Without You

**2 Months Later **

ASHLEY’S POV

Life hasn’t been any easier even after the cancer. There was so much that was needed to be done for the insurance company for some reason. All the paper work made me totally flustered. I never was good at clerical work. But it’s not all that bad. I mean I probably don’t have to work after all this stuff since I’m secured financially for life but even money is nothing when the people you love aren’t around for you to share it with.

My mother was cremated about two months ago and we spread a portion of her ashes in the sea. I don’t know when she told me about her funeral plans – it was probably before my father died – but I remembered everything she said clearly. She told me that she wanted her ashes to be divided into three. A fraction would be placed in a jar that is to be placed somewhere in the family’s mausoleum, another would be buried in her favorite place in the world and the last portion would be thrown into the ocean so that her ashes could travel all over the world.

My mother was really fond of travelling and since business was doing so well, she got to travel to places far and wide. Of course she didn’t go anywhere exotic but she got to visit the places she’s always dreamed of visiting. I only hope that since a part of her is in the ocean, she’ll be able to reach more places and she’ll be happier than she probably already is.

Part of the will and testament that was left to me by both parents was an apartment down the street from the Lion’s Den. It was a pretty big apartment. I moved all the stuff I needed to my apartment but I hardly ever sleep there since I’m always at the Den. I didn’t like being alone.

As for my emotional state, I’m pretty sane for someone who lost both parents. It’s not like I don’t have any sort of sadness in me. It’s just that I’ve learned from experience that that sadness will only hold you back. I’m sure that if my parents were around, they wouldn’t want me mourning for them until the end of time. They’d push me to do the things that I love just because I deserved it. Thinking about everything I think they’d say only brings tears to my eyes. I can’t even believe that I still have enough tears to cry a river even after two months of pure mourning.

The one other thing that’s been bothering me though is the fact that Brian and I haven’t exactly called it official yet. I mean sure, we kissed but he hasn’t made a move since. Maybe it’s because I’m too busy or that he’s tired of being around me. I don’t really know since we haven’t exactly spoken about it that much yet.

I was just watching Family Guy on TV, since Brian was out, when suddenly the front door to the Lion’s Den opened and shut. I looked to see Ian and Chachi laughing at some joke but they stopped almost immediately as soon as they saw me.

“Hey, how are ya?” Chachi said, giving me a hug.

“I’m okay,” I told her, smiling sheepishly. She nodded and sat beside me.

“Hey Liv, you want something to drink?” Ian asked before disappearing to the kitchen.

“Nooope,” she said, popping the ‘p’ sound.

I smiled at how happy they were together. I couldn’t say I wasn’t jealous of their exclusivity but I think this kind of space could be good for both Brian and me. Or not.

Once Ian came back to the living room, he sat on the sofa chair right beside the couch and looked directly at Chachi. I looked to Chachi and looked back at Ian. It was as if they were communicating through their minds – as if they were cueing each other to do something.

After about 8 milliseconds, one of them spoke up. “So we were sorta wondering…” Ian began.

I tilted my head to the side as I prodded for him to continue but Chachi started talking before he could. “We want you to come down to the studio to boogie in our classes.”

I smirked at their attempt. Everyone’s been asking me to join their classes now that I’m all better but I told them that I didn’t want to just yet. They understood and they all backed down for a while and now here are Chachi and Ian bringing the subject back up again. It’s not that I didn’t want to go. Personally, I’d take every class I could but something was stopping me. I feared the pain that would sear my lungs if I ever worked out too much. Call it drama but I think one traumatic experience can really scar a person for life. They didn’t actually know that that was the reason I told them I wouldn’t attend classes since they never asked but even if they did, I think I’d rather hide my fear instead of face it.

“Um, I—”

“Before you say anything, picture this,” Chachi said, cutting me off, “Students finally getting the chance to meet you again, you being able to make people happy by making yourself happy, aaaand, you getting free donuts because my mom’s here and she’s brining a box of donuts!” She was pretty ecstatic alright – most especially when donuts were involved.

Ian looked scared and hopeful at the same time. I didn’t know how he managed to express that on his face but he was looking into my eyes, trying to tell me that he didn’t want Chachi to get her hopes up. I found myself at a crossroads not knowing which path to take.

“Do I actually have to dance?” I asked both of them.

“No, no, you don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Ian said abruptly. He was looking at Chachi, trying to signal her to renegotiate or place some other offer on the table.

“Right, uh, you can stay for the donuts and just watch if you want,” she said.

Ian looked antsy as he waited for my decision. Chachi, on the other hand, was pretty good at hiding her emotions. I gave a small laugh as I thought about the whole situation. They were so awkward which made me feel awkward and that awkwardness spread throughout the room which means everything felt weird. But as I thought about what my answer should/would be, I realized that being on the actual scene and not dancing would probably be good for me. It’s not like they can force me to dance if I didn’t want to.

“Fine, I’ll go,” I told them and they both lunged at me at the same time and drowned me in a hug.

As soon as I got dressed, we were out of the Den and into Jun’s car. Apparently, he was waiting for us downstairs. He was pretty excited when he found out that I was coming with them. I couldn’t believe how much my presence meant to them. It sorta made me feel bad that all I thought about when I was sick was not wanting to survive. I’m only thankful God gave me another shot at life to start living like tomorrow would never arrive.

When we got to the Movement Lifestyle studio, the front was already jam-packed. I was getting really nervous. Somehow, word got out that I’d been sick and now I’m okay. I received a million tweets a day with people offering their condolences and hoping that I’d be okay. Most of them though keep asking me to release new choreography and start teaching again but I’m not sure I’m ready for that quite yet.

Jun parked the car and we walked to the back entrance of the studio. Chachi’s mom was already inside, waiting with the promised box of donuts. As soon as she saw me, she walked briskly towards me and wrapped me in a warm hug. She’d always been very generous to me and she was probably one of the few people that got to meet my mom. They got along pretty well and they talked to each other frequently. So I guess it’s safe to say that my loss was her loss too.

Once we were done talking about me and how I was feeling, we moved to the studio proper to greet everyone. Boy, was it overwhelming. A lot of gasps were heard as soon as I caught their eyes. Everyone surrounded me and swarmed me with hugs and a few words. It was pretty exhausting but I appreciated the love and support.

“So, uh, Ashley won’t be dancing today but she’ll be watching you us. This is her first class after winning over her cancer so go easy on her,” Ian reminded everyone. I smiled and nodded my thanks and they started the class.

Jun and Chachi danced along with Ian to his new ‘Fall’ choreography. As for me, I was seated with everyone else, minding my own business but I couldn’t stop turning my head to see whose eyes were piercing the back of my head. It was pretty distracting but as soon as I ignored them and concentrated on the choreography, I realized that I sorta wanted to dance along with them.

Everyone hooted as soon as they finished the demo. Ian started teaching everyone the step-by-step choreography. I watched intently from the side so as not to block anyone’s view. Before I knew it, I started to learn along too but I didn’t exactly give in 100% effort. It was half-felt for some reason.

“Looking great,” said a student. I smiled sheepishly at him before turning back to Ian to see what the next step was.

Once we completed the routine, we danced it a few times and Ian called a break. I was about to go over to them to chit-chat but they were all busy.

“Hey, I thought Ian said you weren’t gonna dance today,” the same guy said as he approached. He had a really cheeky smile. His steel blue eyes and disheveled brown hair really got my attention. I didn’t know why I was feeling nervous around him but I think his looks kinda intimidated me a bit.

“Well, I really liked the choreo and I just didn’t want to let this opportunity pass without me taking it,” I smiled.

He nodded and wiped a bead of sweat that formed at the side of his head. I couldn’t help but notice how built he was. I mean he was pretty muscled but not the steroid-addict kind. It was just right.

“I’m Dan by the way,” he said offering his hand for me to shake but as soon as I made contact, he brought my hand to his lips and kissed it like a gentleman should.

I was at a loss for words really. I didn’t know what to do except stare into his handsome face.