I Don't Wanna Feel a Thing Anymore.

Present Day

I didn’t want to live in this world without Vic. Mike had understood. I was clearly going crazy, anyways. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just couldn’t do it.

It had been 8 days since the funeral. 12 days since Vic’s death. I couldn’t do it. I knew what was going to happen, even if I didn’t think it directly. Valerie and Beau should see it coming, also. If they didn’t, they were crazy.

I played Vic’s mixed demo CD on the drive home. It wasn’t making me as sad today. I wasn’t feeling anything anymore. I think it’s because I knew that there was closure coming. I hummed along to his comforting words.

I arrived home and was pleased to see there was no one there. I walked through the house, taking it all in, reliving old memories. The times before Beau and Val. The pancakes. The movie marathons. The times Jaime and Mike had fought over whether we were going to watch Toy Story or Harry Potter, and how Tony always ended up winning with Star Wars, anyway. I smiled at the thought of my friends. They would be okay; they could carry on without me. They all had their someone.

How would I go about this? What would be the least painful? Less for me than for whoever found me. I just wanted to be peaceful. I just wanted to be at home in the clouds, with Vic. I wouldn’t jump, home was a nicer setting. I wouldn’t hang myself; too traumatic for the finder. Cuts would be too big of a mess to clean up. So that left me with one option. It would be painless in all aspects.

First, the note. I sat down calmly at my desk once I had made it all the way back to my room. Once my pen hit the paper, the words just seemed to flow.

Dear Beau, Val, and whomever it may concern,

I know this may seem rash, but I simply cannot live without him. Before I met Vic, I wanted to die. I was planning on this long ago. This idea is nothing new. Now, what I have to live for Is gone. He promised me he’d meet me at the gates. I know he’ll be there, waiting. It’s strange, I’m at peace with dying. They say you know when it’s truly your time to go. It’s my time, I promise. You guys are amazing people. I love you, I love Jaime, I love Tony, I love Mike. I’ll see you someday.

All my love,
Kellin.

It was short enough, and to the point. I didn’t need embellishments, because that was really all I wanted to say. I felt a small pang of sadness as I pictured Beau and Valerie reading it, but it disappeared as I imagined meeting Vic again. I took out my phone and listened to the last message.

“I’ll meet you tonight.” I whispered, directing my face to the sky with a somber smile. I walked into the bathroom robotically and took Beau’s bottle of sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet. I had been stealing them to sleep, anyways. What’s a couple more gone? What’s one more person gone? Nothing. I would be so much happier looking down on the world.

I locked my door and sat down on Vic’s side of the bed. It would be painless. Just like sleeping, but forever. It would be peaceful. I read the dosage on the back. Six would probably do the trick, but I would take eight, just in case. I ruffled my hair and popped the first in my mouth, washing it down with my water.

Two down.

I waited about five minutes.

Four down.

I was getting sleepy.

Six down.

Vic, I’m coming.

Eight down.

I closed my eyes and let myself slip away.