A Face to Call Home

Harry was coming home today and I couldn’t help but to feel anxious to see him. It’s been about four months since I have last seen him in person and I couldn’t wait just to feel his touch again. Harry told me to stay in the flat today since the airport was going to be packed with fans and photographers. He told me he didn’t want me to suffer through all the chaos so he would call me when he landed and then he would come over.

It was around 5:40pm when my phone began vibrating on the small ottoman in front of the leather couch. I reached from my laying position and answered it immediately. “Hello?”

”Hey I just got off the aeroplane, I’ll be there in like an hour.” Harry’s soft accented voice spoke through the speaker.

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

“Okay.” He paused; sounds of screaming and shouting filled my ears, making me flinch at the loudness. If it weren’t for the screaming, I probably would’ve thought he had hung up but his melodic voice came through the speaker once again. ”I love you,” he finally said gingerly, making sure no one but me, heard it. It was strange. He sounded very tentative when he uttered out the word.

“I love you too,” I barely replied back before he hung up the phone. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion as I stared at the lit up screen. I eventually had put my phone down and started pacing around the small room, ignoring the soft murmur coming from the television. Harry hasn’t been as attentive towards me lately. He always had to go almost as soon as we started a conversation. He rarely said anything anymore and it was so unlike him. My eye flickered over to the small clock on the wall often and it felt like every minute went by very slowly as if it was taunting me. I finally retreated to the little kitchen after about thirty minutes and begun making a pot of tea to pass by time. My body jumped when I heard the front door open and close, and I looked over at the clock, confused. I know it hasn’t been an hour yet. I turned on my heel walking out into the living seeing Eleanor leaning against the couch, pulling her shoes off. I watched her head fall and her shoulders slump forward when her hands grabbed onto the couch after she pulled her shoes off. “Hey, I thought you working?”

“Oh, I got off early,” she informed me and gave me a weak smile as we walked into the kitchen when the whistling came from the teapot. I pulled the pot off the stove and placed it on the small hand towel. I reached into the cupboard above me and grabbed two coffee mugs, setting them on the counter. “Oh good, you made tea. That is very much needed right now.” A small chuckle fell from my lips and I put a small tea bag in each of the mugs. Eleanor took the teapot and poured the scorching water into the cups, steam flowing up immediately as the cold air touched the heat. I grabbed my own, dipping the bag in and out of it. “I’m going to go lay down for a bit, I’m beat.” I nodded and she took her tea, walking across the apartment to her room.

I heard a soft knock on the door after Eleanor closed her door quietly. I set my tea down onto the counter and maneuvered my way around the cluttered floor to the door. Harry’s curious green eyes came into my view, making my heart flutter when they connected with my blue ones. “You colored your hair,” was the first thing to fly out of his mouth. His hand reached up, taking a lock of my now brunette hair in between his fingers. I didn’t say anything and he let his hand drop to his side before walking through the door. I closed the door behind him and I turned my body, facing him. My breathing hitched when I discovered that his body was closer than I had anticipated and I lifted my head up to look at his flawless face. His hands took a hold of my face, pulling my lips to his and he pressed our lips together in a lingering, gentle kiss. “We need to talk, Kay.” I knew what those words meant and my heart twisted, it felt like someone had taken a knife and dug it into my chest, painfully.

His delicate hands fell from my face and he pulled back, creating distance between us. My eyes opened to see his somber emerald ones gazing down at me. I ignored the feeling that was showing in his eyes and gave him a small smile. “Do you want some tea? I just made some warm water,” I told him as I made my way to the kitchen. My mind began racing around the questions that were filling my brain. My hands shook slightly as I poured warm water into a mug, making it clatter quietly. I felt Harry’s chest press to my back softly as his hand reached around me, stopping my movements. He made me put the pot back down and then took a step back. I kept my back to him and I tried to focus on the bowl of sugar on the counter.

“Kaylin,” he said, trying to get my attention. My head lifted up from its downward position and I turned my body slowly, meeting his eyes. I leaned back against the counter, letting my hands grip the edge of the counter. His mouth opened and closed repeatedly, and I knew he was trying to find the right words to say. My eyes dropped from his, landing on the necklace hanging from his neck.

“Just do it and get it over with, Harry,” I muttered out. I saw his body tense slightly and his feet shuffle towards me like he was going to touch, but didn’t and kept a small distance between us. It was tensely silent in the kitchen and it made me wish that the other boys were here, running around being complete dumbasses. “Just fucking do it, Harry. The longer you stand there, the harder it gets.” His body flinched slightly at the curse word flying harshly from my mouth.

“I’m sorry, I just think it’s for the best,” he started hesitantly. “I don’t want to hold you back anymore. You deserve someone who will be there all the time for you and I can’t do that. I do love you, so very much but it’s only getting harder.”

My bottom lip began trembling and tears pooled in my eyes, blurring my image. I avoided his gaze, keeping my eyes focused on the floor. A tear fell from my eye when I tried to blink away the blurriness and I watched it as it splashed onto the floor.

“I wasn’t going to tell you, but the boys didn’t come home.” That’s why Eleanor seemed so upset. “I came here to see you in person,” he whispered out. The silence filled the air again while we stood in the kitchen, my sniffling echoing off the kitchen walls every so often. I wiped away my tears, frustrated.

I remember this one time when I was a freshman in high school, there was this boy named Dylan. I thought he was the best thing to ever walk the earth. He had those bright blue eyes, the dark hair and dark skin that any girl would fall for. I had admitted to one of my old girl friends that I had liked him and she told him. I didn’t mind at first but when I noticed Dylan doing everything he could to avoid me, I was upset with her for ever telling him. He totally rejected me saying that I wasn’t pretty and it broke my heart. The pain I felt then was completely trivial compared to what I was feeling right now. I felt like there was a knife being pushed deeper and deeper into my heart, and being twisted slowly.

The pain I was feeling was almost unbearable, crushing against my lungs and making it difficult to breathe. I felt like a set of weights have been tied to my ankles, pulling me deeper into a massive body of water, like I was drowning and I was fighting my way back up for air.

“I gave you everything,” I breathed out. Harry looked completely taken aback as the words fell from my mouth, like he hadn’t expected me to say something. “Why are you doing this?”

“I’m doing this because it’s completely necessary, Kaylin. I don’t want you to sit back here while I’m traveling, wondering what I would be doing right at the second. I don’t want you to miss me and wish I were with you. You don’t deserve that. You deserve someone better than me.”

“But I don’t want anyone else, I want you.” I watched his eyes soften as I said those words. “Why can’t I come with you?” I asked desperately. He shook his head, sighing.

“You have school and after that, you’ll have to go home to your family eventually, Kaylin.” My eyes flickered down glanced down at the frown that was foreign on his face.

“Harry, you are my home,” I whispered.

“No,” Harry said, shaking his head. “No, I am not your home, Kaylin. Your home is back in Tampa with your family.” I saw his flicker over to the digital clock on the microwave. “I have to go,” he told me, avoiding my gaze.

I didn’t cry or beg him to stay. I knew it was over and asking him to stay longer would only break me further. My eyes followed him as he made his way to exit the kitchen. He stopped at the archway and took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Goodbye, Kaylin.” Then he was gone.

My breathing quickened, my eyes watered and a sob pushed its way through my lips. I let my body slide down the cabinets and I hugged my knees, letting the tears fall freely. Eleanor appeared at the archway of the kitchen, calling out my name. The moment she saw me, she immediately ran over to me, cradling me into her arms. She let me soak her cotton shirt with tears and held me close, not saying a word. She didn’t ask any questions or urged me to say anything.

Harry was gone and everything I gave him, left with him, leaving me cold and empty.

Eleanor grabbed the hand towel from the counter and wiped away my tears. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered out softly, placing her hand on my cheek. I avoided her gaze when the next words were said.

“I know,” I muttered out.

But in my heart, I knew it would never be okay.