The Sky Under the Sea

[Kellin's POV]

Heartbreak.
That’s the only word I can come up with to describe the look that flashed across his face.
“Kells...” Vic choked out, a look of desperation clinging to him. “But, I love you.”
Love.
He said he loved me.
Ha, the idea of anybody ever loving me was fucking laughable. You know who loved me?
Justin fucking loved me,
I was nothing but a petty game to him; a warm body to hold him close at night when the air was cold.
That’s what I would end up becoming to Vic if I didn’t stand my ground.
I wasn’t going to let ANYONE walk over me, and I didn’t give a shit who it was. I couldn’t let myself.
I wasn’t about to be taken prisoner by the grasp of another love spell, convinced someone cared about me.
Only to have my heart ripped out of my chest and torn into jagged, unfixable fragments.
“I don’t love you though!” I yelled, without thinking about the words. “You don’t mean anything to me...”
What a load of bullshit!
It was obvious he wasn’t going to let me walk away.
With a deep breath, I forced out the words that would literally break him. “It was all a game, Vic! We’re done!”
Turning on my heel, I pulled my hand from his grasp and walked away.
As soon as I was out of sight, I broke into a full sprint and ran towards my bus. Tears were running down my cheeks in steady streams.
“Fuck it.” I mumbled, not bothering to wipe away the physical hurt.
Throwing myself into my bunk, I closed the curtain shut and curled up in a tiny ball. I kicked off my Toms and grabbed a blanket.
“What the fuck did I do?” I gasped, closing my eyes in an attempt to keep the tears at bay.
They refused to stop, constantly running down my cheeks.
The promise ring was burning my finger, feeling as hot as a piece of welded metal. It was to the point I was certain it would leave a scar.
I took it off, twirling it between my fingers and let the lust metal glimmer in the semi-darkness.
It had two hearts intertwined near the top, showing an infinite bond and connection between the two prospect lovers.
In really tiny print, my own lyrics were carved into the band.
Reading the thoughtful phrase, my eyes filled with a fresh wave of tears as I realized what I had done.
I had ruined a perfect relationship.
The worst part was, I really loved him. I loved him with every part of my being, and I would rather die than see them suffer.
What bullshit.
There was only so much I could take, and another heartbreak wasn’t on the list of options I could live with.
The pain was unquenchable, but it would be far worse if I allowed myself to fall in love with that man.
It was the same situation with Justin; I had fallen in love with him without setting any barriers or safety nets.
I had just let myself fall headfirst into a darkened abyss I couldn’t see the ending of, with the hopes that he would be there.
He had caught me alright, but in the midst of that blinding heartfelt I hadn’t noticed he was standing on the edge of a higher cliff.
One where the water crashed against each other in hopes of claiming the next innocent soul that fell in their grasps.
Sure, Justin had caught me, but then he pushed me over an unsuspecting edge that literally shattered me.
I was a piece of broken glass in the aftermath; a piece with thousands of jagged edges that radiated a warning.
It was a piece of glass so delicate, it could crumble under the lightest of touches, but a piece of glass so broken, it would bring the holder great pain when the shards pierced through them.
That’s what I had done.
I had pierced through Vic and left him bleeding on the floor.
It was better for me, this way. Instead, I had suffered the short fall from his hands and chipped against the concrete.
If I let myself fall in love with him, he had complete control over my unkempt remnants and had the choice to throw me away.
He wrote about it, didn’t he? “What’s so good about picking up the pieces? What if I don’t even want to?”
If anything, he could throw me away and I would shatter beyond repair and become a pile of glittering dust.
Spinning the ring, I sighed as I realized it was already too late.
I was already broken.
I was already a waste of a human being with absolutely no right on this earth.
I wasn’t strong enough for anything.
The scars that marred my arms were proof that I was incapable of overcoming anything.
The strongest words I person could ever say was “I used to self-harm.”
Personally, it was the weakest thing ever.
It wasn’t a battle I had fought against myself that left marks of honor in their rightful place.
It was a tremendous war against my mind, and each cut was another battle I had lost.
Each deeper mark was my attempt to hopefully escape one day.
One day, because I was still fighting.
Fighting what though?
Did I want to be free from the arms of this condensing darkness, or did I want to be free from myself?
To cease breathing. To cease feeling. To cease living.
Stop!
These weren’t thoughts I allowed myself to think, and this wasn’t any different from those times.
It didn’t matter, I thought bitterly.
Even if I loved myself, Vic wouldn’t love me back.
He couldn’t,
I was a fucking disgrace of a human being, who infallibly fucked up time and time again.
It was like a curse.
I was destined for failure.
Why in the hell would Vic ever love that? Someone who constantly messed everything up.
It was better this way.
It was better to break up with Vic and temporarily hurt him than to let myself fall blindly again.
I don’t think I would be able to survive this time.
Only because... I had already fallen deeply in love with Victor Vincent Fuentes.
It’s not like I can escape that constant phrase.
I love him.
It’s not an attraction or a crush; it’s not the beginnings of a relationship or a friendship.
It was actual love, in it’s rawest and purest form.
“Kellin, are you in here?” someone called out, their unwanted voice echoing throughout the bus.
“Fuck.” I mumbled, hoping I wouldn’t be found.
His footsteps sounded against the floor with a gentle thudding sound as he approached the bunk room.
“Don’t bother keeping quiet.” Justin seethed, seeming pissed. “I saw your scrawny little ass run in here.”
Sighing, I wiped the remaining tears from under my dark eyelashes and pulled the curtain back with a hesitant tug.
“Yes?” I asked meekly, discreetly slipping my Toms back on under the blanket.
Fumbling under the soft cloth, I found my iPhone and tucked it into the pocket of my skinny jeans.
“I was just wondering where my best friend was.” Justin shrugged innocently, glaring at me.
“You’re not my friend...” I muttered, staring at my lap.
“I supposed you’re right.” Justin decided, climbing into my bunk and placing a hand on my chest. “But, you are a little whore, aren’t you?”
“No!”
He chuckled, straddling my lap and nipping at my collarbones.
“Easy Kellin.” he warned, working a mark onto the side of my neck. “You’re just another whore who can’t commit.”
“That would be you!” I shot back.
He didn’t like that, pulling away and letting his hand slap across my face with a fluid motion.
I could feel each facet of skin heat up, in hurt and anger.
“What the fuck!” I shouted, trying to push him off me.
“Oh, Kellin...” he smirked. “I saw Vic’s little speech during their set tonight. I also saw Vic’s face when you broke up with him.”
I kept silent.
“Why did you do it, huh?” Justin asked, trailing his lips against my neck. “Is there someone else? Are you cheating on him too?”
“Too?” I repeated.
“Don’t lie to me.” he demanded, biting down hard near my collar bone and causing me to gasp at the feeling. “I know you were cheating on me when we were dating. Don’t lie to me, you little whore.”
“I, I didn’t!” I stuttered out, hiding my face.
I wasn’t!
I couldn’t look at him and face the angry and accusing glare he was giving me.
“Bullshit!”
“Justin...!” I cried out, finally finding the strength to push him away,.
His hand was holding onto my wrist, holding it as tightly as he could.
I was beginning to lose circulation in my fingers.
“Justin...” I grunted, trying to escape.
“You actually had a hope, Kells. Yet, you fucking ruined it! All because you couldn’t stay committed to him.”
His face was too close to mine, and I could feel the alcohol lingering in his breath as he whispered ‘whore’ once more.
Breaking free, I ran off the bus and towards Pierce the Veil’s in pure instinct.
I had become accustomed to hiding away here.
Before I could realize that, I was knocking on the door with a hurried sense of urgency.
The door open and Jaime opened the door.
“Kellin!” he smiled, stepping aside to let me in the bus.
“Is Vic here?” I panted, looking wildly around the room and hoped he wasn’t.
Jaime seemed happy to see me, so I assumed he wasn’t,
“No...” Jaime trailed off, confused. “I assumed he was still with you.”
His eyes narrowed, but I waved it away.
Tony walked in from the back and stared at me cautiously.
“Kellin, what’s wrong?”
“N-nothing.” I choked out, trying to keep from crying again.
“Did something happen to Vic?” Jaime demanded, seeming worried. “Fuck, something did! We have to call Mike, and tell him to get his ass back over here!”
“Nothing happened to Vic!” I yelled, frustrated and ready to just break down as everything flooded my mind.
Jaime seemed hurt, but Tony wasn’t the least bit fazed.
“Let’s talk in the back, Kells.” Tony suggested, pulling me gently towards the back room and locking the door.
He sat down on the sofa, patting the spot next to him.
He didn’t speak, instead opened his arms for me and let me just break down crying against his chest.
“When you’re ready to start talking, I’m ready to listen.” Tony whispered, rubbing slow circles against my back.
Nodding, I tried to control the gasps and cries.
“I, I b-broke up with V-Vic.” I finally blurted out, wincing when I felt Tony tense under me.
I expected him to shove me off his lap and demand me to leave.
After all, he was Vic’s best friend and would protect him and not me, right?
“Why...” Tony asked, curiosity coloring his tone. “I thought you loved him.”
“It was so stupid.” I mumbled.
“Go on.”
“I’m, I’m just afraid Tony! I’m afraid of falling in love again and ending in the same place as with Justin! I’m afraid of trusting and falling blindly against the edge of this stupid cliff.”
“Kellin...” Tony sighed, helping me up. “I want you to understand that Vic would never do that to you. He is one of the sweetest people I know, and you can trust him wholeheartedly. He loves you, he really fucking loves you.”
When I didn’t respond, Tony continued in a soft voice. “He isn’t Justin Kells He’s been through a lot and would never do that to you. He’s been in the same position as you, and trust me, he’s just as afraid as you are. He almost didn’t give you the promise ring for this very reason. He was afraid you didn’t love him as much as he loved you. It took him everything he had to do it.”
Well, fuck.
Thanks for making me feel worse, Tony.
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad.” Tony assured, taking in the look on my face. “I just want you to know he does care There is nobody who knows and loves him better than I do. Oli knows him as much as I do, and Mike loves him as much as I do, but we have an incredible friendship. No one understood his self-harming problem better than I did, and no one is going to understand yours better than him.”
Paling at that, he chuckled lightly.
“You forgot to hide them this time.” Tony motioned, taking ahold of my bare wrist.
“Oh...”
“I’m not judging Kellin. I would be the last person on this planet to do that, but Vic does love you. Enough to want you to stop, enough to want to spend every second with you.”
He smiled softly, wrapping his arms around me tightly and just held me in a safety net of his strength.
He was so big compared to me, and it made me feel like a child.
He was so sweet and supportive and caring.
It didn’t help that he was cute...
Fuck, Kellin! Justin’s right; I am an uncommitted whore.
“What was that?” Tony asked suddenly, pulling me back. “What about Justin?”
Letting out a sigh of relief, I let myself relax.
I had almost thought he heard me calling him cute.
“Justin thought I was a whore and that’s why I broke up with Vic...” I mumbled, rubbing my wrist. “I’m not! I just panicked and told me...he didn’t mean...anything to me.”
At that, I wanted to punch myself.
I deserved to be slapped and handled roughly by Justin.
Fuck, I was such a heartless bastard!
“What’s this?” Tony asked, choosing to ignore what I had said to Vic. He was motioning towards the forming bruises on my wrist.
“Justin...” I trailed off, thinking of his firm grasp on my arm when I tried to leave earlier.
Tony growled softly under his breath.
“Did he do anything else?” he forced out, hands clenching into tight fists.
“Besides slapping me?” I asked in an innocent tone, but smirking on the inside. So what if I just threw my ex under the bus? “These.”
I pointed at the noticeable hickeys and “love bites” he had left all along my neck and jawline.
“Fuck...”
Shrugging, I buried myself back into Tony’s chest. I just wanted to be safe and wanted in someone’s arms.
“Don’t listen to anything he says, Kells.” Tony whispered, rubbing circles in my back again.
The door burst open and someone walked in.
“Hey Tony.” Vic called out. “Jaime said you were back here.”
I kept still, refusing to move and just pretended to be asleep or something. I really didn’t talk to talk to him.
The ring was burning my finger again.
“What’s going on.” Vic demanded flatly, getting closer.
“Nothing.” Tony replied, still rubbing circles.
He wasn’t going to act like we had been caught in the middle of doing something when we weren’t.
“That doesn’t look like nothing...” Vic contemplated, hurt leaking into his voice.
“Vic, I’m comforting a friend who needs someone.”
“He doesn’t deserve it.” Vic mumbled, sitting down besides Tony in an absent manner and just thinking.
“Vic!” Tony exclaimed in a hushed voice. “How can you say that about the person you’re in love with?”
“Maybe I don’t love him.” Vic retorted. “Maybe he was meaningless to me all this time and I was just lonely.”
I felt my heart break a little more; I was right.
Tony sighed, “Vic... I know you love him, you’re just hurt right now. It’s all just a big mess that’ll make sense. Things just have to be explained.”
“I don’t want to hear it.” Vic grumbled before getting back up. “KELLIN!”
I didn’t move.
“KELLIN!” Vic continued to shout. “WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET THE HELL OFF OF MY BUS!”
“Vic, will you just be quiet?” Tony asked.
Faking a yawn, I stretched lightly before sitting up and looking at Vic with confused wide eyes.
“Vic?” I asked softly, letting panic leak into my voice.
He was about to speak when he did a double-take and glared in Tony’s direction.
“You said nothing happened!”
“Nothing did.” Tony answered calmly.
“Then what the fuck are the marks on Kellin’s neck?” Vic accused, pacing frantically.
“It wasn’t me...”
“Then who the fuck?” Vic demanded, glaring at me. “Kellin?”
“It was... Justin.” I answered meekly.
You could see the anger flooding his face and the heartbreak shadowing in his eyes before it disappeared.
He took a breath before speaking.
“Justin...” he seethed, backtracking out of the room.
He couldn’t even speak.
Tears were welling in his eyes, but he blinked them away.
“I, I don’t even know what to say!” Vic shouted. “But, now I understand why the fuck you broke up with me! Justin? I should have seen it coming! No wonder you couldn’t stop talking about him!”
He turned on his heel, slamming the door behind him.