't as accepting. We'll just have to see how it all works out."
"Right."
"But seriously- when they do find out, who cares what they think. I love you, you love me. That's the end of it. Fuck everyone else."
I smile at his words. "I love you, Tony."
"I love you, too.", he smiles. "Nothing will change that."
"Alright! We all set?!", Jaime says, coming up behind Tony. Tony backs away and nods. "They're all set, Hime."
"Good good-"
Tony shoves Jaime away and comes up close to me again.
"Will you call me?", Tony asks and kisses my hand as he pulls it out of the window.
"I'll call you everyday.", I say and giggle.
"Will you miss me?" He looks up at with a slight smile on his mouth.
"I'll miss you so much."
He lets out a light laugh and I reach out of the car window to kiss him. He holds onto my head and he moves his lips to my ear.
"I want more time with you next time.", he breathes. His warm breath sending chills through me as I bite on his lower lip.
"We'll have time. We'll have so much time.."
He pulls away from me a little and nods. "All day."
"All week."
He laughs and gives me another kiss. "I'll see you soon."
I nod. "I'll see you soon.", I repeat.
"Okayyy-", Jaime groans, "Are we actually ready now?"
Angie sighs. "Is the couple done having their moment?"
Tony pulls away from the car window and I sit back down on the seat.
"Just barley.", Tony says.
"So- you guys know the way? You have enough gas?", Jaime asks.
"Yes and yes! We're fine.", I say.
"Alright.. Call me when you guys get home, okay?"
I nod. "We will."
Tony stuffs his hands into his pockets and sighs. "Be safe. I'll miss you."
Angie starts the car.
"You be safe, mister. I'll miss you too.", I say and put my seatbelt on.
Angie blows Mike a kiss and Jaime and I say our final goodbyes. I roll my window up and wave at Tony as he stares at the moving car, smiling at me.
Once we're far enough away, I look away and stare at my lap.
"It's like there's always something I have to worry about, Angie.", I mumble.
She sighs and rubs my lap, staring onto the road. "Don't worry about anything. If people find out- they find out."
"I hope they don't brain wash him... What if he changes his mind?"
She stops at a red light. "Paloma- you seriously think he'd change his mind about you now? At this point? After everything that's happened between you two? Please."
I sigh and nod. "You're right. I'm just over thinking..."
"As always.", she chuckles before turning on the radio.
I stare at the window and can't help this feeling in the pit of my stomach grow inside inside of me.
I love you", he says. "Nothing will ever change that."
Nothing? Truthfully, nothing?
I pray to God, nothing.