I Will Try to Fix You

We are watching Forrest Gump and we get to order pizza. We all were supposed to ask our parents for money. Brendon got extra money from his parents and pays for me. I choose cheese pizza and diet soda. We aren’t allowed to have caffeine in here. “Everyone act crazy when the pizza guy comes,” Pete suggests. I wonder if it freaks the pizza guy out a little having to deliver to a mental hospital but it sounds like a good plan to me.

The pizza guy stops at the office and talks to the nurse. Brendon and I bark like dogs. Hayley keeps laughing hysterically. Pete is arguing with Bill. “You stole my wife!” he accuses Bill. “We have a twenty year old son together! We have triplets at home! How could you steal her?”

The pizza guy makes a really strange face at us then practically runs away. We all laugh hysterically. The nurse scolds us then hands out our pizza. After we are done eating we take turns sliding down the hallway ramp to the bedrooms in our socks. It’s slippery hardwood and it’s actually fun sliding down it. Eventually we get told we have to go to bed.

Pete is the first of us to leave. He’s happy to go home. He wants to get back to his friends. We all sit together in the hallway on the ramp leading to the bedrooms and sign each other’s journals. They give everyone a journal while they are here but no one ever really uses it. We write our Facebook names, our phone numbers, and little messages for each other. I wish everyone good luck. They’re going to need it.

We walk to the gym after. Every day we cross a little wooden bridge to get there. Today the creek beneath the bridge is flowing fast from the rain it got during the night. I stop and lean on the railing to look down at the water. “What if someone jumped in here?” I ask Brendon.

“If you jump in there I’m jumping in after you,” he tells me.

“If you jump, I jump,” I agree.

We really are crazy, aren’t we?

On our way back from gym we get to stop at the little gift store. There are all kinds of little gifts with inspirational quotes, mental health books, and even candy. There are also shirts with a picture of a hill and the words ‘I climbed the hill’ on them, since this hospital is Oak Hill. Hayley jokes while buying a shirt that she when her friends ask what the hill is she’ll just tell them “You don’t know what the hill is? The hill is the best. Only cool people know about the hill.” I wait, flipping through a magazine in the corner while everyone else shops since I don’t have any money.

When we get back to the main room Nurse Alex announces that he has a surprise for us. We gather on the couches and he pulls a chair over in front of the television. Someone hands him a guitar. He starts to play and sing. He’s actually really good and I realize now just how much I have missed music being in here.

“My ship went down in a sea of sound. When I woke up alone I had everything, a handful of moments I wished I could change, and a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade. In a city of fools I was careful and cool but they tore me apart like a hurricane. A handful of moments I wished I could change but I was carried away. Give me therapy. I’m a walking travesty but I’m smiling at everything. Therapy, you were never a friend to me. And you can keep all your misery,” Alex sings.
We all clap for him and smile. “That was really incredible,” I tell him.

He grins. “Thanks Ryan.”

“It was perfect,” I say.

“I’m glad you liked it.”

We watch a movie together and Brendon sits beside me. He has a small paper bag in his hands. “I got you something,” he informs me.

“You did?” I am surprised.

“Yeah,” he nods. He pulls a necklace out of the bag. There’s a silver heart shaped charm on the chain. The heart is engraved with the word hope.

“It’s beautiful,” I say, staring at in amazement with wide eyes.

“Here, I’ll help you put it on,” he reaches over and places it around my neck.

“You didn’t have to buy me anything,” I tell him. “Why would you spend your money on me?”

“I wanted to get it for you. You’re my friend Ryan. I care about you.”

“You do?”

He nods, smiling. “Yeah.”

I smile back. No one’s ever really cared about me before. I’ve never had a friend. Who would have thought I could find a friend in a place like this?
---

Hayley leaves next. Then it’s Brendon’s turn. He’s been here longer than any of us. I feel devastated. How do I say goodbye to my only friend? How do I say goodbye to his reassuring smiles and his big brown eyes? I finally found someone who cares about me and now they’re going away forever. How will I survive this?

We are eating our last dinner together in the cafeteria. I sit beside him on one side of the table. The woman nurse is talking to another and not really paying attention. I frown and poke at my chocolate cake with a fork, not feeling hungry. Under the table Brendon’s hand suddenly lands on my leg. I look at him and blush. He smiles. I place my hand on top of his and don’t move until dinner’s over.

We say our goodbye’s to Brendon. I sit in the group therapy room and cry alone. I can’t do this. It’s not going to be okay. Nothing is alright. I’m going to have to go home too and I won’t have anyone. I’ll be alone and hated again. How can I go back there? How do I go on?

Brendon walks into the room. He hands me some tissues then pushes his glasses up his face a little. He smiles lightly at me. “Don’t cry. It’s going to be okay,” he tells me.

“No, it’s not,” I shake my head.

He pulls me to my feet and hugs me tightly. We are allowed to hug people goodbye when they are leaving. I cling to him, squeezing him to me afraid to let go. His parents come and take him away. I spend the rest of the night crying into my pillow.
---

Back home things return to what I call normal. My dad continues drinking and treating me like I’m a piece of trash. I feel like more of a loser than ever. I am forced to go to school and walk the halls knowing everyone hates me there.

Someone shoves me and I fall. I crash into someone else who’s standing in the hallway and we both land on the ground. “I’m sorry,” I apologize quickly, scrambling to my feet.

He stands up then and my heart skips a beat. “Hey,” he smiles.

“Brendon?” I can’t believe it. This has to be a dream.

“Yeah,” he nods.

“What are you doing here?”

If this is a dream then please don’t let me wake up.

“I transferred schools. I couldn’t get along with anyone where I was going and there’s a teacher here who will work with my ADHD,” he explains.

“I never thought I’d see you again,” I admit.

“Come here,” he pulls me up two flights of stairs to the roof of the school. There’s a community garden on the roof but I’ve never seen it. It’s beautiful and the view of the city from the roof is breath taking. My heart is pounding in my chest. Brendon hugs me. “I’m really glad you’re here. I missed you so much,” he says.

“I missed you too,” I tell him.

He wipes my tears away with his hands then he leans in and presses his lips to mine. My heart skips another beat. This can’t be real…

He smiles again. “You’re really cute when you blush like that.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” he nods.

“Is this a dream?” I have to ask.

“No,” he laughs, shaking his head. “I really did miss you so much Ryan. I’m glad to see you’re okay. I care a lot about you and if something bad happened to you I don’t know what I’d do.”

“You like me?” I think I’m going into shock.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

I shrug. “No one else does.”

“They’re stupid.”

“Wait, how do you even know I like boys that way?”

“I didn’t know for sure but the way you look at me kind of gives it away…”

“Really?” I feel myself blushing again.

“Yeah,” he leans in and kisses me again, wrapping his arms around my waist. I smile now. “It’s going to be okay Ryan.”

This time I think I believe him.