Mistaken Moments

“Hey man you okay?” Ian asked Josh as they were sitting together on the plan. “You just seem so distraught.”

Josh sighed. “I am Ian. I am so glad Nikki left yesterday with mom. I just needed some time alone to think. I feel awful about everything.”

“You need to listen to your heart Josh, not what other people think you should do.”

“Fuck…..I am a mess. I am anxious to see Ella. I just need to talk to her. I tried texting her, calling her but she won’t respond. Can’t say I blame her.”

“You happy that you and Nikki are back together?”

“Sure I am.”

“If you are happy then that is great. I think we will be landing soon.” Ian said looking out the window. “Vancouver how much I have missed you.”
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Ella was sitting on her sofa, mo at her side. She had a tub of ice cream that she was snacking on. She had a stupid movie on. She had taken a LOA from the hospital, she couldn’t face the world. She felt awful. She looked awful too, swollen eyes, red nose. Hair was piled in a mess on top of her head, she wore a t-shirt and sweat pants.

She was still numb, she couldn’t believe Josh was not hers anymore. She would never get to gaze into the beautiful blue eyes, never feel his soft lips on hers or her body. Never feel his beautiful hands on her body, never feel his embrace. She could feel the tears starting to fall.
She picked up the Kleenex and blew her nose, just as she was about to attempt sleep the door bell rang. She sighed getting up. Mo ran away because he got thrown when she threw the blanket back. She walked over to the door and opened it to see Josh standing there. She just stared at him.

“Hey.” He said softly, he hated how she looked right now.

“What do you want?”

“Can I come in?”

Ella rolled her eyes and stood back to allow him entrance to her home. “Make it quick, I am tired and don’t really feel like having company.”

“Ella……..sweetheart.” he started but she cut him off.
 
“Don’t call me sweetheart again.” She snapped. “You lost that right.”

“I am really sorry Ella. I never wanted to hurt you. I have real feelings for you. It is just that I need to give Nikki another chance. I don’t want to go through my life wondering what if?”

“You life is going to be full of mistaken moments Josh…….and a lot of what ifs.” Ella snapped. “I don’t really give a fuck at what you have to say……….you made your choice and leave me alone so I can mend my broken heart and get on with my life.”

“I still want us to be friends Ella. I love……”He started but Ella stopped him

“You have to be fucking kidding me. Friends? Really Josh?” she started to cry. “I can’t even fucking be around you without wanting to touch you, or feel your touch. I can’t be your friend.”

He reached out for her, she shoved him back.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Ella come on, I am sorry let me comfort you sweetheart.”

“I said don’t fucking call me sweetheart.”

Josh tried to touch her again, she shoved him back nearly knocking him over.

“I care Ella.” He said softly. “I just want to help you feel better. I am so sorry. This is hard on me too, do you think that I feel nothing for you. You are amazing.”

“Not amazing enough.” She said wiping the tears from her eyes.

Josh closed in on her again. “Come here.” He said softly.

Ella shook her head. “Please don’t Josh. It is hard for me……..I just love you so much.”

“Love?” He asked.

“Another mistaken moment in my life. I should have told you.”

He pulled her into his arms, he kissed the top of her head. He held her while she cried. She pulled back from him and looked up at him. He wiped her tears away and brushed her hair back from her face. “I wish things were different sweetheart.”

“You need to leave.” She said softly holding his gaze, his hand was cupping her face.

“I am sorry.” He said again. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”

“I am sorry too.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“For this.” She said pulling his face to hers, and kissing him roughly. Josh didn’t even tense, he kissed her back. She tangled her fingers in his hair, the other hand slid under his t shirt. She kissed down the side of his jaw line, down to the sensitive area on his neck. He moaned softly, pressing his body against his. She pulled his shirt off over his head, and started to work at his belt buckle. He picked her up, she wrapped her legs around his waist still kissing her. He carried her into her room sitting her down on the bed.

“Ella….” He started. She silenced him with her finger over his lips.

“I want you to make love to me Josh. One last time……” she said as tear slid down her face. “I know you love Nikki…….but I just need this.” She kissed him.

“Ella…..I care about you…..”

“Shhhhh….just shut up.”
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Josh watched her sleep. He traced his finger over her lips. Her nose was red, eyes swollen. If he didn’t have responsibilities to Nikki he would be with Ella, she loved him. God he wanted to tell her that he loved her too. He did love her, with every fiber in his body and soul. He hated to have to walk away from her.

Nikki and his mom had come to see him on tour to tell him that Nikki was pregnant with his child. He didn’t even like children much let alone babies. He was not ready to be a father yet. He knew it was his baby, there were times before he meant Ella that he was not careful with Nikki when they had sex.

Just like tonight with Ella, but Ella was on the pill so that was good. He would rather have her pregnant anyway.

“Josh.” Ella whispered.

“Yes sweetheart.”

“Don’t forget me okay…….I can’t be your friend……but just know that I don’t hate you..”
He sighed. She was facing him. Her face mere inches from his. “I could never forget you.” He whispered.

“You have to leave don’t you?”

He nodded his head.

“Don’t think about me……you focus on your new album……I will deal with the fallout. I will be okay eventually.”

Josh kissed her softly before getting up to get dressed. Ella sat up in bed wrapping the sheets around her.

He turned to look at her one last time. He wanted to remember how she looked after he had made love to her. The glow in her face, she was beautiful.

“Bye sweetheart.”

“Bye Josh.” Ella said holding back tears. Once he had left she completely broke down. She knew he was leaving her to go back to Nikki, which she was going to be sleeping beside him. She was alone……she would never feel his kisses again. She knew he would be okay, not entirely sure about herself.