Better Than I Know Myself
Ashton
I bit my lip to keep from smiling once Tanner had left. I could still hear his music for a few seconds even after the door had closed behind him. If ever there was a kid screaming out for attention, it was Tanner. He thought I couldn’t tell, he thought no one could tell. And maybe no one else could. But I could. I knew that he only acted out in the hopes that someone – mainly his dad – would give him some attention. And I couldn’t really blame him.
I worked long hours, usually 8-8, but Mr Powell was always here before I was and stayed much later. I knew he couldn’t spend all that much time at home. I felt sorry for Tanner, I really did. Having a father who was so completely oblivious must be heart breaking. Which was why I didn’t let the things he did get to me. He clearly wanted me to get angry, to break, but I wasn’t going to. In a way it was like dealing with a stubborn child. Except this child was 17 years old and freaking gorgeous.
The second my eyes had laid on Tanner when I started working for Mr Powell just over a year ago, my breath had caught in my throat. I looked passed the scowl, the dyed hair, the many piercings, the eye liner and saw an innocent, fragile boy. Of course, at that time, he’d only been 15 and I felt kind of weird acknowledging my attraction. But he was 17 now, above the legal age. Sure, he was my boss’ son, so nothing could happen between us, but still…I could fantasize that something could, right? There was no harm in that.
I always looked forward to Tanner’s weekly meetings with his father. Even though we never really had a conversation, I liked just being near him. I liked seeing that he was still here. Sometimes I did worry that he’d just get fed up of trying to get his dad’s attention and just leave. Whenever he strolled into my office, I couldn’t help but sigh in relief.
Mr Powell walked out of his office a few minutes after Tanner had left and sighed. “I don’t know what happened to that boy,” he said, half to me and half to himself. I didn’t reply, because I knew he wouldn’t like my answer. What happened, was that his father had prioritised his business over his son. “Do you think a boarding school would help straighten him out?” This time, the question was directed at me. I kept my expression neutral, hiding my disbelief at how ignorant he was about his own son.
“No,” I shook my head. “I think sending him away would just make things worse.”
“Well there’s got to be something I can do about this,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “His therapist is clearly doing nothing for him…” There was so much I could say, but it wasn’t my place. I had no right giving my boss parenting advice.
“Maybe it’s a phase,” I said. “Maybe he’ll just grow out of it at some point.” Mr Powell just made a vague sound of agreement and went back into his office. I sighed and turned back to my computer to continue working.
--
That night I got home and flopped onto my sofa. I flicked the television on a played the recordings I had of Pokémon. So sue me, I’m 24 and still love that show. I pulled my bag onto the sofa beside me to sort through the paperwork I’d brought home to work on overnight and my gaze landed on a contract proposal for tomorrow morning’s meeting. “Shit,” I muttered, picking up the papers. I should have given them to Mr Powell before I left. I rang the office, but it went to voicemail. I glanced at the clock. It was just gone 10 o’clock, Mr Powell must have just left for the night. I sighed and pulled my jacket back on. I phoned Mr Powell’s mobile as I walked down to my car.
“Yeah,” he said as the call connected.
“Hi, Sir,” I said as I got into my car. “I’ve just found the proposal for tomorrow morning. I forgot to give it to you, but I’m on my way now.”
“I’m heading home,” he said. “Just bring it over, I’ll look over it tonight.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in about 20 minutes,” I said before ending the call. I’d been to Mr Powell’s house a couple of times before, so I knew the way.
As always, I was in awe of my boss’ house. It was like a mansion. But I supposed that was just the sort of homes CEOs lived in. It even had a security gate and everything.
I drove up the driveway and parked in front of the front door. It was quarter to 11 when I got to the house, but I knew Mr Powell would still be in his office working. I rang the doorbell and a few minutes later, the door opened. “Sorry, sir,” I said, handing him the papers.
“Good thing you noticed,” he said. I just nodded. “Thanks, Ashton. See you in the morning.” And with that, he closed the door. I turned back to my car with a sigh. I was exhausted and couldn’t wait to get home to sleep.
“Hey,” a voice called behind me and I turned. It was Tanner’s voice, but I couldn’t see him.
“Tanner?” I called, peering into the darkness.
“Up here,” he said. I looked up and found Tanner sitting on a flat portion of the roof.
“What are you doing on the roof?” I asked him, moving closer.
“I always come up here,” he said with a shrug. “Climb up.” I looked at him like he was crazy and he rolled his eyes. “It’s easy, I do it all the time. See that trellis? It’s really strong, it’ll hold you up. Probably.”
“Are you calling me fat?” I asked him as I started climbing up.
“Not fat…just pudgy,” he said and I rolled my eyes, knowing he wasn’t serious. I reached the roof and looked over at him and realised that he was surrounded by blankets, biscuits, thermoses and books.
“Is this where you come at night, when your parents think you’re out?” I asked him.
“Do you always listen in on my dad’s meetings?” he asked, glaring at me.
“It’s hard not to when everyone’s shouting like you were,” I shrugged, sitting down beside him. I glanced at him but he was looking out across the gardens. “Pretty good view,” I said, looking across the gardens and towards the lights of the town in the distance.
We sat in silence for a little while and I eventually turned to him. “I know it can't be easy,” I said quietly, “with him as your dad.”
“Don’t even try to say you understand,” Tanner said with a humourless laugh.
“I wasn’t going to,” I said. “I’m just saying that…I guess, I see why you act the way you do.”
“I act the way I do because I enjoy it,” he said. “Getting people angry is fun. Pushing them until I get a rise out of them…it’s what I’m good at.”
“Well you haven’t managed to get a rise out of me yet,” I pointed out.
“I know, you’re on my list,” he said and I couldn’t help but smile. Sitting with him like this, away from the office, away from his dad, away from everyone else, he was so different. Sure, he still had a bit of a hardness to him, but not every word out of his mouth was dripping with scorn.
“I think there’s much more to you than people think,” I said, looking out into the darkness. From the corner of my eye, I saw Tanner turn to me. “And I think once people realise that, you’ll be a lot less angry.”
“You think I’m angry?” Tanner asked, his voice suddenly hard. I turned to him and considered him for a moment before answer honestly.
“I think you’re angry at your dad and you act out because of that,” I told him. “You’re pissed because your dad never has time for you and now you spend your every waking second trying to get his attention by doing stuff that you know he wouldn’t approve of.”
“Thanks for the analysis,” he said, rolling his eyes, though I could see that I was starting to get to him.
“I think you hide behind all this behaviour because you don’t want your dad or your teachers or your therapist to see just how hurt you are,” I continued. Tanner’s dark eyes hardened and he glared at me.
“Shut up,” he growled.
“I think under all this attitude, you’re just a 17 year old boy who is desperate for his father’s attention,” I said. “You’re scared and lonely and-“
“I said shut up!” he shouted and I stopped. I looked up and met his glare with my calm gaze.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Tanner,” I told him. “It doesn’t make you weak to want your father’s attention.”
“I don’t care about him,” he said but I could hear the shake in his voice. “He means next to nothing to me.”
“Okay,” I said calmly.
We sat in silence for a few minutes before Tanner turned to me. “What gives you the right to think you can say all that shit about me?” he asked. “You’re not so perfect yourself, you know.”
“I never claimed to be perfect,” I told him.
“No, but my dad thinks you are,” he said and I frowned. “Even when he’s home it’s all about you. Ashton did this, Ashton did that. To him, you can do no wrong.” I’m pretty sure that wasn’t true, but I had nothing to argue with.
“Even so, you’re his son,” I said. “No one could ever be as important to him as you are.”
“I think his company comes pretty close,” he said bitterly. I stayed quiet, because I didn’t know what to say to convince him otherwise.
I turned to Tanner to find him already looking at me. “Maybe he just wants me to be more like you,” he said. “Nerdy.” I rolled my eyes and looked away again.
“He doesn’t want you to be like me, he wants you to be you,” I said.
“Hmm,” he sighed.
“He does,” I said. “Because I think you’re a pretty awesome person. He just maybe hasn’t seen that yet.”
“You do?” he asked quietly and I turned back to him.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “You aren’t afraid to be yourself. And you don’t take crap from anyone. That makes you pretty awesome to me.” Tanner smiled slightly, looking down as his cheeks turned a light shake of pink. I smiled to myself and looked away from him again. “Don’t you get cold sitting up here?” I asked and he shrugged.
“Sometimes,” he said. “Tonight it’s not so bad. But I prefer sitting out here. It helps me think.”
“What do you think about?” I asked him. He was silent for a moment and I didn’t think I’d get an answer.
“What I could do better,” he whispered after a moment. “To make me a better son.”
“Hey,” I said, nudging him with my shoulder. “You’re not a bad son.” I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault but his father’s, but I couldn’t tell how that would go down. Tanner sighed.
“I’m glad you think so at least,” he mumbled.
“Look at me, Tanner,” I said, turning to face him properly. He slowly raised his head and his dark blue gaze met mine. “There is nothing wrong with you. I think it’s amazing. The fact that you feel so deeply about this, it just proves that you’re-“ I was cut off by Tanner’s lips on mine. I stared at his closed eyes for a moment, kissed him back for a moment, before I pushed him away. “What are you doing?” I whispered.
“Kissing you,” he smiled. I blinked at him. He inched closer to me once again and when he sensed I wouldn’t stop him, he pressed his lips back on mine. This time, my eyes slid closer and I brought my hand up to the back of Tanner’s neck. I’d never kissed someone with lip piercings before. It felt strange. But a good strange. Our kiss deepened and Tanner moved to straddle me. My hands moved up and down his back before resting on his hips, my fingers curling around the belt loops on his jeans.
I pulled back when I needed to breath and looked into his eyes. “Tanner,” I whispered, still enchanted by his kiss. He smiled at me, pecking my lips twice more. “Will you have dinner with me tomorrow?” I asked him.
“Aw, well aren’t you charming?” he asked, a smirk on his lips. “Yes, I will.” I smiled at him and his smirk slowly melted into a smile.
“I should probably get going,” I said. I wasn’t even sure how long I’d been sitting up there for. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow, at 6?”
“Sounds good,” he said and smiled and I kissed him once more before climbing down the trellis and walking back over to my car. I sped away, glancing towards the dark part of the roof where I knew Tanner would be.
--
It felt weird leaving work while the sun was up. Mr Powell didn’t question my leaving early, because my day officially ended at 5 o’clock, I just normally worked extra. But not that night.
I hadn’t been able to keep my mind focused for the whole day. All I could think of was the feeling of Tanner’s lips on mine. I hadn’t kissed that many people before, only 3, but Tanner had wiped them from my memory. As I drove over to pick Tanner up, I couldn’t help but smile. I was finally going to be able to spend time with him, actually get to know him.
As soon as I parked in front of Tanner’s house, the front door opened and he smiled. After closing the door behind him, he walked down the stairs and then jumped into my car. “Hi,” he smiled and I smiled back.
“Hey,” I smiled.
“How was work?” he asked and I shrugged.
“Fine,” I smiled. “Though I kept getting distracted every time I thought about you.”
“You were thinking about me?” he asked, surprise evident in his voice.
“Of course,” I smiled. “All day.” Tanner smiled, his cheeks turning a light pink. I just smiled and started the car and headed down the driveway.
“So where are we going?” Tanner asked after a few minutes of silence.
“My favourite restaurant,” I smiled.
“Which is?” he asked. I just smiled but kept quiet. Tanner pouted but I wasn’t going to tell him.
About 20 minutes later we pulled into a car park of a restaurant called The Black Swan. It was a little place, not very busy, but the staff were friendly and the food was really good. “I’ve never been here before,” Tanner said as we got out the car.
“Well, you’ll like it,” I told him. Tanner just glanced at me and smiled. We got out of the car and headed into the restaurant and were led to a table by a smiley waitress.
For most of the meal, our conversation was positive, nothing like our conversation from the night before. At first, Tanner seemed kind of distant, but he quickly warmed up to me and started talking. I often found myself just staring at him as he talked. I’d never found someone quite as fascinating as Tanner. “So, um, where did you go to university?” he asked and I blinked as I realised I had to speak and couldn’t just stare at him anymore.
“Southampton,” I said and he nodded. “Are you gonna go to uni?”
“My dad wants me to,” he said with a shrug.
“Do you want to?” I asked and he frowned.
“I haven’t really thought about it,” he said.
“Do you know what you want to do in the future?” I asked him and he shrugged.
“My dad wants me to inherit his company…” he said and I frowned. “What?” he asked somewhat defensively.
“How about, the next time I ask you a question, you don’t start with ‘my dad wants’, okay?” I said and he bit his lip before nodding.
“Okay,” he mumbled.
“So, what do you want to do in the future?” I asked again.
“If I had the choice,” he said, “I’d probably…maybe want to work in social services.” My eyes widened at the unexpected answer.
“Really?” I asked, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. “Why?”
“I’d like to help kids go to good homes,” he said. I could tell we were starting to get into a dangerous area, but before I could speak, Tanner continued. “Homes where they’re valued and loved and listened to. With good people, not just good belongings and fancy cars and expensive food.” I reached over the table to take his hand in mine, squeezing tight.
“Tanner,” I said softly. His eyes came up to meet mine and a blush formed on his cheeks as he pulled his hand from mine.
“I’ve never told anyone what I wanted to do before,” he said. “Not even Kale, my best friend.” I paused at that. Not at the fact that he’d told me something no one else knew, but the fact that he had a best friend. Don’t get me wrong, I think Tanner deserves to have loads of friends, but…I do see him as more of a loner type.
“What’s Kale like?” I asked, genuinely interested. Tanner smiled gently.
“He’s pretty shy and quiet,” he said. “He’s the sweetest guy I know, he’s always trying to get me out of trouble. Especially at school. I’m pretty sure that if it weren’t for him, I’d have been expelled several times by now.” I smiled gently, Kale clearly meant a lot to Tanner.
“Have you and he…ever…?” I trailed off, but Tanner knew what I was implying.
“No!” he cried. “Kale is like my baby brother. Besides, I go for older guys.” He grinned at me in a way that made my lower stomach tense up.
“Is 24 old enough for you?” I asked him, my voice soundly oddly strained in my ears. Tanner smirked.
“Yeah,” he grinned. We stared at each other for a minute before I lowered my gaze. “So, what did you have planned for after dinner?” he asked and I looked up at him again.
“Um,” I stammered. I hadn’t actually had anything else planned; I didn’t think he’d want to do anything else. “We could go back to mine, if you want?” I suggested. Tanner grinned and nodded.
About half an hour later, I pulled to stop on the kerb outside my flat. “So, um, here we are,” I said as we got out of the car. Part of me felt kind of embarrassed to be showing Tanner my flat when he lived in that massive mansion. But there was no going back now. We went into the building and then up the 2 flights of stairs to my door. I unlocked it and then pushed the door open, letting Tanner walk in front of me. He wandered into my flat while I shut and locked the door behind us.
“It’s nice,” he said when he reappeared from the living room.
“Thanks,” I shrugged. “It’s not too bad.” He smiled at me and moved slightly closer to me.
“So, what was your plan now?” he asked and I swallowed.
“Um-“ I whispered, but then Tanner’s lips were on mine and all coherent thought flew out of my head. My arms immediately circled round his waist, pulling him close to me. Tanner whimpered in the back of his throat as my tongue touched his lips and moved into his mouth. I gently pushed him backwards, carefully manoeuvring us into the living room. I sat on the sofa, bringing Tanner down with me. Tanner immediately moved to straddle my lap. Our lips didn’t separate once.
Before I even realised what was happening, Tanner’s hands were under my shirt. I moaned softly as his hands explored my chest and my back but when they reached down and started unbuttoning my jeans, I pulled back. “Woah,” I said, pulling his hands away. “What are you doing?”
“What?” he asked with a confused frown.
“Why so fast?” I asked him and he shrugged, lowering his gaze.
“I like you,” he mumbled and I couldn’t help but smile.
“I like you, too,” I said, bringing my hand up to his chin to encourage him to meet my gaze. “But, um…I’ve never um…you know.” Tanner’s eyes widened and he pulled back a bit.
“Seriously?” he asked and I blushed as I shrugged. “Why?”
“I dunno.” It was my turn to mumble now. “I guess I’ve just been looking for the right guy.” Tanner let out a humourless laugh.
“Yeah, me too,” he said. “We just have different ways of looking for him.” I looked at him curiously.
“What’s your way?” I asked, already half knowing. Tanner frowned and glancing at me before climbing off my lap to sit beside me.
“Do you promise not to…I dunno, judge me?” he whispered and I nodded.
“Of course,” I whispered.
“I guess my way is…to sleep with a guy to keep him interested…” he said. Oh, Tanner, I thought, your father truly messed you up. I reached for his hand and squeezed it tight.
“I’m sticking around,” I whispered. He raised his head and met my gaze, a small smile on his face. He leant in and kissed me gently. “Now, how about we watch a movie and then I’ll drop you home?”
“That sounds good,” he whispered and I smiled.
“My dvds are over there,” I said, pointing to the shelf. “You can pick.” Tanner smiled and rose from the sofa.
“You have, like, 5 Pokemon movies…” he said and a blush rose to my cheeks. Tanner grinned at me. “I can’t decide if that’s sad or cute…”
“Definitely cute,” I said, standing up and crossing to room to scan my dvds from beside him. Tanner just chuckled before placing a kiss to my cheek. I reached for his hand and entwined our fingers.
--
The next few months passed in a perfect blue. I worked like usual, but I stopped doing so much over time and spent time with my boyfriend instead. We kept it a secret from Mr Powell, for obvious reasons. I didn’t want to get fired, for starters. Before I even knew it, Tanner and I had been together for almost 4 months. And it was the most amazing relationship I’d ever had. We still hadn’t done anything intimate and that wasn’t only because I wasn’t ready yet. Tanner had slowed down on it, too. I think he was starting to realise that I wasn’t going anywhere, I really was sticking around. Sure we kissed a lot and our hands sometimes went a bit too far, but that was good – really good – so I wasn’t going to complain. Our hands had always stayed above the clothes…even if sometimes they were in…intimate areas.
Tanner still came in to see his dad every week like normal. It was an awkward time when he had to pretend he hated me and I had to pretend to find him irritating. One afternoon, however, he showed up out of the blue. It wasn’t in Mr Powell’s calendar that he had a meeting with his son. “Hey,” Tanner greeted me with a wide smile. I just smiled back. I loved how much he’d changed since we’d been going out. He was so much calmer now, not so set on doing anything to get his dad’s attention.
“Hey,” I smiled. I so badly wanted to kiss him, to hold him, just touch him. Mr Powell wasn’t in his office, but I just couldn’t risk it. “He isn't here, he said he was going to get coffee,” I told him.
“Yeah, I just ran into him in the hallway,” he said, closing my office door behind him. “He said he was going for a walk seeing as the weather is so nice. So I’ve got you to myself for a while.” He crossed the room and straddled my lap, pressing his body to mine. My hands moved to his hips, pulling him close, even though I was kind of anxious about it.
“Are you sure?” I asked, nervously glancing at the door. The very last thing I wanted was for Mr Powell to catch us like this.
“I’m sure,” he nodded. “He’ll be at least half an hour.” With that, he lowered his lips to mine and kissed me. I forgot all about where we were and just kissed him back. He was such a good kisser. Tanner pulled back for a moment to take my glasses off before he returned his lips to mine. My hands skimmed down his body before resting on his arse. He started rotating his hips on mine and I couldn’t hold back my moan. Tanner’s hand was suddenly between our bodies at my trousers. “Looks like I finally got a rise out of you, huh?” he grinned, rubbing me through my trousers. I just groaned, pulling him back down to kiss him. Tanner’s lips slowly moved away from mine as he started kissing my jaw and then down my neck. I moaned and let my head fall back to give him space. He slid down to his knees in front of me and I felt a jolt of panic. I glanced at the door.
“What are you doing?” I whispered. I knew what he was doing, I wasn’t stupid. We’d never done anything like this before and I wasn’t sure if I wanted our first time of being properly intimate to be in my office in his dad’s company while we could be caught.
“Don’t worry,” Tanner smiled up at me. “Let me take care of you.” He unbuttoned and unzipped my trousers and pulled them and my underwear down just enough. He then took me in his mouth and I groaned, biting my lip hard to keep as quiet as possible. I forgot all my reservations once again.
“Oh, God,” I moaned. He was just…so good.
And then the door opened. “What the hell!?” I heard Mr Powell shout. Shit! I quickly pulled my trousers back up, but there was no way he wouldn’t know what had been going on. I grabbed my glasses and quickly put them back on. Tanner slowly rose to his feet, wiping his mouth as he did so. I looked at Mr Powell and saw he’d dropped his coffee on the floor. Tanner had lied? Why would he do that? I turned to look at him to find him staring at his dad, waiting for him to explode. And it hit me, he’d used me. He’d used me to get his dad angry, to get his dad to give him some attention. I felt my heart twist painfully in my chest, like Tanner had reached inside and clenched it in his fist. Tanner looked so pleased with himself.
“Mr Powell, I-“
“You’re fired,” he said. I felt my world suddenly crashed around me as all the breath was sucked from my lungs. I lowered my head and nodded. That wasn’t really unreasonable. “I want you out in 10 minutes.”
“Yes, sir,” I whispered. I quickly grabbed my bag and jacket and moved around my desk. I glanced at Tanner, who was still staring at his dad, still waiting for him to pay attention to him.
“And stay the hell away from my son,” Mr Powell said. Tanner’s gaze finally moved to me and a flash of guilt entered his gaze before his expression returned to its old coldness. I looked back at Mr Powell and nodded. With that, I left the office.
I worked long hours, usually 8-8, but Mr Powell was always here before I was and stayed much later. I knew he couldn’t spend all that much time at home. I felt sorry for Tanner, I really did. Having a father who was so completely oblivious must be heart breaking. Which was why I didn’t let the things he did get to me. He clearly wanted me to get angry, to break, but I wasn’t going to. In a way it was like dealing with a stubborn child. Except this child was 17 years old and freaking gorgeous.
The second my eyes had laid on Tanner when I started working for Mr Powell just over a year ago, my breath had caught in my throat. I looked passed the scowl, the dyed hair, the many piercings, the eye liner and saw an innocent, fragile boy. Of course, at that time, he’d only been 15 and I felt kind of weird acknowledging my attraction. But he was 17 now, above the legal age. Sure, he was my boss’ son, so nothing could happen between us, but still…I could fantasize that something could, right? There was no harm in that.
I always looked forward to Tanner’s weekly meetings with his father. Even though we never really had a conversation, I liked just being near him. I liked seeing that he was still here. Sometimes I did worry that he’d just get fed up of trying to get his dad’s attention and just leave. Whenever he strolled into my office, I couldn’t help but sigh in relief.
Mr Powell walked out of his office a few minutes after Tanner had left and sighed. “I don’t know what happened to that boy,” he said, half to me and half to himself. I didn’t reply, because I knew he wouldn’t like my answer. What happened, was that his father had prioritised his business over his son. “Do you think a boarding school would help straighten him out?” This time, the question was directed at me. I kept my expression neutral, hiding my disbelief at how ignorant he was about his own son.
“No,” I shook my head. “I think sending him away would just make things worse.”
“Well there’s got to be something I can do about this,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “His therapist is clearly doing nothing for him…” There was so much I could say, but it wasn’t my place. I had no right giving my boss parenting advice.
“Maybe it’s a phase,” I said. “Maybe he’ll just grow out of it at some point.” Mr Powell just made a vague sound of agreement and went back into his office. I sighed and turned back to my computer to continue working.
--
That night I got home and flopped onto my sofa. I flicked the television on a played the recordings I had of Pokémon. So sue me, I’m 24 and still love that show. I pulled my bag onto the sofa beside me to sort through the paperwork I’d brought home to work on overnight and my gaze landed on a contract proposal for tomorrow morning’s meeting. “Shit,” I muttered, picking up the papers. I should have given them to Mr Powell before I left. I rang the office, but it went to voicemail. I glanced at the clock. It was just gone 10 o’clock, Mr Powell must have just left for the night. I sighed and pulled my jacket back on. I phoned Mr Powell’s mobile as I walked down to my car.
“Yeah,” he said as the call connected.
“Hi, Sir,” I said as I got into my car. “I’ve just found the proposal for tomorrow morning. I forgot to give it to you, but I’m on my way now.”
“I’m heading home,” he said. “Just bring it over, I’ll look over it tonight.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in about 20 minutes,” I said before ending the call. I’d been to Mr Powell’s house a couple of times before, so I knew the way.
As always, I was in awe of my boss’ house. It was like a mansion. But I supposed that was just the sort of homes CEOs lived in. It even had a security gate and everything.
I drove up the driveway and parked in front of the front door. It was quarter to 11 when I got to the house, but I knew Mr Powell would still be in his office working. I rang the doorbell and a few minutes later, the door opened. “Sorry, sir,” I said, handing him the papers.
“Good thing you noticed,” he said. I just nodded. “Thanks, Ashton. See you in the morning.” And with that, he closed the door. I turned back to my car with a sigh. I was exhausted and couldn’t wait to get home to sleep.
“Hey,” a voice called behind me and I turned. It was Tanner’s voice, but I couldn’t see him.
“Tanner?” I called, peering into the darkness.
“Up here,” he said. I looked up and found Tanner sitting on a flat portion of the roof.
“What are you doing on the roof?” I asked him, moving closer.
“I always come up here,” he said with a shrug. “Climb up.” I looked at him like he was crazy and he rolled his eyes. “It’s easy, I do it all the time. See that trellis? It’s really strong, it’ll hold you up. Probably.”
“Are you calling me fat?” I asked him as I started climbing up.
“Not fat…just pudgy,” he said and I rolled my eyes, knowing he wasn’t serious. I reached the roof and looked over at him and realised that he was surrounded by blankets, biscuits, thermoses and books.
“Is this where you come at night, when your parents think you’re out?” I asked him.
“Do you always listen in on my dad’s meetings?” he asked, glaring at me.
“It’s hard not to when everyone’s shouting like you were,” I shrugged, sitting down beside him. I glanced at him but he was looking out across the gardens. “Pretty good view,” I said, looking across the gardens and towards the lights of the town in the distance.
We sat in silence for a little while and I eventually turned to him. “I know it can't be easy,” I said quietly, “with him as your dad.”
“Don’t even try to say you understand,” Tanner said with a humourless laugh.
“I wasn’t going to,” I said. “I’m just saying that…I guess, I see why you act the way you do.”
“I act the way I do because I enjoy it,” he said. “Getting people angry is fun. Pushing them until I get a rise out of them…it’s what I’m good at.”
“Well you haven’t managed to get a rise out of me yet,” I pointed out.
“I know, you’re on my list,” he said and I couldn’t help but smile. Sitting with him like this, away from the office, away from his dad, away from everyone else, he was so different. Sure, he still had a bit of a hardness to him, but not every word out of his mouth was dripping with scorn.
“I think there’s much more to you than people think,” I said, looking out into the darkness. From the corner of my eye, I saw Tanner turn to me. “And I think once people realise that, you’ll be a lot less angry.”
“You think I’m angry?” Tanner asked, his voice suddenly hard. I turned to him and considered him for a moment before answer honestly.
“I think you’re angry at your dad and you act out because of that,” I told him. “You’re pissed because your dad never has time for you and now you spend your every waking second trying to get his attention by doing stuff that you know he wouldn’t approve of.”
“Thanks for the analysis,” he said, rolling his eyes, though I could see that I was starting to get to him.
“I think you hide behind all this behaviour because you don’t want your dad or your teachers or your therapist to see just how hurt you are,” I continued. Tanner’s dark eyes hardened and he glared at me.
“Shut up,” he growled.
“I think under all this attitude, you’re just a 17 year old boy who is desperate for his father’s attention,” I said. “You’re scared and lonely and-“
“I said shut up!” he shouted and I stopped. I looked up and met his glare with my calm gaze.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Tanner,” I told him. “It doesn’t make you weak to want your father’s attention.”
“I don’t care about him,” he said but I could hear the shake in his voice. “He means next to nothing to me.”
“Okay,” I said calmly.
We sat in silence for a few minutes before Tanner turned to me. “What gives you the right to think you can say all that shit about me?” he asked. “You’re not so perfect yourself, you know.”
“I never claimed to be perfect,” I told him.
“No, but my dad thinks you are,” he said and I frowned. “Even when he’s home it’s all about you. Ashton did this, Ashton did that. To him, you can do no wrong.” I’m pretty sure that wasn’t true, but I had nothing to argue with.
“Even so, you’re his son,” I said. “No one could ever be as important to him as you are.”
“I think his company comes pretty close,” he said bitterly. I stayed quiet, because I didn’t know what to say to convince him otherwise.
I turned to Tanner to find him already looking at me. “Maybe he just wants me to be more like you,” he said. “Nerdy.” I rolled my eyes and looked away again.
“He doesn’t want you to be like me, he wants you to be you,” I said.
“Hmm,” he sighed.
“He does,” I said. “Because I think you’re a pretty awesome person. He just maybe hasn’t seen that yet.”
“You do?” he asked quietly and I turned back to him.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “You aren’t afraid to be yourself. And you don’t take crap from anyone. That makes you pretty awesome to me.” Tanner smiled slightly, looking down as his cheeks turned a light shake of pink. I smiled to myself and looked away from him again. “Don’t you get cold sitting up here?” I asked and he shrugged.
“Sometimes,” he said. “Tonight it’s not so bad. But I prefer sitting out here. It helps me think.”
“What do you think about?” I asked him. He was silent for a moment and I didn’t think I’d get an answer.
“What I could do better,” he whispered after a moment. “To make me a better son.”
“Hey,” I said, nudging him with my shoulder. “You’re not a bad son.” I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault but his father’s, but I couldn’t tell how that would go down. Tanner sighed.
“I’m glad you think so at least,” he mumbled.
“Look at me, Tanner,” I said, turning to face him properly. He slowly raised his head and his dark blue gaze met mine. “There is nothing wrong with you. I think it’s amazing. The fact that you feel so deeply about this, it just proves that you’re-“ I was cut off by Tanner’s lips on mine. I stared at his closed eyes for a moment, kissed him back for a moment, before I pushed him away. “What are you doing?” I whispered.
“Kissing you,” he smiled. I blinked at him. He inched closer to me once again and when he sensed I wouldn’t stop him, he pressed his lips back on mine. This time, my eyes slid closer and I brought my hand up to the back of Tanner’s neck. I’d never kissed someone with lip piercings before. It felt strange. But a good strange. Our kiss deepened and Tanner moved to straddle me. My hands moved up and down his back before resting on his hips, my fingers curling around the belt loops on his jeans.
I pulled back when I needed to breath and looked into his eyes. “Tanner,” I whispered, still enchanted by his kiss. He smiled at me, pecking my lips twice more. “Will you have dinner with me tomorrow?” I asked him.
“Aw, well aren’t you charming?” he asked, a smirk on his lips. “Yes, I will.” I smiled at him and his smirk slowly melted into a smile.
“I should probably get going,” I said. I wasn’t even sure how long I’d been sitting up there for. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow, at 6?”
“Sounds good,” he said and smiled and I kissed him once more before climbing down the trellis and walking back over to my car. I sped away, glancing towards the dark part of the roof where I knew Tanner would be.
--
It felt weird leaving work while the sun was up. Mr Powell didn’t question my leaving early, because my day officially ended at 5 o’clock, I just normally worked extra. But not that night.
I hadn’t been able to keep my mind focused for the whole day. All I could think of was the feeling of Tanner’s lips on mine. I hadn’t kissed that many people before, only 3, but Tanner had wiped them from my memory. As I drove over to pick Tanner up, I couldn’t help but smile. I was finally going to be able to spend time with him, actually get to know him.
As soon as I parked in front of Tanner’s house, the front door opened and he smiled. After closing the door behind him, he walked down the stairs and then jumped into my car. “Hi,” he smiled and I smiled back.
“Hey,” I smiled.
“How was work?” he asked and I shrugged.
“Fine,” I smiled. “Though I kept getting distracted every time I thought about you.”
“You were thinking about me?” he asked, surprise evident in his voice.
“Of course,” I smiled. “All day.” Tanner smiled, his cheeks turning a light pink. I just smiled and started the car and headed down the driveway.
“So where are we going?” Tanner asked after a few minutes of silence.
“My favourite restaurant,” I smiled.
“Which is?” he asked. I just smiled but kept quiet. Tanner pouted but I wasn’t going to tell him.
About 20 minutes later we pulled into a car park of a restaurant called The Black Swan. It was a little place, not very busy, but the staff were friendly and the food was really good. “I’ve never been here before,” Tanner said as we got out the car.
“Well, you’ll like it,” I told him. Tanner just glanced at me and smiled. We got out of the car and headed into the restaurant and were led to a table by a smiley waitress.
For most of the meal, our conversation was positive, nothing like our conversation from the night before. At first, Tanner seemed kind of distant, but he quickly warmed up to me and started talking. I often found myself just staring at him as he talked. I’d never found someone quite as fascinating as Tanner. “So, um, where did you go to university?” he asked and I blinked as I realised I had to speak and couldn’t just stare at him anymore.
“Southampton,” I said and he nodded. “Are you gonna go to uni?”
“My dad wants me to,” he said with a shrug.
“Do you want to?” I asked and he frowned.
“I haven’t really thought about it,” he said.
“Do you know what you want to do in the future?” I asked him and he shrugged.
“My dad wants me to inherit his company…” he said and I frowned. “What?” he asked somewhat defensively.
“How about, the next time I ask you a question, you don’t start with ‘my dad wants’, okay?” I said and he bit his lip before nodding.
“Okay,” he mumbled.
“So, what do you want to do in the future?” I asked again.
“If I had the choice,” he said, “I’d probably…maybe want to work in social services.” My eyes widened at the unexpected answer.
“Really?” I asked, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. “Why?”
“I’d like to help kids go to good homes,” he said. I could tell we were starting to get into a dangerous area, but before I could speak, Tanner continued. “Homes where they’re valued and loved and listened to. With good people, not just good belongings and fancy cars and expensive food.” I reached over the table to take his hand in mine, squeezing tight.
“Tanner,” I said softly. His eyes came up to meet mine and a blush formed on his cheeks as he pulled his hand from mine.
“I’ve never told anyone what I wanted to do before,” he said. “Not even Kale, my best friend.” I paused at that. Not at the fact that he’d told me something no one else knew, but the fact that he had a best friend. Don’t get me wrong, I think Tanner deserves to have loads of friends, but…I do see him as more of a loner type.
“What’s Kale like?” I asked, genuinely interested. Tanner smiled gently.
“He’s pretty shy and quiet,” he said. “He’s the sweetest guy I know, he’s always trying to get me out of trouble. Especially at school. I’m pretty sure that if it weren’t for him, I’d have been expelled several times by now.” I smiled gently, Kale clearly meant a lot to Tanner.
“Have you and he…ever…?” I trailed off, but Tanner knew what I was implying.
“No!” he cried. “Kale is like my baby brother. Besides, I go for older guys.” He grinned at me in a way that made my lower stomach tense up.
“Is 24 old enough for you?” I asked him, my voice soundly oddly strained in my ears. Tanner smirked.
“Yeah,” he grinned. We stared at each other for a minute before I lowered my gaze. “So, what did you have planned for after dinner?” he asked and I looked up at him again.
“Um,” I stammered. I hadn’t actually had anything else planned; I didn’t think he’d want to do anything else. “We could go back to mine, if you want?” I suggested. Tanner grinned and nodded.
About half an hour later, I pulled to stop on the kerb outside my flat. “So, um, here we are,” I said as we got out of the car. Part of me felt kind of embarrassed to be showing Tanner my flat when he lived in that massive mansion. But there was no going back now. We went into the building and then up the 2 flights of stairs to my door. I unlocked it and then pushed the door open, letting Tanner walk in front of me. He wandered into my flat while I shut and locked the door behind us.
“It’s nice,” he said when he reappeared from the living room.
“Thanks,” I shrugged. “It’s not too bad.” He smiled at me and moved slightly closer to me.
“So, what was your plan now?” he asked and I swallowed.
“Um-“ I whispered, but then Tanner’s lips were on mine and all coherent thought flew out of my head. My arms immediately circled round his waist, pulling him close to me. Tanner whimpered in the back of his throat as my tongue touched his lips and moved into his mouth. I gently pushed him backwards, carefully manoeuvring us into the living room. I sat on the sofa, bringing Tanner down with me. Tanner immediately moved to straddle my lap. Our lips didn’t separate once.
Before I even realised what was happening, Tanner’s hands were under my shirt. I moaned softly as his hands explored my chest and my back but when they reached down and started unbuttoning my jeans, I pulled back. “Woah,” I said, pulling his hands away. “What are you doing?”
“What?” he asked with a confused frown.
“Why so fast?” I asked him and he shrugged, lowering his gaze.
“I like you,” he mumbled and I couldn’t help but smile.
“I like you, too,” I said, bringing my hand up to his chin to encourage him to meet my gaze. “But, um…I’ve never um…you know.” Tanner’s eyes widened and he pulled back a bit.
“Seriously?” he asked and I blushed as I shrugged. “Why?”
“I dunno.” It was my turn to mumble now. “I guess I’ve just been looking for the right guy.” Tanner let out a humourless laugh.
“Yeah, me too,” he said. “We just have different ways of looking for him.” I looked at him curiously.
“What’s your way?” I asked, already half knowing. Tanner frowned and glancing at me before climbing off my lap to sit beside me.
“Do you promise not to…I dunno, judge me?” he whispered and I nodded.
“Of course,” I whispered.
“I guess my way is…to sleep with a guy to keep him interested…” he said. Oh, Tanner, I thought, your father truly messed you up. I reached for his hand and squeezed it tight.
“I’m sticking around,” I whispered. He raised his head and met my gaze, a small smile on his face. He leant in and kissed me gently. “Now, how about we watch a movie and then I’ll drop you home?”
“That sounds good,” he whispered and I smiled.
“My dvds are over there,” I said, pointing to the shelf. “You can pick.” Tanner smiled and rose from the sofa.
“You have, like, 5 Pokemon movies…” he said and a blush rose to my cheeks. Tanner grinned at me. “I can’t decide if that’s sad or cute…”
“Definitely cute,” I said, standing up and crossing to room to scan my dvds from beside him. Tanner just chuckled before placing a kiss to my cheek. I reached for his hand and entwined our fingers.
--
The next few months passed in a perfect blue. I worked like usual, but I stopped doing so much over time and spent time with my boyfriend instead. We kept it a secret from Mr Powell, for obvious reasons. I didn’t want to get fired, for starters. Before I even knew it, Tanner and I had been together for almost 4 months. And it was the most amazing relationship I’d ever had. We still hadn’t done anything intimate and that wasn’t only because I wasn’t ready yet. Tanner had slowed down on it, too. I think he was starting to realise that I wasn’t going anywhere, I really was sticking around. Sure we kissed a lot and our hands sometimes went a bit too far, but that was good – really good – so I wasn’t going to complain. Our hands had always stayed above the clothes…even if sometimes they were in…intimate areas.
Tanner still came in to see his dad every week like normal. It was an awkward time when he had to pretend he hated me and I had to pretend to find him irritating. One afternoon, however, he showed up out of the blue. It wasn’t in Mr Powell’s calendar that he had a meeting with his son. “Hey,” Tanner greeted me with a wide smile. I just smiled back. I loved how much he’d changed since we’d been going out. He was so much calmer now, not so set on doing anything to get his dad’s attention.
“Hey,” I smiled. I so badly wanted to kiss him, to hold him, just touch him. Mr Powell wasn’t in his office, but I just couldn’t risk it. “He isn't here, he said he was going to get coffee,” I told him.
“Yeah, I just ran into him in the hallway,” he said, closing my office door behind him. “He said he was going for a walk seeing as the weather is so nice. So I’ve got you to myself for a while.” He crossed the room and straddled my lap, pressing his body to mine. My hands moved to his hips, pulling him close, even though I was kind of anxious about it.
“Are you sure?” I asked, nervously glancing at the door. The very last thing I wanted was for Mr Powell to catch us like this.
“I’m sure,” he nodded. “He’ll be at least half an hour.” With that, he lowered his lips to mine and kissed me. I forgot all about where we were and just kissed him back. He was such a good kisser. Tanner pulled back for a moment to take my glasses off before he returned his lips to mine. My hands skimmed down his body before resting on his arse. He started rotating his hips on mine and I couldn’t hold back my moan. Tanner’s hand was suddenly between our bodies at my trousers. “Looks like I finally got a rise out of you, huh?” he grinned, rubbing me through my trousers. I just groaned, pulling him back down to kiss him. Tanner’s lips slowly moved away from mine as he started kissing my jaw and then down my neck. I moaned and let my head fall back to give him space. He slid down to his knees in front of me and I felt a jolt of panic. I glanced at the door.
“What are you doing?” I whispered. I knew what he was doing, I wasn’t stupid. We’d never done anything like this before and I wasn’t sure if I wanted our first time of being properly intimate to be in my office in his dad’s company while we could be caught.
“Don’t worry,” Tanner smiled up at me. “Let me take care of you.” He unbuttoned and unzipped my trousers and pulled them and my underwear down just enough. He then took me in his mouth and I groaned, biting my lip hard to keep as quiet as possible. I forgot all my reservations once again.
“Oh, God,” I moaned. He was just…so good.
And then the door opened. “What the hell!?” I heard Mr Powell shout. Shit! I quickly pulled my trousers back up, but there was no way he wouldn’t know what had been going on. I grabbed my glasses and quickly put them back on. Tanner slowly rose to his feet, wiping his mouth as he did so. I looked at Mr Powell and saw he’d dropped his coffee on the floor. Tanner had lied? Why would he do that? I turned to look at him to find him staring at his dad, waiting for him to explode. And it hit me, he’d used me. He’d used me to get his dad angry, to get his dad to give him some attention. I felt my heart twist painfully in my chest, like Tanner had reached inside and clenched it in his fist. Tanner looked so pleased with himself.
“Mr Powell, I-“
“You’re fired,” he said. I felt my world suddenly crashed around me as all the breath was sucked from my lungs. I lowered my head and nodded. That wasn’t really unreasonable. “I want you out in 10 minutes.”
“Yes, sir,” I whispered. I quickly grabbed my bag and jacket and moved around my desk. I glanced at Tanner, who was still staring at his dad, still waiting for him to pay attention to him.
“And stay the hell away from my son,” Mr Powell said. Tanner’s gaze finally moved to me and a flash of guilt entered his gaze before his expression returned to its old coldness. I looked back at Mr Powell and nodded. With that, I left the office.