Write It Down

Alex felt himself waking up, but all he wanted to do was stay asleep. He wanted to stay in that dream he was having, because in that dream, Jack was healthy. Jack only had four months left with him on this Earth and Alex’s heart shatters every time he looks at his dying boy. He wants him to live.
But, as everyone who has ever lost a loved one to cancer knows, that isn’t really an option.

Alex opened his eyes and looked over to a sleeping Jack. His prince was so beautiful, even despite his sickness. He couldn’t be more gorgeous to Alex.
He stood up and walked towards him, resting his hand on his. Jack’s hand was icy cold. Which was strange, because usually his hands were warmer than Alex’s. He reached for Jack’s hand, attempting to hold it, but the sleeping boy did not reciprocate.

“Jack?” Alex said, squeezing his hand as he tried to get some type of physical reaction out of him. His hand was lifeless, however. Cold and unmoving.

“JACK?!” Alex began screaming the boy’s name, shaking his entire body this time trying and praying that it would wake him.
Nothing was working. Jack’s body was cold, still, and from what Alex could tell, lifeless.

He could feel the tears brimming at his lids as he started to cry. He tried to stay calm in hopes that this was just a fluke—Jack was still here. He continued to try and wake Jack, but his efforts were unsuccessful. Nothing he did was working.
Jack wasn’t waking up.

He ran into the living room and grabbed his cellphone. The only thing he could think to do was call 911; get an ambulance here as fast as possible. Maybe they can do something. Maybe they can wake him up. That’s all Alex could think about. But he didn’t know how long Jack had been unresponsive. He didn’t know if he had been gone for hours.
Alex didn’t know anything.

He woke up from the most glorious dream of happiness with Jack to his complete and worse nightmare.
He was supposed to have four more months with him. He was not supposed to lose him this soon. That’s all that kept him going these few months was the knowledge that he STILL had time LEFT. He didn’t have to say goodbye just yet and that’s all that kept him going.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” The operator said so calmly. How could she be so calm when Jack was dead?
“HI! YES! This is Alex Gaskarth,” he spoke quickly, frantically. “My-my uh.. My boyfriend—I need an ambulance right now! RIGHT NOW!”

The operator tried to calm him enough to get his address—and even though he did give her his location, he was not calm.

“Okay, sir, an ambulance is on it’s way right now. Try and stay calm for me, okay?” The operator still did not understand. All Alex wanted was for them to be there NOW.
He was useless. All he had to do was wait and wait for them to get there and even when they did get there, what would they do? If Jack was dead there was nothing they could do for him.

This wasn’t something they could just bring him back from.
If Jack is really gone, and Alex prayed that he wasn’t, there was nothing this ambulance could do.

But, all he could do was wait.

The knocks at the door startled Alex. He had been sitting in the chair by Jack’s bed watching him for any sign of life.
He silently begged for him to wake up.

Alex ran to the front door, answering it and directing the paramedics to Jack’s bed.

Two of them went inside, while one stayed to talk to Alex.
“Hello, sir, my name is Marcus Colt,” the man began. “Could you please just tell me what the issue is with…”
“Jack,” Alex said. “His name is Jack Barakat.” He closed his eyes to try and keep the tears at bay. “He, uhm. He has cancer and the doctors said he was pretty bad off. I woke up this afternoon and I think he was gone.”

Marcus wrote all of this information down, nodded apologetically to Alex, and walked into the bedroom where the other two paramedics had put Jack onto a gurney. Alex stayed back in the living room. He thought that if maybe he stayed away from the incident, the paramedics could fix him.

He closed his eyes again and tried to think of something else. He wanted to picture anything in the whole world other than what was going on in that house that day.
Marcus came back into the room, with a smile on his face.
“Sir, I checked Mr. Barakat’s pulse and it seems that he is still alive,” he continued. “However, we will have to take him to the hospital to get a full report of exactly what state he is in.”

Alex felt his stomach flip at the words “he is still alive.” He received information as to which hospital they were going to and followed the ambulance directly at their heels.
Jack WAS alive. He was living, and breathing… and still dying.
Alex didn’t know how long he was still going to be alive, but he was going to make DAMN sure he didn’t miss the last moments he had with him.

When he got to the hospital it felt like Jack’s very first appointment with the CTCA. He was full of hope again—hope that Jack would make it through this again.
Jack always wanted Alex to believe that Alex was the strong one in this relationship. But, Alex couldn’t disagree more. Jack had been through so much. His entire life was ended in a few simple conversations and diagnoses by a few doctors. It was the most devastating thing anyone could ever go through and Jack is STILL holding on.
“Who are you here to see?” The nurse asked Alex as he walked passed the desk.
“Jack. Jack Barakat,” he started. “An ambulance just brought him in.” The nurse checked her computer, looking for Jack’s room information.

“He’s being examined by a doctor right now, and the doctor should be ready to discuss his results in about an hour or so,” the nurse stated. “You can either wait here, or come back later.”

Of course, it was no question, Alex was going to wait here until they were ready to see him.
He sat down as close to the nurse’s desk as possible and waited. Waited for the news on his beloved to be given to him.

An hour and a half later, Alex was scrolling through aimless social media outlets when a middle-aged doctor in an overly priced suit and white coat walked up to him.
“Mr. Gaskarth?” The doctor questioned. Alex immediately stood up, shaking his hand before responding.
“Yes sir. How is Jack?”
“Mr. Gaskarth, we have contacted Jack’s family and it is to my understanding that you have been given control of his medical rights in place of his parents, correct?”

Alex nodded. Jack’s mother had given him control since he was the only one Jack had in Atlanta. They had talked things over and he knew exactly what was to be done.
“Good. Well, in that case, I am allowed to give you information on Mr. Barakat’s state. And, to be honest, it is not looking good,” the doctor began. Alex felt chills go up his back. No matter how much he wished, prayed, and hoped that Jack would get better—his prayers were never answered. “Jack’s body is shutting down. He’s still alive, for now, but he is currently in a coma and from what I have seen, it does not look like he will be waking up from it.”
Alex’s body crumbled back down into his seat. This was the exact opposite of how he wanted things to go these last four months. He put his face in his hands; no tears would dare pour from his lids. He was out of tears. He has spent every night since Jack’s diagnosis crying. No more tears would come.

“What do we do now, then?” Alex asked.
“Well, there isn’t much we can do,” Jack’s new doctor stated firmly. “We wait for his time to come and just try to make him as comfortable as possible. He is not in any pain, so the remainder of his life will be lived out in peace.”

Alex took happiness from that. Jack was living for now; Jack was living without pain for now.
“Also, Mr. Gaskarth, another thing I think you should know—Jack’s doctor from CTCA diagnosed him with a six month remainder, but I want you to be aware that he will not live out that term. Mr. Barakat will more than likely pass away in the next few days.”

Alex still did not cry with this news. His whole insides shook with pain, but he did not cry. He could feel his bones aching with the ache his heart was radiating, but tears were not something that even crossed his mind.

He didn’t talk to the doctor.
He didn’t talk to the nurses, or the grief counselor on his way out. He didn’t talk to anyone.
Alex wasn’t interested in crying or having people feel bad for the fact that his boyfriend—the love of his life—was going to be dead before next week.
No.
He didn’t want to live without Jack. He didn’t want to see what the world would look like without his big, gorgeous brown eyes. He just didn’t want to.

There was a better place—and that’s where Jack was going. A gorgeous place where he wasn’t going to be in pain anymore and the cancer wasn’t eating away at his beautiful, perfect body. And that’s where Alex wanted to love him. This ugly, death streaked world did not deserve the love Alex felt for Jack. It didn’t deserve to house his feelings for him.
He wanted to go where Jack was going. He wanted to love Jack in that beautiful place he was going. Alex wanted to meet him at the gate and kiss him and let him know that he was stronger than he ever knew he was. Because Jack was the strongest man Alex ever knew.
He wanted him to know that.

Sure, Jack only had a few days left on this Earth.

But Alex was going to make sure that when he made it to wherever that beautiful place was he was going to—he wasn’t going to be alone.

Alex was going there, too.