A Ballad of Love and Hate

Ryan and I left early Saturday morning for Tallahassee for the Gators game.

“Now, both of you better come and see me soon,” his mom said, making us promise we would come back and see her.

“Don’t be afraid to voice how you feel,” she whispered in my ear as she hugged me.

I felt like she knew my feelings all too well.

She hugged Ryan once more and we were off on the road.

I watched Ryan the whole time as he drove. He kept talking about things I didn’t pay attention to.

I just nodded along and agreed or kept my statements short.

When we got to the Florida State stadium, Ryan took my hand so I wouldn’t get lost in the crowd and we searched for Conor.

As he just simply held my hand, I felt the sensation and desire for him once more.

Upon finding Conor, we made our way to our seats and I sat down. Ryan put his arm around me and smiled.

“Noah, are you doing alright?” He questioned. I tugged at my UF shirt.

“Yeah, can we maybe go somewhere at halftime?” I asked.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Wanting to just be friends or not, I needed to tell Ryan what I was thinking and feeling.

Staying closed off is what ruined things before.

Ryan looked at me a little concerned.

“We can talk now,” he suggested.

“No, you want to watch the game, we can go somewhere during halftime,” I smiled. Ryan pulled me into a side hug as the opening kickoff occurred.

During the game, I grew more and more nervous as it became time to tell Ryan how I felt. How do I even do that? And where?

I needed to control myself before I messed up. I snapped the worn rubber band on my hand as the clock ticked down. Ryan was cheering with Conor, talking about yards needed and kicking, I kept snapping my rubber band.

When the clock finally ticked down to halftime, Ryan stood and took my hand.

“Come on, I know a place,” he smiled.

Ryan led me to a place on campus where we could talk. We went into an empty classroom and sat to talk.

I didn’t really know what to say. What does one even say?

I couldn’t just tell him that I had feelings for him and I wanted to get back together, could I?

“What did you want to talk about?” He asked me.

I could no longer think. I threw myself onto Ryan and crashed his lips into mine.

Ryan was a bit shocked at first and then wrapped his hands around my waist. I played with his shirt, breaking away to take it off. I took mine off in the process.

“Noah, what is this?” He asked in between his unsteady breaths.

“Ryan, I want you, I want all of you again,” I whispered, running my fingers through his hair.

Ryan felt the way up my sides and smiled.

“Noah, you’re beautiful all of you is just, beautiful,” he spoke. I crashed my lips onto his once more. I took his pants off, he worked off my jeans.

Ryan swiftly sat me on a desk and removed my underwear and his own.

He didn’t hesitate, instead he quickly thrusted into me as I groaned in delight.

Ryan buried his head in my neck and pushed his way in and out of me. He grabbed my breasts in his hands as I dug my fingers into his toned back.

Hitting our points together, Ryan slowly thrusted out and looked at me once more.

Our breathing was heavy, my heart was unsteady for so many reasons.

“I love you,” I whispered, touching his face, stating those familiar yet unfamiliar words to him.

“I love you too, Noah,” he smiled, getting re-dressed.

We left the classroom hand in hand to find Conor once more. Ryan was grinning like an idiot.

“Oh come on,” Conor rolled his eyes at us.

“That’s right, Rynasty is back,” Ryan high fived his friend. I didn’t quite understand what he meant by that.

“So are y’all like back together or whatever?” Conor asked. Ryan looked at me and I shrugged.

“Something like that I would say,” I smiled, leaning onto Ryan.

Conor rolled his eyes and went back to paying attention to the game. I played with Ryans t-shirt hem, thinking about how not too long ago, I was taking it off.

How did I somehow have it all right now? Ryan said the three words I have been longing to hear. My control problems were under control.

Sure, I didn’t have a family that was strong and I had a brother who sucked but it didn’t really matter, I had Ryan. I had my work. I had all I needed really.

I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the game, I didn’t really care who had what down and what was fumbled, I just stood next to Ryan, holding onto him, being thankful that I had my boyfriend back.

But in this of course came fear. Ryan and I didn’t work out last time because we were busy, that certainly has not changed. But what did change was I was no longer going to hide things from him and freak out.

And that after all was the problem.

When the game ended, I looked over at Conor and Ryan. Conor was drunk of course and Ryan was making fun of him.

Just like old times.

“Conor, go talk to that girl,” Ryan suggested pointing at a cute brunette girl who was clearly also a Gator fan.

“Dude, no,” Conor laughed.

“She’s cute, Conor, talk to her,” I also encouraged. The girl clearly noticed we were talking about her too and looked us up and down.

“I really don’t care for her, she’s too short,” Conor shrugged before walking away.

Ryan gave Conor a weird look before shrugging himself and wrapping his arm around me to leave.

As we were staying in Tallahassee for the night, we decided to go out to the bar and celebrate everything that had been happening. Ryan went to make us the drinks himself, leaving me with Conor.

“Why didn’t you want to talk to that girl? Anytime before, you’d want to talk to a girl like her,” I confronted Conor a little unsteadily.

“I just didn’t want to, that’s all,” he laughed me off.

“Conor, do you like another girl you’re not telling Ryan about?” I kept persisting.

“Maybe,” he smirked. I was shocked.

“Ryan, why don’t you tell him! Whoever it is, he’d be more than happy for you!” I said, hitting him lightly.

“No, he really wouldn’t be, Noah, like at all,” Conor said seriously. I gave him a confused look before Ryan came back with our drinks.

“Here’s to Noah, once more being in my life in every way possible,” Ryan smiled as we downed our shots. Ryan pulled me closely into him.

“Come on, let’s dance,” I grinned, pulling Ryan on the dance floor.

As we moved to the beat, I thought about Conor, I thought about everything.

I looked over to the table and saw him look over at us with a blank face when it suddenly and shockingly hit me.

Conor Dwyer had a crush on me.