If You Can't Hang, Then There's the Door

I woke up this morning and was face down in the toilet within seconds. I had no time to wake up, no time to register anything that was happening. I emptied the Ihop that was left over in my stomach from the night before. I gripped the bowl tightly as my knuckles turned white. I heaved for what felt like hours, for the last five heaves, nothing's come out. They were dry as burned my throat and hurt my stomach, I started to feel tears run down my face. I have in and cried, I cried harshly and slipped onto the bathroom floor into a curled up ball. I jolted as I sobbed feeling arms wrap around my body, and cradle me against the cold linoleum.

"Shhh, shhh, baby, your okay, I'm here" kellin whispered Into my hair as he held me against his bare chest.

"Kellin" I sobbed and it was all I could say before I frantically pushed out of his arms and back In to the toilet throwing up. Kellin rubbed my back with his warm hands and pulled my hair back out of my face.

"Baby, we have to get going to your appointment soon, maybe they can see why you've been so sick lately?" He asked and I nodded and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe my face.

"Can You grab our hoodie and a pair of pajama pants for me please ?" I asked kellin through red heavy eyes.

"Of course baby, I love you, you'll feel better soon I promise." he kissed my forehead and left the bathroom.

He came back shortly after i finished brushing my teeth, with the clothes I requested in his hand. He hugged my waist gently from behind and kissed my neck. I smiled weakly. I felt beyond drained and my eyes weighed heavily. I was going to struggle through the rest on this day, I could feel it. I got dressed slowly, kellin was ready to got way before me. He in no way rushed me, he was just going at a normal pace where I felt like I hit a wall, I struggled to keep my eyes open as I searched for the notebook I needed to give the doctor.

"Here baby, I already have it" kellin spoke gently and handed me my notebook. I smiled at him as he wore a worried expression.

"Lets get going then I guess" I said hoarsely, kellin frowned and grabbed my side, helping as we walked to the car.

The car ride went by very quickly and I could have swore I fell asleep during most of it, because I barely remember it and kellin had to say my name at least five times to snap me away from thoughts and get my head off the cold window, which made me feel better surprisingly.

"Scar? Are you sure your up for this? We can always reschedule." Kellin said worriedly as I I fluttered my eyes open and shook my head to wake myself up.

"I'm fine I promise, lets get this over with" he nodded and helped me out of the car.

Before I knew it we were being called in for my check up. I was nervous and I was starting to feel slightly more awake, when Dr. Garrett entered the room I was alert enough to hold a conversation.

"Good morning Mrs. porter, how are you feeling today?" He asked with a smile and I frowned. "Not good ?" He raised an eyebrow at my frown and his voice full of concern.

"My heart feels fine, but... I've been sick for about a week now, it seems like I'm alway nauseous..." I trailed off with a deep breath and the doctor came over placing the back side of his hand on my forehead and then grabbed both my cheeks.

"You feel clammy, but not feverish... Hmm here we will take your temperature" kellin squeezed my hand as the doctor place a thermometer under tongue. It beeped almost Instantly.

"Your temperature is normal, what time of the day have you been feeling sick?" Dr garret looked at me and kellin raising his eyebrows.

"In the morning mainly, but sometimes at night I don't feel like eating" he nodded his head at my answer and sighed.

"Mrs. porter, don't get offended from this question, but is there anyway you could be pregnant?" My eyes widened and Kellins face turned three shades paler than I've ever seen it before.

"Well, possibly? I take the pill..." I whispered and he nodded.

"Lets take a test just to be sure." He lead me out of the room, kellin looked like he had a heart attack, his eyes were wide and his facial expression was impossible to read.

The doctor walked me down a hallway to a nurse wearing a pair of scrubs with teddy beats all over them.

"Now I'm going to take this monitor" the doctor said removing it from my skin. "And start reviewing your results as my nurse Wendy gives you your test. May I have your notebook?" I nodded silently and handed him my notebook.

"Come on sweetheart don't be nervous" the nurse held out her hand to me and I took hers reluctantly. She lead me down the hallway and into a bathroom.

"Now sweetheart, I'm just going to have you pee In this cup." She handed it to me and left me to do my bussiness.

I felt sick all over again, I couldn't be pregnant, not now. How would kellin feel ? Would he be angry, happy, sad? Who knows. Could we even afford a child! My head raced with crazy thoughts and I couldn't bring myself to pee in that stupid clear cup. I turned the faucet on and splashed my face with some cold water. I let it run as I did my business in the cup. I placed it in the slot in the side of the wall that the nurse had told me to place the cup after I was done. I shakily left the bathroom and the nurse lead me back to the room kellin was left in, he was still frozen in place, still looking like a ghost, with hollowed eyes.

"Kell-" I started but he shook his head and cut me off.

"No Scar, just, give me some time" he whispered, no specific tone in his voice, it was horrifying. Why was he making me feel so guilty? I didn't plan this... It takes both of us to make this mistake.

"But kellin, we don't even know the results yet" my head whipped around to the sound of the heavy room door being opened.

"We'll Mrs. porter. Your heart is doing fine, you seem to be more anxious at night and your heart murmur comes out. which is pretty normal, just try to relax more before you go to sleep. Distractions such as TV or just talking to someone can ease the murmur" I sighed in relief.

"So I won't be needed surgery anytime soon?" I asked hopeful.

"Well I want to keep having monty check ups with you. Just to keep a close eye, for now surgery won't be needed" I smiled, it was better then needing surgery immediately.

There was a knock at the door and the nurse 'Wendy' from earlier walked in with a chart and handed it to Dr. Garrett. My heart jumped into my throat as the doctor skimmed the chart.

"Well Mrs. Porter, Mr. Quinn, according the test, your both expecting a bundle of joy." The color drained from my face and grabbed the trash can from the floor and Instantly thew up for what I hoped was the last time today.

"I-I'm pregnant?" I breathed.

"We can also perform a blood test to be one hundred percent sure, the results take a week. Or you can have an ultra sound done." The doctor stated like it was no big deal.

"We will have an ultra sound, is there anyway we can get that done as soon as possible?" Kellin finally spoke for the first time this entire appointment.

"Luckily we can perform one here for you, and there's an opening this morning" the doctor left the roll briefly and brought in the proper machine.

He had me may down and lift my shirt, he squeezed cold jelly on my belly, and placed the radar on my stomach. We watched the screen to see if it was really true.

"We'll Mrs. porter, the noise your hearing is the babies heartbeat. From the looks of it you seem to be a little over a month along." I felt hot tears fall down my face as the doctor spoke, not because I was upset... Don't get me wrong. I was completely blindsided- but I felt overwhelmed with emotions, that baby was a part of me... And a part of kellin. It was surreal to actually be carrying something that was a result of our love.

"W-w-what now doctor?" I asked shakily an threw silent tears.

"We'll you need to stop taking your anxiety medication and make sure your not put in any stressful situations. The condition your heart is in will make this a difficult and very watched pregnancy. I suggest an appointment every month with a specialist, and to start taking prenatal vitamins." I nodded and so did kellin we left the office shortly after the startling news. I didn't know how to feel. I was happy, sad, scared, and nauseous. Kellin looked... He looked sort of angry.

The car ride home was silent I couldn't help but feel terrified for our babies life. My heart could in danger it's life, and I needed to get control of my anxiety as soon as possible. I stared out the window as I watched the clouds fly by rapidly. My mind finally came back to reality when the car came to a stop at our apartment complex.

"Kellin?" I whispered as we got into our apartment.

"Y-yea" he stuttered

"Please say something" I whispered again tears coming down my face.

"How? How could this have Happened? What are we going to do? What the fuck did we do wrong" He grabbed my hand and I cried again.

"What are you saying?" I growled.

"I'm saying this is a mistake" he whispered and I felt the air leave my lungs.

"Of course getting pregnant was an accident! or as you put it a mistake!" I shouted through tears. I don't want our child to be known as a 'mistake' don't get me wrong, most pregnancies are.

"SCAR! Did you ever forget your birth control? There's got to be a reason this happened!" Kellin shouted back at me.

"It takes two people to make a baby Kellin! I didn't forget anything!" I was beyond angry at this point,

"Whatever you say scar" kellin said sarcastically rolling his eyes... That made him look like a bug. I hate when he did that.

"Get out kellin! Get out! Don't come back until you've calmed down and your ready to accept the fact that this wasn't just MY fault! We both need to take responsibility for our actions, this baby is OURS, not just MINE!" I shouted loudly as kellin slammed the door leaving the apartment.

I burst into violent sobs on the floor of our living room, and cried myself to sleep.