Lost in This Hell

I felt Brian smile under my lips.

I broke away from our kiss and looked into his eyes.

“Are you sure you want to be with me?” I smiled up and him and pulled him down so our lips can connect once more. Brian wraps his arms around my waist and pulls my small body on top of his. I put my legs on either side of his hips and lean closer to his lips.

“Gross. I do not need to see this.”

Then leave.

“Hey little girl, I am your father you have to respect me.”

You are ruining this for me.

“Aw doesn’t that suck for you.”

I sighed and broke away from Brian. He looks up at me confused.

“What’s wrong, Kitten?” Brian rubs my hip bones softly.

I have to tell the truth.

“Not yet.”

But daddy, if im going to be with him, he has to know.

Daddy didn’t answer me back so now im really torn. I swing my leg over and sit next to Brian. I look down at my hands and frown.

Daddy help me, what do I do?

I heard daddy and Brian sigh. Brian scoots over and wraps his arms around me. I felt him kiss the top of my head and I close my eyes.

“Do what you think is best for your relationship.”

“Brian you have to know something.”

“What is it, Kitten?”

“Jimmy was the one who told me to come here.”

Brian pulls back and looks down at me like I have gone crazy.

“Kitten, Jimmy died almost a year ago.” Brian had a sad look to his eyes.

“I know that but ugh I don’t know how to explain this.” I throw my hands in the air and get up from the bed. I star pacing back and forth in front of Brian’s bed.

“Start from the beginning.” I nod and break into my story.

I tell him everything. From my family, to Jimmy. I told him about everything my brothers put me through. I told him every detail of my life. I stopped once I got to the part about Jimmy. I look up at Brian and sigh deeply once more.

“This is where Jimmy comes in.” Brian nods and sits on his bed looking down at his hands.

“A week before I left New York, Jimmy spoke to me in my head. At first I thought it was my imagination running wildly. But the day I met you in the cemetery he told me he was my guardian angel. I screamed at him and told him to leave me alone. After I felt him leave my head, I was lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I went to the cemetery thinking maybe he was there. He was but he let me think he wasn’t for a while. Jimmy told me he purposely pissed me off to get me to the cemetery. He told me he wanted me to meet someone. That someone was you.”

I stopped letting Brian think about what I just said. He looks up at me with tears in his eyes. I walk towards him and he pulls me in-between his legs. Brian rest his head on my chest and hugs me tight. I loosely wrap my arms around his neck and play with his soft brown hair.

“Is that it?” Brian’s voice was sad and was muffled a little by my hoodie.

“No, Jimmy stays in my head always. He talks to me every day. But I don’t know him as Jimmy anymore.”

Brian looks up at me and wait for me to get out what I need to say.

“Leana isn’t the only one I call my parent here. Jimmy became my father once he first spoke to me. He told me 3 months after he died he was assigned to me. Jimmy would sit on my windowsill every night for almost a year and watch over me. He was the only who always stood by my side even before I knew he was there. He became my dad; I look towards him for advice. He can come out of my head and make himself known. But he only does that when I really need him. The first time I saw when was a week ago when I got my tattoo. He told me that I was his daughter and that he loved me. He was the only who told me I can trust you. He said if I give you my heart you won’t break it. You are one of the only people he trusts with me. Johnny was the other. Before I came here you and the band was all he talked about.”
Brian had tears running down his face. I wipe them away and lightly peck his lips.

“Does anyone else know about Jimmy?”

“Yea momma knows. I couldn’t keep that from her.”

Brian smiles a little and hugs me tighter. I play with his hair and rock us.

“Aw so cute.”

“Fuck off Jimmy. Wait Jimmy?”

“Hey man.”

I smile up at Daddy when I saw him standing behind Brian. I grabbed Brian’s chin and made him look where Daddy was.

“Holy shit.” Brian walks towards Daddy and reaches a hand out to touch him. But it goes right through Daddy. Brian jumps a little and I went to stand right next to him. Brian looks down at me and grabs my hand tightly in his.

“Hey don’t curse in front of your girl that is rude.”

“Damn man your still the same annoying asshole.”

“But you love me.”

“Yeah I do, I also miss you man.”

“And I miss you too but you have my daughter in your life now. You need to move on from my death and be the man my daughter needs in her life.”

Brian looks down at me and pulls me closer to him. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and kiss my forehead. I wrap my arms around his hips and snuggle into his embrace.

“I will man, I promise you that no pain will ever come to her.”

“Good I hope you don’t let me down. But Alexa, Sweetheart, I promised you something and now you have it.”

I shake my head wildly knowing what he is going to say.

“Daddy no.”

He puts a hand on my cheek and kisses my forehead. Tears start flowing from my eyes.

“I love you Alexa. You will always be my daughter. Remember if you need me I will always be there to help you stand again.”

“Daddy don’t leave me.”

“It’s time for you to live without me.”

“No its not daddy, I still need you.”

“You don’t anymore, you have your mother, the band but most of all you have Brian. I am always going to be watching over you.”

“Daddy.”

“I love you Alexa.”

“I love you too Daddy.”

And with that my father left me.

I fall to the ground screaming. Brian kneels down next to me and wraps his arms around me. I lean into his chest sobbing loudly, crying out for my father. Brian lays me down on the bed and crawls in next to me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his chest.

I don’t know how im going to live without my hero by my side but at least im not fully alone this time.

I gonna try to live my life the way Daddy wants me too. Im gonna live for my Daddy and hopefully I don’t get lost in this hell again.