Jeah, Whatever

[Ryan]

I was going to be a father. Me. The guy who barely has it together himself was going to be a dad.

Birth control works, they tell me. I don’t need to worry they said. But 8 out of 100 get pregnant with birth control the doctor said.

I didn’t know what to do. Natalie was not only getting morning sickness every morning (which I could not be there for thanks to swimming) and breaking down everyday, upset at everything that has happened.

My swimming was also suffering. My coach was busting my ass about worlds just seven months away and my times sucked, he didn’t even want me to do the next meet coming up here in Gainesville.

I felt so hopeless.

“Dude, you’re like legit out of it, you have to tell me what’s going on,” Conor said as we dried off in the locker room after a tough practice.

“It’s nothing, Natalie is just having some adjustment issues,” I told him the line I had been telling everyone.

“Dude, tell her to get over it, let’s go out tonight, get some drinks, she’ll love it then,” he suggested.

“Nah, we can’t do that tonight,” I blew him off.

“Stop being a boring couple,” Conor continued.

“Dude, I can’t go out, okay?” I said frustrated, he shrugged me off as I closed my locker door and went outside. I saw Natalie’s car in the parking lot with her leaning on the passenger side. She was out of the house, a new development in the last four days since we found out.

Her hair was washed and down, wavy and flowed to her shoulders. She had on a little summer dress and I could tell she put some make-up on. I looked at her and smiled, she had a glow. I guess that pregnancy glow is real. I made my way over to her and pressed her against the car.

“Hi,” she smiled softly, I pulled her into a loving kiss and said hello to her back.

“And what do I owe this visit?” I asked her, she looked at me and smiled lazily.

“I have a doctor’s appointment today. I figured you might want to come with me, I know we’re not in the ideal situation but today I thought that if we’re in it, we might as well do this right,” she said. I saw her eyes water a little bit and took my thumb to rub them away.

“I would love to, Natalie, please don’t think that you’re alone in this,” I told her. She nodded as I took the keys away from her to drive us to the doctor. I held her hand and asked her about her day, trying to talk and work on communicating with her as that was something she said was sucking about our relationship.

She asked me how I was doing in return, I didn’t dare tell her about how off I’ve been at swimming. This was our first real conversation we had in a while.

We arrived at the doctor and she looked a little nervous. I took her hand and led us into the OBGYN doctor, we waited for only a few moments before we were called back.

“How is everything feeling, Natalie?” Her doctor, Dr. Anderson asked her.

“Okay, I’ve been doing all that you told me to a few days ago. My mood is pretty down but today I felt a little better,” she explained. Her doctor nodded and took notes.

“Well today, I just wanted to check you out down there, see if everythings looking healthy and see what we can do about your mood. Would you want to talk to someone about it?” She asked. I looked at Natalie, pained that she felt the way she did.

“No, I don’t want to talk to anyone,” she said evenly, too prideful to admit she may need help.

“And this is the father?” The doctor addressed me, Natalie nodded.

The doctor smiled at me and began checking Natalie out. I sat next to Natalie and held her hand, she looked at me and I saw her distressed face.

“I love you, okay, Ryan?” She said to me. I nodded.

“I love you too, Natalie,” I smiled, kissing her head. I was trying to be sweet lately, knowing she could probably use it.

“Alright, you’re looking great down there, and you two know, sex is perfectly fine to have, I know some new couples get a little concerned but there’s no reason,” she said. I looked at Natalie, she didn’t look concerned but rather upset as us having sex is what got us here.

“Natalie, keep taking those vitamins and eating the power foods we discussed, you’re looking really healthy so I think we’ll be fine and remember, exercise right now is good, keep doing your runs, swimming is great for you, yoga, the works,” she smiled.

Natalie just kept nodding.

“And dad, mom is going to be a little moody, deal with it, encourage her and thank her for carrying your child, it’s a hard time to have something growing inside of you,” she directed her attention towards me and said.

“Yeah, definitely,” I promised before I helped Natalie up and out of the room. Natalie thanked the doctor once more before we left. I drove us her house and she led us inside.

“So, should we talk more about this?” I asked her. Natalie sat down with a cup of tea, handing me a Gatorade as we sat at the counter.

“We’ve only been together seven months, Ry, but I don’t know, what’s the right thing? Is there even a right thing anymore?” She asked. I just sat there.

I had been wondering the same thing too.

“Well your parents would want us to be married. My dad is whatever and my mom wouldn’t like the idea of us not being married but wouldn’t be against where we are now,” I spoke up. Natalie sipped her tea and rested her head in her hands.

“Andrea said that we should get married, before I show especially,” she told me. Her sister being here with her best friend over the last weekend really helped the situation.

I also talked with Andrea on the side as she shared what she thought we should do.

“If we got married now though, everyone would know why, would it even matter?” I asked.

“Well I’d tell my parents, I guess,” she shrugged, neither of us knew what we were doing.

“We could tell my mom too,” I said, I paused for a moment, “so are we doing this, are we getting married?” I asked. Natalie was quiet for a few minutes.

“I can’t make this decision,” she said, standing up. I was confused. I pulled her into me.

“Natalie, I know this is not what we wanted, and this is not at all the way you deserve a proposal to marriage. I wish I could fix all of this. But like you said, we have to make the best of it and if we’re married, this kid is going to have a life it deserves,” I reasoned.

“But if we get divorced, this kid could be messed up,” she looked down. We truly were not ready for this.

“And if we don’t, it could be too,” I spoke up, feeling ridiculous that I was defending getting married. I wasn’t ready to be a husband either.

“So, we’re doing this?” She looked at me for answers. I stood, trying to not make this engagement suck more than it was already going to suck.

“Natalie Jayne Crenshaw, will you marry me?” I asked, looking her in the eyes. I didn’t get down on one knee, I didn’t have a ring. This was seriously the worst proposal ever. I saw her begin to laugh and move her ruby ring to her left hand.

“This is crazy but yes,” she giggled. I kissed her softly and decided to take her to Tiffany’s right away to buy an engagement ring.

She sat in the passenger seat, laughing at how badly I sucked.

“Oh that couldn’t be any worse,” she said. I rolled my eyes.

“You know I suck at romance,” I told her. She laughed more.

If she was laughing, I was okay. Even if it was at my expense.

We got to Tiffany’s and I bought her any ring she wanted. She chose a three-carat round cut diamond with a silver band.

“Simple, elegant,” she said as I slipped it on her left hand, it was the least I could do.

It suddenly hit me more that I was going to be getting married, and I was getting married soon.

“We should probably tell the family,” I said. She sighed and leaned on to me as I led us back to the car. She took her ruby ring and put it on her necklace she wore.

“I guess that means a trip to Orlando,” she said, not being a fan of having to go down there. I knew my family gave her a hard time.

I also didn’t really want to go down there either but it was the right thing.

I stayed the night with Natalie for the first time since we found out she was pregnant, we laid there for hours, talking about everything she wanted to and talked about and about the fact that this wedding was going to be put to rush, what our colors would be and who would be there. We had to figure out who to tell as well. Did we want this to be a big thing?

I was overwhelmed by everything being thrown my way. In fact, I fell asleep during our conversation out of being overwhelmed and because thinking of all this exhausted me.

I just wanted to escape this situation.

We woke up early the next morning, Natalie was doing emails on her ipad all morning as I got our things together and drove us to Orlando to meet my mother for brunch. We decided we just wanted to tell her without my entire family around to be easier on Natalie.

As I drove, I thought about what this might do to my family. My sisters would be pissed for sure, my brothers would probably be shocked, Devon especially. And my mom, well she would have mixed feelings for sure and she would also probably cry.

My mind also told me that I didn’t have to do this.

We got to my mom’s house for brunch and Natalie finally finished all her emails and phone calls as we pulled in, she put her ipad in her purse and sighed.

“It’s going to be fine,” I promised her. She nodded and followed me out of the car and into the house.

“Oh Ryan, and Natalie, it’s so good to see you guys!” My mom was excited that we had finally made our way to visit together. She was really trying after we had our confrontation last month.

“It’s great to see you too,” Natalie smiled, handing her our freshly squeezed orange juice.

“I made mimosa’s, would you guys like one? I can make more with this juice,” she asked, Natalie respectfully declined and I took one so my mom wouldn’t feel offended.

“Well everything’s set out on the back deck, Natalie, can you put these scones out there, Ryan, I need your help,” my mom handed Natalie the scones and pulled me into the kitchen.

“You look tired,” she said to me once Natalie closed the door.

“Nah, just swim,” I blew off, my mom gave me that motherly look.

“Ryan, if this girl is wearing you down, you don’t have to stay with her just because she moved to Florida,” she said, handing me the waffles to take outside.

“Mom, seriously, we just got here,” I said, frustrated as we walked outside. Natalie was sitting in a chair, idly looking at the backyard, I kissed her forehead and sat down next to her.

“So, how are things?” My mom asked us. Natalie looked to me and I cleared my throat.

“Well, we have some news,” I said, my mom nodded, encouraging me to go on.

“So we decided that we are going to be getting married, like in the next few months,” I said. My mom dropped the plate of waffles and the plate shattered to the floor. She allowed a swear word to leave her mouth and she looked at us.

“You haven’t been with each other long enough, Ryan, you can’t be serious,” she said, utterly stunned.

“We are aware of that, and we are serious because mom, you see, sometimes, well, things kind of happen you know, and the right thing to do is get married,” I was fumbling over my words. My mother studied Natalie who looked afraid and wouldn’t look her in the eye.

“Natalie, are you pregnant?” My mother asked her softly. Natalie looked up to her, I saw the hurt even more clearly in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, standing up to walk out.

“Now wait, Natalie,” my mother stood to stop her, I stood as well, not really sure what to do.

“No, I know your family doesn’t like me, I-we, this is all wrong, I’m just sorry, I have hurt you, hurt your son and it’s not right,” Natalie looked at my mom, opening herself to be vulnerable. My mom looked to Natalie hurting as well.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry my family has failed at being welcoming to you, we have closed ourselves off from knowing you off simple judgement, please don’t feel bad, this isn’t a situation we can really get out of now is it?” My mom pulled Natalie into a nurturing hug, I felt a little better about things now as we all sat down.

“No, I can’t. And we thought it through. We think marriage is the best option,” Natalie said.

“I think so too. And oh my gosh, I just saw the diamond, Ryan, that is a rock,” she took Natalie’s hand and observed the ring we just got yesterday. I could tell my mother was pleased.

“But back to it, I’m assuming Natalie that you’d like to get married before you start showing and I’m sure you need to tell your family and we should all probably meet,” my mom kept going. I saw Natalie relax for the first time around my family, making me feel much better about us being here.

As the two talked about location and dates, I excused myself to the bathroom. My breathing was getting heavy and I felt like the walls of life were caving in on me. I splashed some water on my face. It didn’t help. I was just only ready for a serious relationship a few months ago, and I still sucked at that as everyone and their mother could tell. And now I was about to be a husband and a father all at the same time. I loved Natalie, I loved her as much as I could love anyone, but what if that wasn’t enough? And what about my job? I couldn’t raise a child and swim at the same time. I didn’t want that life for a child.

I tried to pull it together for the sake of Natalie. She had to carry this much deeper than I did. I looked at myself in the mirror, I could do this.

I went back outside and saw my mother and Natalie browsing at different ideas on weddings and colors. I tried to remain calm.

“I would love to add blue in the mix, for water like a pool and it would really bring out Ryan’s eyes,” Natalie said, I sat next to her and put a smile on.

“I want whatever you want, Nat,” I said. She smiled and squeezed my leg.

“It’s going to be an April wedding at the latest so you could get really springy with it,” my mother said.

“Yes, and Andrea and Kate are my bridesmaid and maid of honor, they would look stunning in a pastel pink dress with blue accents,” Natalie explained. I tried to zone out a little as they kept talking.

After while, we finally got up to leave for home. I drove us there. Natalie didn’t say very much, but I knew she was looking at me.

“Ryan, we don’t have to do this,” she said abruptly, I looked over at her.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I can see it in your eyes, you’re freaking out, if you don’t want to do this, if the 24 hour hype of the idea marriage has gone away, we can cancel this plan, it’s not set in concrete, no one knows but your mother, I’m giving you an out,” she told me. I grabbed her hand.

“Natalie, I am freaking out a little, but the hype hasn’t gone, it’s just becoming a little more real, we’re doing this, it’s the right thing,” I said to her, not sharing completely how I felt but wanting to be honest.

I drove us down the road, not thinking more about being married, just having Natalie next to me, finally happy and really, that’s what mattered to me the most.