Chaser of Faith

I sometimes have trouble trusting my memory.

The memories I have of my parents are often clearer than they should be. I think I created a lot of memories for myself- I have a pretty wild imagination sometimes.

It was sunset by the time the path we were walking began to feel familiar.

The cold evening reminded me of a memory- or a dream, or something- when my father and my mother were walking home with me. I was just a kid, still eager to hold my mom and dad’s hands. All I remember was looking up to see my mom and dad as they spoke to each other and laughed together.

This small, insignificant memory brought me comfort at times- whether it was real or not. And as I walked with Nicholas, it brought me the comfort of family and home. I had to stop myself from holding onto Nicholas’s hand- reaching out for any kind of physical contact that wasn’t desperate or violent like I’d become so accustomed to.

Walking towards the cottage- towards home- felt so daunting. I had so many fears. Would Adriel be there? Would Rahmiel have the same confusing delusions that Simon had about me? Would Remy have been long gone? What if I passed out- died- again?

Of course, I was relieved to almost be home, finally. I would be safe there. No one could come in without being invited. And, if Adriel was there, Rahmiel, Remy, and Nicholas could keep me safe. Or… Rahmiel could. Now that Nicholas was, maybe, human, maybe he would leave. Would he go back to Earth?

No one can go back to Earth, the portal is closed, I remembered. King Ymet had closed off the portals to other worlds because of a criminal. At this point, I could barely remember the details of King Ymet’s speech, but the thought of it made my stomach turn anxiously. You’re stuck here.

I looked up to the clear sky. It was a calm peach that became a lavender color the higher it went up to the Heavens. I felt my wings twitch on their own. I halted their flicking and stretched them widely.

“What does it feel like?” Nicholas asked suddenly. I looked at him, taking in his new appearance. He still had no shirt on- his white skin had a yellow tinge in the sunlight. His tired blue eyes still looked dark in this light. Not black like before, but a dark, natural color. The depth of their darkness drew me in. I felt like I could get lost in those eyes.

“Flying?” I asked to clarify. He nodded- his face pale and sickly. I thought about the first time I tried to fly. “I was so angry that this happened to me. I used to be terrified of flying. It felt like God was mocking me.” Speaking then made me realize how thirsty I was. My voice croaked as it caught in my dry throat. I swallowed hard, feeling my forehead heat up with stress. I slowed my pace, ultimately stopping to catch my breath and wipe my forehead. Nicholas stopped with me, holding onto his stomach and closing his eyes for a moment.

“Yeah, I think we can afford to rest for a moment.” We moved to the side of the path, sitting in the grass. I laid down, feeling the blood rush up to my head and causing my sight to darken.

“I was so afraid I would fall if I tried to fly,” I admitted slowly, keeping my eyes shut. Through my closed lids I could see shades of orange and red from the sun shining down on us. I took in a deep breath as my body settled once more. I opened my eyes slowly to see Nicholas in a similar state. His eyes were closed as he was hunched over himself in the grass.

“How can you fall if they’re your wings?” I smiled at his question.

“I don’t know. Most fears aren’t really rational. It’s just the unknown that makes people go kind of crazy.” I shrugged when he opened his eyes again to look at me. He smiled at me sleepily. “I didn’t know how to fly, yet.” I heard his stomach growl. “Do you think you can make it a little farther?” He nodded.

“Of course,” he affirmed. “I just haven’t been hungry like this in a while.”

I stood up shakily and held out my hand to him.

“We’re almost there, I think. I think I recognize that tree over there,” I joked. He smiled up at me. It took him a moment before he finally took my hand. I lifted him up with all the strength I had and he fell into me. He stumbled back, muttering an apology. His eyes were closed and he wobbled for a moment. “Hey,” I said quickly, grabbing his naked torso and putting his arm around my shoulder. “It’s okay, just a little bit more to go.” He leaned on me, opening his eyes once more. He breathed heavily. “Rahmiel will be so happy to see you. He’ll cook so much food for us when we get back home,” I said as my voice strained when I heaved his body up a little further onto my shoulder. “You’ll be sick from overeating. Then, you can sleep for days. And then, you’ll be able to wake up during the daytime and sleep at night like a regular, boring human.”

“You really look like an angel in that light,” Nicholas sighed. “I don’t think it’s just a charm, Claire.” I said nothing, but frowned thoughtfully. “Facing your fears seems to come naturally to you. That’s a supernatural quality, mind you.”

“Boy, you’re really a little out of it, aren’t you, Nick?” A smiled spread slowly on his face.

“Emily used to call me Nick.” I shut my mouth again, blushing at the sudden intimate feeling between us.

“It’s a charm, Nicholas. I’m human. People don’t just turn into angels,” I mumbled.

“Kol, li kolet haio rith pene li kolet rith.” I squinted at the dirt below our feet. I recognized some words, no, am, what… I didn’t know what he was saying. I didn’t care to ask. “Sav rith Tiviat o sav rith Sintragoniat mye.”

“Nicholas, rest, okay? Less talking, more walking.” He breathed heavily again.

It was silent apart from our labored breathing. The thought of my thirst and the weight of Nicholas’s body made me sweat again.

“Almost there,” I told myself more than him.

It only took a few more minutes until, miraculously, the small cottage I had come to know came into view. I let out a sigh of happiness and relief.

“Nicholas, we made it,” I told him quickly, shaking his shoulder. “We’re here.” His eyes were open when I looked up at him. He stared stoically at the house.

“That was easy,” he added sardonically. I felt my pace quicken, dragging Nicholas along with me. He picked his feet up as we walked quickly down the path. I tried to even my breathing as the exhaustion began to catch up to me.

Suddenly the feeling of home began to feel real to me. I felt such relief I thought I might burst. The thought of safety motivated me to keep walking. I felt my heart pounding in my ears and my temples. My wings flapped behind our bodies, creating gusts of air that pushed us forward.

I leaned Nicholas on the fence for a moment. He wobbled a little, but stood on his own, watching me carefully. There were no lights on in the cottage, but I took little notice of this. I held the handle of the gate and when I blinked one second, I was standing back from the gate and staring at the ground. I looked at Nicholas, confused.

“You said you can’t come in,” Nicholas told me. I felt a cold chill run through me.

“What? But… I’ve been invited in already,” I whined. “Then you have to try, Nicholas.” He walked slowly to the gate in front of me and took hold of the handle. He halted before letting go of the gate and stepping back.

“I can’t come in,” he said in monotone. My face twisted in horror and confusion.

“But we’ve both been invited in already,” I said in frustration. Nicholas looked back at me as light returned to his eyes.

“I can’t come in either?” I didn’t answer him. I edged towards the fence, near one of the windows looking into the living room.

“Rahmiel!” I cried out, cupping my hands around my mouth. My throat immediately felt inflamed and raw. “Remy! Anybody!” I waited for a reply. “We’re home!” I cried desperately.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nicholas sit against the fence. I looked down at him. His eyes were closed and his hands clutched his stomach. He looked to be in pain. My heart went out to him. I went to his side, holding onto his arm.

“Nicholas, if I gave you blood, would that help?” The pained look on his face squinted further.

“I don’t want blood, Claire. I want bacon and eggs. I want strawberries and champagne. I want milk chocolate and vanilla ice cream.” He looked at me with those dark blue eyes, almost begging me for help.

“We’ll get you some food soon, I promise,” I replied as I peered into my bag, rooting around for any change. I thought I might be able to buy something from the city. Unfortunately, there was no money left. There was nothing I could do.

I took Nicholas’s hands in my own.

“Steak and mashed potatoes for dinner,” I added quietly. “Chocolate cake and red wine for dessert.” He smiled, his dry lips cracking.

“Garlic bread,” he sighed. “I could eat a whole meal of garlic bread.” I sat back against the fence, tucking my wings down and away from him. He put an arm around my shoulders and I leaned my head on his own shoulder. He was so warm.

“Tomato soup and grilled cheese. My mom made the best tomato soup and grilled cheese,” I remembered fondly.

“I’ll take you back to Manchester. We could visit London. Fish and chips from street vendors.” I pressed my lips into a thin line.

“Maybe someday,” I replied.

“We’ll need to get you a ring first,” he added. I looked at him startled.

“What?” He smiled, looking down at me.

“To hide your wings.” He leaned his head back with a chuckle and closed his eyes. “I can introduce you to my family.” His voice got quieter. “I can introduce myself to my family.” I felt my heart swell with sympathy. “Maybe we should just close our eyes for a bit.”

“Your eyes are already closed,” I pointed out, leaning my own head back against his arm and closing my eyes. The waning daylight brought a chilled darkness. Nicholas’s warmth made me feel comfortable and sleepy.

“It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“Nice end to it, though.”

“Hush,” I chided. He chuckled again. Neither of us said anything for a moment. “Imagine being an intruder in your own home,” I whispered.

“I don’t have to imagine,” Nicholas said lazily, his breathing evening out. “Not the end, you know.” I didn’t answer him. “Home is wherever you are,” he added. I opened my eyes and my mouth, looking up at him, unsure of what to say.

“I’ll have to remember that one.” His lips twitched into a smile quickly, falling almost as soon as it appeared.

“Thank you for saving me, Claire.”

“Anytime, Nicholas.”

“Now sleep,” he ordered. I put my head back in its place on his shoulder. “I’m sure Rahmiel will be home soon.” I nodded, closing my eyes and pressing my face into the crook of his neck, appreciating the gentle physical contact.

“Mhmm,” I agreed.

“He’s probably with the King.”

“Mhmm.”

“We just gotta wait a couple more hours.”

“Mhmm.”

”You just have to give your mom a couple minutes,” he said quietly, bringing his face down to my ear. He sounded so far away.

“Mhmm,” I replied lazily, struggling to keep my eyes open. Even, when they were closed, though, I could still see everything. I wondered why that was.

Dad and I were sitting on our couch, waiting for Mom. We were sitting just like me and… that guy. Blond, teeth, army.

The living room was gone- it was just us, the couch, and the TV. It was as if we were on a ship in the middle of an empty sea of black.

He brushed a couple of strands of hair away from my face, smoothing them behind my ear. It felt as if his arm was an extension of my own body.

“Home is here,” he said, still so far away. “Here she is.”

We were suddenly watching the movie again- all three of us. But my eyes still had trouble staying open.

No one said anything and the TV made no sound. I wanted to speak to them both but it felt like my mouth had been glued shut. I put a hand to my mouth see if my mouth could open. My lips were fused together somehow. It didn’t hurt, but it felt as if they had been pasted together and the glue had dried a long time ago.

“Mhmm,” I said helplessly, putting my hand back down.

“What?” Someone asked.

“Mhmm,” I repeated.

The couch was suddenly gone, and so were my parents. It felt like I was just floating in space.

“Mhmm,” I hummed again with nothing better to say. Suddenly I was falling.

I jolted, putting my hands out in front of me to stop myself from falling. I took in a heaving breath, looking around, trying to regain my sight. It was so dark.

“What?” Someone asked. “Hey, hey, love,” they continued. I felt hands grip onto my upper arms. It was Nicholas, I could remember.

“Shit,” I cursed. “Sorry, I fell.”

“You scared me.”

“Sorry,” I repeated. He finally came into focus. I looked up at the sky- it was dark, but in the distance I saw the light blue haze that came with the sunrise. “He didn’t come.”

“Rahmiel? How long did we sleep for?” Nicholas began to sit up, following me.

“It’s sunrise,” I said, pointing to the light blue in the sky. “We slept for the whole night.” He swore, too, burying his face in his hands. “What do we do?”

“Well, we’ve got two options, as far as I see it.” I shifted towards him, crossing my arms to try and retain the body heat I was beginning to lose away from Nicholas. “We can go into town, steal some food and head all the way back to Tiver in Sithen to see my friends, borrow some money, and start a new life. Or, we can go visit the King and track down Rahmiel.” I looked at him, straight-faced.

“Those aren’t great options.” He shook his head quickly, giving me a comical frown.

“You’re lucky I didn’t give you the third option.”

“What’s the third option?”

“Oh, double suicide.” I pressed my lips together firmly as he flashed me a charming smile. “I’m just kidding,” he drawled.

“Funny guy.”

“But, I think I need to eat or I’m going to pass out.” I sighed, taking in his appearance. He had dark circles around his almost lifeless eyes. He was putting on a show for me, making jokes- he really was in a bad way.

“Do you think there will be open shops by the time I fly to town?”

“I can’t let you go alone,” Nicholas said staring at me solemnly. I arched my eyebrows, giving him a look of distaste.

“You aren’t letting me do anything. I’m doing it because I can, and because you can’t. You need to rest, and someone needs to stay here in case Rahmiel or Remy come back.” He said nothing in reply. “Exactly,” I added with a smirk. I shifted away from Nicholas, sifting through my bag. I took everything out, laying it all next to Nicholas. I untied the knot that held it together and let it unravel out into a cloak once again. I draped it around Nicholas’s shoulders to cover his chest.

“I can fly fast.” Nicholas shifted the cape around his shoulders, fighting a shiver, his eyelids drooping. “The only problem I’ll face is getting away with stealing enough food. If I’m not back in a couple hours, I’m either arrested or… you’ll have to find your own food.” I smiled uneasily at him, who did not return the sentiment. I started to stand, but he took hold of my hand, keeping me there.

“Be careful. Use that if you have to,” he said, gesturing to my sword with his gaze. I nodded.

“Don’t worry,” I offered helplessly. Though, I suppose there was no reason for him not to worry. Hell, I was worried enough for the both of us. I didn’t really trust that I’d be able to get away with stealing, and I certainly didn’t want to steal from innocent people.

We can pay them back afterwards, I thought.

“Take this, just in case,” Nicholas said quickly after he had scanned the small pile of things I had left next to him. He handed me the dictionary he had made for me. “I’m happy you still have that.” I smiled.

“That saved me many times, I can’t thank you enough.” He smiled sleepily, staring distractedly at me. He looked down once more and reached out for another piece of paper in the pile. He scanned the words.

“What is this for?” I looked at the slip of paper, remembering the moment I copied those words from the book Remy had been reading from in Cal’s shop.

“That’s… that might be something we can use to fight Gage.” Nicholas stared at the paper intently.

“Is this Nythen?” I nodded.

“Yes,” I replied. “I was hoping that Rahmiel could translate it for us. I was supposed to ask him… a while ago, but you know, Adriel had other plans.”

“I think I know this word,” He said, squinting at the words. He pointed to the last word and my heart skipped a beat.

“You do? What is it?”

“Hoteth.”

“Hoteth? That’s the Nythen word? Do you know what it means in English?”

“Banish.” I winced.

“How’d you know that?”

“Well King Simon made a law banishing Nythiats from Sithen. I see that word on the signs going into the country.” I saw flashes of my visit to Herith play behind my eyes. The Enforcers and the fear of the girl working in the small shop.

“Why were they banished?” I asked carefully. He looked at me somewhat solemnly.

“Long story short, about a hundred years ago, a Nythiat and a Saniat had a child. It was seen as a threat to Simon’s throne, so he killed it. He killed them all.” The hair on my arms prickled. “He banished the angels from his country because he never wanted a repeat of that disturbance. He took it pretty personally. But, really, other than that he’s a very merciful king.” I had to blink quickly to stop my eyes from drying after I stared at Nicholas for so long.

“Don’t you think that’s barbaric?” Nicholas swallowed hard, slowly blinking his eyes.

“That’s what happens when people break the law on this planet, Claire.” My whole body tensed up. I didn’t say anything for a moment, standing up and brushing the dirt from my already stained dress.

“Only if you get caught.”