Games Psychos Play

I hadn’t eaten in days. James would come in every once and awhile to see if I was up to it, but i’d just shake my head no, and continue to stare out the window. Finally it was back to Monday and I would have to go to therapy with Dr. Brown, there was no choice in that. James came in with the handcuffs and went on with his normal routine. Dr. Brown was sitting on his brown leather couch holding his yellow lined notebook and pen in his hands, writing rapidly. The room was the same except for the bolted down chairs there was another brown leather couch, identical to the one Dr. Brown was sitting on except this one was a seated for two. I sat down wondering where James would attach the handcuffs too, hoping maybe this time they’d let me sit freely like the others. I was wrong. James unattached the handcuffs from my ankles and on to the bolted down, cold metal coffee table sitting in between Dr. Brown and I. It was fine, I wouldnt hurt Dr. Brown, but who knew what I would do to get of this place. Dr. Brown waved James outside and that he did, taking his post outside of the door. I stared behind him, wondering about his personal life. If he was married, or children, and how could he abandon them for this job, for me.

“James is a hardworking man.” I said still staring after him.

“Mmhm.” I could hear the clicking of Dr. Browns pen, ready to put it to paper.

“You like James?” He asked as if he already knew the answer.

“He’s nice.” I said turning my sight away from him and back to Dr. Brown. He flashed a smile and laughed a little, not believing my whole non-chalant attitude.

“I think you do.” He said.

“There’s a lot of things you think you know, Dr. Brown.” I said scowling.

“Ah there she is. As rude as ever huh?” He said, laughing again. I smiled slightly, ready for the session to be over. Realizing I wasn’t amused he continued,

“Nurse Patricia tells me you haven’t eaten in a few days?” He posed it as a question.

“A little here and there.”

“Did something happen with you and stevie?” He asked.
“Something always happens with me and Stevie” I said feeling my eyes begin to water, but I wouldn’t let them.
“James says you haven’t been sleeping well either. Nightmares?”
“How would James know how I was sleeping?” I said annoyed that he had snitched on me. James only worked mornings through evenings, and someone else would do night shift. As if that was the only time he trusted someone else to take care of me, when I was sleeping.
“Well, every since last weeks visit from stevie, James has been taking most of the night and day shifts.” Said Dr. Brown, lifting his head to see my response. “Very nice, don’t you think?”
“James is a nice guy.” I said, with hardly any emotion in my voice.
“You feel like talking today?” He asked.
“I’m talking now aren’t I?”
“So what happened with stevie?”
“He called me selfish.” I replied rolling my eyes.
“Would you get as mad if I called you selfish?"
“It’s different. Stevies my best friend”
“Would you be as mad if James called you selfish?” He asked. I glared at him for awhile before answering.
“What are you trying to get at Dr. Brown?”
“I’m just asking a question gwen.” He smiled briefly and scribbled something in his pad without looking. “I told you can call me David.”
“Dave?” I said with a smile.
“No. David.” I rolled my eyes and shrugged a little.
“Are you still mad?”
“About?”
“Stevie.”
“No.” I said
“Do you think Stevie is still mad?”
“Of course not. He’s out there, he’s not even thinking about me.” I said nodding my head towards the window
“Hm” said Dr. Brown. “Maybe when stevie calls you selfish, he means how can you say that he doesn’t think about you?” I diverted my attention back to Dr. Brown. “When you hurt, stevie hurts. All these people seem to care about you, stevie, your parents, your siblings, James, and I don’t think you’ve ever even said thank you.” Said Dr. Brown. I could tell when he was saying it, he wasn’t trying to be hurtful, just honest. He was right, I hadn’t said thank you, not even once. I was so busy being angry at everybody, jealous at their freedom. I hadn’t realized these people actually cared about me.
“What about you doc? Do you care?”
“Of course. I think you should focus less on the place or situation your in and more on the people who are trying to help you get out of it.” He said. I hated when Dr. Brown was right. We talked more about how important it is that I keep my health right, and eat well, what he tells my parents when they call three times a week to see how I am, the importance of making effort in the program, and lastly he left me with “I want you to keep a journal. You’ll get 15 minutes everyday, with a pen & a notebook, and of course a guard, and i want you to write at least one person you know cares about you everyday. Hopefully this list will grow, and you’ll see that you’re not the only one whose hurting” I nodded in comprehension. “Anything else you want to say?”
“Is James married?” Dr. Brown looked at me confused for a bit, and then looked down at the table.
“You know? I really don’t know. ” He said as he picked up the phone and called James in. “Why do you ask?”
“I just don’t understand how someone can have such a time consuming.job.” James walked in and attached the handcuffs back to my ankles, he lifted me ever so gently and walked me out the office. We walked a bit and I decided to break the silence between James and I. “You married James?” I asked hoping to get a little insight to his life. A little taken aback at first because it had been the first time I talked to him in days, he replied,

“Well, why do you ask?”

“Well I know I’m incredible on all but, I know a wife wouldn’t be happy with you spending all your time with me. I’m beginning to feel like the other woman.” I laughed a little, but he didn’t.

“I’m doing my job.” He said, poker face still on.

“Well I could do certain kind of job to if you let me.” I said, whispering close to his ear now.

“I see back to you’re back to your old self.” He said pushing me away.

“Is she pretty? Prettier than me?” I continued on with my questioning. He paused for a minute and rolled his eyes.

“And if I said she was?”

“Well then I guess I’d have to step it up a little. Wouldn’t want you leaving me…the job of course” I giggled a little, the whole thing was funny to me. Making James so incredibly uncomfortable.

“Well you don’t have to worry about that.” He said now turningin to my room. “Why so?” I asked sitting down on my bed waiting for James to unattach the handcuffs.

“I’m not married.” He kneeled down to to my ankles and I ruffled his hair a little, pressed my fingers down his neck, pushed my fingers down his back. He grabbed my hand and placed it down, still gentle. He moved up to my hands undoing the handcuffs I laid my head on his shoulders and he grabbed my head and lifted it back up. He moved down to my ankles finally taking off the handcuffs and I rubbed my free hand back through his hair again, back down his neck, down his knealed knee, and them as suddenly as possible he grabbed my hands and snatched them away. He was angry, rough this time.

“Why do you do that?” He said, his voice low but still startling. I sat there stunned not sure what to say. He stared at me for awhile and then finally stood, he walked out and closed the door behind him. I wondered why he was so angry. Me touching James inappropriately wasn’t something surprising, it was apart of our daily routine. He had never snatched away his hands or treated me so roughly. Apart if me was hurt about it, maybe he was tired of my bullshit antics. An hour or so passed and James walks in with a notebook and pen and places it on my desk, he walked back to the door but this time closes it with him still inside, stands and guards the door. I got up and walked to the journal, opened and wrote “1. My Parents”. I stopped and turned around to look at James. He was staring right back at me, body still. I stood up and took a few steps towards him, but I could see his body starting to tense, so I stopped.

“I’m sorry.” His body relaxed, I took a few more steps forward. “I understand that sometimes… Most times I can take it to far.” I said, staring him straight in the eye. “I don’t have many friends, and I sure don’t have many friends here, and I guess…” I said this time looking down at my feet. I was good at this, making people feel sorry for me. “I guess all I really want is a friend.” He stared back at me for awhile and finally he broke his military stance and relaxed.

“I’m not angry. I shouldn’t have…” He paused for a moment, “I’m sorry for hurting you, for getting angry” He said.

“May I ask why… You got angry? I mean, I’ve done worse… haven’t I” I asked taking a few more steps closer. He swallowed hard and bent his eyebrows. We were close, an inch closer and our lips would’ve touched.

“I can’t tell you.” He said. I knodded and sat back down at the desk, picked up the pen, and wrote 2. James.