I Will Hold You When No One's Around

I will hold you when no one’s around.
10-

I decided to wait one day to settle on. After that spare break, I woke up very early and got myself ready. I put some make up on and made sure to look nice and not show my scars, which were still healing. I had a quick breakfast and went outside, started the car and breathed deeply.

“It’s all going to be alright.” -I said to myself. “You are amazing, and they will love you.”

Even though I had already been there and knew a few people, I was very nervous about my first day on work.

“Neat!” –I was thinking when I saw the huge and elegant building in front of me. I walked inside. “Good morning!” –I said to the same girl I had seen the day of my job interview.

“Hello Miss Darrel! We’ve been waiting for you!” –She replied with a smirk.

“Yes, I know, and I’m very sorry. I got very, very sick and I couldn’t even stand up from my bed.” –I alleged.

“Oh, I understand. Mr. Nolan thought so; he asked me to call you and see how you were and why you didn’t come, but your cell phone wasn’t available and when I called to your house number it wouldn’t even sound…” –She spilled.

“Yeah… well, my land line was cut, because I had to go paying the bill and at that time I was feeling already bad, and my cell phone died some weeks ago, it fell on the fishbowl and I just got one new yesterday.” –I smiled, showing her my new phone I had actually got years ago. It was weird… lying on the first day. But I had to do it; I wasn’t going to tell her about my personal secrets I didn’t even fully know.

“Well, I’m glad you are feeling good now! Your office by now is the number 21, on the 14th floor.” –She told me while handing me two copies of one same key and an ID I had to be wearing while I was on the building. “By the way, the boss would like to personally welcome to your first day working on our company, he will eventually show up there” –She finally said, winking at me.

I went to the elevator and pressed number fourteen, and after the doors opened, I walked to the door that had a number 21 printed on it. Placed the key inside of it, and opened the entry.

Sweet Lucifer. This was awesome. My own bureau, only for me! It was immense, not as big as Mr. Nolan’s, for sure, but it still was vast. There were two large couches and a little table in the middle of the room. Gigantic shelves with incredible amounts of books and even a stair to reach the ones that were placed higher; it looked kind of like a petite library. I stepped forward and saw the desk with a plate that had graven my name. The desk also had a couple of folders on it, a brand new computer and two big drawers on each side. I sweat it was so big I could even take a nap there. I turned around and saw the colossal windows. Little did I know the view was going to be this amazing? I could see the whole city from my office. Damn.

I could see all Huntington Beach. I could see the ships arriving to the pier, the cars moving underneath me, the palm trees waving at me and the people looked like ants. I loved this, I felt powerful and unstoppable.

“Knock knock!” –I heard. I diverted my gaze to the door, which was being slightly open. “What’s up Darrel?”

“Mr. Nolan! It’s a pleasure to meet you again!” –I said, walking to him and shaking his hand.

“The pleasure is all mine, sweetheart!” –He smiled. “My secretary told me you’ve been unwell… I’m very happy you could make it. Are you ready to start?” –His voice was reassuring and loud.

“Sure I am!” –I cheered.

“Great! Now go to work! I’ve already found some potential patrons for you. They are on your counter.” –He seemed so happy of having me there. Yay!

I’ve always wanted to work like this… I could work from home and at the time I wanted to and I only had to go to that enormous and stunning office of mines one time a week to report all my progress. That’s why they call it “temporary office”. I would earn plenty of money only by talking to people and visiting clients. I didn’t have to wake up in the early sunrise everyday and I didn’t need to wear a specific uniform. I was so excited about all of this.

Weeks passed quickly, everything was going great. I had been working for a long time already and I stopped drinking alcohol. I was going to my first
citation with the shrink today; it made me a little jumpy but it was unavoidable.

“We are going to improve.” –My other self said. “This will help you and everything will finally set in the right place.”

I smiled. “I hope so… I just don’t want to be mistaken by an insane person.”

“Baby, you are insane.” –She spoke. “This is the best.”

“I mean, I don’t want to be sent to a psychiatric center, but I don’t want this to be taken less serious than how it is.” –I knew this was the best, but I was
afraid of the consequences that speaking my mind could bring.

“They won’t make you do anything you don’t want. Just open yourself and let the right words take flight.”

“I guess you’re right…” –I tried to seem convinced, even though I wasn’t.

“I’m always right.” –I let a sarcastic laugh out. “Hey…” –She called. “It’s okay. You are doing very well and it can only get better.”

“Maybe…” –I replied. I was free of drugs and free of booze; this was only a part of the equation, I would be free of pain now, so I would feel healthy again. I needed to talk and let it all out. I looked at the clock of my cell phone and saw I had to get going.

“Hello, can I help you?” –The girl said when I approached her.

“Hello, I’m here to see Dr. Brooke. I had an appointment at four o’ clock.” –I explained.

“Oh!” –She looked at her computer. “You must be Miss Darrel.” –I nodded. “Follow me.”
I was guided to a big room with lack of light. The walls were painted with green and there was a little lamp beside the desk, two chairs and a table with a box of tissues between them. “The doctor will be here in a bit.” –She said as she walked out. I took a seat on one of the chairs and waited for not
more than two minutes for the doctor to join.

“Hello lady!” –The young man greeted with a bright smile.

“Hey…” –I shyly said.

“I’m Dr. Jonathan Brooke, you can call me John.” –We shook hands and he sat down. “So, what do we have here?”

“I don’t know…” –I answered.

“Yes you do. I saw on your medical record you’ve been diagnosed with major depression, Dysthymia and cyclothymiacs disorders about three years ago…” –His gaze was locked in me.

“Yeah… and I have schizophrenia.” –I almost whispered, looking at the ground.

“How are you so sure?” –He asked me.

“I hear things…” –I took a deep breath. “I also see things. Unreal things” –For a little moment I made eye contact.

“I understand. What kind of things do you hear and see? And since when?” –He seemed very curious.

I glared at him. “I started hearing myself talk inside my head since I was diagnosed with depression, but I started literally seeing myself some months ago…”

“Did you try to talk to someone else about this before?”

“Yes, I kept visiting a psychiatrist but all they did was prescribing me useless medications.”

“I see.” –He stayed silent for a while. “Have you ever watched the movie of Winnie the Pooh or ever read the stories?” –Was he scoffing at me?

“Look, I don’t know if you really understand my situation here…” –I said.

“Have you?” –He insisted.

“Of course I have.” –I sighed.

“And what’s your favorite character? Rabbit? Piglet? Maybe Tigger?” -His questions were annoying me already.

“Eeyore.” –I cut.

“So you like the sad donkey.” –He seemed disappointed.

“He is my favorite character. What’s up with it?”

“It turns out that each character is meant to portray a different disorder…” –He said.

“What? What do you mean?”

“Tigger has severe ADHD, troubles paying attention. Rabbit has OCD, obsessive thoughts and compulsive tendencies. Piglet has anxiety, he's afraid of
everything. Christopher Robin has schizophrenia, hallucinations about his toys coming to live. Pooh has an eating disorder and an unhealthy addiction to honey, Kanga and Roo are codependent…”

“What about Eeyore?” –I asked.

“Eeyore has extreme depression, slash Dysthymia… but it's not like it was that hard to figure out.”

I was shocked. How didn't I know about this? It seemed like a very innocent story on the surface, but it had this dark meaning so weird and astonishing. Jesus Christ.

“Owl is their therapist.” –He said. “Or maybe he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, considering he was aware of his wisdom, and everyone came to him for help, but yet he was so full of himself and always thought he had all the right answers… I don’t know, I still haven’t figured out.” –I didn't say a word, and I wasn't very sure he had noticed my face yet. “Have you ever watched Spongebob Squarepants? I also have a funny story about it…” –He laughed.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” –I looked at him, waiting for an explanation. In change, I just got a big smile and two greenish shining orbs looking at me.

“A lot is… what about you?” –Damn. “Can you take off your jacket?” –This dude was so random…

“No, I can’t take off my jacket, sorry. I’m cold.” –I lied.

“Come on, it’s not that cold.”

“It is for me. Sorry.”

“Okay. Let’s heat you up a bit. You will eventually give up.” –He stood up and turned on the calefaction. Goddammit.

“Good.” –I said, bitterly.

Half an hour later full of irrationalities I started to sweat. I know what he wanted, and he wasn’t going to get it.

“Aren’t you hot? Because I sure am.” –He spoke as he fanned himself with the papers he held in his hands.

Hell yeah I was hot. “A little bit, but not too much.”

“You are so stubborn… Take off your jacket.”

“I don’t want to.” –He can’t see me. I still have some scars.

“I am the doctor. Take it off” –He was stern now.

“Fuck!” –I muttered to myself, while standing on my feet and removing my only protection from my arms.

“Hey, I heard that.” –He leaned forward, taking a better look to my naked skin. “Do you mind?” –He was asking for permission to grab my wrist.

“It’s okay.”

“I believe this is not the only place in your body with scars.” –Our eyes connected. “Am I wrong?”

“You’re right…” –I felt a tear starting to roll down my cheek and I diverted my gaze from his to the floor, again.

“It’s okay.” –He said. This time his voice sounded very sweet and I felt a lot of understanding in his words. He kissed one of my scars softly and caressing my face with his hand, he said:

“I will help you. I promise.”