I Will Try to Fix You

After not eating for three days my appetite has finally returned. I go down for breakfast in the big cafeteria. There are different tables set up for the different groups. We are the only teen group besides the couple teens who have to stay here for a long time getting intense therapy. We get to choose whatever we want off the menu. I stick with some toast, orange juice, and sliced fruit. I eat lunch when that time comes, ordering a grilled cheese. For dinner I eat a salad. Upstairs in the teen space we have a fridge with snacks and drinks. I grab a handful of packaged graham crackers from the bowl on the counter and even eat some chocolate pudding.

“It’s a good sign that your appetite’s returned,” Nurse Alex smiles at me encouragingly. I nod at him then go sit down on the couch.

I start to learn the schedule. Every day we go to the gym. There are basketballs and hoops, exercise equipment, nets for volley ball and badminton. There is also a table set up in the corner with a puzzle on it. I spend most of my time at the gym doing the puzzle. I’ve never been athletic.

This place is called Oak Hill Hospital but most people just refer to it as The Hill. The Hill has several different buildings and is spread out all over the land. We have to walk a mile just to get to the gym. We are pretty much secluded though. The only time I see any other people is when we have to cross the street to go to the gym and I see the occasional car driving by. I wonder if they stare at us…the crazy mental patient kids.

I finally start talking to Brendon. He doesn’t give up trying to be nice to me so eventually I have to respond to him. Brendon, Pete, and I are the only three teenagers here right now. There are fourteen beds in the teenager area total. Eventually we’ll get more people but for now I am glad it’s just us.

I sit at the table with them and help with the puzzle they are doing. There is not a lot to do here. We can look at their limited selection of books, watch movies on the television, draw, do arts and crafts, put together puzzles, or play board games. I am getting good at doing puzzles. Pete puts Edward Scissor hands on the television. “I like this movie,” I tell him quietly.

“Me too,” he grins.

“So do I,” Brendon agrees.

“How old are you Ryan?” Pete asks me.

“Seventeen,” I answer.

“Me too!” Brendon exclaims.

“I’m sixteen,” Pete informs me. “I’m here because I’m bipolar and I do drugs. My parents don’t like my friends because they were the ones who gave me drugs. I skipped school too much according to them. The principal wanted to kick me out. My parents sent me here. I don’t need school though. I’m going to be in a band.”

“Oh…” I look down at the puzzle. Well, that explains everything.

Later Brendon sits down on the couch with me and tells me why he’s here. “I have AD/HD and I pretty much never sleep either,” he informs me. He’s fidgeting as we speak and tapping his foot. I wish I had that much energy. I’m so tired. “My parents are really strict. They don’t understand me. They told me I just need to get past my issues. They said I was embarrassing them. I can’t help the way I am, you know?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“I tried to kill myself.”

My eyes widen in surprise. “Wow…”

“I took a bunch of pills. They had to pump my stomach. I will seriously never do that again. It was fucking terrible,” he tells me. He pushes his red framed glasses up his nose and looks at me. “Are you going to tell me why you’re here?”

I shrug and look away from him. I chew on my fingernails for a moment, trying to find some courage. I bite my chapped lip and think. If Brendon could tell me all that stuff about himself and his life then I can open up too. “My mom’s dead,” I start.

“That sucks,” he frowns.

I nod. “My dad’s an alcoholic. He has anger issues. I get bullied at school so I stopped going. They called my dad and that’s how I got sent here. Someone must have seen my arms somehow. I try to hide them but…”

“Can I see?” he asks.

I hesitate then slowly roll up the sleeves of my hoodie. He looks at pale arms. My skin is a mess. He reaches out and hesitantly touches my arm. I blush and roll my sleeves back down.

“You do that to yourself?”

“Yeah…”

“With what?”

“I cut myself and sometimes I burn myself.”

“That feels good to you?”

I shrug. “I’m pretty fucked up, right?”

He shakes his head. “No, you’re not. We all have problems and we all have things we have to deal with. We just deal in different ways, that’s all. No one is perfect Ryan. When I came here I expected everyone to be so much crazier, people hearing voices and all that shit. We’re normal Ryan.”

We’re normal? I don’t feel normal…
---

They tell us we’re getting a new boy. We’re all doing our daily school lessons when he arrives. I catch a glimpse of him crying but that’s it. After lunch when we come back he’s sitting on a couch. He’s dressed in a baggy hoodie and loose jeans. His hair is shoulder length and I hear Pete say behind me “He looks like a girl.” He has very soft features so he does look a little like a girl. He’s super skinny, skinnier than me even which is insane.

His pale skin is tinted red around his eyes and nose from crying so much. I don’t blame him though. This place sucks. No one wants to be here. We all go greet him and introduce ourselves. “I’m B-Bill Beckett,” he stutters shyly.

We do our best to make him as comfortable as possible here. We all watch a movie together then do arts and crafts. The nurses give us some string and monitor us. We are only allowed to use the string and the scissors and even the tape in their presence. We tie the strings like they show us and make ‘friendship’ bracelets. Brendon gives me a blue and green one, smiling warmly at me. I smile just a little in response. “Thank you,” I tell him.

Pete gives a red and black one to Brendon so I make one for the new guy. I use purple and blue then hand it to him. He looks surprised. “You made this for me?”

“Yeah,” I nod.

“Thank you.”

I tie it to his wrist for him and he seems pretty happy. We all have to stick together in here.

While we are relaxing for the night watching Ace Venture for the thousandth time Bill starts to talk to us. We all tell him why we’re here. “Well, I’m sixteen,” he starts.

“Finally someone my age!” Pete cheers.

Bill seems slightly startled by Pete’s enthusiasm. Pete can be a bit much when you are first getting to know him. Bill has been shy and quiet so far. “My parents don’t pay attention to me,” he says. “They think my older sister C-Courtney is perfect. I tried so hard for them to notice me, to be what they wanted, to be more like her…I can’t.”

“You don’t have to be anyone else but yourself here,” Brendon assures him.

“They tell me I have depression and anxiety. Also, b-bulimia and anorexia.”

He seems nervous like we are going to tell him he’s a freak or something.

“You’ll fit right in here,” Brendon smiles at him.

Bill relaxes then and nods. “Cool,” he says.