I Will Hold You When No One's Around

I will hold you when no one’s around.
16- Too weak to live

My skin itches already, my heart pounds, my hands shake as it calls me… drawling me to an addiction that could easily take over someone’s life.

There’s no beating it… So why not give in? It’s all you think about. It’s in your head 24/7. You could be in the happiest mood with your loved ones and still have triggers. That’s what it does; it takes over your life slowly, day by day, until, somehow, it’s the only thing you can look forward to.

I want to smile and cry so badly.

I want to run, I want to rest.

I want to scream, I want silence.

I want someone, I want aloneness.

I want to live, I want to die.

I want to stop, I want to go on.

I want so many things, so many things… But I’m not sure of which ones I really do need.

Do you know that feeling you get when you’ve decided to eat healthy but suddenly a terribly appetizing piece of cake appears in front of you… All fresh and beautiful… and you can’t resist? It’s a feeling so awful and enjoyable…

You are disappointed of yourself but so proud, you feel guilty but at the same time you feel it’s a very fair thing… Jesus Christ, who’d tell? Anyways, you know you can stop whenever you want to. Sure, if you only had the will to let go…

…Get away of that tasty, tasty thing… MMMM!

No, it’s just too… yummy.

You’ve failed. Your diet is dead and you killed it within a record time.

Well, Right now, I was having a mouth-watering piece of death, a delectable, luscious bite of delicious pain. It fills you with happiness and sorrow. Amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It felt even better without alcohol in my system. I could feel it clearer and well again.

I started counting my open wounds, suddenly. I myself had made 20 deep, parallel cuts all across my right arm. I wandered why Alice wasn’t home yet.

“Is it she forgot about me?”

“Doesn’t she love me anymore?!”

I felt numb, hurt, sick, sensitive and gross… like a freak. I couldn’t take out this thought of me, breaking a promise that meant so much, again.

Alice.

But… relapse?

21.

“Shit.” –I whispered. What can I do? That girl that was my life may now be opening a door that takes her to depression… I can’t do this! I am supposed to take care of her!

Why am I so goddamn weak? I’m always fucking things up! How can I take care of her when I can’t even take care of myself? Just look at me! I’m bathed in my own blood. What is my idea of taking care of her?

“We’ve had this conversation already…” –I heard. Fuck.

“Maybe we have, but I don’t remember.” –My other self seemed double.

“We have, but she doesn’t remember.” –Triple.

What?

Me, myself and I. There were three people that looked just like me, apart of the fourth girl, that was sitting in the bathroom stall holding herself from what seemed a dream, rather a nightmare.

“What is happening?” –I shout, covering my eyes, not caring about getting my face full of gore. It was no use, though; I still could see them… they were identical to my first tulpa, but in a more disproportionate way.

“Why did you do that last cut?” –One of the monsters in front of me asked… I didn’t say anything.

“ANSWER!” –The other one shout.

“I don’t know!” –I nervously replied.

“You do know. It was because of that girl.” –The first one spilled.

“You don’t do those things for people like her.”

“She’s not worth it.”

I was having a panic attack, again.

I felt trapped inside a cage, I could hear a terrible melody coming out of nowhere, and it became stronger and louder every passing second. My eyes, my hands…

They were yelling, in what felt like sterspersed mutes and shouts, tearing me down with words I thought I couldn’t ever hear, making me suffer, taking away my sanity, inserting disturbing images in my mind, making me swallow my own human essence, I screamed to the noise I heard and got a response with nothing but the same.

Suddenly, I heard all behind that entire racket, a little whisper.

“Open your eyes.” –A fragile voice requested.

“I can’t!” –I said out loud. “I’m scared!”

“Don’t be. Open your eyes.”

Boom.

It all disappeared; I was in front of the bathroom mirror. Looking at the massacre I had committed.

“Do you want to do this for the rest of your life?” –The kind voice spoke again.

“No…” –I answered, getting on my feet and walking towards the phone. I was going to call Jonathan right away. I needed him.

I took a quick bath, trying to get all that red evidence off my pale skin. I was scared of being alone again, and for the whole time under the shower I wasn’t able to stop thinking about what had happened. I mean, sure, it was not for less; I had fucking had a panic attack, but it was weird, speaking from previous experiences.

Already in the waiting room, I couldn’t wait to get inside and tell everything to him. As soon as the
door opened, I started puking words.

“It didn’t last long… In fact, I hadn’t ever lived a weirdest situation than this. And that voice… Jesus
Christ, that voice scared the shit out of me at first, and I thought it was another me playing well…
with me!” -I explained Johnny.

“I understand… But you ended up trusting in that voice, didn’t you?” –As always, he made typical questions for totally untypical circumstances. I wonder how he values everything I say.

“Yes, I did. But at first I was very scared that was going to be a trap. I hesitated a lot if I should open
my eyes once it talked to me, but then I thought… What do I have to lose? Myself? That’s already
done.”

“Can you distinguish any of those subjects you saw today? Any of them… have you seen them before?” –He asked.

“They’re me.” –I said, with trembling hands I traced on my skin the marks I had left in it some hours ago.

“And how do you feel about them? What do you see in them?”

I mocked at myself when he asked that. After a serious gaze coming from him, I told him. “Those monsters… they live in me, they are in my head. They are in my mind every passing second. But I had never seen them like this.” –I looked him in the eyes, and with my frightened gaze, I told him what I had been trying to tell him from the first time. “They are me, and they want to kill me.”

“They are you and they want to kill you…” –John inquired, trying to catch up.

“Yeah… but I deserve it, though; I’m a sinner.” –Tears started rolling down my cheeks.

“Don’t say that…” –He planned on continue talking, but I didn’t let him.

“I’m a horrible person who doesn’t deserve shit. I’ve fucked up a lot of things… mostly the ones I care
about. I can’t even keep a promise fuckdammit!”

“It’s okay, everybody makes mistakes, and everybody needs a second opportunity to fix them.” –He said.

“I got that second opportunity already, and I lost it! I even got my third chance of fixing things… and I really am trying! But when it seems I’ve got to get something right it fucking rags down again and again…” –My voice broke, my phone rang. I had a new text.

“Hey babe, it’s me, Alice. I just got home from karaoke with the boys and I couldn’t find you anywhere, so I went to my house. Where are you? Answer me. xo”

“So she realized I wasn’t there, and still, she decided to have fun with a pair of homosexual strangers instead of looking for me. I might have been kidnapped! What the hell is wrong with her?!” –I said out loud.

“What?” –The doctor seemed confused, I didn’t blame him.

“We went to the beach and we had some struggles there. Some boys came to us and started insulting her and me. Then, two gay dudes defended us and invited us to karaoke. Then, this woman who was in charge of the place started judging again and it was awful and I got sick of it and I ran away.” –I rapidly spilled, giving him my cell phone with the message opened.

“I don’t know what to say…” –He really seemed speechless. “What are you going to answer?”

“Me neither. I’m so angry I could kill someone.” –I said, while writing down some words on my phone.

“Thanks for worrying so much about me, your concern is visible. I am alive, good, thanks. I’m with Johnny. I’ll go HOME in a minute. C U there. Love ya.”

“You are not being serious, are you?”

“Of course I am not being serious you silly. I’m just angry… I am a little disappointed of her.” –I said, clearing my throat and drying my tears.

“Oh, don’t make a big deal out of it, love. She just went having fun. And by the way, how has she been? How’s her theme with bipolarity going?” –He asked, trying to change the topic.

“She’s okay, I think. She’s been distracted, clearly, but it’s nothing.” –I said, rolling my eyes in annoyance.

“I notice you are not very happy talking about this.” –Oh, thank you, Captain Obvious. “Okay, let’s leave it aside. Where were we? How are you?”

“I don’t know.” –I sobbed. “I was good.” –After a disturbing, long silence I spoke. “I was good and I was who I had to be!” –I laughed, ironically. “Everything was perfect until she made me fall in love and she fucking ruined my life!” –God, no. I adored her.

“It was ruined already, honey…” –The thing in my head called.

“SHUT UP!” –I openly yelled, covering my face with my hands, as I use to, and became a sobbing human ball.

“I believe you need some soothing…” –I heard Johnny’s voice.

“No, Johnny, please, please…” –I spilled.

“Be calm, it’s okay, this is what people like you need, they need to be calmed down like this because they can’t calm down by themselves.”

“No… don’t say that! Please! Don’t do this to me, Johnny…! I don’t need more soothing pills… I’m not crazy… please.” –I begged. After a moment I felt a pair of arms grab my waist. I opened my eyes.

“I didn’t say a word.”

“No, but you did.” –He shook his head in denial.

Terrified, I looked at him. Questioning my mental health, or at least, what little remains of it. Now this was fucking going to kill me. It’s weird to see another me already, it goes without saying I’ve seen three me’s already, in monstrous versions. Now I can fucking imagine other people too?

Fuck no. This couldn’t be true.

“I’m not okay, am I?” –I asked.

“I’m sorry…”

After a moment, I remembered how needed I was. I really depended on so many disposable things.
Excessive foods, excessive work, excessive cutting, excessive me’s…

…Excessive Alice.

“I need to go. We’ll finish tomorrow, okay?” –And without giving it a second thought, I went out,
heading home, not caring about whatever my shrink had said.