For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

Drew's point of view

I pulled the thin blanket up to my nose, hiding my face as I looked across the seats to where he was sleeping. I supposed I should be sleeping too, but I couldn’t; I was excited about home, about getting out of this fucking van and getting off tour, but I was also overthinking, thinking about stupid trivial things that shouldn’t even be bothering me. Then there were the harsh jolts and bumps of the van every time it hit a pothole or a rock on the ground. Honestly I didn’t know how the rest of the guys slept through this.

I could hear the slurping coming from the front seat as Shane drank from his coffee cup, desperately trying to stay awake. He was determined to get us all home tonight and even though I really didn’t trust his driving normally let alone in the middle of the night when he’s half dead, I wanted to be home too.

Everything was dark in the van, but every now and again there were random spurts of light as we drove under the street lamps. The light was enough to illuminate the whole inside though, giving me quite a decent view of his face.

The ‘him’ in question being one of my best friends, Kier Kemp. God, it’s cliché, it’s overdone, you hear it everywhere now but he…I just… I really like him. Like, a lot, like more than a friend. It’s bad. I have it so bad. Not that I’ve really been aware of it for long; I think it was the middle of tour, we were playing a show in Manchester and Kier came over to me, he wrapped his arms around my waist and planted a kiss on my cheek, just stage antics you know? Up until then I’d noticed something had been off, the way I thought about him and stuff. I could never quite put my finger on it though; until then obviously.

So now I found myself doing what I did most nights, staying up thinking while staring at him. He really was beautiful, even with his fringe clung to his forehead, still quite damp with sweat from earlier that day. He still had his makeup on, most of it having run down his face and clumped in places. Even with all that though he still looked stunning.

His eyes were closed over as he slept, his lips tugged up into a very small smile; maybe he was dreaming? I don’t know. I liked watching him sleep, it put me at ease – the way he stayed so still with his hands lying over his stomach and – I’m such a fucking creep oh my god.

I glanced over at the front seat as I felt the van slow down, we’d just pulled up at some traffic lights. Shane however wasn’t concentrating on the road any more though, he was spun around in his chair and he was looking at me, a knowing expression on his face.

“What?” I whispered, trying not to wake anyone up.

“Nothing,” he whispered back, smiling, “except, you have to tell him eventually, you know.”

I shook my head, pulling my blanket up further around myself; I was too nervous! I couldn’t tell Kier I had feelings for him at all, him and his adorable laugh and adorable smile and flicky hair and amazing personality and amazing face and- I’ve had these feelings bottled up quite a long time. Sure Shane knows I like him but he doesn’t know just quite how much. Maybe I should tell him? He is my best friend after all… No.

“I can’t,” I nibbled on my lip, “he’ll hate me! He’ll never want to see me ever again and he’ll think I’m a freak and-“

“Drew,” Shane cut me off, turning back around just as the traffic lights switched from amber to green. He began to drive again, “you know he won’t.”

“No, no he will,” I argued, looking back over to Kier again. “But whatever, I’m going to sleep. Wake me up when we’re home.” I faked a yawn and closed my eyes over, knowing that I was not going to be able to sleep tonight at all.

I wished I could though, the sooner I sleep the sooner we’re home and honestly home is the one thing I really need right now. There’s something oddly comforting about the apartment we lived in; that’s right, that all of us lived in. It was small, but it was cosy. However small it was though, it wasn’t as bad as this cramped van we’d been living in for an entire month. God I can’t wait.