Can You Save Me From Myself.

I walked into mine and Brian’s house a week after the indecent at the hospital.

I haven’t seen anything from him. No one would talk about him in front of me, thinking that I would fall back into a depression. I knew I shouldn’t have said what I said and I really regret it, but it needed to be said. I couldn’t just accept him back into my life without him knowing everything I went through and the pain I felt.

It just wouldn’t be fair to me if my father didn’t feel the pain I felt when he left.

“Kitten, are you okay?” I look up at the love of my life and smile.

“Yea Bri, im fine. I was just thinking.” Brian wrapped an arm around my waist and brought me closer to him. I laid my head on his chest and hugged his waist.

“You ready to bring our babies in?”

I and Brian, mostly Brian since he didn’t want me doing a lot of work, were bringing in your bags and presents. Like the flowers the guys got me, the stuffed animals they got the twins. The balloons and clothes the girls got the three of us.

There was a lot of shit and right now it’s just me and Brian. The girls thought it would be better if it was just us here, it would be quiet and peaceful for the twins.

Tomorrow everyone is going to be here for a BBQ welcoming home/the Baby Shower I never got.
We walk outside to grab the car seats. I had Lilly while Brian carried James.

Bri didn’t want to call him James saying it’s too formal for a rock stars son. He wanted James to be called Jimmy but Im not sure if I can call him Jimmy and not break down crying. Bri understands that but since James was born I heard Brian call him Jimmy a lot. He didn’t even realize it and when I started tearing up he thought I was hurt. And I was but it wasn’t physical pain, it was emotional pain. When momma came to visit me and the twins one day, she walked into the room while Brian was talking to James and calling him Jimmy.

“Ah you’re gonna be just like me and your Grandpa, isn’t that right Jimmy? You’re gonna be a drummer just like your Grandpa? I can see in now, Jimmy Haner: The Rev Junior.”

I had tears running down my face listening to Brian. I heard a loud sob and I looked towards the doorway to see my mother crying just like me. Brian put James back in his bed and walked to Momma.

“Leana what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Momma didn’t answer, she just pointed towards the door, signaling for Brian to leave us. Brian looked confused but walked out after he placed a kiss on my and the twins heads.

“You let him call your son Jimmy?” I looked up at Momma and shook my head.

“Bri has been calling him that since he was born. I just don’t have the heart to tell him that it hurts me when it helps him.”

“How does that help him, Sweetie?” Momma walks towards my bed and sat in the chair that Brian is usually in.

“It makes him feel closer to Daddy. I can’t take that away from him. You heard him, Momma. Brian wants our son to be a drummer just like his best friend. You have to remember Momma; we aren’t the only ones that need Daddy. He was Brian’s best friend, why would I hurt him by taking away the right to call his son Daddy’s nickname?”

Momma looks up at me with tears in her eyes. She grabs my hand and makes me look her in the eye.

“Because every time you hear his name your heart breaks even more.”

“But I would rather have a broken heart then Brian having one.”

Momma shakes her head at my words. She stands up and kisses me on the forehead.

“You are too good for your own good. I understand you love Brian with all of your heart, trust me I know how you feel. But you can’t keep bringing yourself down so he can be happy. You both need to be happy not just one of you.”

“But I am happy Momma.”

“Not fully, you might be happy but you’re still missing a part of your heart.”

“And how will I ever get that missing piece when the only person who can make me whole again is gone?”

I look up at my Mothers warm understanding but heartbroken eyes.

“I don’t know, Sweetie. I don’t know.”



I was shaken out of my thoughts when I heard a baby’s cry.

I look around the room I was in and at first I thought I was in the wrong house. But the name on the shelf said differently.

“Do you like it? Me and Leana worked really hard on getting everything a baby girl would need.” I look at my Grandma Rose and nodded; shocked they did this while I was in the hospital of a week. A week they put this all together for my children.

“Oh and before you ask yes I know it was supposed to be just you and Brian but I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Im fine Grandma.” She smiles before kissing my forehead.

I look around my daughter’s room while Grandma changes Lilly before rocking her in the rocking chair. I was about to walk out to see Brian and James, when something caught my eye.

It was a whole array of photos.

A picture of all of Avenged Sevenfold.

A Picture of just me before I was pregnant.

A picture of Brian by himself.

A picture of Momma.


There was even a picture of Daddy.

But what really made me smile were the three last photos.

A picture of me and Brian.

A picture of Brian and Daddy.

And lastly a picture of my parents.

“There are the same pictures in James’s room but he has different photos for Brian and Jimmy.” I nodded my head at Grandma before walking across the hall to what I believe is my son’s room.

I smiled and laughed when I noticed the theme for his room. I looked around and shook my head and the painting of James’s name on the wall.

I walked over to James’s family photos and saw what Grandma was talking about. There are two different photos for Brian and Daddy.

I walked over to the crib and looked inside. I smiled at my sons sleeping face. I bent down and kissed his cheek before walking off to find the father of my little angels.

I wasn’t really shocked when I found him lounging in our bed in just basketball shorts watching TV with Pinkly and Rocky chilling on the bed by his feet.

I got changed into my bummy sleep clothes and crawled into bed next to Brian. I laid my head on his chest and smiled when I felt an arm fall over my small body.

“I heard what you said to Leana about James’s nickname.” Brian soft voice broke the silence in the room. I look at the TV and nodded to show him I heard him. “I won’t call him Jimmy anymore if it really hurts you that much.”

I lay there thinking about everything. I remembered the photo sitting right besides my sons crib.

“No I want to call him Jimmy. After all he is going to be The Rev Jr.”