The Sky Under the Sea

[Vic’s POV]

“Scream in the dark, burst into flames. I’m gonna light up this place and die in beautiful stars tonight.”
The reflection in the mirror repeated the lines in silence.
Gripping the bathroom counter, I glared at my own reflection, hating every part of it.
“Fucking pathetic.” I muttered.
It seemed like my world had crashed and burned, its pieces piercing through me and laughing.
Everything I had done, had been for Kellin. I had tried to show him how much I loved him.
Yet, it wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough – I was never good enough for anyone.
That’s life, I supposed.
It was full of broken promises and lies.
It’s what we’re made of; emptiness and sighs.
This world was full of deceiving smiles and patronizing eyes, making you believe it would be okay.
Bullshit.
Things never worked out like you hoped they would. There was always a twist, another lie.
There was a razor on the counter.
Picking it up, I twirled it between my fingers and gazed at it intently.
It was the same razor I had taken from Kellin weeks ago, promising I would get rid of it.
Of course, I never did.
Secretly, I was glad I hadn’t. This was a time when I desperately needed its cold touch.
It’s been too long.
After all, what was another broken promise to this world of heartless fools? It was nothing.
Each slit I made across my thigh, burned with betrayal.
Betrayal towards my brother, towards my band, towards my best friend, and towards myself.
As the blood trailed down my skin and dripped onto the floor, I kept glaring at my reflection.
“As I said, pathetic.” I repeated.
Tucking the blade away, back inside my wallet, I pulled up my skinny jeans and wiped the floor.
Everything had become twice as hard with a cast.
With a sigh, I crept out of the bathroom and peered around the tour bus. It was empty.
Thank fuck.
We had arrived at the venue in Spokane an hour ago.
Kellin had left since then, gathering all his belongings and returning to his own tour bus.
It was heartbreaking, seeing him leave.
To think, he would rather deal with Justin than have to face me.
Did I really fall that low on the ladder?
Probably.
Considering he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me; he didn’t even want to stay friends.
Each step towards the front of the bus sent a spasm of pain up my leg. Repressing a hiss, I sat down.
I didn’t even want to go to my own show.
All I wanted was to lay down and sleep for the rest of my life; what did it matter?
Curling my legs towards my chest, I rested my chin on my knees.
Life sucked.
I just didn’t understand what I had done to completely repel Kellin away. I thought I had loved him.
I hadn’t shown him enough, apparently.
There wasn’t any trust, according to him. He didn’t even trust me.
Maybe…
Maybe I wasn’t as good of a boyfriend as I had thought. What had I done? Of course, it was my fault.
If only I had been a better person.
Then, he would have stayed with me and actually trust me.
Was it Oli?
Did I accidentally put him second to my best friend? Did I treat him like a replaceable nobody?
Fuck!
It was all my fault; I hadn’t been good enough.
“Vic?”
Mike was stepping on the bus, his snapback turned sideways. The wind had still managed to mess up his hair.
“Hey…”
“Are you doing okay?” Mike asked, sitting down beside me. He seemed genuinely concerned.
“No.”
“What’s wrong, hermano?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me in a comforting hug.
“Nothing.”
He knew about Kellin; hell, everybody knew about Kellin. I’m pretty sure the fans in Cambodia knew about me and Kellin.
That’s the problem with being in a touring band; everybody knew about your life before you could blink.
I didn’t take the fans for granted.
I didn’t take this amazing opportunity like nothing.
Honestly, I felt blessed to have been able to tour around the country with my brother and friends.
There were times though, when I wish I wasn’t famous.
Moments of my life I wish could have been kept a secret from everyone else. I loved them all.
Really.
There were times though, when I’d rather die than be famous.
“Vicky…” Mike insisted, when I didn’t reply.
“Just leave me alone.”
There were things I couldn’t keep from my brother, and the fresh slits on my legs became my only thought.
It was settling in.
All the faith Mike had in me…I had turned around and destroyed it. I had broken his trust.
Well, fuck.
No wonder Kellin didn’t trust me anymore.
“You know, I have the feeling this isn’t all about Kellin…” Mike hinted, glancing at me.
“You’re right.”
“What’s wrong, Vicky? Tu saves que me quedes decir lo que sea…” Mike pleaded.
I couldn’t tell him though.
I couldn’t hurt him in that way; I didn’t want to hurt anyone else.
The guilt was eating me alive, though.
When I didn’t answer, he sighed and hugged me tighter.
“Vic, ay algo que no me estas diciendo. There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“Drop it, Mikey.”
“What did you do.” His voice became forced. He could sense the guilt in my tone. “Tell me.”
With another sigh, I pulled out my wallet.
“If you think you can pay me to leave…” Mike trailed off. “I’ll take the money, but I won’t leave.”
“Santo Dios, Mikey.” I finally smiled.
Taking out the razor, I kept it hidden in my hands. I didn’t want to see his face when I showed him.
Shrugging his arms off me, I stood up.
He followed suit.
“Here…” I mumbled, dropping it in his palm. “I’m sorry.”
Before he could process anything, I grabbed my phone from the counter and walked off.
“Vic!”
Ignoring him, I kept walking.
“Vic!”
His voice sounded worried, almost panicked. He was running off the bus, but didn’t follow.
I’m sorry, Mikey…