I Will Hold You When No One's Around

I will hold you when no one’s around.
11-

“…It becomes harder when I’m alone. Sometimes I feel lost inside myself.” –I told John, that guy who started being my shrink, now was my friend. I felt free to speak out at this moment, and as weeks passed I felt so much more comfortable.

“That’s normal; you just need to entertain yourself and maybe a roommate could distract you when you’re down.” –He said.

“Like who?”

“You told me about Jennifer… you can ask her to stay over for a couple of months. Right?” –His voice held hope.

“No.” –I mouthed. “She’s a great friend, but I wouldn’t be able to deal with her for an entire week, much less for a whole month…”

“What about your gay friend? Weill.”

“I have no one, Jonathan.” –I spoke.

“What about Alice?”

What about Alice? She was all I wanted, but at the same time she was all I couldn’t have. I hadn’t seen her since the day I went to her house… She needed to think, right. It’s been almost five moths and she hasn’t texted me, she hasn’t called me, nothing.

“I don’t know.” –I said. “We haven’t talked.”

“Not since then?” –He sounded surprised.

“Not since then.”

“Is she okay?” –The man asked me, but I had no clue.

“How do you want me to know? I have no fucking idea.” –I snort out.

“Hey, I’m sorry.” –He raised his hands in defense. “I’m just worried about her.”

“You’re worried about her?” –I laughed. “I’m not.”

“Yes you are. You love her.” –Oh, not again…

“Maybe you’re right, but why should I care? I am the wounded one here.” –I wagged my arms, to make him comprehend.

“You are not the only one, darling. She was hurt too, and when you told her about your cuts she thought it was her fault. I understand you, but I also have to recognize her point of view.” –He said as a matter of fact.

“Well…” –I looked at the ceiling, feeling like an ass.

“What’s wrong?”

“What you just mentioned about Ally’s point of view. It made me think about what my other self told me some days ago, about the possibility of Ally starting with her suicidal ideas again…” –I explained, doubting.

“Again? You never informed me about that.” –He started to complain.

“We were supposed to talk about me, not about Alice. I didn’t have to say anything to you.” –I replied.

“Of course you had to. She’s part of you. Tell me all you know about Ally now!” –He urged. Okay…

When she was 15, she was diagnosed with bipolarity. At the age of 16 Alice tried to commit suicide, and she would have accomplished it if it wasn’t because I stopped her. At 18 she attempted to kill herself again and this time she even made a suicide letter, because she was sure she would succeed… but it only sent her to the hospital; the amount of calming pills she had taken wasn’t enough to stop her heart, even though she drank almost the whole medication recipient. Those were very hard times for her. She was an only child, like me, but both of her parents had died when she was 15 on a car accident, and she only had her grandmother, who used to hit her and ground her all the time. When she was 17 she died and Ally was sent to an orphanage for a year until she was an adult capable of taking care of herself.

She was always telling me she was going to end with her life and that she was miserable… and what hurt me the most was that I knew she wouldn’t change her mind just because of me. Selfish, I know.

“…She eventually started with therapies and her thoughts about suicide became less recurrent. She once told me I was her motivation to keep living and that she would be dead if it wasn’t thanks to me. You don’t know how good it made me feel.” –I said.

I was diagnosed with depression and a while after I started to cut myself; I had never seriously considered suicide, though. Sure I had thought about it and how it would be, fantasizing with my death… but no. She lived for me and I lived for her, and we were always looking forward to see each other the next day.

“The problem is; she and I had a pledge. She was not going to restart with her suicidal self only if I didn’t cut again.” –Tears rolled down my eyes.

“What would her surprise be like when you told her about your things?” –He asked.

“I don’t want to know…” –I lied, bursting out into tears because I couldn’t handle it anymore. He handed me the tissue box.

“A suicidal person needs a lot of willpower not to make their ideas come true. She can be dead right now!” –I was shaken… I couldn’t speak. “Give me your cell phone!” –After a moment I reacted and obeyed. He seemed to be dialing a number. “She doesn’t answer her phone.” –Now he was also taken aback.

“You…you give me your phone! She won’t answer if she knows it’s me.” –He did as I said and I called her. No answer. “Fuck!” –I shout. “I’ll go to her house! You send an ambulance to this address and look for Alice McLeod!” I said desperately, giving him a little paper in which I had just written Ally’s directions.

I drove there as fast as I could and got inside with the key she always kept under the “I don’t want you here” carpet I gave her when she moved. But it was totally empty. I called Jonathan.

“She’s not home.” –I said just after he picked up, walking around her house, looking for hints. That’s when I got into the bathroom and saw two of those yellow pill containers on the floor. “SHE IS IN A HOSPITAL!” –I yelled to the phone, while taking a better look to the details of the medicine.

“How do you know? What did you find?!” –He asked me, agitated.

“Two empty bottles of… my pills?!” –Yes, they were my prescribed pills. The ones I never stopped buying. “How did she get these?”

“That doesn’t matter. I’ll look for her. Go home, I will call you.” –And he hung up.

“Alice!” –I silently whispered to myself. “Where are you?” –And I started to cry.

As soon as I got home I started to walk in circles, not knowing what to do. Should I stay here? After a couple of eternal minutes my cell phone rang.

“Go to the Huntington Beach Hospital right now. I’ll meet you there!” –He didn’t even let me talk, he hung up again.

I went outside and started the car, ready to go. The main hospital from the city… it was almost an hour away. Why would she be there? And why was John being so supportive about this? Damn. I was a jerk. “This is my fault!” –I said to myself.

“No, it’s not. Don’t blame yourself! This was not your fault. She knew what she was doing. Calm down and focus on the road. The last thing you want now is to have a car accident. Come on.” –I heard me. “She is alright.”

“She has to.”

After a little more than half an hour I arrived. “Excuse me lady… can you tell me if Alice McLeod is anywhere here?” –I asked to the nurse on the main desk.

“McLeod… yes, she’s in observation, room #16.” –She said.

“How is she? Is she okay?” –I asked, still affected by the past events that went out on a rush.

“She’s doing pretty well, she’s a strong girl. Would you like to visit her? You’d be the first one to see her on almost one month.” –I nodded.

“One month?” –She had one fucking month here and I didn’t know!

“Yes, but I think in a couple weeks she’ll feel good enough to go back home. Please come with me.” –She took my hand and lead me to Ally’s scope.

And there she was, asleep. She looked so pacific and calm; with her arms resting by her sides and her eyes facing the right wall. I walked in, trying not to make any disturbing sound. And I just sat there for the next couple of minutes, admiring her beauty; her perfect nose, her perfectly shaped eyebrows, her perfectly pink cheeks, the perfect lunar under her eye, her perfect meaty lips, she was just so perfect. Like an angel… My fallen angel; so weak and powerless. I sighed. “Why did you do this, Ally?”

“Hi…” –I heard, when I looked at the door there was John stepping into the room.

“Hey.” –I covered my mouth with my index finger, pointing him not to make noise. He nodded.

“How is she?” –He asked in a whisper.

“She’s okay; the nurse told me she might be out in two weeks.” –I replied.

“That’s great… but how did you know what happened to her? I mean, you sounded so sure when you told me she was in a hospital.” –He reclaimed calmly.

“I figured out.” –I said after a moment.

“You knew that she would try to swallow a bunch of pills?”

“That’s what I would have done.” –I spoke, standing up and getting closer to Alice. I noticed Jonathan’s quiet disapproving gesture behind me.

“We’ll have to talk about this later.” –He spilled approaching me. I didn’t respond anything for a while.

“She’s beautiful isn’t she?” –It was more a statement than a question, he answered yes, though.

“Why are you being so kind to me? You’ve helped me a lot and I’m nothing more than another one of your patients…” –I looked at him.

“You are not only my patient, you’re my partner, remember?” –He patted my shoulder and winked at me. “We’re together in this journal.” -I smiled in return.

Together in this journal.

I decided to spend the night over in the hospital; John stayed with Ally while I went home and searched for my laptop, a couple of Alice’s favorite movies and a bag with my personal stuff. All the way back I kept wondering what would her reaction be when she sees me there. Will she be happy? What if she hates me now? I broke our promise, after all… I arrived to the hospital and looked at the clock, it was almost 9:00 PM, John left some minutes after and Alice was still sleeping. I silently sat there, didn’t say a word for the whole night, my thoughts about Ally were strident enough.

“Wait.” –I thought. “This is more serious than her reaction to seeing me” –I hadn’t thought about it, I was too concentrated in myself. “Alice tried to kill herself, for fucks sake.” –How much pain did she have to feel to attempt against her life? “No, that’s not the problem… maybe it wasn’t because of the pain she did this.” –Now I know what happens…

Ally’s mood swings caused by her bipolarity weren’t a big problem, though. During her depressive phase she wasn’t like the hopeless person you’d think about, she was just… needed. In this stage she still smiled and laughed as always, and she just told that she couldn’t spend much time alone, because her suicidal alter would take over. During her mania, which usually lasted more than the depressive one, she was way up and even when her temper didn’t change much, she looked happier and she was more enthusiastic.

I don’t even know in what stage she was now. She never let me know about it, I just noticed by the tone of her voice and the look in her eyes. All these four months have passed, and I haven’t shared any moments with her, I was unconscious about her actual humor.

What if, perhaps, she had been down lately? What if, after all, this wasn’t my fault?

“So... is it your fault or not?” –My other self asked appearing in front of me and making me jump of the surprise.

“I have no idea…” –I replied, recovering from the little heart attack I gave myself.

“It was either all of your fault or none…”

“I know. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.” –I mumbled.

“I’m not very sure you want to. I mean, it’d be horrible to find out she did it because of you, don’t you think? Keep that in mind.” –She said. I just nodded in response.

“Don’t make a big deal out of this… it happened and there’s nothing you can do about it now, besides being with her and support her. I’d recommend you to stay here and be nearby when she wakes up. You better start thinking about all the good things that you will tell her to make her feel better. Give her the news about your recovering, talk to her about your new job, tell her only things she’ll like to hear, and for fuck’s sake don’t start questioning her so soon. She’s weak; she is the one who needs you this time.” –She spilled so slowly and carefully I felt like a 5 year old being lectured. When she noticed I had comprehended what she said, her body vanished away.

“Jesus…” –I thought. A sad smile formed on my lips. “Why do I have to be so smart?”