Back to December

The sky had no positivity to it; filled with dark grey clouds and cold breezes. I sat on an uncomfortable icy bench next to a large tree, staring at Louis, who was standing a few feet in front of me. He didn't look at me, instead he was staring at a small playground to the side. It felt a whole lot awkward. Biting my lip, I looked down at my old beaten-up converse.

I rubbed my arms harshly to keep myself warm from my lack of clothing; black skinny jeans, an old band shirt and a pair of converse.
"So... um, how's life?" I asked.

"Good. I've been really busy with the band," He replied. We small talked about work and the weather.

"How's your sisters and mom?" I haven't seen them in a while and I missed it; we were close.

"Terrific," He replied, monotonously.

His guard was up and I knew why, the last time he saw me still burned in the back of his mind. He gave me roses and I left them there to die.

Louis proposed to me on our anniversary, I panicked and ran out on him. I regret turning back around to look at him, I still remembered the look in his eyes and the expression on his face. After a few months of moping around, I knew I made a huge mistake.

I go back to December all the time.

I imagined me telling him yes a thousand times, how much my life could've changed, how I could've saved myself from so much heartbreak.

I'd go back to December and make it all right. I walked closer to Louis and stood beside him. Closing my eyes, I swallowed my pride, "I'm sorry for that night." I whispered. "I really am, I was scared and it was all so unexpected."

He nodded and continued to stare straight ahead with a blank expression.

He doesn't forgive me.

I blinked a couple of times as tears welled up in my eyes.

Well, I kind of expected that, didn't I? I thought as my tears threatened to spill out. I'm so stupid. Absolutely stupid.

I remembered the time his birthday passed, and I didn't call.
I remembered the summers, all the beautiful times.
I remembered when I realized I fell in love with him, somewhere in the fall where I watched him laugh from the passenger side.

Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind.

He gave me all his love and all I gave him was goodbye. I miss his beautiful blue eyes, his sweet smile, and how he held me in his arms that September night, the first time he ever saw me cry.

I slapped my hand on my mouth to keep a sob from escaping. I had a stuffy nose, making it hard for me to breathe.

I didn't care though. Then a wave of tears came, I removed the hand from my mouth and furiously wiped away the tears.

"I'm sorry, I-I have to go." I stuttered, not letting him see my face. "Maybe I'll see you around sometime," with that I quickly walked away. I wanted so bad for him to come after me. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that it was okay.

But he didn't.