Seize The Day.

She got back to the bus and sat down at the table with her contract and a soda. She started reading through all of it. She noticed that the contract didn't say anything about what would happen if she didn’t make it to the bigtime or anything with her band. It talked about how much money would go to the label and how much control she would have over contact with the fans and her say on tour dates and things like that. She read it through a couple times to make sure that she didn’t miss anything. She put in her earphones and started doing a little bit of math in her head, trying to figure out how much money she should invest into all of this and how much she would make back if anything really did happen and work out.
She didn’t hear Arin walk onto the bus. He walked over behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. She jumped up a little bit out of fright but when she noticed who it was she just rested her hands on top of his. She pulled her earphones out and turned back to him, “Hey.” He smiled as he sat down next to her, “Hey,” he looked down at his hands and then back up to her, “So what did Johnny need to talk to you about?” She shook her head, “Oh it was nothing.” He looked at her skeptically, “Come on, what’s going on with you?” She sighed, “I was thinking about heading back home in a couple of weeks.” Arin’s eyes grew wide, “What? No, you can’t do that.” She gave an exhausted laugh, “Yea, that’s what Seward said. But I mean we all knew that I wasn’t going to be a permanent thing. You guys need to go back to how you were before. I mean, that’s what made you guys so amazing.” Arin took her hand in his, “But you can’t leave now…” “Look, I was actually re-considering the whole leaving thing and I was thinking that maybe I’d stay till at least the end of the tour, but then I was talking to this guy down at the record label…” her voice trailed off. Arin looked at her expectantly, “And…?” She took a deep breath, “Well, he offered me a deal and offered to sign me. I mean, this could be big. He said that he could hook me up with a temporary band and see how it goes and then just get a more permanent band if it all goes well. I’m reading the contract right now and well, I don’t know. I mean, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.” Arin looked up at her, “That’s what you said about touring with us.” She looked down at her hands that were gently clasped over his, “And touring with you guys is a once in a lifetime thing. But I mean, having my own band? Actually getting a record deal? I mean, I never even imagined it.” Arin slid his hands out from under hers, “So you’re just gonna up and leave? That’s just gonna be it? You’re just gonna walk away from everything and all of us so you can do your own thing?” Jenny was trying to fight back her tears, “Please don’t say it like that. I don’t want to just ditch you guys, but I mean, this could be big for me. I could actually go somewhere.” Arin just shook his head, “Alright, do what you want.” And with that, he headed so his part of the bus.
A few minutes later the rest of the guys walked on, all laughing and joking around. Brian came over and sat down next to her, “So how’d it go at the studio today?” She forced a smile, “Good actually. The guy who runs the place came in and told me that I had a great voice and stuff and that I could go places with it.” Zacky patted her on the back, “I told you that you’re a good singer.” She smiled up at him, “I guess you were right.” Johnny slid to the back of the bus; he didn’t want to be part of that conversation. Zacky sat down on the couch and Matt came over and sat in the chair on the other side of Jenny. He saw the papers on the table and picked them up and started reading through them. Jenny reached to try and take them from him but he raised them up out of her reach. She leaned back on her chair with a sigh, “Here we go again,” she thought to herself. She didn’t want to have to have this argument for the third time in one day.
When Matt finished reading it he looked up at her, “The dude offered you a deal?” She nodded, “Yea…” he leaned back and put his hands behind his head, “You gonna take him up on it?” She shrugged, “I don’t know. I mean, getting signed with a record label would be big, you know? But I don’t want to leave you guys to start my own thing. You’re like my family at this point.” Zacky got up and took a beer out of the fridge, “Well, I mean, what’s this guy offering you? Is it even a deal worth looking at?” She shrugged, “Honestly, I don’t know. I mean, it sounds good in theory, but the contract says nothing about what will happen if I don’t make it in the real world on my own. It only talks about what will happen to the money if I actually make any.” Brian leaned forward and skimmed through the contract papers. He looked up at Matt, “Yo, this is the dude that talked to us a few years back when we came here.” Matt raised his eyebrows, “Really? Huh, the name doesn’t ring a bell.” Brian turned to Jenny, “Well, if he tells you what happens if you don’t make it, are you gonna sign off with him?” Jenny ran her hands through her hair, “I don’t know. I mean, you guys make it sound so simple but this could change everything. I’d have to leave you guys if I sign with this guy and I’m not so sure that I want to do that.”
Zacky spoke up again, “Well you were planning on leaving in a couple weeks anyway right? What’s the difference?” Matt and Brian both turned to Jenny with looks of shock on their faces. Brian finally spoke up to break the silence, “Is he telling the truth? You were really gonna leave?” She put her head down on her hands on the table, “I was going to just go back home so your guys’ lives could go back to normal and you wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.” Brian put his hand on her shoulder, “When were you going to tell us?” She shrugged as she wiped the tears off of her face, “I don’t know. I didn’t think that you guys would get so worked up about it. I figured that Arin might ‘cause of everything going on with the two of us right now but I mean, I figured that you guys would just go back to how it was before. I figured that it would be easier for you guys anyway.” Matt shook his head and Brian spun Jenny around in her chair so she was facing him, “Look, we all wanted you to stay here. And we’d all be upset if you left. But I mean, if you could really go somewhere with this record deal thing, go for it. Don’t let us stop you. But please, don’t just bail and go home after everything.” She looked up at the three of them, “I’m talking to the record guy tomorrow about what happens if it doesn’t go as well as he thinks. And I’ll see where it goes from there okay? But I can’t promise anything…”
Syn gave her a hug before walking back to his room and Matt kissed the top of her head and walked to the front of the bus where his bed was. It was just Jenny and Zacky left in the room. She was looking down at her hands and Zacky was looking at her. When she finally lifted her head and saw that he was still sitting there on the couch she went over and sat next to him. She looked down at her hands for a second before turning to him and finally looking him in the eye. His gorgeous green eyes were so full of hurt and concern and love at the same time. He wiped the tears off of her cheeks but never broke his gaze. She finally broke down and slid her arms around his neck and let him pull her into a hug. She buried her face in his chest and he just held her tight without saying a word. He ran his fingers through her hair and when she finally looked up at him again, he wiped the tears away again. He pulled her close again and she rested her head on his shoulder. He whispered to her, “It’ll all end up okay. I promise.” She hugged him tighter and they just laid there like that for a few minutes, not saying anything.
Finally, he sat up and looked at her again, “You alright?” She nodded, “I’ll be fine.” He stood up and kissed her on the cheek, “Goodnight.” She smiled up at him half-heartedly, “Goodnight.” She watched him as he walked towards the back of the bus, “Hey Zacky?” He turned around, “Yea?” She smiled and wiped away one last tear, “Thanks.” He smiled back, “Anytime.”
He shut the light off in her part of the bus and went and laid down in his bed. He stared up at the ceiling thinking about what had just happened. It was like the most important times between him and Jenny happened when they barely said a thing. “It’s all in those eyes,” he thought to himself. He stared at the ceiling a little while longer before reaching over the side of his bed and grabbing a notebook and his flashlight. He pulled the covers up over his head like he had when he was a little kid and opened the notebook to a clean page. He took the pencil out of the spiral of it and started to write. He didn’t know what it was going to end up being. Maybe it’d be a poem or a lyric, or maybe just a note of some sort. He had no idea but he had to get it all down on paper so it’d just get out of his head. He kept writing as the thoughts kept coming and when he was done, he had at least five pages, front and back, of words. He started to read it over and over again and added some things in and took other things out and when he was done, he slid it back underneath his bed knowing that he could always go back to it again later. He turned his flashlight off and rested his head back on his pillow. He finally shut his eyes and tried to go to sleep.
Johnny had been awake on the top bunk and heard him scribbling away in his notebook. He wanted so badly to ask what it was about and what happened with him and Jenny, but he knew that he couldn’t. He leaned over the railing of his bed and looked down and saw Zacky and Syn twitching in their sleep. He leaned back up on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He subconsciously reached down to touch his necklace only to find that it wasn’t there anymore. He had forgotten for a moment about the fact that Jenny had it. He looked to the side out the window next to his bed; it was such a clear night. There were plenty of stars and a full moon out and it looked like there was no wind at all. He sat up slowly and carefully opened the window. A small gust of cold air blew in and made goosebumps appear all over his arms. He pulled the blanket up around himself like it was a cape and left the window like that. He slid his feet outside so that his legs were dangling from the ledge but he was safely inside the bus. He looked up at the moon and the stars and thought about everything that had happened over the past couple of years. It all started with Jimmy’s death. It was the end of an era, and not just for the band, but also for each of the guys as a person. It changed everything. And then Arin came along and changed things all over again; only this was a good change. Or maybe it wasn’t good; maybe it was more of a bittersweet kind of change. Things went on like that for a while and then they found Jenny. Talk about a huge change in the course of the band. There was a girl there for once. And all the guys actually became pretty attached to her. That was something that he had never expected. And now things were going to change again. She was either going to sign off on a deal or go home and leave them behind. “I don’t want to lose someone else,” he thought to himself as he swung his feet back and forth, “not again.” He knew that even if Jenny left it wouldn’t be anything like losing Jimmy, but that’s how all the guys were treating it. Losing someone is losing someone, and it was that simple. Sure they could call her and visit when they stopped in her town on tour but she wouldn’t be part of the band anymore. Johnny wasn’t sure that he could handle her just walking out on them. He wasn’t sure if the other guys could either. Especially Zacky and Arin. Especially Zacky.
He finally pulled his legs back in and quietly shut the window. He wrapped the blanket even tighter around himself as he slid down the ladder and silently tip-toed into the main part of the bus. He sat down in Zacky’s chair and looked over at Jenny. He had no idea if she was awake or not, but he didn’t really care either. “Jenny,” he whispered quietly, “I don’t know if you can hear me, but I just want you to know that no matter what you may think, you really are important to the band. And you’re important to me. It may not be much, but it’s everything I’ve got. I don’t know what’ll happen if you pack up and go home and well, that’s scary. I don’t know what the other guys will do about it either. I don’t want to lose another band member Jenn. Hell, I don’t want to lose another family member,” he paused, “Jus remember that I love you okay?” He walked over and kissed the top of her head, “Goodnight.” As he walked away, one last tear slid down Jenny’s cheek. “Goodnight,” she said just loud enough to make a muffle of a sound.
She sat up on the couch and looked around. She thought about that first morning she had woken up on the bus next to Johnny and thinking about how surreal it was. How nothing could’ve been better than realizing that she was actually touring with the guys. It was like something out of one of her dreams. And now, she was contemplating giving it all up? For a record deal? Or to just go back home to where no one really cared about her anyway? She rested her head in her hands, “What happened to the girl that woke up on this bus all that time ago?” she thought silently to herself, “Where did she go?”
She looked down at her necklace. Suddenly she remembered every detail of the night that she got it. Every word that Johnny said to her. He actually made her feel like she mattered, like her existence actually meant something. It wasn’t often that anyone even tried to do that for her, let alone succeed at it. She remembered him sitting down next to her on stage and offering her his beer. She remembered that first little smirk that she had gotten from Arin. She remembered sitting and talking to Zacky and Johnny about everything that she’d been through with her friends and family. It all came flooding back in a series of vivid snippets of conversations and smiles and laughs and tears and hugs. She couldn’t remember the reasons that she had that made her want to give all of that up. It didn’t seem like there would ever be a reason good enough to sacrifice it all. Would getting a record deal be great? Fuck yea it would be great. But was it worth losing her family over? Was it worth sacrificing the guys who saved her life a million times before she even talked to them?
She knew that her mind was probably going to change a million times more before she finally came to a final decision about what she’d do in the end. But she knew that if she did decide to sign, leaving the guys was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever have to do. No amount of money or fame could ever replace the friends she’d made on that very bus. But maybe signing wouldn’t be replacing them. Maybe it’d just be moving on. The same way that Arin wasn’t replacing Jimmy. It just meant that the band was taking a small step towards moving on. They wouldn’t forget Jimmy; the same way that Jenny would never forget the guys. But it was just something new to start memories with. Dan would have to make her a pretty amazing deal if she was going to accept it. But even then, a part of her would probably never forgive her for taking him up on it. She’d probably never totally forgive herself for walking away from the chance of a lifetime. But then again, getting your own deal is a chance all it’s own.
She shook her head as if it would dispel all the indecisiveness running around in her head. She just focused on the guys. All the memories she had with all of them. From finally getting Syn to talk to her, to the moment that she had just had with Zacky. It made her smile. These guys were her life now. They were the brothers and fathers that she had never grown up with. But there was one who wasn’t a brother or a father or anything of the sort.
She got up off the couch and walked to Arin’s room. She climbed up onto his bed and snuggled down under the covers next to him. He drowsily opened his eyes and wrapped his arms around her, “You okay?” She nestled herself closer to him, “Can’t sleep.” He tightened his arms around her, “I love you.” She kissed him, “I love you too.”