Jeah, Whatever

[Ryan: One month later]

Telling Natalie’s parents was the hardest thing I have ever possibly had to endure in my entire life. Her father was outraged, her mother shrieked and began to sob. They feared that everyone would be aware that this was a “baby marriage” because of the months to come. They wanted to work something out where no one would find out for a while but Natalie refused to keep the child a secret after it was born.

Nonetheless, her parents were demanding a wedding or the child would not be a part of their family, I could have killed them right there for saying that. They also had many demands about the wedding, and when the Crenshaw’s met the Lochte’s...things were not pretty.

Natalie stormed out of my house as our parents seemed to have been in a war of who could insult who the most and get under each others skin the most. Andrea sipped her water quietly, afraid to enter in, my sister’s of course had plenty to say. Devon also had the hots for Andrea.

Our mothers would not agree on what type of wedding it should be either. Natalie’s mom wanted a southern, conservative wedding while my mom argued we do something “creative and earthly.” Natalie hated both ideas and I personally only wanted what Natalie wanted.

I was very hands off, I didn’t really have much to say about the wedding because Natalie’s happiness and safety is all I cared about. I didn’t think much yet about the child except with the fear of me being a bad father. And the idea of being married was still freaking me out. I think it was freaking Natalie out as well but she was much better about being brave then I was.

“Ryan, please don’t forget we go into the doctor today at nine, it’s my eight week check up,” Natalie said when I was getting up for swim.

“Baby, it’s 5:30, please go back to sleep,” I said, kissing her on the forehead, she pulled me down and kissed me roughly on the lips.

Now that everything was more accepted, our sex life was getting back to normal.

“I love you, Ry,” she pulled away, smiling sleepily.

“I love you too, Nat,” I smiled as well as I went to get ready.

And it was true. In the midst of my fears and not wanting to be in the place I am in, I did love Natalie, with all I could.

At the pool, I pushed it as hard as I could. I didn’t think, I just dove in the water and gave it my all. We were having a meet here in Gainesville in two weeks and I was doing everything I could to prove to the coach that I was still serious about training and still serious about the sport that I loved.

It also helped that I was having sex again.

“Lochte, you’re finally looking good, but you can always look better, like what I see,” my coach told me as I came up breathing for air, I looked at the clock after I finished my 200 back, I had done one of my best times since London.

“Dude, you were killin it,” Conor came over to my lane and gave me a high five.

“Yeah, I guess I’m back or whatever,” I shrugged as we hopped out of the pool, I looked at the time and realized I was going to be late if I showered.

“You want to grab breakfast?” He asked.

“I would but I’m already late, I gotta meet Natalie,” I explained. Conor rolled his eyes.

“Right, engaged life, freaky,” he shook his head. I quickly changed into jeans and a v-neck and playfully punched Conor before I walked out of the pool, going to meet Natalie.

“Ryan!” I heard my brother shout back at me as I reached my car, he ran to meet me and gave me a brotherly hug.

“I just want you to know, I look up to you for being a man about all this,” he said embarrassed. We never gave bro talk like this. I gave him another hug before I sped off to the doctor.

I got to the parking lot on time to see Natalie pull in. She was only two months pregnant so she didn’t look much different. Her skin definitely had a gentle touch. Her hair was in a ponytail and she wore a flowy top and jeans. I took her hand and led her into the office.

“Hello, Ryan and Natalie,” Dr. Anderson smiled as she came in, this was only our second visit with her formally but she and Natalie had been meeting about dietary habits and a workout plan at the apartment.

“How have you been feeling, Natalie?” She asked after we greeted one another.

“I feel pretty good lately, a little glum this last week though, but much more affectionate with Ryan,” she smiled, I grinned a little too.

Yeah, she’d been pretty attached to me, I didn’t mind it at all.

“Well that’s great, today what do you guys think about hearing a heartbeat on this little guy?” She asked, putting on gloves and getting her machine ready.

I thought about hearing the baby’s heartbeat and started to smile, I would not only see but hear the thing that Natalie and I had created together.

The doctor put the ultrasound thing to Natalie’s stomach and began clicking around. We waited to hear a heartbeat but heard nothing yet.

“Is everything okay?” Natalie asked, I took her hand in mine. The doctor searched the screen.

“Natalie, have you experienced any cramping or bleeding?” Dr. Anderson asked her. Natalie began to breathe a little harder.

“No, what’s wrong, Dr. Anderson, what is it?” She asked.

“I want to take a blood sample, check your hCG levels,” the doctor smiled and got a needle to draw some blood. She left us, telling us she would rush the labs and Natalie looked at me concerned.

“Ryan, what if I messed something up?” She asked me. I squeezed her hand.

“Natalie, you didn’t, baby, it’s all going to be okay,” I promised. But I didn’t know that.

Even if I haven’t been stoked about the idea of being a father, I didn’t want to believe that anything could be wrong with the baby. We may have not planned for it, but we never thought about the idea of losing it.

It felt like hours but soon Dr. Anderson had come back to the room and softly shut the door.

“Natalie, Ryan, I’m so sorry,” she said, I thought the doctor was about to cry, Natalie looked at her, I couldn’t read her face.

“What happened?” I asked. I knew what happened but I needed the doctor to explain.

“Natalie, your hCG levels are normal for a woman who is not pregnant, I can see the sac of your child on the monitor because you have not passed the contents of the womb, this is what we classify as a spontaneous miscarriage, you’re young, healthy, and show no signs of not being able to have children,” she explained. I saw Natalie beginning to tear up.

“So what do I do?” Natalie asked evenly.

“For now, we have two options, I can surgically go in and remove the content or you can wait for it to pass. I will want you to do some therapy, both of you, and I’m going to prescribe you some medicine,” the doctor told us. I just stared at Natalie to see her response. She took a deep breath, controlling herself.

“I don’t need to talk to anyone, what happened, happened, thank you for working with me, Dr. Anderson,” she stood up, ready to leave.

“Natalie, it isn’t an option, I want you both to talk to a therapist,” she said to both of us very seriously, handing me Natalie’s prescription sheet and referrals for the both of us. Natalie looked to me.

“I think we need to, Nat,” I said, pulling her into my arms.

“And I want it out,” She said into my chest, I looked to the doctor who heard her.

“Come in and see me in two days, we will take care of it, for now, get some rest, take the medication and please call Dr. Williams, great doctor for this stuff,” the doctor looked at us with hurt eyes, knowing that this wasn’t easy as we walked out of the doctors office. I put Natalie in my car and pulled out my phone, trying to not think about myself.

“Devon, come by Natalie’s in twenty with Conor, I need you guys to pick up her car from her doctor’s office,” I said in the phone. Devon asked if everything was okay but I just hung up. Natalie rested her head against the window as I drove us to the pharmacy to pick up the medicine and then took us to her place.

I opened her door and helped her into the apartment. She seemed numb to everything that was going on. She took the pills and said she was going to bed. I watched her make her way upstairs and saw my brother pull up with Conor. I went outside and threw my fist into the door of my car, denting it a little.

“Whoa! First, that is a very expensive car and two, you’re a fucking swimmer, control yourself!” Conor snapped.

“It’s done,” I said simply. They both looked at me confused.

“Natalie had a miscarriage, they couldn’t find a heartbeat,” I told them. Devon looked down at the ground and Conor looked like he was about to explode.

“Natalie was pregnant?! What the hell dude why didn’t you tell me?!” He shouted.

“I couldn’t say anything, Conor, we only wanted family to know!” I snapped at him. Devon pulled me into a hug.

“What can we do?” He asked, not letting go.

“I just need someone to pick up Natalie’s car from the doctor and I need someone to tell coach I need the week off, I don’t really care what he wants from me or the punishment, I just need off,” I said. Devon took Natalie’s keys and the address to the doctor office and went to do what I asked. He said he would also talk to the coach for me. Conor also gave me a hug, not sure what to do before they drove off together.

I sat on the steps for a few moments. Why was I feeling so angry and upset? Shouldn’t I feel relief that all my fears were now gone? I didn’t have to be a father yet and I didn’t really have to be a husband either. Or would we still get married? Would it be wrong not to be married for a while?

I called the therapist Natalie’s doctor demanded we see and scheduled us both appointments before going inside to check on Natalie. Going upstairs, I saw that she was clutching onto a pillow tightly as she was fast asleep. I got in the bed beside her and clung on to her. I didn’t know what she was feeling, I had zero idea. My phone went off but I just turned it off. Whoever needed me could wait.

Natalie woke up an hour after she fell asleep and turned to face me.

“How are you?” I asked, she just wrapped her arms around my neck. I pulled her into me.

“Ryan, I don’t know how to feel honestly. I feel like a weight has lifted then I feel guilt about it and then really sad that our baby is just, gone,” she spoke to me softly. I kissed her shoulder, knowing exactly how she felt.

Everything was so complicated.

“And then there’s this whole engagement, what does that even mean?” She asked.

“We don’t have to worry about that right now, Nat, it’s the least important thing,” I rubbed her back as we laid there together.

We didn’t do any talking, we didn’t need to. We both knew how the other was feeling and no words could fix it. We just sat there, holding one another, as we fell asleep.

As two days passed, neither of us went to work or answered our phones, we just stayed in bed together, eating when we needed and the other essentials. I drove Natalie to the doctor for the day of her surgery. As she went back, I went with her, this would be an outpatient procedure and I could be in the room with her.

I held her hand as the doctors numbed her and cut her open. We just looked at each other and smiled.

As I looked at Natalie, I realized something. We had just made it through the hardest thing couples seem to endure. If we could make it through finding out we were pregnant in an unplanned manner and find out that we had lost that child while dealing with our families feuding and working hard jobs, why couldn’t we be married? Maybe we were ready for this next step. And it certainly was a crazy step but we’re both unconventional people.

The procedure didn’t take long, Natalie was drugged up but she said she felt okay. I helped her out to the car and took her back home, when we got back she wanted to work from bed and finally deal with the real world.

“Are you sure you’re ready to?” I asked her. She nodded.

“I need a distraction right now and I have about 300 work emails, 23 missed calls from Andrea, 20 missed calls from my parents and about 30 text messages, I feel like we should get the word out,” she said as she began to do all this work from her mac, she was all about staying synched on the cloud while I knew nothing about technology.

I finally turned on my iphone and saw that I had over 50 missed calls from everyone in my family and my coach. The same people sent me text messages and I had a million emails from my agent. Natalie put her bluetooth in to call her sister first while she worked to email her clients back and I went to her office to go down the list of who to call.

“Goodness gracious, Ryan it’s about time! It’s been two days and your brother comes home to tell me Natalie lost the baby and I hear nothing more,” she shouted at me through the phone. I sat in the desk chair and sighed.

“Sorry, we just wanted to be alone,” I explained, telling her everything that had occurred in the last two days.

“So are you still getting married next month?” She broke the silence. I didn’t know what to say.

“I don’t know, only family and few friends know about the wedding so we could move it or something, we haven’t really talked it out yet,” I told her. I talked to my mom a little more before continuing down the list.

I called my siblings and explained to them what went on as well, my sisters who once hated Natalie now had strong compassion on her for losing the child.

When I called my coach, he screamed at me a little before I explained fully what happened and he immediately told me to take a little more time off, do what I needed to do and make sure Natalie was okay, my agent said the same. I was glad everyone was being so gracious. I walked back to Natalie’s room to see she was laughing on the phone, I smiled in the doorway.

“I’ll see you in two weeks, Katie, love you,” she said hanging up. She patted the bed for me to sit as she wrote emails.

“Ryan, you are wonderful,” she smiled, I looked at her, “you have dealt with everything so well, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I closed her computer and held her in my arms.

We were going to be okay.