How The Hell Did You Ever Pick Me?

I looked at all the bouquets that were lying around my room. Kellin’s been leaving bouquets of flowers at the front door. He sent me eleven bouquets of red roses in the past three days. I guess he thinks that I’ll cave in and forgive him, but he’s wrong. Apparently, he misses me just as much as I miss him. But does that mean I’ll take him back? No.

It’s been three days since Kellin and I broke up. Three days since I woke up to Kellin’s dark, messy hair covering his face. Three days since I’ve heard his singing echo throughout the apartment. These three days have been hell. I’m not going to lie.

I’ve been doing a lot of logical thinking these past couple days that have made dealing with the break up a little easier. Our relationship has been a toxic one since Warped started. Our relationship isn’t healthy anymore. Kellin and I are both young; we should be out enjoying life. We shouldn’t be miserable because we’re both too stubborn to see that we’re not meant to be. I’m a huge believer in fate. Everything happens for a reason. Kellin and I started falling apart during the summer because it was meant to happen. Kellin and I love each other, but that doesn’t mean we’re meant for each other. One day we’ll both find that one relationship that will make us both realize why we didn’t work out. One day Kellin will be thankful that I let him go. He will find happiness in some other girl that is not me. Yes, break ups hurt, but it kind of makes me look forward to the future. It makes me wonder who my soul mate truly is.

“Steph?” my mom peaked her head into my bedroom. “Yes?” I looked up from my cell phone. I was reading thru all the hate from fans I’ve been receiving on Twitter. Does it bother me? Not so much. Thankfully, I am stronger than that. “Emmie and Josh are here.” She replied. Today is the day Emmie, Josh, and I are shopping for my “tour clothes”.

“Woah, you should try this one on!” Josh beamed. I grabbed the shirt from him and slung it over my arm along with the rest of the clothes I want to try on. “These will look stunning on you!” Emmie smiled as she placed a few shirts over my arm. A few more articles of clothing were draped over my arm before I decided to try the clothes on.

I looked in the mirror at one of the outfits Emmie put together for me. I smiled at the thought of Mike seeing me in it. I wonder if I could take his breath away. Woah…Kellin and I JUST broke up. Why am I thinking about Mike? I shook Kellin and Mike both out of my head before walking out to present my outfit to Josh and Emmie. I stepped out and both their jaws dropped. “Steph…you look so different. Like, it’s a mature look for you. It’s still your rockeresque style but with a mature flair. You look amazing.” Josh complimented. A wide smile spread across my face. I thought I looked good, but I didn’t think I looked that good. “Thank you for helping me with shopping, Emmie. These outfits you created are amazing.” I smiled. “No problem, Hun. Anything for my bestie.” She giggled.

We shopped at a few more stores before coming across a Victoria’s Secret. Emmie and Josh both smirked at me. My face dropped. What are they up to? They pulled me into the store. “Lingerie is always a good thing to have. Especially when you’ll be touring with four sexy Mexicans.” Josh stated. Emmie darted towards a bra rack. “What size are you, Babe?” she shouted from across the store. I walked over to her awkwardly. “34 D.” I replied. “You’re going to need yoga pants too. Guys drool over that.” Josh laughed while looking thru a pile of them.

I ended up buying five new bras, nine new pairs of underwear, and a pair of yoga pants. Emmie, Josh, and I are now eating dinner at the food court. “Are you feeling any better?” Josh asked. Actually, now that I think about it, I feel a whole lot better. “Yeah, I do.” I smiled at them. Emmie swallowed her food before saying “Retail therapy is the best when you’re going through a break up, because you buy a bunch of new clothes that makes you feel sexy and confident. Feeling sexy and confident is the best thing you can do for yourself.” Trying on all these clothes did make me feel sexy and confident. I can’t wait until I go to the UK so I can actually wear them.

After dropping Josh off, Emmie drove towards my house so she could drop me off. As we pulled into my driveway, Kellin came into view. He’s sitting on the front porch staring down at his feet. “Are you going to be okay?” Emmie asked. I inhaled sharply. “Yeah…I am. Thank you for taking me out today.” I replied. “It’s no problem at all. Text me!” She smiled. I got out and grabbed my bags from the trunk of her car.

As I approached Kellin he lifted his head up to look at me. As soon as he realized it was me he stood up quickly. He shifted nervously on his feet. “Can…we…do you think…we can…maybe…talk?” Kellin stammered. I looked into his eyes. A few months ago they were a stunning blue. Now his eyes look gray and dull. Bags under his eyes reveal that he hasn’t slept much or maybe not at all. “Sure.” I answered. We both took a seat on my porch. “Wow, you did a lot of shopping today.” Kellin pointed out, followed by a clearly fake smile. “Yeah…I guess I needed some new clothes.” I replied. We sat next to each other silently for a couple minutes. “I came over here with so much to say to you and now that you’re actually right beside me, I don’t know how to formulate my thoughts into words.” Kellin sighed. “It’s okay. You can take your time. I have all day.” I responded. It felt like we were sitting there forever until Kellin cleared his throat.

“I fucking hate myself for what I did to you. I can’t believe I actually did that to you. I broke the love of my life’s heart and I can’t take it back. Stephanie, the moment I laid eyes on you at Becca’s party I knew I had to have you. I knew something special could happen between us. I was right. You’re amazing. Dating a guy that tours constantly is hard to do. But you understand that it’s my job and you never once bitched at me for always being gone. You accepted it. You understand that I don’t make that much money. So, you had no problem with paying the bills when I couldn’t. You loved me even though I put you through hell on Warped Tour. You did all this because you truly love me. I came to realize that I don’t deserve you. I never did. You deserve a guy that has time for you. A guy that can bring in enough money so you never have to work again. A guy that would never even dream about being with another woman other than you. But, with that being said, I want you to know something. I don’t want to give you up. I can’t give you up. I’m a fucking selfish asshole, but it’s only because I’m in love with you.” Kellin choked out.

What Kellin said hit me deeply. I didn’t know he felt that way. “Kellin…I’m at a loss for words.” I whispered, just loud enough so he could hear. “Please just take me back, Stephanie. I’m lost without you.” He pleaded. We sat there in silence for a few minutes as I tried to think of what to say.

I sighed. “Kellin, I love you but, our relationship isn’t healthy. We always fight. I’ll admit I was no angel in this relationship either. I think we’d be better off if we aren’t together. I know it’s going to be hard, but we can both move on from this. Kellin, there’s a girl out there that is perfect for you. You may not believe it now, but somewhere down the road you’ll find a beautiful girl that will make you realize why we didn’t work out. I’m sorry, Kellin. I think it’s best if we just move on.” I choked out. I looked over at Kellin to see tears running down his face. “So we’re really over?” he whispered. “Yeah.” I quietly replied. “Do you think we can still be friends? I don’t want to lose you completely.” He asked. “Of course.” I replied. We sat there quietly for a minute or two. “Do you want to go back to the apartment to get the rest of your stuff now?” Kellin asked. I nodded. “Lemme run these bags inside and grab my keys.” I stated. I stood up and went inside.

I followed Kellin all the way back to the apartment. It’s a good thing I have a truck otherwise I wouldn’t know how I would fit all my stuff. I pulled up and parked behind Kellin’s SUV. This is really it. Kellin and I are really over. The fairytale relationship I once had is gone. I sat in my truck for a few seconds before killing the ignition and getting out. I walked up to the front door as Kellin opened the front door for me.

He sat awkwardly on the bed as I folded my seemingly endless amount of clothes and placed them in trash bags. “Do you…want me to help gather up your stuff?” Kellin quietly asked. I shrugged my shoulders. “If you want.” I replied. Kellin started taking my shoes out of the closet and placed them gently on the bed. “I never realized how much clothes you had.” Kellin chuckled. “Me neither.” I replied. After I finally got done with the clothes, I went to the bathroom and started collecting my makeup and hair products. Lastly, I collected random mementos and knickknacks from throughout the apartment. The apartment looked so empty without my little things lying around. It was almost depressing.

Kellin helped me pack down my truck. After everything was packed, I quickly wrote out a nine hundred dollar check to him. That should hold him over until he comes back from the Collide With The Sky Tour. I can’t just leave him with an apartment he can’t afford at the moment. “Here.” I said as I handed the check over to him. He looked at it for a second. “I can’t take your money.” Kellin sighed. “If you want to get technical it’s my parents’ money.” I smirked. “Still. It’s not right.” Kellin replied. “Please, Kellin. Just take the damn money. You and I both know without it you’d be fucked for the next couple months.” I pleaded. Kellin reluctantly took it. “You’re too good to me, Steph.” He responded. I simply nodded. “You have a heart of gold and you’re going to make a guy very happy one day.” He continued. I smiled at Kellin’s words. “Thank you, Kells.” I replied.

We stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. “So, where are you going to live?” Kellin asked. “I’m going to stay with my parents until I get back from tour.” I replied. Kellin narrowed his eyes. “Tour?” he questioned. I looked down. Shit…I forgot he didn’t know about me marching for Pierce The Veil. “Uhhh…yeah. Mike asked me to sell merch for them over in the UK. I leave in about three weeks.” I mumbled. A wave of hurt washed over his face. He chuckled nervously. “Mike has a thing for you…ya know. He better treat you well.” Kellin awkwardly replied. This situation is way too awkward for me. “Well, I better get going.” I responded. I looked into Kellin’s eyes. They were full of hurt. I looked away quickly. I hate seeing Kellin hurt. Kellin pulled me into his arms in a tight embrace. I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Don’t be a stranger.” Kellin mumbled into my hair. “I won’t.” I replied. We pulled apart after a few seconds. I quickly kissed his cheek before saying “Take care of yourself, Kells.” He nodded.

I pulled out and as I looked into the rearview mirror I saw Kellin still standing in the spot I left him. Kellin and I are actually over.