Silver Springs

Billie showed up on my doorstep the night that Gunnar had confronted me. He was standing there in the never-ending rain with a bouquet of wilting daisies in his hands and a big bottle of red wine.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“To apologize. To be around, I don’t know,” he muttered.

“How did you find me?” I asked.

“I asked your mother. I heard that you finally called her,” he replied.

He still stood there in the rain; his dark hair was sticking to his face and his dark eyes were sunken in. “I thought you’d quit drinking,” I muttered and gestured towards the bottle.

“Babe.” That was all he said. But it was enough of a plea, enough of a whisper to make an impact. Babe. That’s what he called me. Baby.

“Billie, we have fucked everything up. I can’t let you in,” I whispered.

He said nothing, just stared at me and I found myself moving aside. He hugged me as he made his way through the door.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered and I could smell booze on his breath.

“Come on, Billie. You said you’d quit,” I whispered as he let go of me. He trudged through the small and dim living room and I closed the door. He plopped down on the couch and then stared up at me dejectedly.

“You are the girl,” he murmured softly.

“What?” I asked, I walked to him and stood right above his face. His palms were up as if waiting for me to take hold of him.

“You know the girl that the poets write about. The girl that is so fucking beautiful that she is just… ugly,” he slurred and grabbed my hands, pulled me down till I was in his lap. I pushed him away.

“Billie, stop. You’re drunk,” I said.

But he held on tighter. “Tell me you love me more, Mary Lou.”

“Oh, Billie,” I found myself crying out.

“Just say it. Just say that we were different.”

I stared at him for so long. His dark eyes were red and he wiped tears from his eyes with a shamed look on his face. “Just tell me it was fucking worth it,” he said.

“Billie,” I groaned and pressed my cheek against his.

“I love you and you know that. Why can’t we just be? Just let Lori and Gunnar go and we can be together?”

“It’s not that simple,” I replied.

“Yes, it is.”

“You would leave Gunnar, your best friend, for me? I’m nothing. Nothing,” I whispered.

“I already did.”

“You already did what?”

“Left him. I made that choice when you showed up on my doorstep. Remember? You were crying about Gunn and your hair was dark and it was clinging to your face and I brushed it away and I kissed you and you kissed me back and you let me take off your shirt,” he rambled and then finished with a burp.

“God, Billie,” I whispered and couldn’t help the giggle that came out of my mouth.

“Don’t laugh. I’m being serious,” he stated, but he was smiling too.

Our laughter died off when there was a knock at the door. I stood up. “Billie, does he know I’m here?” I whispered.

Billie studied my terrified face. “If I know, he knows,” he said and got up.

He got up and passed by me. I stayed behind as he reached the door. And there he was. Rain was dripping down Gunnar’s dark face. He looked at Billie and said quietly, “Fuck you.”

“Gunnar,” I yelped.

“You,” he seethed, lifting a finger at me maliciously, “You be quiet. Nothing you say is real.”

Billie murmured, “It’s not what you think. We’re just talking.”

“I bet you two have a lot to talk about,” he said. He still stood outside in the rain, his stance was wobbly. They were both drunk.

“Guys, please stop it,” I whispered anxiously. “Please.”

“She’s mine. I hate her, but she’s fucking mine, you understand that?” Gunnar said and lunged at Billie.

Billie pushed him back and said, “She’s not yours! You had her, you lost her.”

They fell to the ground and I froze. They started throwing punches and I didn’t move, just watched as if it were in slow motion. And then the ridiculousness of it all drove me to plummet in between both of them. Billie’s swinging arm landed right on my mouth and I ignored the blood that gushed out.

“Stop!” I shouted, “Stop!

This caused them both to shakily get up and stare at me. Blood was spraying out of my mouth as I hollered. “Leave me alone!” I yelled, “Just leave me the fuck alone!”

“Mamie,” Gunnar whispered. It was the first time since we’d been together that I saw him again. His face was soft and worried. “Mamie, are you okay?”

“No,” I moaned and wiped at my face. Blood and tears.

“You two don’t get it. You’re not fighting over me, you’re just fighting to fight,” I said, “There’s nothing left.”

They stared at me.

“Get out.”

“Ma-“ Billie started and moved forward, as did Gunnar.

I suddenly bent down and screeched with all of my breath, “GET OUT! GET OOOOOUT!”

When I finally opened my eyes, they were gone.

And that was the moment I knew that I had really lost my mind.