I Miss You, I'm So Sorry

Alex’s P.O.V.

Alex wasn’t sure what had him knocking at Rian’s front door the next day, but it sure as hell was an urge that he couldn’t ignore for any longer. He guessed there was a part of him that was extremely curious as to whether Jack was alone, as all Alex had been thinking about since yesterday was a nameless blonde haired man.

The thought of Jack with someone else had been making Alex feel physically sick as he had sat in his apartment alone this morning, before he had finally decided to go out. He hadn’t left his apartment with the intentions of turning up here, but it was like some sort of gravitational pull, pulling him to Jack constantly like a never ending cycle.

Alex took a deep breath as he heard footsteps approaching on the other side of the door, and he tapped his foot impatiently as he heard the locks clicking. Finally the door swung open revealing a tired looking Rian.
“Alex what the fuck? It’s 9 in the morning bro.”

Alex was surprised at the time, as he was sure he had been sat procrastinating in his apartment for at least an hour. He must have been up earlier than he had originally thought.

“Oh uh sorry, can I come in?”

Rian nodded sleepily and rubbed at his eyes as he stood back, shutting the door behind him. Alex followed him into the kitchen, having to stop himself from peeking into the living room. Rian rolled his eyes as though he had read Alex’s mind, and spoke to him as he sat down at the kitchen table.
“He’s not here. I’m guessing that’s why you’re at my house at 9 in the morning?”

Alex huffed at Rian’s smirk and avoided eye contact.
“Where is Jack then?”
“He stayed at a friend’s last night.”
“Oh… I see.”

Alex didn’t even bother hiding his flinch at that; he had been masking his emotions too much recently to care enough to hide it. Images of Jack and a gorgeous blonde guy together floated through Alex’s brain, making him shudder.

“I said he slept at a friends house Alex, stop jumping to conclusions.”
“What made you think I was jumping to conclusions? I said nothing.”
“You think I don’t notice the way you flinch every time I mention him?”

Alex huffed and flopped down onto the chair opposite Rian, deciding to ignore his last statement. He began to pick at a loose piece of thread on the oversized jumper he had on, sighing sadly as he felt Rian’s stare boring into his head.

Rian stood up suddenly, pulling Alex up by the arm and effectively yanking him out of his seat.
“Come on buddy, let’s go and watch some TV or something. He’ll be home soon probably.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It had been so long since Rian and Alex had hung out together like this, and Alex could honestly say that he had forgotten how much he loved being around Rian. The man had a way of immediately brightening his mood, and after having spent the last two hours on his sofa watching daytime television with him, Alex was happier than he had been for a long time.

In a way it was like being thrown back in time, because when they were together it was like they had morphed back into the immature idiots that they had been in high school. Most of Alex’s fondest memories were of himself Rian and Jack watching TV together, laughing at things that weren’t even remotely funny.

It was times like these where Alex realised how much he valued Rian’s friendship, and he couldn’t believe that he had almost let it drift away. Honestly, Alex wouldn’t have been surprised if Rian hadn’t forgiven Alex after the way he had treated him after Jack left.

As the credits rolled on the shitty programme they had been watching, the sound of the front door banging against the wall behind it shattered the silence of the living room. Rian rolled his eyes as Jack cursed loudly, dragging what sounded like heavy carrier bags down the hall and into the kitchen.

“I went shopping Ri! And I got pizza!”
“You went shopping? I guess miracles do happen.”
“Shut your trap, smartass.”

Alex chuckled at their petty argument, and Rian looked at him as though he had forgotten Alex had been sat there at all. Picking up the remote, Alex started flicking through the channels as Rian called out to Jack in the kitchen again.
“Alex is here by the way.”

The clattering of things being put away stopped for a moment, and Alex and Rian sat in awkward silence waiting for Jack’s reaction. The two of them hadn’t exactly left on good terms the last time they had spoken. Finally the clattering started again and Jack’s voice floated through the open door.
“Hey Alex.”
“Hey Jack.”

Rian gave Alex a brief smile, as though he was proud of the two of them for being friendly to each other again.

Jack entered the living room a second later, offering a smile to the two of them before slumping down onto the armchair next to the sofa. His eyes lingered on Alex for a moment, making a blush creep up Alex’s neck.

“How was Dan’s?”
Alex swallowed thickly and acted as though he didn’t care about the answer Jack was about to give, when in reality he was listening intently.

“Yeah it was really nice thanks; we just stayed in all night. How was Cassaee’s?”
“It was lovely thanks.”

Finally the silence that had been threatening to take over won, leaving all three men in the room feeling awkward. The way Jack’s eyes were lingering on Alex wasn’t making things any easier, especially as every time Alex would make eye contact with him a huge swarm of butterflies would erupt in his stomach.

“Look, judging by the way you two are just staring at each other I’m guessing you need to talk, so I’m gonna make myself scarce. I’ll be back in a bit.”

Rian looked relieved to have an excuse to leave the awkward atmosphere of his living room, and he got up and closed the door softly behind him. After a couple of seconds of more silence, Jack sighed and was the first one to speak.

“I’m sorry for being an asshole last time you were here. I was just angry; I didn’t mean to upset you or whatever.”

Alex shrugged, playing with a loose piece of string on one of the sofa cushions.
“It’s fine, I’m sorry too. All we seem to be doing recently is upsetting each other and then apologising.”

Jack chuckled lightly and looked up at Alex from the armchair. He got up suddenly, walking over to where Alex was sat and plonking himself down beside him gracelessly. He sighed as he relaxed back against the cushions, his head lolling to the side so that he could look at Alex.

“I know, it sucks. We never used to fight, I don’t know what happened.”
“We grew up. We’re not in high school anymore unfortunately.”

There was a moment of silence between the two, in which Alex tried desperately to avoid direct eye contact with the man beside him.
“How’s things with your boyfriend?”

Alex cleared his throat before speaking, trying to make his voice sound as convincing as possible.
“Uh yeah, fine I guess. How’re things with your boyfriend?”

Alex was almost dreading the answer, even more so when he saw Jack’s face light up with a huge smile, a certain glint in his eye as he looked at Alex. He quirked a dark eyebrow questioningly, that huge smile still on his face.
“My boyfriend?”

“Yeah, the one I’ve been hearing so much about recently. The one who apparently looks like a fucking male model or something.”

Jack smiled even wider at the bitter tone of voice Alex was using, and then he laughed lightly before shaking his head.
“Ahh you mean Dan?”
“I don’t know his name Jack.” Alex sighed around his words, getting slightly irritated at the way Jack was still grinning.

“He’s just a friend.”
“So you haven’t fucked then?” Alex raised an eyebrow disbelievingly as he spoke, watching as Jack gnawed on his bottom lip nervously.

“Just because we’ve had sex doesn’t mean that he’s anything more than a friend to me.”

Alex nodded, feeling slightly queasy. He was struck with a sudden feeling of insecurity, knowing that he would never compare in the looks department to Dan. Even Alex’s own boyfriend had gone on about how gorgeous he was.

When Alex began to chew on his fingernails, Jack’s hand reached up and swatted them away, much like he had always used to when they were teenagers. He had always hated the nervous habit of Alex’s, saying that he had nothing to be nervous about so he didn’t need to bite his nails.

“Why are you here Alex?”
“I don’t know.” Alex answered truthfully.

Jack shook his head, half amusedly and half bitterly.
“You don’t know.”

“I just… I don’t know I just ended up here. I wanted to see you I guess.”

“You can’t just keep coming round after insisting you don’t love me back, it’s not very fair.”

“I never said I didn’t love you back.”

Jack looked at him properly then, and fuck, it made a shiver run down Alex’s spine just from the intensity of it. There was something in his eyes that made Alex’s face heat up, yet at the same time his entire body felt cold.

It was scary how conflicted and confused and downright crazy Jack could make him feel just by one look, but at the same time he knew that was the reason Alex kept on coming back. No matter how many times he told himself and Jack that they could never be together, his actions always ended up contradicting his words.

It was like there was some pulling force behind both Jack and Alex, because even as teenagers it had pained them to be apart. The force had only gotten stronger since Jack had been home, like the 5 years away from each other had only intensified the attraction, making it downright impossible for Alex to be away from Jack any longer.

Jack’s eyes travelled down Alex’s face where his gaze rested on his lips, and Alex’s entire body felt like it was paralyzed because of the intense longing he was feeling for the dark haired man in front of him. The two of them were sat close to each other, only about twenty centimetres between their lips, a gap that could be closed within a second.

And closing that gap seemed to be on Jack’s mind as much as it was on Alex’s , because suddenly he was grabbing Alex’s hand and pulling his body closer, making Alex’s mind reel as he assessed the situation.
Every voice in his head was telling him no, that this was bad, that it could never end well, whilst every instinct in his entire body was telling him yes, that this was good.

When Jack was close enough for Alex to feel his warm breath on his lips, Alex’s body effectively told his head to fuck off as he leaned forward and finally connected their lips.

And suddenly everything felt perfect. Alex’s entire body felt like it had reached boiling point, like at any second he could spontaneously combust into flames. It felt dangerous, and wrong, yet so perfectly right that he knew he couldn’t pull away.

So he pressed his body closer, gasping when Jack wrapped his arms tight around his waist whilst parting his lips gently with his tongue. Alex lifted a trembling hand up to Jack’s cheek, where he cupped his cheek and held his face, keeping his lips against his own.

Alex sighed in bliss when Jack’s tongue licked all around his mouth, effectively turning his thoughts to mush and his limbs to jelly. Alex was in such a state of happiness and contentment and pleasure that he was barely even kissing back anymore, just letting Jack ravish his mouth as Alex sat cradled in his arms.

Alex let out a whine of protest when Jack pulled away, smiling at him sweetly then pecking him on the nose. He proceeded to kiss every one of Alex’s facial features, even his eyelids when they fluttered closed, making a breathless laugh escape his still kiss swollen lips.

Jack turned Alex round on the sofa so that he was now facing forward, cuddling into his side cutely and making a sound of approval when Alex wrapped an arm around his shoulders. And yeah, Alex would openly admit that he had never ever felt as content and happy and blissed out as he did right now.

But of course the feeling didn’t last long, because the obnoxious sound of the front door opening and Rian greeting them pierced the silence of the room, making both men sigh simultaneously. They moved out of each other’s embrace, shifting so that they were sat on opposite ends of the couch.

And as Rian came into the front room he brought reality with him, making Alex stand up before Rian could utter a single word.
“I should get going.”

Rian looked confused if not slightly offended by Alex’s quick departure, but he let it slide anyway, offering Alex a small wave before flopping down on the sofa where Alex had been sat moments before.

“Bye Alex.”
Jack’s timid voice sounded from the sofa, and Alex offered him a small smile and wave before leaving the room.

“See you soon Jack.”

Alex showed himself out, taking a deep breath and running a hand through his hair on his way down the path. Why was it that every time he spent more than an hour alone with Jack they ended up making out?

Alex whipped his phone out of his back pocket, quickly checking the time before scrolling through the contacts. The cursor hovered over Jack’s name, and he quickly clicked on the ‘new message’ button.

Alex: That’s the last time that will be happening by the way

Alex pocketed his phone again after sending it, only to have to whip it back out again after Jack’s almost immediate reply.
Jack: Pretty sure you said that last time.
Alex: I mean it this time
Jack: Sure you do
Alex: I’ll see you soon?
Jack: Of course, it seems you just can’t stay away from me

Alex smiled widely, shaking his head and slowly walking home. He was in no rush.

And the smile that Jack had put on his face lasted all day.