I Will Hold You When No One's Around

I will hold you when no one’s around.
14-

After Alice fell asleep I had a little talk with Dr. Bryar. “You have to take care of her.” –He made me promise... Otherwise, Ally would have to be sent to a “special place”.

When we arrived home next morning Alice immediately went to my bedroom and cached sleep quickly. I stayed on the living room and when I thought about my work, I directly called Mr. Nolan. I had to inform him about what had been happening lately. I was starting to feel a little embarrassed about my so enormous deficiency. As always, the answer was exactly the same; he told me I could take all the time I needed.

I guess things will settle down now, right? I mean, Al would stay with me and we’d have time enough to talk and clean every dirty spot off. Now I guess almost everything is fine. I’ve been getting better and there’s not much left to pass. John will help me.

But today was just starting. I could think about a lot of things that could make this day unforgettable; a handmade gift for Alice was one of them, she always said she loved my drawing, and that she would adore having such a big “gift” like my creativity was. I had a lot of time left, but I needed to start right away.

I decided not to make any other noise, since I had a sleeping guest in my room. I went to the kitchen and took a couple soothing pills, directed to the studio, and took a piece of paper and started to draw… well, more like tried to, because my things haven’t been good lately. Take a piece of paper; trace senseless doodles all over it. Another page, more doodles. A page more, doodles again. For some reason all the doodles I made seemed to take a strange form… The lines became monsters, and weird faces. I was used to it, I guess.

“Why is my drawing so bad?” –I know I hadn’t drawn anything good for weeks since a couple days before my first kiss with Alice. I remember that last decent design I had made… I named it “New
Perspective”, because that song by Panic at the Disco had inspired me then.

“Taking everything for granted but we still respect the time, we move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine.” –Now, I’m thinking it was a pretty true line; we don’t know what kind of things can happen until they occur, because we are always used to do what we do and nothing more… securely walking through the woods of the dark night life.

I knew that the song didn’t really have this deep meaning; in fact, it was really about one of those so called one-night stands, pretty shallow, actually. Anyways, my point of view is always a little bit different from what it should really be.

Going back to my drawing, I was starting to think I couldn’t make it.

“You should make something more meaningful than a stupid drawing.”

“Damn.” –I grumbled, seeing myself in front of me. “Do you always have to appear like that?”

“Just admit you need me. If it wasn’t because of me, you would still be in that goddamn emo state.” –My tulpa said, bitterly.

“What about the rudeness, dude? You scared me. Take it easy.” –I raised both of my arms in defense.

“Fuck you. I’m tired of being all so nice to you and you treating me like shit.” –What the fuck?

“Excuse me? You are not real! You are just a product of my imagination and nothing more. Now please get the hell out.”

“Get the hell out? I’m fucking trying to help you!” –She complained.

“You are not succeeding. What is wrong with you? The last time you were okay!”

“That’s because I thought you would finally stop doing this!” –She pointed at the pencil I had in my
left hand.

“Doing what?” –I could feel my blood boiling inside my veins.

“I thought you would finally stop fucking drawing! You suck at it and you know it!” –She yelled.

“Why do you always do this when I try to draw?” –I questioned, throwing my pencil away and hitting a crystal vase, so hard that it fell and broke into pieces. “I don’t suck! Ally likes my art! My friends like my art!” –It sounded more like I was trying to convince myself and not her.

“What friends? You don’t have any friends! Stop trying to be someone you are not! Alice doesn’t even like your shit!”

“She does! She said I’m an artist! Stop it!” –My head started to ache, my sight was blurring.

“You are not an artist! You are just a fucking mess. Stop pretending!” –Her voice was distorted and very loud.

“I am not pretending…” –I found myself in a corner of the room, sobbing, closing my eyes as hard as
I could and with my hands covering my ears, leaning forward and backwards over and over again.

“Are you crying? Oh my God! You are pathetic! You always cry!” –She now was screaming inside my head. I felt numb and my mind begged for a pause.

“You are weak and stupid!”

“Grow up!”

“You are so fucking stubborn! Nobody likes you!”

“Just die already!”

“There are a lot of people who are better than you! No one here needs you!”

“You are an artist? Please! You are nothing!”

“You are always acting like you are the center of attention but nobody really gives a fuck about you or your stuff!”

“Wake up!”

That’s when I opened my eyes and saw a worried Alice kneeling in front of me. I gasped and took her upon my arms. We were holding each other in a nook of that small office, both of us taken aback.

“What did you hear?” –I asked her after a while, scared of her response.

“I heard enough. I just didn’t know how to act or what to do… it felt like I was seeing a ghost, I was shocked.”

“I’m sorry.” –I felt a tear run down my cheek, frightened and very disappointed of myself. What happened? How did I end up weeping in fetal position?

“It’s okay.” –She said. “I’m sorry I didn’t react at time.”

“What did exactly ensue?”

“I was resting… but I wanted some water, when I got up, I heard something fall, like a glass was broken.” –I nodded. “When I came here you were blaring and it seemed that you were talking to some invisible person, I don’t know. There were tears in your eyes and you seemed very hurt somehow.” –She looked below.

“Keep going.” –I encouraged, very curious but guilty at the same time, it felt like I was selfishly making her suffer.

“I called your name several times but I think you didn’t hear me.” –Her voice cracked. “Then you started to whisper some weird things and you crawled on the floor, and you started swinging and howling and shaking your head and…” –She broke on crying right there. I hugged her and tried to comfort her. After some moments she talked again. “I felt so powerless and I didn’t know what to do! I’m sorry I let you go through that…”

“It’s okay Alice; it’s not your fault. I still have a couple issues left to take care of.” –I smiled sadly, as I caressed her face with my fingertips, wiping away the tears rolling down her cheeks. I felt her weakness only by listening to her voice, so fragile. “Just forget about this and let’s get breakfast.”

“Will you talk to Johnny about this? Because I think you should…” –She spilled, in a recovered tone.

“I told you to forget about it, Al!” –I hadn’t noticed, but my voice was too loud, and I think it was rude of me to react like that; she was only concerned about me. “I’m sorry…” –I whispered. “Look, Ally, of course I will talk to him about this, baby. But by now I can’t do anything!” –I took her from her chin and lifted her face. “I only want to have a happy meal with my girlfriend, is it too much to ask?” –She shook her head and looked away without saying another word.

We went to a fast food restaurant near my house and ordered the breakfast service. It was very crowded that day, and I remember that wasn’t a very famous place; in fact, I had never seen so many people there… Well, maybe it became more popular among all this time that passed.

She picked a table as I got the food, not forgetting to choose the healthiest plate for her. We began to eat and the whole situation started to get weird, at least for me. “Won’t you start a conversation, Al?” –I thought.

That entire clamor I didn’t mind at first was now the only thing I could think of. The people talking, the sound of the cheap porcelain sliding on the old wooden tables, the pathetic and senseless music that came out from the speakers, the annoying bell of the entrance, the sound of the straws being slipping in and out of the drink containers, the annoying sound of the silverware crushing against the dishes, stabbing the food and being violently directed by people into their own mouths, the napkins being creased and hastily thrown on the ground, some idiots talking on the phone, exasperating children cried driving me mad with their fucking whining and their noisy heartbeats…! Damn! I hate kids!

It was everything so goddamn frustrating not being able to eat in peace! All those awful noises that came from nowhere but everywhere! I was now so furious… All my hunger was gone and I didn’t even want to swallow that piece of meat I had been chewing the whole time.

I tried to hold on my anger; I really did, but even the slightest mosquito that flied near me utterly bothered me. Every sound became louder and louder each instant that passed.

“Could you please pass the ketchup?” –I miraculously heard Alice. Some seconds passed by and I
still didn’t reply. “Hello?” –She waved her hand in front of my face.

“Sorry!” –I exclaimed, handing her the little tomato sauce packet, adjusting myself to the seat and blinking a couple of times repeatedly.

“Thanks.” –She looked at me. “What’s wrong with you?”

“A lot of things are.” –I thought. I wasn’t going to joke about it, of course. I think Ally was mad at me because that little thing that happened home. “Nothing is. Why’s that question? I’m just eating.” –I said, getting a sip of juice.

“I don’t mean now!” –She blurt out. “I mean always!”

“I don’t think I quite understand…” –I said.

“You are always so sweet with me and you try to make me feel alright with who I am and all that bullshit and you don’t even try to get help!” –I frowned. “You are always being so fucking positive
around me! Why? Why do you always try to excite me with fake realities?”

“I want you to be happy!” –I calmly spilled.

“Happy? That is not happiness! I’m not happy! Not like that! I’ve always loved our friendship because I thought it was a true one! We are supposed to be together in our ups and downs…” –She looked down and sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, I know you’ve been there for me, but what about me? Why am I always so fucking needed?”

“Alice, you don’t get it…” –I spoke.

“I don’t get it? Come on! I completely do! I’m a fucking mess and you are always fixing me! But you are also important! You are my best friend; you are my girlfriend, you are everything I got! What about you? I am never there to help you! You have some problems much difficult to deal with and you still try to force yourself to deal with mine?” –Her voice was composed now. “I want you to be healthy! I want you to be glad of life! I want you to be with me! And you cannot be any of them with all these issues on the wait list!”

“I am happy! I am happy with you!” –I said, feeling tears forming in the back of my eyes.

“You are not. You want to think you are, but you are not happy!” –She took my hands. “Look, I want to listen to you just like you listen to me. I want you to break on crying on my arms just like I do in yours! I want you to feel you have someone to count on. I am not a little girl anymore and you aren’t either. I want you to tell me how you feel, what you see, what you hear, what makes you sad, the illusions, the disorders, the cuts, the numbness…”

“I can’t do that Alice!” –I yelled, then, I looked around, thanking God nobody had heard me.

“Why can’t you?”

“Because I don’t want to lose you!” –I squeezed her hands as I lowered my head to the floor, letting the tears fall.

“You will not lose me!” –She said. “Look at me.” –She whispered as she let go of my hands and caressed my face. “You won’t lose me, baby.”

“That’s what you don’t know! Just days ago you were lying on a hospital bed! I’ve almost lost you again! You don’t know how much I suffered! You don’t know! All those days I was being a rock, but just thinking about you dead made me want to follow you! I can’t live without you! You have helped me! You have fixed me! You saved me! And I need to pay you back at least making you feel the happiest you can!”

“By telling lies?”

“I have never lied to you, Alice! Ever! I just…”

“You just don’t share the whole truth.” –She shook her head. “But that’s what matters the last to me. I know I’m not the only person who you hide the truth from.”

Goddammit.

“Jonathan has been the best psychiatrist AND friend he could be! And you can’t even help him to help you? That’s the pits, girl.”

“I cannot just tell everything just like that! It needs time!”

“How much time?”

“Just a little bit more…” –I murmured.

“ Just a little bit more… You would be either mad or dead already!”

“I’m sorry! I am fucking sorry…” –I sobbed.

“Don’t be sorry!”

“No! I’m sorry! Okay? I am sorry! Just please stop attacking me… I know I’m a failure and that I need to be strong!”

“What? No! You are not a failure! You don’t get it!” –She looked at me right in the eyes. “Honey, you are a wonderful person! That’s the reason I care so much about you! I love you, and I wouldn’t ever attack you! These problems are not your fault! But it is your decision if you want to solve them! You need help, so do I.”

“What kind of help?” –I could feel my own voice very acute owed to the crying.

“Professional help, and we’ll also help each other! You and I will talk to John, and we’ll solve this together.” –She knew what she was talking about.

“How?” –I inquired.

“…We’ll find a way.” –She said. “We’ll start by being true. Not saying we’re fine when we’re not.”

“That shouldn’t be very hard, right?” -I half stated half asked.

“It won’t if we put some effort.” –She grinned. There was something that told me that everything was going to be okay for the two of us, and her beautiful smile just ensured me of what I felt.