I Don't Wanna Feel a Thing Anymore.

Present Day

I couldn’t believe it. What the hell?

“Kellin.” Jaime said levelly over the phone. I tried to speak, but no sounds came out. I dropped my phone in shock. Vic had told me all about Christian, and how him and Mike were both ashamed of their brother. And now Vic was dead because Mike was mixed up in the same activites? How much had Vic known? Clearly Mike knew was had happened, and he just wasn’t talking. Vic was dead, while Mike had espcaped unharmed, at least as far I knew. I was going to kill him. I heard Jaime’s voice yelling through the phone. I jabbed the end button violently, racing out of the parking lot.

Jaime, Tony, and Beau all called repeatedly, but I ignored them as I drove the familiar streets to Mike’s place. I hoped Frenchi wasn’t home. I pulled up in front of the small, yellow house, slamming on the brakes and running to the front door. I didn’t bother knocking; I just barged in. luckily, it was unlocked.

“MIKE! Where the hell are you?” I called out. He walked in from the living room with a confused look on his face. He seemed exhausted.

“What do you want?” He asked wearily.

“What really happened that night, Mike? I know you know. You were there. I won’t go to the police, I just want answers.” I pleaded. I realized that I was so tired, also. Tired of all this shit. I just wanted to be with Vic. Mike sighed heavily, and motioned me into the living room.

“It’s a long story.” He whispered, sitting down on the couch. I fell back onto the chair opposite him.

“I’ve got time.” I prompted.

“Look, Kellin. It wasn’t my fault-“ He started.

“I don’t give a fuck. Just give me the details.” I said, shaking my head. I was so frustrated that I was on the verge of tears.

“Fine. I’ll start at the beginning. It all started with Christian. We don’t even think of him as our brother. Anyways, he got mixed up in the gangs pretty young. Around 16. It was our cousin who got him into it, mind you that cousin is now dead. But Christian was more careful. He went out at night every night his senior year. He was buying and selling drugs, making extra cash. It wasn’t too bad at first. Vic was in college up north at UCLA, and I was at San Deigo Community College. We were close enough to keep an eye on him. One night, May of his senior year, he called me, freaking out. He said, ‘Mike, it went too far. I’m sorry. Please come down to the station.’” Mike paused; I could tell it was hard for him to say this.
“So I did. He was 18, but he was a scared little boy. I called Vic, but he couldn’t make it down from LA in time. Either way, Christian had been busted on so many charges. Armed robbery, breaking and entering, drug possession- you name it. He got a lot of jail time. They let him come to the funeral, which I was shocked by. But, either way, he had unfinished business.” Mike was crying now, but I was all cried out. I could just stare at him in a sad silence.
“I found out in June. A phone call here, a knock on the door there, I was keeping it under control. They were just trying to scare me. But about a month and a half ago, they came for me. They said I was responsible for Christian’s mess, that Vic and I would pay. I called Vic, scared out of my mind. He told me to go to the police, but I didn’t. It was so stupid, I should have, but-“ It was strange seeing a man like Mike break down.
“The night you left, I asked Vic to come with me. Just to talk. He told me they wouldn’t listen, he fucking told me. We shouldn’t have gone. We should have packed up and moved, all of us to New York. But anyways, we went. It was a trap. They weren’t leaving without someone’s life.” His voice dropped to a whisper. I moved across the small room to put my arm around him. I couldn’t hurt him.

“Mike, it’s not your fault.” I said, my voice coming out flat and weak. Mike just shook his head.

“You need him. I need him.” He sobbed, his face in his hands. In that moment, I knew I couldn’t go on living like this. Not without Vic, not with this guilt, not with this sadness for Mike, not living as a burden. I didn’t want to live anymore. It was a shitty feeling, but I couldn’t help it. I could tell Mike felt the same, but at least he had Frenchi. Everyone had someone. Except me. I had no one. I was alone. Vic was my soulmate, and I needed to be with him. I stood up quickly, feeling light headed. I started to walk towards the door. Mike followed me.

“Kellin, where are you going?” He shouted. I turned, my hand on the doorknob.

“I can’t do this anymore.” I whispered thruthfully. “Do me a solid and kill Christian for me, okay?” I let out a small, dry laugh.

“Kellin. What you choose to do with your life is up to you. I won’t stop you.” He knew he couldn’t. He swallowed hard, and set his hand heavily on my shoulder. “When you see him up there, give him my love.” I simply nodded and walked out the door, dead set on my decision. 12 days without Vic had been enough.