Here With You

“So what’s good here?” I on a bar stool and looked over a menu that was covered in grease.

“Their burgers are to die for!” Nathan replied as he threw his head back in emphasis. “I usually get the ranch burger.”

I crinkled my nose, “pleases tell me you’re kidding.”

“No, what’s wrong with a ranch burger?!”

“Ranch is disgusting! How can you eat it?”

“How can you not?! I would die!”

“The world could use a few less ranch lovers,” I teased. I glanced over the menu, still unable to decide, “have you ever had their chicken?”

“Nope! This place is known for their burgers.”

“I don’t eat hamburger meat…”

“I would seriously get up and leave right now if your music taste wasn’t so good!”

“What a relief,” I rolled my eyes.

“Why don’t you eat it?”

“I just don’t like the taste of it. I like steak and whatnot, but there’s just something about ground hamburger that makes my stomach uneasy.” I made a disgusted face.

We continued talking, but I was having a hard time concentrating, more and more people were beginning to show up; most likely because it was a Friday night. The familiar feeling of a tight throat, sweaty palms, and bouncy legs began to creep up on me. I felt like I had to get out. I began digging my nails into my thighs, pinching them hard; it made my anxiety easier to deal with. I concentrated on my breathing, in through my nose, out through my mouth. I took a drink of my ice water and tried to pay attention to what Nathan was saying.

Before I knew it I was standing up, “I have to use the restroom.” I quickly sped off, weaving through people, not caring if I bumped them or bothering to apologize. I needed out. I reached the bathroom only to find out there was a line that extended out the door. I spun on my heels and began running towards the parking lot. Out. Out. Out. I need out. Run faster. Keep running. Almost there.Relief began to wash over me as I reached the sidewalk away from all of the people. I slowed my pace and found it was easier for me to breathe. The sick feeling went away with ever step I took. I looked down at my right thigh and saw a bright red blotch around the area where I had pinched myself over and over.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and dialed a number I knew by heart. I put the phone up to my ear and listened to it ring.

“Hey!” I felt calm as soon as I heard Zach’s voice.

“Can you come pick me up?” I choked out. Nausea still lingering and my throat still feeling constricted.

“Val, what’s wrong?”

“Can you just pick me up please, I’m down by the boardwalk.” I placed a clammy hand on my forehead and closed my eyes.

“Yeah—yeah of course. I’ll be there soon okay?”

“Can you hurry?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in less then ten minutes, okay?”

“Thank you.” I hung up and returned my phone back to my pocket. I sat down on the curb and put my head in my hands. I ditched Nathan. By now he was probably wondering where I was, our food had probably arrived and he was most likely about to go and check the bathroom. There was no doubt about it; he was no fan or friend of mine anymore.

I heard a car approaching and looked up to see Zach. I got up and hopped into his car, avoiding eye contact.

“Valerie, what happened?”

I shook my head; I didn’t want to talk about it.

“Val, something happened. You look scared and you’re practically shaking.”

I finally managed to look at him. His blue eyes searched my face before meeting mine. I began to tear up and simply shook my head again and then I began sobbing uncontrollably.

I was still crying when we got to Zach’s house, he helped me out of the car and into his house. I walked straight to his room, passing a confused Vic, and plopping down onto his unmade bed. Zach entered moments later with Advil and a box of Kleenex. He sad down on the end of his bed and patted my foot.

“What happened, Val?” he asked quietly.

I rolled onto my side to face him. “Nathan and I went to this burger joint on the boardwalk.” I started, though I was unable to finish.

Zach cut me off, “What did he do to you, Val?” He was pissed.

I shook my head, “I had an anxiety attack and I just—just left him there. I tried to work through it, I really did, but I couldn’t and I-I just had to get out.” I paused, taking a deep, shaky breath in, those ones you get after crying. “I’m so fucked up. I can’t even go to a public place and have a good time without having an attack. God, do you know how pathetic I am?” I quickly wiped away more tears as breakdown number two started. “My own brother, that is eight is okay in public places. What’s so wrong with me that I can’t handle it.”

Zach stood up and pulled me up off of the bed and into a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him as tight as I could. “You’re not pathetic, Valerie. You’re not fucked up, you just have this disorder, this-this monster that consumes you. If I could take it away from you I would, I’d take it and deal with it so you wouldn’t have to. It sucks, and it hurts seeing you like this, knowing there is nothing can do…”

“I’m tired of this, I can’t do it anymore.” I mumbled into his chest.

I felt him hug me tighter and kiss the top of my head, “You can’t talk like that.” We were both quiet, still embracing each other. One of his hands rubbed my back as I tried to stop crying. I slowly pulled back, wiping under my eyes to get rid of the mascara, though it probably didn’t help at all.

“If you want you can pretend I’m your anxiety and you can yell at me.”

I didn’t say anything. I just looked down at my feet and gathered my thoughts. When I looked up Zach looked like he was about to sit down as if I had declined his offer.

I took a sharp breath in, “I’m sick and tired of you controlling my life. I’m fucking tired of you making it impossible for me to be out in public. I hate you. I want you to go away.” I felt myself getting more angered. “I’m fucking tired of you making me miserable! And making it hard for me to be happy! I am so sick of having something wrong with me! I hate holding all of this in! I hate that you make me go to stupid therapy sessions! I hate you!” Before I knew what was happening I pushed Zach away from me, causing him to stumble backwards and bump into the wall. He regained his balance and looked at me. “I’m fucking tired of fucking crying all of the time! I’m tired of you ruining my life. I’m tired of being pathetic! I’m tired of sitting in my room and doing nothing because of you. I’m tired of missing out on opportunities! I am so fucking tired of being depressed all the time. I hate how you make me feel. I hate how you make me hate myself. I really fucking hate how you make me hate living” I yelled, I pounded my fists against Zach’s chest, and he let me. He let me punch him and scream without doing anything.

He finally grabbed my wrists to stop me. He cupped my face in his hands and rested his forehead against mine. He softly shushed me and soothed me. His thumbs wiping away my warm tears as they escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.

I reached up and grabbed his wrists. I looked up and met his eyes, “I love you. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, and I love you too, Val.”

“Is it okay if I just hang out over here?”

He nodded, “Pick out a movie, I’ll go order a pizza.” He turned around and left his room.

I walked over to Zach’s closet. It was disorganized and messy. I loved his closet. It smelt like him, a smell that always calmed me down. I grabbed a blue sweatshirt off of a hanger and threw it over my head before walking over to his TV in search of a movie to watch. I put in Dumb and Dumber and climbed on his bed, leaning back against the headboard.

Zach walked back in minutes later, “Pizza is on the way!”

“It’s about time, I was about to hit play without you.”

“Oh shut up,” he narrowed his eyes. “It did not take me that long,” he said as he sat down next to me. “So, why uh—“ he paused, ruffling his hair, “Why uh, why were you out with Nathan.”

I groaned and covered my face with a pillow. “Because,” I mumbled.

“I can’t hear you,” he grabbed the pillow and tossed it onto the floor.

“Why does it matter!”

He shrugged, “it doesn’t, I’m just wondering.”

“Well go wonder about something else.”

He sighed and returned to watching the movie. “Are you two like, dating?” he asked minutes later.

“No!” I rolled my eyes and looked down, rubbing my thumb over the red blotch on my thigh. “He just asked me if I wanted to go to that burger place with him.”

“Was it a date?”

“Zach!”

“Ohhhh, so it was!”

“No!”

“Sounds like one.”

“He was telling me about the place and then asked if I would want to go. It was not a date! Besides I ditched him ten minutes after we got there.”

“Do you like him?”

“Okay no. We are not doing this! I am not talking to you about who I like and who I don’t like! I have Sarah and Emily for that. So stop pestering me!” The doorbell rang and I jumped up to get the door. Thank god. I grabbed the cash laying on the end table by the door and handed over the fifteen dollars in exchange for the pizza.

“What’s on your leg, Val?” Zach asked as I sat down on the bed with the pizza.

I looked down at the red blotch that was still present. “Oh, nothing. I just pinched myself is all.”

“Jeez, why?”

“It makes my anxiety attacks easier,” I shrugged as I grabbed a slice out of the box and settled back against the headboard. Zach grabbed a slice out of the box and settled next to me and we returned to our movie.