I Miss You, I'm So Sorry

Rian’s P.O.V.

Two weeks had passed since Jack and Alex’s little episode outside the club, and Rian could honestly say that he was beginning to get extremely worried about Jack. On what little occasion did Rian see the man who was staying with him, he was either completely wasted or hung over and smelling like sex and stale alcohol.

Rian wasn’t entirely sure what Jack was trying to achieve by sleeping with as many men as possible, because it certainly didn’t seem to be making him any happier. If there was one thing Rian knew about Jack, it’s that he knew alcohol wasn’t the answer to anyone’s problems. In fact, in high school Jack was always the one who stayed away from the stuff.

Normally Jack would return home most nights and pass out on Rian’s sofa, consequently stinking out his front room. But Jack hadn’t returned back to Rian’s for three nights now, and Rian would be lying if he said it wasn’t making him anxious.

Chewing at his thumbnail nervously, Rian sat with one arm slung around Cassadee’s shoulders as she rubbed soothing circles onto the back of his hand that she was holding in her own.

“He’s hurting.” She had said simply. “Plus he’s trying to prove a point to Alex, and to himself. He has every right to sleep with whoever he wants, so I guess he’s just trying to rub that in Alex’s face a little more.”

Rian had just nodded dumbly at all she had to say, because women tended to know these things and as a man Rian wasn’t about to question her. Despite Rian thinking he was a bit of an asshole for all this, he couldn’t help but feel slightly sorry for Alex.

Rian had witnessed just how broken and messed up Alex had been when Jack left, and he could totally understand why Alex wasn’t throwing his life away for Jack. Jack had left Alex here with some serious trust issues, and Rian wasn’t sure whether that would ever change.

Rian and Cassadee both jumped at the sound of the front door being pushed open so hard that it banged against the wall behind it, followed by a groan of pain. A couple of seconds later Jack staggered into the room wearing a dark pair of sunglasses, and a t shirt that Rian didn’t recognise and that was at least 4 sizes too big for him.

Rian noticed the limp as Jack walked, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little disgusted by it. He never thought Jack would just let someone use him like that.

For a second Jack just sort of stood in the doorway dumbfounded, before flicking the living room light off and sighing in relief. Giving Rian a sympathetic look, Cassadee patted his knee awkwardly and stood up.
“I’m gonna get going now Ri, I love you.”
“I love you too, see you tomorrow.”

The pair shared a quick kiss making Jack grimace, and just as Jack was about to sneak out of the door after Cassadee Rian stopped him.

“Jack, where the fuck have you been?!”
“Just out and about. Nowhere interesting.”

Rian would be lying if he said he wasn’t getting a little angry now, because Jack was treating his house like a fucking hotel or something.
“Is your goal out of these last two weeks to catch a fucking STD or something?! Or do you just enjoy making us all worry about you?”

Jack sighed and cradled his head in his hands as Rian’s voice got louder, and he groaned in pain as he pulled the sunglasses off of his head. Upon closer observation Rian could see prominent bruises on his skinny wrists, and several bite marks and hickeys on his neck.
“Look Ri do we really have to talk about this now? I’m hung over as fuck and I’ve barely slept for the past three nights.”

“I really don’t give a shit how hung over you are, and if you’re looking for sympathy you’re not gonna get it from me. Sit down and tell me what the fuck has been bothering you so much.”

Jack sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically, before huffing and plopping down onto the sofa next to Rian. Looking at the sadness in Jack’s big brown eyes and the dark circles underneath them made Rian’s anger ebb away almost immediately, and he rubbed Jack’s knee comfortingly as he waited for Jack to speak.

“Do you know how much it fucking sucks seeing the person you love with someone else Rian?”

Rian sighed and shook his head, because no, he didn’t know what that felt like. There had been a few high school crushes that had ended badly, but he himself had never actually experienced that gut wrenching feeling of pure jealousy and hopelessness that he was sure Jack must have been feeling.

“There was a tiny part of me that half expected things to be peachy when I finally came home, that Alex would have been waiting to fall back into my arms as soon as I walked back into his life. But… But I guess he just found someone else to fill the space that was left behind.”

Jack lay back on the sofa as he spoke the last sentence, and this time Rian just let him. He really looked like he needed some rest, and Rian felt too sorry for him to give him a hard time.
By the time Rian had reached the open door tiny little snores were escaping Jack’s slightly parted lips, and Rian smiled sadly at him before closing the door quietly as he left the room.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Alex’s P.O.V.

Alex moaned in bliss as his entire body went rigid and he came down the back of his boyfriend’s throat, watching as Craig sat up licking his lips and then wiping them on the back of his hand.
Craig smiled sweetly and lay down beside Alex yawning, keeping about 30 centimetres between them because he knew that Alex didn’t like to cuddle.

“Thanks for that baby.” Alex spoke from under a yawn and he stretched his arms up above his head, sighing in satisfaction at the way his bones cracked.

“It’s alright; you looked like you needed it. You’ve been really down for the last week or so.”

He looked concerned for Alex as he rolled over onto his stomach so that he could look him in the eye, and Alex plastered a huge fake smile on his face.
“Me? I’m fine babe.”

Craig didn’t look entirely convinced with Alex’s answer, but he dropped the subject anyway, something Alex was extremely glad about. He really didn’t need to be thinking about Jack any more than he already had been recently.

The two of them laid in silence and Alex sighed in relief, because it was a very rare and splendid opportunity for Craig to stop talking long enough for things to be peaceful. Alex had always preferred the boy when he was quiet.

Alex made a loud sound of agitation at the obnoxious sound of his ringtone piercing the silence of his bedroom, and for a second he almost didn’t get up to answer it. Though he got up anyway, because there was a tiny part of his brain hoping that it would be Jack on the other end of the call.

Swiping his phone up from his bedside table, Alex walked groggily from his room into the hallway so that Craig wouldn’t be listening in to his call. Alex would be lying if he said his heart didn’t sink a little when the caller ID told him that it wasn’t Jack on the other end of the phone.

“Sup Rian.” Alex spoke through a yawn and he leant up against the wall to support his body.
“Hey Alex. You alright?”
“Yeah yeah, I’m good. Um not to sound rude, but why are you calling?”

Alex was pretty certain that in all the years he had known Rian, he had never called Alex up just for a friendly chat.

“Yeah um the reason I’m calling… The reason I’m calling is Jack.”
“Don’t wanna hear it Ri, I’m going now.”

Alex was lying obviously; of course he wanted to hear about Jack. He was far too proud to admit that though, so he moved the phone away from his ear about to hang up, just as Rian shouted “Wait!” from the other end.
“What now Rian?”
“Look its important okay? I’m a little worried about him, he’s really hurting.”
“Pfft yeah, he really looked hurt and upset whilst making out with that random guy at that club.”

Though Alex was making out that he didn’t care about what Jack was feeling, he still got a little sick feeling in his stomach at the thought of Jack being upset.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t care Alex, because we both know you do. Look I’m not asking you to fucking name your firstborn child after him, just… just talk to him yeah? That’s all he wants.”
“Err Rian I think you’re forgetting that he’s the one that walked away from me the other night. Anyway, how do you know he’s hurting? For all you know he could be putting it on for sympathy or whatever.”

If there was one thing that Alex knew about Jack, it was that he very rarely openly talked about his feelings. And if he ever did he would just crack a joke hallway through.

“You know what he’s like when he’s upset, he just does stupid shit.”
“What kind of stupid shit?”

Alex sensed Rian’s hesitation on the other end of the phone, so he crossed the hallway to where there was a little chair that he could perch on.

“Just stupid shit… like getting wasted and not coming home till the morning.”
“And that’s the only stupid shit he’s been doing yeah?”

Alex could tell that Rian was withholding information, and Alex wasn’t going to leave this spot until Rian told him. Knowing how stubborn Alex could be, Rian sighed in defeat as he answered Alex’s question.

“He… He’s been sleeping around a lot too Alex, and it doesn’t look like these people are particularly gentle. He came back earlier with a fucking limp.”

As this new information processed in Alex’s brain, a wave of nausea washed over Alex, making him feel sick to his stomach. Not only did he detest the idea of Jack sleeping with other people, but the fact that they actually had the nerve to hurt him.

After the nausea had passed it was replaced with anger, so strong that Alex felt his face start to heat up and his hands started shaking. This anger wasn’t only directed at Jack’s fuck buddies, it was also directed at Jack himself. Even though Alex knew he had no right to be angry at Jack, he couldn’t help but feel slightly betrayed that he would sleep with other people.
Suddenly the word “hypocrite” sprang to mind.

“…Alex are you still there?”
Alex had obviously taken longer to reply than he had thought, because Rian actually sounded a little worried. Taking a deep breath in and running a hand through his hair, Alex attempted to shake some of the anger he had been previously feeling.

“Yep, still here.”
“You sound pissed off.”
“I am pissed off.”
“You have no right to be.”
“I know.”

There was a moment of silence between the two in which Alex was calming down and Rian was patiently waiting. Alex was the first to break the silence.
“Look maybe… maybe I’ll drop by later or something. Not that I care if he sleeps with other people, I just don’t want them hurting him.”
“Sweet! Thanks Al, I’ll see you later.”
“I said maybe I would drop by! Maybe”

Alex’s last words were in vain however, because Rian had already hung up the phone.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Alex knocked on the door of Rian’s house, and seconds later said man opened it, grinning sheepishly at Alex.
“Hey bud, thanks for coming. Listen… Jack doesn’t actually know you’re coming tonight so he’s not exactly visitor ready.”

Alex nodded, following Rian inside and shutting the door behind him. Alex shrugged his jacket off and straightened out his tight fitting black polo. He had deliberately worn something that he knew looked good on him, but he wasn’t sure why. Probably because there was always going to be that small part of him that wanted to impress Jack.

As they entered the living room Alex had to let his eyes adjust to the sudden darkness before he could see anything. The only source of light in the room was coming from the television in front of them, which Jack was staring intently at whilst curled up in a ball on one end of the sofa.
He was also wearing his glasses, and no matter how hard Alex tried not to, he smiled at the sight.

When Rian switched the light switch on Jack tore his eyes away from the television and they landed straight on Alex. He looked kind of surprised as he sat up, and Alex didn’t miss the way he winced as he sat down on his ass.
“Hey Alex.”
“Hey Jack.”

Rian left the room, closing the door behind him as he went. Jack patted the space on the couch next to him, and as he retracted his hand Alex saw the bruises on his wrists. They were a bluish purplish colour so they were obviously fairly recent, and there were finger nail marks over the top of them.

Jack had obviously noticed him staring because he retracted his hand blushing as Alex sat down a good few inches away from Jack, watching as Jack turned to face him properly.

“Listen Lex… I’m sorry about the other night, I really am, and I don’t wanna fight with you. I didn’t mean to start an argument or whatever-“

He stopped short because he must have noticed the way Alex was looking intently at the hickeys and bite marks that seemed to litter his entire neck. When Alex spoke again his tone of voice sounded way more bitter than he had intended.
“Well haven’t you been busy for the past couple of weeks.”

Jack looked at his lap in shame and started picking at a loose thread on the hem of his t shirt (one that definitely wasn’t Jack’s, because it was at least 3 sizes too big).
Alex kind of felt bad for making him uncomfortable, so he sighed sadly and shuffled a few centimetres closer to him.

“Look I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be making you feel bad about sleeping with other people just because I’m a jealous selfish pig.”

“I don’t understand you.” Jack whispered, looking at Alex through his thick eyelashes and the lenses of his glasses.

“What do you mean?”
“Well you clearly don’t want me, but at the same time you don’t want other people to have me either. It’s kinda… self-centred of you to be honest.”

Alex laughed bitterly at that, shaking his head and trying to think of something to come back with.
“The reason I don’t want people to have you is because I want you, but unfortunately for us both I’m not as naïve as I used to be. I can see a time bomb a mile off Jack, and me and you would just tick away until one of us explodes. It wouldn’t be fair on either of us.”

His words were harsh, but Alex knew they were true. The type of love Alex had for Jack was too passionate, too dangerous. It could never end well.

Jack nodded, but he looked like his mind was in a different place. He was gazing intently at the floor and chewing his thumbnail, making Alex feel a little awkward as he didn’t really know what to say next.

“So you go back to your boyfriend and I go back to my fuck buddies?”
Jack’s voice was void of emotion as he spoke, and he was still staring at the floor, effectively avoiding all eye contact.

“I… I guess so yeah.”

Jack looked Alex in the eye then, and even though he looked sad and tired and rough, he still looked pretty. His hair was tousled from the couch cushions and his glasses were askew and there were huge dark circles under his eyes, but to Alex there was no one who could ever compare to him.

It was the shittiest and most pointless deal in the world because Jack didn’t want his fuck buddies and Alex didn’t want Craig, but as usual Alex’s fear of happiness and love was getting in the way again.

“Just… Just choose a gentler lay next time yeah?”

For some reason those words seemed to anger Jack, because suddenly he was looking at Alex with anger pooling in his dark eyes.
“Why do you care? What if I like it when they hurt me?”
“I don’t wanna talk about th-“

But it seemed Jack was just getting started. He leant back and lifted his shirt a little, exposing his hips that were covered in bruises.
“What if I told you that I moaned like a fucking porn star when he gave me these? What if I told you that I was begging him for it?”

“Jack.” When Alex spoke his voice came out as more of a growl than anything. “I. Do. Not. Want. To. Hear. This.”
He took a deep breath in, trying to control the anger and jealousy that was threatening to take over his body.

“Why not Alex? I mean it’s not like you have any right to be jealous . Why don’t you want to hear about my sex life? Why don’t you want to hear about how fucking good Tom was last night?”

“You’re a fucking asshole you know that?”

“Yeah well, takes one to fucking know one Alex.”

Alex stood up then, still shaking with anger as he exited the front room. Just before he reached the front door a bewildered looking Rian came out of the kitchen, but Alex ignored him and slammed the door on his way out.