Love & Lust

I look up to see that we’ve arrived to Dan’s house. I look to him with asking eyes, knowing that if I let words through my mouth they would fail me and leave me with tears.

“I’ve got you okay, i’m not letting you go home when you’re like this. come on,” He says soothingly and gets out of the car, I follow suite.

He grabs my hand delicately and walks me to his front door where he fumbles his keys to unlock the door. Dan leads me to his bedroom upstairs and I head over to his big comfortable bed, curling up into a ball. I hate everything right now. I hate feeling like this. I just want to feel better. I don’t want to them fucking tears to keep escaping.

“Baby come here,” He says putting his shirt on the bed beside me.

I slowly sit up and he lifts my arms above my head, Dan pulls my shirt off and lays me down to remove my pants. He gently pulls me back up to dress me in his soft grey shirt. He kisses my temple and carries me to my side of his bed, tucking me in. He lays on his sides and with his left arm placed below his head supporting his weight and his right arm over my head; playing with my hair and brushing strands from eyes. He knows this is what calms me, he knows how to make me feel better. He looks into my eyes pained searching for answers. I know he wants to know what’s happened. And I know he’s just holding back, letting my pain subside before her begins to question. He is so perfect.

“I’m going to make you better okay. You’re going to stop crying beautiful girl,” He says kissing away the tears.

He climbs under the sheets to hold me in his warm embrace. I fall asleep to Dans delicate touches and sweet nothings whispered in my ear. When all this pain and terror is present, Dan is always here to balance things out. I thank my lucky charms every day that Dan is a man true to his word.

-----

My eyes flutter open and I bring my hands up to rub the sleep from my eyes.

“Goord morning, love,” Dan whisper ask as he kisses my forehead.

“Hi,” I smile tiredly looking up at him, I lean forward to give him a loving hug.

He blushes as I pull away and my heart flutters.

“How are you feeling love?” He asks quietly.

“Like proper shit,”

“I’ve never seen you so hurt and broken before,” He says nervously, not wanting to press me.

“I-I just feel so ashamed of myself, I’m so embarrassed.”

“It’s me, you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I have never and will never judge you,” He says full of certainty.

“Where’s my phone?” I ask hesitantly.

“It’s in y- oh it’s here,” Dan says as he reaches for my phone beside him.

I retrieve my phone from Dan and tap my way to last nights text messages from Harry. My eyes begin to water again as tears unintentionally fall onto those horrible words. I quickly find the beginning of our conversation of that day and thrust the phone into Dan’s chest. My heart still aching from the horrid misery of last night, I fall back onto the mattress and dig my face into my pillow. I feel Dan rubbing my back up and down in comfort as he begins to read.

Suddenly his hand is off me and I feel his weight retrieve from the bed. I slowly look up and see he’s walked away. Holy fuck. Shit, what have I done?

“WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT TO HER HARRY, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHE LOVES YOU AND YOU JUST FUCK HER OVER LIKE SOME OTHER GIRL YOU MET ON THE STREET. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT TO ANNA? YOU LOVED HER FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS, DID THAT MEAN NOTHING?” By now the tears are falling freely down my face as I hear Dan yelling furiously at Harry.

My heart hurts.

I make my way downstairs. Shaking and trembling. Dan comes into sight, he is red faced, veins visible on his neck, hands balled into fists. I’ve never seen him so mad.

“I’M NOT WITH HER YOU FUCKING PRICK. SHE WOULD NEVER BE WITH ME BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU, WHY CAN’T YOU BLOODY UNDERSTAND THAT?” He yells full of anger at the phone and guilt rushes through me.

“Dan, s- stop it,” I stutter as tears stain my cheeks.

I reach out for Dan and he looks at me full of sorrow.

“Calm down, please,” I whisper as he wipes my tears.

“Harry, I know. And i’ve apologized for that. That’s done and we’ve all moved on. I’m fucking sorry I slept with your girlfriend okay, how many times do I have to tell you. You can’t hold a grudge forever,” He says calmer.

Dan sits down on the sofa beside me. He pulls me into him and holds me close. I look up to him and brush the hair from his face.

“I don’t understand why you’d fuck with her like that. Did you forget how much you both loved each other, did you bloody forget how she still loves you? You’re a damn right twat for the way you treat her sometimes,” Dan spits in a way that wasn’t to insult him but to... inform him.

“Oh you know, but you continue to hurt her? She cried all fucking night because you’re the biggest knob head of all. I honestly cannot believe how you- how anyone could treat a female the way you do,” He says getting more heated.

“Dan stop, just hang up please,” I plead pulling his arm.

Reluctantly he ends the calls and looks me in the eye.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” He says, pain tracing his words.

“None of this is your fault,” I say to Dan, reaching for a tissue to wipe my tears.

“If it weren’t for me you’d be okay,” He looks at me and painfully speaks.

“Please stop blaming yourself because it’s pissing me off. Harry is the fucking twat that breaks my heart, I am the fucking idiot who still loves him somehow and you are just the perfect man stuck in the midst of it all. I want to fucking love you, so much. But I just know that if I let myself love you and be with you, Harry will do every single thing he can to hurt me or i’ll just still fucking be inlove with him. Everything is so fucked up right now. I want to give us a go. I really fucking do. I want to kiss you and do dirty things to you, I want to go to bed with you every night because I know you’ll be there in the morning, I want to introduce you to my friends, I want you, I want this and I want us. But I know deep in my heart that I love Harry. And I don’t want to throw away those five years we had together. Harry will always be in my heart and I can’t hurt you anymore. I don’t want to hurt you Dan,” I say through heavy breaths.

“Baby, you not hurting me is already fucking hurting me. I need you. I want to be with you. I need to be with you. I don’t care that you are still in love with him. Just let me show you love. Let me make you better. Let me love you,” Dan says eagerly.

How can I deny Dan. How can I deny my tingles and blushes and butterflies? Why is Harry still in the picture? How can I deny all these feelings- What if Dan can make me better? I’m such an idiot for ignoring my feelings for Dan. Fuck everything for being so god damn complicated. My life is fucked beyond belief.

“I love you so much,” Dan whispers as he grasps the sides of my face and pulls me in to hiss the side of my mouth

Without a thought i’m reaching to pull Dan down to me. He falls onto my body as i bring his closer. Confusion reads my eyes as i place my lips onto his. Instantly feeling that tingle i got when we first kissed. We kiss for what seemed forever, slowly become familiar with one another’s lips again and he pulls away to look at me questioningly.

“Let’s give this a go,” I smile weakly.

He looks me in the eye and he smirks. His eyes beaming with joy. He leans down and presses his lips onto mine.