Liar

Steve stared at the form in front of him, his gaze unfocused on the blanks waiting to be filled. He’d been trying to write up his report about the subway tunnel incident for hours now. Every time he went to write something, he got side-tracked or couldn’t think of what to put down. He hadn’t left this room since yesterday, had practically sat in the same position for hours on end until he got up to pace the room twice.

He had no idea if Kennedy was alive. The tunnel had been lined with charges that had progressed in the direction of the entrance to the platform. Clint, Freyja and he had been forced back out of the tunnel before they could even check on Kennedy or Loki. All that he really knew of the situation after that point was that Freyja had gone back into the tunnel once SHIELD had arrived. Thor and Tony had gone in after her with an excavation team. They had found Loki.

According to the information that he’d been given, Kennedy had somehow managed to mace the Asgardian and chain him up with the chains that SHIELD had used to restrain him. He’d been unconscious when Thor and Freyja found him, most likely due to falling debris. Steve didn’t really care. He just cared that Kennedy was missing.

This entire situation left feeling more than a little FUBAR. Kennedy had duped him. She’d convinced him, and the rest of SHIELD, that she was SHIELD Agent Kylie Anderson. She had him convinced that she cared about him to some extent. He’d cared about her, had felt for her what he’d felt for Peggy. And it was all a lie on her part.

She’d known what that had meant to him. He knew that she knew. And she’d done it. She’d played her part fantastically. They had all been wrapped around her finger until Clint had figured it out. Clint had been tracking her down when Steve had gone to him. Clint wouldn’t look him in the eye until Steve told him that it didn’t matter.

It mattered more than Steve had let on. But he’d had a job to do. His job was to bring Kennedy and Loki in. He had done half of that. Somewhere out there was Kennedy, hiding out until she felt that it was safe for her to come out. By the looks of it, he had a feeling that she wouldn’t feel safe for a very long time. Not after the way her face had looked last night.

Bucky had done that. No. Not Bucky. Winter Soldier. That was what Natasha had told him, what SHIELD had told him. Bucky wasn’t Bucky. He was a brainwashed, Soviet Russia-era assassin who had trained Natasha. Somewhere along the way, he’d lost his arm and ended up with the bionic one. And he’d tried to kill Steve, which Kennedy had stopped.

“Steve?”

He turned, glancing over his shoulder to where Natasha was standing in the doorway. She walked in, her gait still slightly off-kilter from where Kennedy had broken her ankle, and sat in the chair to the left of his. Her blue eyes flicked over to meet his silently before she carefully slid the form away. He’d started sketching on it without realizing. The sketch looked like Kennedy.

“I don’t want any sympathy if that’s what you’re about to say,” Steve muttered and pushed himself up from the chair.

“I wouldn’t insult you like that,” Natasha replied without getting up. “Fury asked me to bring you to the Helicarrier. He said that it’s important.”

“Did they find Kennedy yet?”

He turned to look back at Natasha who looked at him before shrugging. Steve nodded and withheld his sigh. Even if the news was that she was dead would make him stop thinking about it so much. There were only so many options available to this situation. She was either safe in hiding somewhere or dead. There wasn’t really anything else to it.

“If I knew, I’d tell you,” Natasha replied before pushing her to her feet.

Without another word, the two left the room in Stark Tower before heading to the roof. A QuinJet sat waiting for them. Steve followed Natasha onboard, his blue eyes glancing up to the pilots before he sat down on a seat across from Natasha. She was already staring off into the distance with her teeth picking at the chapped skin of her lip.

“Do you think he found her? Buck-James…Winter Soldier?”

She looked at him before sighing loudly. “If she made it out of there, it’s possible. Which is bad for her, and she knows it despite the way she’s acting. He’s in control, they both know it, and I think he’s starting to lose it.” She paused before clarifying. “Control of himself, anyways. The more unstable he gets, the more control he has over her. She won’t do anything to tip the balance.”

“Don’t you think he’s already lost it? I mean, someone put it in his head that he’s a Soviet assassin,” Steve replied. “He doesn’t even know who he is anymore.”

“If you look at it that way, then yes, he’s already lost it,” Natasha shrugged before continuing. “But he doesn’t know who he really is, he just knows that he’s the Winter Soldier. The programming does start to break down after awhile though. If they didn’t bring him out of stasis the right way, he’s already vulnerable to his programming breaking down. And you don’t want that.”

“I take it his programming breaking down doesn’t mean that he wakes up as Bucky one day,” Steve muttered, unable to keep the bitter tone out of his voice.

“No…it doesn’t,” Natasha murmured softly. “You wouldn’t want him to wake up as Bucky either.”

Steve’s brows lifted, confused. He’d rather that his best friend did wake up as himself rather than remaining whatever he was now. He was selfish enough to say that he wanted Bucky back.

“You remember what happened when you woke up.” Natasha waited for him to nod. “He would wake up, most likely alone, in 2012 instead of 1945 with a bionic arm. The fall he took would have given him amnesia and if, by some miracle, he didn’t have amnesia, then he’d probably attack someone else. He was a highly trained soldier who saw one of the bloodiest wars in history. To say that he wouldn’t have some form of PTSD would be a lie. And what happens if he wakes up as Bucky but remembers everything he did as the Winter Soldier?”

“So what do we do?” Steve asked after mulling the information over for several minutes.

“We talk to Fury,” the redhead said simply. “We talk to Fury and find out where to go from there.”

Steve nodded before leaning back in his seat. He stayed silent throughout the remainder of the flight as he thought over the information in his head. Any way he looked at this didn’t end well for someone. He didn’t even know if there was a way to fix Bucky.

When the QuinJet landed inside a hangar bay, Steve followed Natasha out and up to the bridge. Fury was waiting for them, skimming over a file with his one eye while Maria Hill stood in the back. Steve nodded at her in greeting before looking back to Fury.

The Director of SHIELD closed the file after a moment and laid it on the table. Kennedy’s name was typed neatly on the label. The file was thinner than he expected from someone like Kennedy. Whatever information SHIELD had on her wasn’t even close to what all there was. There had to be more, especially after considering how she’d pulled the wool over their eyes for so long.

“Did you find her?” Steve asked, lifting his blue gaze from the file to Fury’s face.

“Agent Romanoff, I need you to go with Agent Hill and Agent Sitwell. Captain, you’re with me.”

That was all Fury said before leaving the bridge. Steve followed him after a moment’s hesitation, not quite sure where they were going. But Fury didn’t say anything, didn’t offer any kind of explanation for what they were doing. He just walked and Steve followed as he slowly realized where they were heading.

“You found her,” Steve said when they came to a stop outside of an infirmary window.

He couldn’t see Kennedy’s face because of how Rocko was positioned but the two guards outside the door said enough. The little girl sitting on the hospital bed said plenty as well. He stared for several seconds before looking over to Fury.

“Stark found her while excavating a blocked tunnel. She’s lucky to be alive,” Fury answered without looking away from the window. “She’s refusing to talk to her sister or anyone besides Doctor Banner. The only people she agrees to let in for company are those two and Agent Barton.”

“So why bring me here? I doubt she wants to see me.”

“She saved your life, Captain.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means more than you know.”

Steve looked at Fury for a few seconds longer before walking over to the door. The guards stepped aside so that he could key his access code in and scan his thumb. With a soft hiss, the door slid open and Steve stepped inside.

Rocko turned first, blue eyes skimming over Steve silently before he leaned back in his chair. The little girl, Kennedy’s goddaughter, stared him for longer, dark eyes wide and innocent as she stared up at him. She had one of Kennedy’s hands in her own as well as small brush with pink polish on it. Steve almost smiled at that before his gaze lifted to Kennedy’s face.

The almost smile faded from his mind as he took in the bandages wrapped around her eyes. She was staring at him; he could feel it, even if she couldn’t see him. Her lips twitched, curving at the corners as she leaned back against the pillows on her infirmary bed.

“Well if it’s not the good Captain,” she said dryly, still staring but not staring at him. “Didn’t think I’d see you again.”

Steve honestly couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. He just looked at her before glancing at Rocko. Rocko lifted his hands and shrugged.

“She’s got a knack for recognizing people.”

“You’re still in the doghouse,” Kennedy said, twisting her head to Rocko. “Sold me down the river.”

“For your own good,” Rocko retorted.

“Still sold me down the river.”

“And you’re still alive.”

“And blind.”

“Not my fault you didn’t wear protective goggles.”

“Everyone would have known something was up then. And I look horrible in goggles.”

“Maybe if you weren’t so vain, you wouldn’t be blind.”

“Maybe if you hadn’t sold me down the river, I wouldn’t be blind.”

“Maybe you wouldn’t be blind if you didn’t do stupid things.”

“Maybe you wouldn’t be stupid if you didn’t sell me down the river.”

Steve’s blue eyes flicked back and forth between the two as they bickered. It wasn’t actually a serious argument, that much he could tell. But he didn’t really know what to make of the situation.

“Both of you are stupid.”

That comment came from Kennedy’s goddaughter, which got both Rocko and Kennedy to shut up. The little girl wasn’t even looking at either of them. She was busy painting Kennedy’s fingernails. Steve’s lips twitched into a smirk.

“I can literally hear the smirk sliding onto your face,” Kennedy said, looking back to him. “And now I’m waiting to hear it slide away.”

Steve just lifted an eyebrow but still said nothing. After a moment, Rocko stood up and murmured something into Kennedy’s ear. She nodded then before turning and pressing her lips to the man’s temple. With an impassive expression, Steve watched as Rocko picked up the little girl and carried her out of the room. When the door closed after him, it was only he and Kennedy left.

“I don’t care what you’re here for,” Kennedy said flatly. “You can walk right back out that door now.”

“No can do,” Steve shrugged. “At least not until I find out some answers.”

“Get out.”

“I’ll leave you when you give me answers.”

“Fine,” Kennedy snapped, arms folding across her chest. “You have three minutes.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This whole blind thing was grating on her nerves more than anything else. She’d been told by multiple doctors that it was only temporary but that still didn’t resolve the fact that she was blind for now. She didn’t like not being able to see. She felt very off-centered and very vulnerable right now. If James somehow found where she was, she wouldn’t even be able to protect herself.

The fact that Steve was there and she couldn’t see him was both relieving and unnerving. She was having to listen for his movements and use his voice to guess how close he was. She liked being able to see where people were in case she needed to run away. She liked being able to read their faces to see if they were lying or telling the truth.

“What do you want to know?”

“Were you planning on turning on Loki from the start?”

Kennedy’s head turned to her right at the sound of his voice. She ‘looked’ in his direction for several seconds before letting her head fall back against the pillows. She swallowed, throat working slowly as mulled over her words.

“No. It didn’t cross my mind until a few days ago.”

“What made you decide that? He could have killed you.”

She sighed before letting a bitter, sardonic smirk twist her lips. “I know it was dark in the tunnel but you did happen to catch sight of my face, right? I figured I could hand him over to SHIELD like that and then find some place to hide out. Didn’t think I’d end up in the SHIELD infirmary at the end of the day.”

“Loki didn’t do that to you though,” Steve replied, voice tight.

“No…he didn’t,” Kennedy murmured. “Shit happens.”

“That’s not it and you know it,” Steve sighed.

“And it’s not your fault,” Kennedy snapped sharply. “None of anything that happened to me because of him was your fault.”

“I know that.”

“Liar. You’d think it was your fault because I saved your life and he attacked me for it. It’s not your fault. I’m not incompetent and I know how to take care of myself.”

“You didn’t have to save my life.”

“You’re right. I didn’t have to. I chose to do that,” Kennedy retorted. “You owe me for that. I’ll even tell you what I want right here and right now.”

She couldn’t see Steve’s face but she could imagine what it looked like. He’d at least listen to what she had to say.

“I want in SHIELD. There are wrongs that I need to right and somebody that I need to find.”

“You would have to take that up with Fury. I can’t give you a position in SHIELD.”

“Then go outside and bring Fury in here, because I’m not sitting in a cell for the rest of my life. And if I have to find this person on my own, I will. I have a score to settle with him.”

“You’re going to get yourself killed by doing that,” Steve replied after a few minutes had passed.

“I could have died any number of times over the past two, two and a half months,” she shrugged before reaching out tentatively for the tray with her food on it. Finding it, she felt around for a moment before wrapping her fingers around the cup. “I’m a survivor, Steve. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Or blinder.”

His snort made her grin as she brought the cup to her lips. Slowly tilting it back, she let a piece of ice slide into her mouth. Kennedy crunched on it slowly while she turned her head in Steve’s general direction.

“Is it permanent?” Steve asked.

Kennedy shook her and reached into the cup for another piece of ice. “I should be good as new in about six weeks. Got my head smacked around so much that there was some pressure built up on the optical nerves. And then got some stuff in my eyes the other day so…”

Licking her chapped lips, Kennedy popped the piece of ice into her mouth. She was hungry but she didn’t feel like blindly trying to feed herself. And she really didn’t want to ask Steve for help. She’d wait for Rocko to come back. She didn’t care if Rocko saw her like this. She cared if Steve did.

“You want to settle the score with Buck-” Steve caught himself before continuing, “the Winter Soldier. That’s why you want in SHIELD.”

“SHIELD has access to resources that I don’t,” Kennedy replied. “I want to find him and preferably make him pay for everything he did to me.”

The scar on her stomach throbbed in phantom pain at the thought. After everything he had put her through, she wanted revenge. She wanted more than anything to make him pay for what he’d put her through.

“And, like I said, it’d be a chance to right some of my wrongs. I didn’t instantly become what I am when Loki found me. I did what the person with my paycheck dictated. And I know that I can do a million good things for the rest of my life but it won’t change what I’ve already done. Guess I just need to do it for me.”

Reaching up, she rubbed the back of her neck before dropping her hand to her lap. The movement hurt a little but not as much as it would have if she didn’t have any painkillers. There was a steady stream of morphine pumping through her veins right now, just enough to keep her from hurting but not too much that she couldn’t talk or think straight. She could thank SHIELD for that at least.

“I’ll talk to Fury about it…I know Natasha and I both want to find him,” Steve said quietly.

“Is she okay? With the sternum and the ankle?” Kennedy asked. “I got a little overly zealous with it.”

“She’ll be okay,” Steve answered and fell silent for a long pause before speaking up again. “Did it mean anything? Did it ever mean anything at all?”

“Steve…”

“I don’t care about anything else, Kennedy. I need to know. Okay? I trusted you and you pulled the biggest scam I’ve ever seen.”

Kennedy rolled her lips into a thin line before sighing heavily. Her head tilted back to face the ceiling, the thick bandages preventing the fluorescent lights from irritating her eyes. Lacing her fingers together, she bit down on the inside of her cheek. This wasn’t the conversation that she wanted to have right now.

“It meant something, okay? Believe me, it wasn’t my intention for that to happen,” Kennedy sighed. “But it happened and it mattered to me. You’re probably just better off pretending it didn’t happen though.”

“And why is that?” Steve asked quietly.

“I’m not dead yet,” she shrugged. “And James is still out there. It’s a lot less hurt for everyone involved if that’s the way things are.”

“I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen,” Steve murmured. “I don’t see the point in lying about it when everyone practically knows already.”

Licking her lips, Kennedy lifted her head and turned in his direction. She let one hand fall from her lap to the bed, turning over so that the palm was face up.

“Good for you, Steve.”

His larger, calloused hand slowly slid over hers and covered her hand. Wrapping her fingers around the appendage, Kennedy felt his hand close and gently squeeze as it pressed warmly to hers.

“I guess this means you’re not hopeless.”

“I guess this means you’re corruptible.”